Shades of Honor (14 page)

His hand snaked out and pulled her onto his lap. She landed with a startled gasp, but he hooked an arm around her waist and drew her close, his nose an inch from hers. His face was so near her own that Evelyn could see the shadow of his whiskers and smell the alcohol on his breath. As she lay there in his arms, all else ceased to matter, for he filled her senses so completely it left her breathless.

“Look at this.” He held up his trembling hand for her inspection. “I’m not safe right now.”

Without thinking, Evelyn wrapped her fingers around his. “Relax, Radford. You’ve just had too much to drink,” she said.

He squeezed his eyes shut. “You have two seconds to get off my lap and go inside.”

The intensity in his voice scared her, but the feel of his body made it impossible for her to push away.

“One...” His voice was quiet, serious, his eyes open and locked on hers.

Blood pounded through her veins and her stomach tensed, but she didn’t move.

“Two...”

“I want to stay,” she whispered.

He gripped her chin. “Go,
dammit
.”

She shook her head.

 
“You’re making a mistake.” He glared at her, his eyes fierce. “Last chance,” he warned, but Evelyn didn’t move.

She wanted him to kiss her, and when he crushed his lips to hers, he didn't have to ask her to open her mouth. She craved one touch from him to know what he felt like. She wanted to feel his lips and his tanned face that she now held between her hands. She wanted to touch the cheeks that hollowed intermittently beneath her palms and the tongue that stroked her own. She wanted to hear the groan rolling up from his chest.

A flame of white heat rushed through her limbs and she could not get close enough to him. He smelled of alcohol and cologne and cigar and it intoxicated her as thoroughly as if she'd been matching him drink for drink, and there was not the slightest chance she could deny herself the opportunity to finally feel like a woman.

Just once, she promised, twining her arms around his neck, reveling in the exhilarating experience. Her side tingled where his hand roved and the feeling moved slowly over her hips as his palm trailed downward. Her entire body was alive and reacting. Every nuance of pleasure that rippled along her spine, from where his lips caressed hers to where his hand rested upon her leg, was now gathering in sweet agony between her thighs.

So this was a monkeyshine!

She had no idea what to do with the glorious feelings racing through her body, but she wasn’t ready to let them go. She stroked his hard shoulders, wanting...wanting something outside her understanding, but in that moment Evelyn no longer needed to know. She only wanted to feel. She wanted to touch him, to feel joyously alive in her own skin. For the first time in her life, she felt conscious. Everything inside her lifted, blossomed, soared as the blood rushed through her veins beneath Radford’s seeking hands.

 
 
o0o

Though the alcohol had affected his speech and balance, Radford’s mind had cleared enough that he knew what he was doing. He was ending his attraction to Evelyn once and for all by proving to himself that kissing her was no more thrilling or special than kissing any other woman.

But to his shock, the kiss fanned Radford’s craving to a blaze of hot need that he couldn’t restrain. Whether it was the alcohol or his intense reaction to Evelyn, Radford felt himself spiraling out of control. He shuddered when he slipped his hand beneath her
nightrail
and felt the satiny skin of her thigh. Her moan inflamed him as she lay across his heated body, and her skin was so warm and smooth that he craved the feel of her unencumbered by clothes. The thought of her against him, beneath him, made Radford’s blood rush. Just one more touch. He’d send her away then.

He reached for the shoulder of her gown, but Evelyn’s fingers curled over his. Radford hesitated, thinking she was stopping him, but she tugged the fabric off her shoulder. The sound of buttons hitting the floor was like getting a glass of cold water tossed in his face. Radford tried to pull back, to stop himself from going any further, but Evelyn’s exposed breasts fed his need. Perfect, pink-
nippled
breasts mesmerized him, drew him, compelled him to lower his mouth even when his conscience was begging him not to.

 
 
o0o

The feeling of Radford’s palm between her thighs jolted Evelyn back to reality. She grabbed his hand and broke their kiss, but his passion-glazed eyes told Evelyn she’d encouraged him too far. “We can’t do this, Radford. It’s wrong. What we're doing is wrong,” she said, fearing she wouldn't get through to his alcohol-muddled brain.

He hovered above her, breathing raggedly, his gaze fierce, before he finally closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the chair.

Suffering tremendous shame, Evelyn straightened her gown and cursed herself. She must be insane! How could she have done this, especially with Radford, a man who carried a full-blown war inside him, who would probably never feel settled, who was the brother of the man she’d promised to marry.

Drowning in shame, Evelyn pushed herself to a sitting position, her palm resting on Radford’s chest for support. Though his heart pounded, the steady rise and fall beneath her hand told her he’d passed out. Evelyn felt more awake than she’d ever been in her life.

 
“Radford?” she called quietly. He didn’t respond. She lifted her gaze to his handsome, sleeping face, knowing she’d taken advantage of his condition to appease her curiosity. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “You didn’t deserve this.”

Neither did Kyle. He’d always treated her with respect and was the only person she’d ever been able to depend on. How could she have been such a slave to her curiosity that she would betray her lifelong friend?

Riddled with shame, Evelyn slipped from Radford’s arms, anxious to run from the truth of what she’d done. Her hair caught and she turned to tug it free. The sight of Radford's fist closed around a mass of her black curls sent a rush of sympathy straight to her heart.

She knelt before him and unwound her hair, then brushed her lips across his knuckles. “I should never have kissed you,” she whispered with deep remorse. Because now she knew there was an ocean of difference between kissing Kyle and kissing Radford.

The instant Radford saw daylight, he slammed his eyes shut and pressed his fists to his temples. Slowly, he sat forward, shaking, sweating, reeling; pierced by the hurtful morning light, the crashing headache, the rebelling stomach.

Fragments of the past evening flashed through his mind. He saw the bottom of a glass, over and over, his brothers laughing and ordering drinks, heard a woman's voice pleading... Then he remembered.

He’d betrayed Kyle.

Convulsed with nausea, Radford hunched over, elbows to knees, face in hands, peering blearily through his splayed fingers as he fought back the urge to vomit. A small, pearlescent type object glowed up at him from beside the chair leg, but he was forced to wait until his stomach settled before reaching down to pick it up. It was a button from Evelyn’s gown.

“Jesus,” he whispered. He’d only wanted to kiss her then put it behind him. Instead he’d damned near made love to Evelyn on the porch.

If only he hadn’t started that idiotic playacting. After all the alcohol he’d consumed last night, he’d been in no condition to think rationally. The alcohol had removed the filter between his brain and his mouth and he’d said things to Evelyn that should never have left his lips. Radford pinched the bridge of his nose. He’d talked about her eyes, and said he loved her hair. What a damn fool. The instant Evelyn stepped onto the porch, he should have gone to the livery instead of acting like an inebriated ass.

Dammit
all, he should have never let Kyle talk him into getting corned to his eyebrows.

At least Radford had had the sense to let Evelyn think he’d passed out last night. Though she’d been a willing participant in the beginning, she was mortified by her actions and shocked by his. The only compassionate way he could now handle the incident would be to let Evelyn think he didn’t remember it.

Radford tucked the button into his pocket and scooted to the edge of the chair. With a hard push, he reached a standing position out of dire necessity and sheer determination. Though his legs were uncooperative, they were functional enough to carry him to the outhouse, which seemed an ungodly distance away. A long, long time later, he entered the livery where Evelyn was forking hay to Gus. “If there is a gun out here, please shoot me.”

 
 
o0o

Evelyn started at the sound of Radford’s voice, dreading the accusation she knew she’d see in his eyes. When she dared to turn around, Radford gave her a wobbly smile and braced himself against a stall while guarding his stomach with his free hand.

“I’d wager your brothers are in the same condition,” Evelyn commented, not knowing how to begin to apologize for her unforgivable behavior.

 
Radford sagged against the stall. “God, I hope so.”

He was so pathetic it deepened her shame. By his condition this morning, Radford had definitely been too inebriated last night to know what he’d been doing. Evelyn was to blame. “I’m sorry about last night,” she said, having no idea how else to begin to apologize, but knowing she must. “I accept the blame for everything.” And she did. Never had she thought to have such an encounter with him. Or any man for that matter. She hadn't even allowed Kyle such liberties. The fact that Radford had touched her breast and thighs made her blush to her undergarments. At least Radford had the excuse of being intoxicated. She had none, other than her blasted maidenly curiosity.

Radford’s expression changed from pained to confused. “I don’t know what you're talking about, and frankly, I feel too wretched to care about anything. You could shoot me and I wouldn't hold it against you.”

He was serious! Evelyn could see it in his eyes. He really didn't remember. Joy filled her. Radford wouldn't be plagued with guilt and, well, she would just have to find a way to live with her shame. After all, it would never, ever happen again. If he didn't remember, then she was certainly not going to divulge their sinful interlude and put the weight of guilt on his shoulders.

“I was apologizing for leaving you on the porch all night,” she said, scrambling for any excuse suitable to an apology. “I should have helped you to bed.”

“Well, you might have to help me now.” He leaned his head against a post. “I think I need to sit down.”

Evelyn put the hay fork aside and went to him. When she would have taken his arm, Radford lifted his hand and brushed his knuckles across her cheek. “I was kidding, Evelyn, but thank you just the same. I'll be back in a few minutes.” He turned and slogged out of the livery, boot heels dragging.

The instant he was gone, Evelyn rushed to Gus and stroked his forelock. Radford had no idea what his casual touches did to her, especially after that amazing kiss. Amidst profuse blushing, a slow smile started in the corners of Evelyn’s mouth and blossomed to fullness. Despite the awful thing she had allowed to happen, Evelyn suddenly realized that Radford had done her an enormous favor.

He had taught her how to kiss.

Now that she knew how, she would be able to do it the right way with Kyle and perhaps they would find their missing bond. What a wonderful, uplifting thought! If she could please Kyle, maybe he would become a little less driven and a little more romantic. If they could kiss with that passion, surely they would be intimate enough to share their feelings like they used to do. Then Evelyn was certain they would fall in love.

Her burden lifting, Evelyn giggled and kissed the stallion on the nose. He snorted and shifted back in his stall. “You wait, Gus. I'm going to surprise that fiancé of mine, just see if I don't.”

 
 
o0o

Later that morning, Evelyn entered the stuffy church and followed Kyle and Radford down the aisle. They were going to bring Helen home to play with Rebecca after church.
 

Everything was quiet except for an occasional cough and the rustle of dresses and books opening as Pastor Ainslie began service. Evelyn sat on the overcrowded bench, her shoulders wedged between Kyle’s and Radford’s. Their lolling legs were hard and warm as they pressed against hers, but Evelyn kept her face averted, unable to look at either man without feeling guilty. Drawing her knees and elbows toward her body, she tried to avoid their touch, but to her dismay, both men adjusted themselves more comfortably against her.

Being enveloped in the warmth of wide, solid shoulders, hard legs, and the scent of aftershave set her pulse racing.

Suddenly, both Radford and Kyle clasped her hands. Evelyn jumped, then ducked her head as she struggled to remember the words to the first prayer her mother ever taught her. Kyle's wide, rough, lumberman's hand contrasted with Radford's callused palm and long fingers. Evelyn knew she'd feel those hands linked with hers for the rest of the day, but it was the urge to curl her fingers around Radford’s hand that made her face burn with shame.

The instant the service ended, Evelyn rushed from the church and bumped into Amelia Drake.