Shadowed Soul (4 page)

The more I asked about Beth, the more I fell in love, and the deeper I fell, the more Bailey seemed to radiate affection toward me.  Infectious and cathartic, our bond grew.

This very morning, I was a proud, new father.  I finished my tea and glanced at the kitchen clock.  Nearly 8:00 a.m.:  I could not procrastinate any longer.  Bailey watched me with his intelligent eyes as I picked up the phone and punched in a number indelibly branded by hot coals in my memory.

“What, Thomas?”  My mother’s caller ID steeled her voice against me.

“Hi, mom, it’s me.”  I tried to keep it light.

“I know it’s you, Thomas.  What do you want?  It’s not even eight.”

“I just wanted to let you know you’re a grandmother. We had a little boy last night and…”  My voice fell out but I had stayed the course.

“I don’t have any money, Thomas,” my mother interrupted me.

“What?  I don’t--” I stammered, losing my confidence.

              “You heard me, Thomas.  I don’t have any extra money if that’s why you’re calling.”

“No, mom, no, I just wanted to--”

“I know babies are expensive, at least
you
were.  I can’t help you out.”

“No, mom, that’s not-- I don’t want anything from you!”  There was another long silence and this time I felt obliged to fill the gap “I just wanted you to know you have a grandson.”

“That’s nice,” said my mother coldly.

“He’s a beautiful little boy, mom.  He has the curliest black hair.  Just like dad--”

“I have to go, Thomas,” she cut me off.  “Thank you, for letting me know.”

The phone went dead.  As usual, my mother had hung up on me.  Consumed with bitterness my fists clenched around the phone.  I might have smashed it, but a wet nose nuzzled my grip apart.  Bailey alone stopped me from calling her back and venting.  Not that she would have answered.  I gently lay the phone down and drank in those liquid eyes that streamed compassion. 

“Good dog, Bailey,” I murmured, stroking between his ears.  Nuzzling against my thigh, his tail wagged slowly, as if to remind me that my mother was now in the past.  As I petted him, Bailey’s affection dispelled my wrath as I took in the dog’s pure unconditional love. “Good dog!  Noble dog!  You’re the king, Bailey, you’re the best.”

On our first date, Beth and I had spoken for hours, with Bailey cuddling between us like superglue.  A shiny blur; I was in love.  The conversation had ranged from the smallest of subjects, like weather and my train journey to reach our date, and gradually to deeper subjects, like her blindness and what that meant to her.  We had talked and laughed and as the evening progressed the ember in my heart devoured me in a flame of love and admiration.  I never had faith in Hollywood’s mythic love at first sight.  It was glossy unicorns in fairyland compared to my barren wasteland infected with cretins and wraiths.  However, that one fateful day, I experience a very real chemical phenomenon.  I had gone to the date with hope that maybe we would enjoy a second date.  But I had not expected alchemy to transport me to enchanted terrain with the unicorn herself.  After I waved her off in a taxi, I told myself that Beth was the woman with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

The odd thing was that my Shadowed Soul had not dared to say anything on that evening.  His usual nattering to dispel my happiness was silent.  My whole body tingled as I watched Beth’s taxi turn off Fifth Avenue and out of sight.  Gleefully, I headed home. 

Walking down to the train, normally, I would have been anxious, fearing my wallet would be stolen or I would be knifed.  My Shadowed Soul has an army of henchmen, paranoia being one of the most persistent of them, but on that evening I was confident that nothing bad could happen.  I had met my soul mate; I felt complete.

It was not until I was alone again in the confines of my apartment that the destructive entity pounced.

“She’s blind, Thomas,” reminded the Shadowed Soul, wheezing as he crept up the side of my couch to his habitual perch, his talons gripped my shoulder. 

“You’re jealous,” I countered.  I should never have engaged him.  Why couldn’t I ignore him and stay focused on the wonderful day I had experienced with Beth and her dog?

“You can’t even manage your own life, Thomas,” gnashed the smelly demon gorging himself on my confidence.  “How’re you going to deal with her problems, too?”

“Piss off!” I barked.  The sound of my voice jolted me back to my present reality as a father and husband.  Bailey barked too and dropped his heavy head on my lap.

I thought of Beth and thanked all that was good in the universe that she had brought Bailey.  Had it not been for Beth’s love and Bailey’s unquestioning compassion, my Shadowed Soul would have torn my newfound happiness asunder with casual malevolence.  I sat in the kitchen stroking Bailey’s head.  He never bored of my attention and I never tired of giving it to him.  The lingering residue of disappointment from my phone call with my mother subsided with each nuzzle and stroke of this magnificent animal.  Accepting that my mother existed was enough. 

Against all odds, my upbringing had left me imbued with an innate sense of duty and honor that stayed with me even in my deepest pits of misery.  Why had I presumed my news of her firstborn grandchild would awaken an untapped vein of love in my mother?  After all, the birth her son had not evoked that.  Dismissive disdain
was
mom.  Some people choose to be defined by their misery, and unfortunately she chose to embody it until the day she died.  While I was often held prisoner by my Shadowed Soul I tried, God help me, how hard I tried to be Thomas and not that shrunken, stunted thing that transmogrified me.  I did not know why I was the way I was.  And I had no idea why my mom was the way she was, barely acknowledging that she was
difficult
. Responsibility for her shortcomings was lumped on those around her and the
hard life
she had endured.  Long ago I abandoned my boyhood wish that she would just smile and be happy and love me.  I reminded myself, honorably, that the call today was made on behalf of my son.  A new baby deserved two grandmothers.  While I reveled in the fact that Dorothy would shower my son with the love and warmth of springtime, I resigned myself to the truth, that my mother would be his coldest winter.  At least, she would never see him enough to warp his world; I would see to that.  The truth hurt; I would not have to try too hard.  The woman had not even made an excuse to avoid my wedding, citing indifferently that she was too tired to make the ninety minute journey.  At an emotional dead end, I glanced at the clock, nearly 10:00 a.m.  My negativity ate away at the precious time I should have been using to nap. 

In the past, I had lost days entertaining the Shadowed Soul.  When he was at his strongest I lost hours to his nefarious co-piloting.  I needed to sleep.  In four hours I was expected back at the hospital.  A semblance of strength was essential to stave off the shadows.  I smiled Bailey.

“Hey, boy, let’s get some shut-eye,” I cooed to Bailey as I imagined that soon I would be cooing happily to my own son with my wife nestled beside me.

Bailey’s ears perked up and I swore I saw a hint of reproach in his eyes.  Instinctively, he knew we were about to commit an act only
bad dogs
ventured.  He knew that when our
Alpha dog
Beth was not here that I would let him sleep on the foot of the bed.  And although he enjoyed it he knew Beth would not have condoned it.  Cohorts in crime, Bailey padded after me and leapt upon the bed.  Immediately, I crashed and burned in slumber.  But, no sooner had I touched down into blissful REM, Bailey was up again.

“What is it, boy?” I asked, comatose.  My dog gazed mournfully at the front door and I understood.  Reluctantly, I threw off the covers.

“Go for a walk?” I asked.  Bailey’s tail beat the covers furiously then dashed to the door with an excited bark.  As he watched me stagger to grab his leash from the hook, his intelligent eyes looked thankful.

“Only a short one buddy, okay?”  He woofed as I opened the apartment door and he strode urgently, dragging me to the small park nearby, where he relieved himself in the bushes like a gentleman.

There was no way I could have ignored his needs.  You don’t ignore someone who brings magic to your life when it otherwise feels like a wasteland, and Bailey had already done so a thousand fold.  Though Bailey made it look easy to be content with life, I no idea that we were to share bigger challenges ahead.

CHAPTER FOUR

Almost two weeks had passed since my son had found his way to us.  I began to feel a new confidence align itself within me.  At Jonathan’s birth I was shattered for a day or so, my focus eroded then evaporated completely until I caught up a bit on sleep.  There had been euphoria surrounding the birth; the tiny soul needed to be loved and nurtured.  However, from this point forth, rooting in my mind was the pivotal understanding that I would always have to be strong.  With that understanding, a gnawing fear rankled.  My inescapable belief was that I would not be able to be the man that Jonathan required me to be.

Compounding my chronically mercurial issues, there had also been complications with Beth’s health.  In this vortex of chaos, I became too disorganized to control my resolve and strength.  I was losing it.  My life had become a cluttered jumble of rushing from the hospital to work to empty apartment and crashing.  The only constant through these weeks had been the silent wisdom of Bailey, whose presence always calmed me.  Had it not been for my loyal friend my mental moorings would have slipped and the cancerous Shadowed Soul would have sailed me into the doldrums again.

I was not hallucinating.  Rationally, I knew that
he
was not a separate entity.  I got it that the Shadowed Soul was just one aspect of me as a person.  A toxic aspect, but still he and I were one person.  It helped me to personify that negativity and imagine
him
as being distinct from me.  This little mind game I played gave me hope that one day I would find a means to escape his tenacious clutches.  That was what I wanted most in life, freedom from this bastard that followed me, waiting to pounce at the slightest sign of weakness.

Since Jonathan’s birth, the Shadowed Soul lurked in the gutters of my life.  Snickering and drooling, he waited jealously to thrash and plunder the renewed beauty in my world.  Like Cerberus, Bailey’s love guarded me from my fetid moodiness.  My protector was only one dog, however, and so unless I was actively helping him in the battle then his efforts would be for naught.

The complications around our lives spread and we were forced to make a decision that tore my confidence apart.  There simply was not enough room in our apartment for three people, even if one of those was a tiny person.  Environment, too, worried us.  Though we had made our own apartment as
feng-shui
cozy as we could, the neighborhood had riff-raff and drug raids periodically; some of those offenders lived on our hall.  And our building itself was a dump.

“He’s a
thrifty
landlord,” said Beth graciously, over the phone. 

“Really, he’s a cheap bastard,” I said. Peeling plaster in our bathroom depressed me.

“Thomas, he has to first repair the sagging moisture patches in the hall,” said Beth, pushing to win her point.

“Because he’s too cheap to fix the leaking toilet up on seven,” I replied.

“The hall lights never work, Thomas,” argued Beth.  “What if we’re there with the baby and one of those creeps from the crack ring down the hall--” 

“I understand, Beth,” I concurred, but the Shadowed Soul stood behind me scouting for an angle.

“I think she just doesn’t want to live with you, Thomas,” he whispered subversively into my ear.  “This is her chance to get away from you and let you save face.”

“Really, I just don’t want to bring our baby into a place that’s less than perfect, Thomas,” prevailed Beth.  “It’s safer and cleaner at my parents’ place.”

“She doesn’t don’t trust you, Thomas!  Her parents told her they don’t think you can look after a baby.  They want him to be as far away from you as possible.”

“Insidious lies,” I muttered, pushing him away and repositioning the phone.

“What did you say?” asked Beth, surprised.

“Nothing,” I replied.  “We’ll figure it out, Beth, don’t worry, honey.”

“Listen to me, Thomas, the other day you knew they were talking about you,” snarled my demon reminding me of the hushed tones I had overheard between Beth and her parents.  “Urgent tones, Thomas.  You know it was you they were whispering about.”  Of course, as I had entered the kitchen at Dorothy and Pete’s the three of them had melted into all-smiles.  While a part of me knew the smiles were genuine, the Shadowed Soul chuckled into the corner of my mind breeding doubt.

“They were overly-friendly,” insisted the Shadowed Soul. “They’d been talking about you, Thomas.”

“Hello, Thomas!” Pete had exclaimed, rushing from their secret triangle to shake my hand with his giant bear like paw. “Listen, we were talking and I want to put something to you.”

“His voice betrayed discomfort and hesitation,” wheedled the Shadowed Soul. “They all know what you fall victim to, they know you’re depressed, Thomas, that’s why they often tiptoe around you.”

“Dorothy and I have extra room here,” said Pete, chortling.  “Since we married off Beth to you, well, her room isn’t doing anything special.”

“And you’re special,” interjected Dorothy.

“We were thinking if you kids wanted then you could all move in with us?” said Pete.

“At least until you get something else sorted out, anyway,” said Dorothy, persistent like her daughter.

The gesture had been born of kindness but the Shadowed Soul saw it as something different.  He knew were I to move then he would have competition.