Shades of Gray (16 page)

“Penelope Jane!” she said louder.

His nose wrinkled up. “Seriously?”

She sighed. “Yeah, seriously. Now maybe you see why I just go by my initials.”

“You don’t look like a Penelope Jane.”

He looked genuinely baffled and was studying her like she was some weird, undiscovered
species of bug.

“So what do I look like then?” she demanded.

“You look like a P.J.”

She laughed again. “Well that’s good, I suppose. I’m okay with looking like a P.J.”

“Penelope Jane Rutherford,” he said, as if he was testing the sound of it on his tongue.
“I don’t know, it’s kind of growing on me. It’s kind of pretty sounding.”

“Don’t get any ideas, Coletrane,” she growled.

“There aren’t enough Penelopes in the world. I don’t know anyone named that.”

She rolled her eyes. “Aren’t those steaks done yet? I’m starving over here.”

He shoved back his chair and flipped up the lid to the grill. He poked at one then
flipped and flipped again.

“Nope. Need about five more minutes. I didn’t even ask you how you like your meat.”

She choked and covered it with a cough. When she looked back up, he was giving her
a glare of impatience.

“For God’s sake, you dirty-minded heifer.”

She laughed and kept on laughing. “Oh come on, Cole. You have to admit, it sounded
kinky. I mean, I could have said I like my meat hard.”

He sighed and shook his head.

“Medium is fine,” she said with a grin. “I like a little pink but not bloody.”

“I’m heading in to get the potatoes out of the oven and all the fixings for them.
As soon as I get back, I’ll take the steaks off the grill and we can dig in.”

“Awesome. I can’t wait. The smell is killing me!”

Alone again for a few moments, P.J. marveled at how light she felt. It was almost
as if the last six months hadn’t happened. Like she and Cole were carrying on like
always. Only this time it was more intimate. More personal.

The one thing she gave thanks for is that their one-night stand hadn’t made things
awkward between them. And who knows, maybe it would have under normal circumstances.

Their fling had been the start of a series of events that even now she had a hard
time believing. From that night forward, things had been insane, and she would never
have believed she’d be looking back at the past six months remembering just how much
her world had been altered.

“How’s the leg?” Cole asked when he returned with potatoes.

He plopped one onto her plate and then set down the tray with the butter, sour cream
and cheese so they were in easy reach.

Leg? She hadn’t even thought about her leg the entire time they’d been talking. She
had to concentrate hard to even feel the low hum of pain that was ever present in
the background, muffled by the medication he’d given her.

“I’m good,” she said, and meant it. She was better than she’d been in a very long
time.

He bent and kissed her forehead, surprising her with the sweet gesture. She closed
her eyes and savored the feel of his mouth on her skin. The kiss was full of warmth
and comfort. Two things she was badly in need of.

He broke away and went to the grill. A moment later, he dished up the steaks and returned
to the table. He forked a huge rib eye onto her plate and then served his own.

The smell was absolutely divine. Her mouth watered and she was already making a grab
for her fork and knife, not even bothering with the potato right away.

The first bite made her moan with pleasure. It also made her realize how hungry she
was.

She attacked her meal. There was no other word for it. She cut into it like she was
afraid it was going to sprout legs and run away.

For several long minutes, they ate in silence and she focused solely on the wonderful
experience of eating a delectable piece of prime steak. It was as close to a religious
experience as she was going to come.

“I’d ask how the steak is, but your expression says it all,” Cole said in amusement.

“Mmmm” was all she could get out.

They continued to eat, and she eventually slowed down as she began getting that overstuffed
feeling. It was nice, though. She knew she hadn’t taken the best care of herself over
the last months. Some days she hadn’t eaten at all. Her entire focus had been revenge.
She’d been consumed, and to a degree she still was.

“You want to head back in and go to bed or you want to hang out here and shoot the
shit some more?” he asked as he pushed his plate away.

She was bone tired, even after her nap, but she didn’t want the evening to end. She
was more relaxed than she’d been in longer than she could remember. Sure, the pain
medication helped, but being here with Cole was a balm to her soul.

“I like it out here,” she said. “It’s a gorgeous evening. Cool but not too cold. And
the fireflies are giving us quite the show. You can see the reflection off the water.
I could sit here forever and just watch the glow.”

“I could watch you watching them forever,” he said.

She felt his gaze on her and turned just so she could see him in her periphery. His
eyes never left her. He seemed content to just watch her.

“So tell me about your family,” she said. “You don’t ever mention parents or siblings.
I know Dolphin has a sister. He visits her a couple times a year. He hates his dad.
Takes care of his mom quite a bit. Baker’s parents are divorced and he doesn’t see
much of either of them. Renshaw mostly stays with his folks between missions because
he figures there’s no point in buying a home when he’s never there. But you and Steele
never say anything, not that Steele being closed mouthed is a huge surprise,” she
said wryly.

“Look who’s talking,” he pointed out. “I know nothing about your family. Or your past,
other than what I’ve recently learned about S.W.A.T.”

“Okay so you give and I’ll give,” she said, raising one brow in challenge.

“Seriously? You’re going to tell me all your secrets?”

“Oh good grief,” she muttered. “I’m the most boring person on the planet. I’m boring
in self-defense because my upbringing was on the weird side.”

Cole’s brows went up. “Okay, now you have me curious.”

She smiled sweetly. “Oh no, you first.”

He shook his head. “Not much to tell, really. My folks were killed in a car accident
my senior year of high school. I’m an only child, so no siblings in the picture.”

“Oh damn,” she said softly. “That had to suck.”

For a moment she could see lingering sadness in his eyes. “Yeah, it did. I still miss
them. I had a college scholarship to play baseball. I was a star player in high school.
Took our team to the playoffs and we won the state championship my senior year. A
week before my parents were killed.”

“I had no idea you played baseball,” she said in surprise.

He shrugged. “After they died, I was at loose ends. I mean I just kind of fell apart.
Didn’t go to school. Gave up my scholarship. Had people telling me I was fucking up
life and my chance at the pros and it wasn’t what my parents would have wanted. All
I knew was that the two people I loved most in the world were gone and I didn’t really
give a fuck if I didn’t play for a pro team. Why would I when they’d never be there
to see me?”

“Yeah, I get it,” P.J. said.

“So I grieved for a while. Felt sorry for myself. Wondered what the fuck to do with
my life. I woke up in the middle of the night one night and thought, why not join
the navy? I have no idea why I picked that branch. It was a total impulse decision
and I went the next day to the recruiter so I couldn’t change my mind. Turned out
to be the best decision I ever made. It’s made me who and what I am today. I was scared
shitless going in, but once I got through boot camp everything just clicked into place.”

“So why’d you leave then?”

“Good question. Honestly I think it’s because I’d reached a goal and I kept thinking
what next? I was a SEAL. I achieved something very few others do but I still felt
restless. I heard about KGI through one of my buddies and it sounded right up my alley.
I met with Sam and Garrett and then I resigned my commission. The rest, as they say,
is history.”

“I bet you just had issues with authority and having such a rigid set of rules to
live by,” she teased.

He smiled ruefully. “I admit, I like working for KGI and for Steele. I already told
you I’m a gray-area guy. Not that there aren’t plenty of gray areas in the military,
but KGI kind of makes their own rules. They choose their missions. When you belong
to Uncle Sam, you do what you’re told whether you agree with it or not.”

She nodded her understanding.

“So what about you? You never mention family.”

She grimaced. “I grew up in a very religious environment.”

He reared back in mock surprise. “You? Religious? With that mouth? You must have been
the bane of your mother’s existence.”

“Ha-ha. You’re so funny. I was a very sweet, nonviolent child, I’ll have you know.”

He had just taken a drink and he snorted and then choked as he tried to swallow it
down without spewing.

“I bet you used to give the boys hell and I bet no one messed with you on the playground.”

She sighed. “I was painfully shy. I was different from the other kids. No television.
Just books. I wore dresses until I was a teenager. Wearing jeans to school my junior
year was my big act of rebellion.”

He looked at her in utter confusion. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

She nodded. “Yup. I had a charismatic upbringing. Very holy-roller type of environment.
Never cut my hair. Didn’t wear pants. Very patriarchal church and home life.”

Cole shook his head. “You’ve blown my mind. How in the hell did you go from that to
where you are now?”

“My uncle was a big hunter and he used to take me. He’d let me dress up in camo and
I felt like such a badass. We’d spend time sighting in our rifles and I was a natural.
He encouraged my marksmanship. My mom had a fit when she realized just how much time
I was spending ‘playing with the devil’s instruments,’ as she put it.”

“Wow,” Cole said. “I’m at a loss for words. It boggles the mind. I wouldn’t have guessed
your background in a million years.”

P.J. chuckled. “Yeah, most people wouldn’t.”

“So what happened? I mean, what did they think when you joined S.W.A.T., and do they
know what you do for KGI?”

Her lips turned down, and for a moment she was silent as she relived the last time
she’d seen her mother.

“We uh . . . don’t speak.”

Cole frowned. “Ever?”

“Not since I left high school. She washed her hands of me. Said I’d never amount to
anything. I was too bent on a life of sin. My older brother was already a pastor of
his own church, and I guess they thought I should be more like him. The way I figure
it, they pray for the world, and I save it.”

“So you seriously don’t talk to them? It was over? Just like that?”

The incredulity in his voice bordered on condemnation and it rubbed her the wrong
way.

“I couldn’t be who they wanted me to be,” she said quietly. “And they weren’t willing
to accept anything else. It wasn’t my choice.”

Cole grimaced. “I’m sorry. I probably sound all judgy. It’s just that I’d give anything
to have my parents back. I can’t imagine not speaking to them or seeing them.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m being too touchy. I guess they’re still a sore subject for me.
I hadn’t realized how much of one.”

“What about your dad? I mean, all you’ve mentioned is your mother and how she felt.”

P.J. curled her lip in disgust. “For such a patriarchal system in the church and supposedly
the home, my mother wore the pants and my father was a spineless coward who shied
away from any conflict. He wouldn’t have stood up for me or anyone else against my
mother. She ruled the roost and it was her way or the highway.”

Cole shook his head. “That sucks. I guess I get why you have such a take-it-or-leave-it
attitude. Can’t say I blame you.”

“I just stopped trying to be someone I wasn’t for people who’d never be satisfied
with the end result anyway. Trying to please my mother was like trying to push a rope
through the eye of a needle. I think my biggest sin was being born a girl who preferred
to do boy things. She just wanted me to look pretty and marry young.”

“Lucky for me you’re such a rebel,” Cole said with a grin. “It would suck if you were
married with half a dozen hellions attached to your apron strings.”

She shuddered. “Thanks for that image.”

He laughed. But then his expression grew serious. “I like you just the way you are,
P.J. Don’t ever change. You’re a very special woman. Don’t ever think you aren’t.”

Warmth traveled to the very heart of her. Into her soul, chasing away long-held shadows
and allowing the sun in after an endless winter.

She stared into his eyes, soaking up all the warmth she could. “I just want to say
thank you, Cole.”

He cocked his head. “What for?”

“Everything. For being you. For being so patient with me. For having my back.”

His eyes softened. “I’ll always have your back, P.J. You’ll never have to look far
to find me.”

CHAPTER 28

P.J.
was awake early the next morning. Her leg was stiff and she could barely move it to
get out of bed without screeching pain shooting up her thigh.

She flexed and stretched her leg, grimacing as she tried to loosen the muscles.

Knowing she’d have to strip down when she got to the hospital, she opted to wear sweats
and a T-shirt, this time pulling on a sports bra.

When she limped into the kitchen, she saw Cole at the table drinking a cup of coffee
and reading the paper. It struck her how domestic the entire scene was. All that was
missing was for her to walk over, kiss him and say good morning.

Was this what it was like for married couples? That comfortable existence that bordered
on boring?

Cole looked up from the newspaper and his eyes warmed when he saw her. “Morning, P.J.
How’s the leg?”

Yeah, she could totally see them falling into this kind of routine. She loved that
he seemed happy to see her. Would that ever lessen? Would they end up taking each
other for granted? Would they lose the easy friendship between them and start sniping
like an old married couple?

She shuddered at the thought. She was getting way ahead of herself anyway. They had
far too many issues to work out before she could start thinking about long-term commitment.

“It was pretty stiff when I got up,” she admitted. “Hurt like hell but I worked out
some of the kinks, and if I keep moving, it stays loose.”

He frowned. “Sit down. Let me get you something to eat and then I’ll give you a pain
pill. We’ll leave as soon as you’re done eating. I figure the quicker we get over
there, the sooner we can get out and you aren’t stuck the entire day at the hospital.”

“You know me so well,” she said with a grin.

She settled into a chair and watched as he fussed over her. It was such an odd sensation.
She and Derek had been together two full years and had never developed the easy rapport
she and Cole had. And she certainly couldn’t ever imagine Derek actually doing the
little things for her that Cole did.

The sex had been good. She’d give that to Derek, but in the end, that’s all there’d
been to their relationship. Sex. No emotional connection. No loyalty. Nothing she
couldn’t have gotten with any other man.

She’d always known that Derek felt threatened by her, but she’d ignored the simmering
resentment, chalking it up to being the only woman on a male-dominated team. He never
missed an opportunity to take her down a few notches and fuck with her confidence.

With Cole—and the other men on her team—there had been only acceptance and appreciation
of her skills with a rifle. She hadn’t known how truly difficult things had been for
her on her old team until she’d joined KGI. Comparing the two now made her feel stupid
for sticking with her old team as long as she had.

She had a good thing here, and she’d very nearly thrown it all away. Thank God they
hadn’t let her.

Her heart squeezed and emotion knotted her throat. They’d fought for her and hadn’t
let her walk away. Maybe they’d never know how much that meant, especially at a time
when she most needed support and someone to anchor her.

A few minutes later, Cole served up scrambled eggs, bacon and toast along with orange
juice. He set a pill beside her glass with instructions to take it after she’d eaten.
Then he settled back into his chair and watched as she dug in.

“Not going to eat?” she asked around a bite.

“I already ate. Was just keeping the food warm for you.”

“Thanks,” she said softly, realizing she’d said that a lot lately. But could she ever
really fully verbalize the scope of her gratitude?

“Eat up and we’ll hit the road. I know you’re probably still in a lot of pain, but
I was thinking if we get you all checked out and premedicate you for the evening I
could take you out on a date.”

He hesitated and sounded a little nervous.

“You mean like on a real date?” she blurted.

“Yeah, you know. I take you someplace nice to eat, or as nice as we have in this neck
of the woods. We relax. Have some good conversation and then maybe I get a kiss good
night. One of
those
dates.”

She smiled and then felt her smile grow even bigger until her teeth were flashing.
“I’d like that. It sounds fun.”

He visibly relaxed. His relief was so endearing that she wished they were closer so
she could reach out and touch him. She’d never considered herself a needy person,
but she needed . . . him. Needed the comfort of his friendship and the promise of
something more.

“Then let’s get moving so we can get this over with. Maybe after dinner we can rent
some B movies and I’ll make us popcorn.”

“Cheesy disaster movies!” she exclaimed.

He grinned. “I knew you were my kind of girl.”

* * *

“WELL
I’m glad to see someone on your team has some sense and dragged you back kicking and
screaming,” Cathy said, sharp disapproval in her eyes.

P.J. sat dutifully and endured a stern lecture from her friend while she clipped out
the stitches Donovan had set and then cleaned the wound.

“I was pretty pissed when I heard you went AWOL and nobody heard from you for six
months,” Cathy continued. “If I’d known you were going to do something that dumbass,
I’d never have helped you get out of here that first time.”

“You shouldn’t have anyway,” Cole said, a low growl in his voice.

Cathy sent him a glare over her shoulder and sniffed disdainfully. “Women have to
stick together. You couldn’t possibly understand the girlfriends’ code. A good friend
will bail you out when you land in jail, but a
very
good friend will be sitting beside you in that jail cell.”

“How does that make any sense?” Cole asked, clearly baffled.

P.J. laughed. “What she means is that helping out a friend may not always make sense,
but we do it anyway because that’s what friends do.”

“Is it any wonder men have no clue what goes on in a woman’s mind?” he grumbled.

Cathy rolled her eyes. “Clueless is about the right description for men in general.
Besides, as much as I didn’t like it, P.J. did what she had to do at the time.”

She glanced up and met P.J.’s gaze. “That doesn’t mean that you need to go off like
that again.”

“Yes, ma’am,” P.J. said meekly. “My team has made me see the error in my ways.”

“Good men. Always did like them.”

“What? You just said we’re all a bunch of clueless idiots,” Cole sputtered.

Cathy grinned. “Can’t have you getting the big head.”

Cole shook his head as Cathy set the last suture. Then he moved forward, looking at
P.J.’s leg over Cathy’s shoulder. “How’s it look?”

“Donovan did a good job,” Cathy said. “The wound is clean and free of infection. I’d
still like to send her home with a prescription for antibiotics just in case. If she
notices any redness or swelling around the wound, she needs to start on them immediately.
If she starts running a fever, feels bad or just feels off in any way, you’ll need
to bring her back in so we can have a look-see. Donovan did an adequate job of stitching
but I wanted to get in there and see for myself what we were dealing with.”

“What kind of recovery time are we looking at?” Cole asked.

Cathy turned to face Cole. “Well, if she takes it easy and stays off her feet and
doesn’t try to do too much too soon, I’d say a couple weeks. But good luck getting
her to do just that.”

Cole snorted. “Tell me about it.”

“Hey, guys?” P.J. broke in. “Hello? I’m sitting right here. Stop talking about me
like I’m not present.”

Cathy gave her a dismissive look. “I know better than to tell you all this with no
witnesses. You only hear what you want to hear and disregard the rest. At least now
Cole will know what you’re supposed to do and make sure you do it.”

“Sometimes friends can be a pain in the ass,” P.J. grouched.

Cathy grinned. “That’s what friends do, sugar.”

P.J. smiled back at her. “Thanks, Cathy. I appreciate everything.”

“Just focus on getting better. That’s the best thanks you can give me.” Her expression
sobered and she put her hand on P.J.’s arm, squeezing lightly. “I worry about you,
P.J.”

“You don’t have to worry about her anymore,” Cole said firmly. “I fully intend to
make sure she takes it easy and does what she’s supposed to.”

Cathy’s eyes widened and then a broad smile split her lips. “Well, okay then. It would
seem P.J. has met her match.”

Cole cut a glance in her direction, those blue eyes gleaming with promise. “Oh yeah,
most definitely.”

Cathy took a step back, surveying P.J. with apparent satisfaction. Then she pursed
her lips and said, “I’d give you a pair of crutches, but something tells me you wouldn’t
use them.”

P.J. wrinkled her nose in distaste. “No. You’re right. I wouldn’t. I limp along just
fine. A little pain isn’t going to kill me.”

Cathy shrugged. “Hardheaded woman. Okay, well I’m done with you. I’ll give you back
to Cole so you can be a pain in his ass instead of a pain in mine.”

P.J. laughed and then slid gingerly off the bed. She held on to the edge for a long
moment before pushing off to stand on her own.

Cole hovered at her elbow, his brow creased with concern. But he didn’t make a fuss
or a scene in front of Cathy, which she totally appreciated.

He did remain solidly at her side as she maneuvered her way out of the exam room and
into the hall.

“You okay?” he asked quietly when they got outside the hospital.

She nodded. “Yeah. Hurts like a mofo, but I can deal.”

He helped her into the passenger seat of his truck and then reached over her to snag
a bottle of water in the center console. Still standing there, he opened the glove
compartment and retrieved the container holding the pain medication.

“Here, go ahead and take another pill so you stay ahead of the pain. And if you want
to take a rain check on tonight, we can go back to the house so you can take a nap
on the couch.”

She laid her hand over his and he went completely still. She could feel the hitch
in his breath as it stuttered over his lips.

“I want to go, Cole. I’ll take the pill and I’ll be fine. I’m looking forward to our . . .
date.”

He touched his knuckle to her face and brushed it down the curve of her cheekbone.
Then he simply leaned in and kissed her forehead. “So am I.”