Shadowed Soul (5 page)

“I know it’d be great for Beth and the baby, and me, too, except that, for work, I’d have to leave an hour earlier and I’d be an hour late getting home.

“That is a lot of commuting,” agreed Pete. 

“He’s making it too easy for you to stay away,” whispered the Shadowed Soul.  “He’s trying to help you save face, Thomas.”

“Nap on the train,” suggested Beth.  “You’d get more sleep than we’re getting with the baby, anyway.”

Sleep was a huge issue for me.  Fatigue made me easy prey for the Shadowed Soul.

“Beth, honey, we’d still be paying rent on our apartment,” I said, deliberately creating obstacles.  “Our rental release notice is six months and we can’t afford to lose our deposit.”

“Doesn’t really make sense to pay rent on a place that you’re not using,” agreed Dorothy.

“The landlord will probably try and keep our deposit to fix the leaks,” I said.

“The journey to and from work would be hell for you, Thomas,” added Dorothy.

“Wouldn’t you start feeling crowded?” I put the question to Dorothy and Pete.  “I mean, that’s three extra people in your home.”

“You’ll all start hating each other,” assured the Shadowed Soul picking dirt from under his pointy, yellowed nails.  “They already hate you, Thomas.”

The resolution was far more sensible:  My wife and son would abandon me and I would live in the apartment for the next six months alone.  During that time we would save for the deposit on a bigger, nicer place closer to work.  Bizarrely, this suggestion had calmed me down until I had returned home to be greeted by Bailey.  Only then, did it occur to me that if Beth remained with her parents, Bailey would have to stay with her.  I saw the Shadowed Soul doing a little victory dance in a dark corner. 

“Divide and conquer,” sang the specter.  “Dog’s gotta’ stay with
you-know-who
.”

“Your competition,” I muttered.  Damn, my best friend would be gone from my life. A thousand invisible fists punched me in the gut.

“It’s a dog, Thomas.  I am
part
of you,” snorted my nefarious beast. “Anyway, your days together are numbered.  I’ll just bide my time. 
Alone again, naturally
…”  The demon sang Lennon, laughing hysterically as he continued to riff tunes.  “
You set it up so well
!”

“It will be like an insane asylum,” I murmured. “Alone, in this damned apartment with you!  I’ll be lost.”

“We’ll be lost, together, Thomas,” hissed the creature.  What could I do?  How would I function?

I certainly couldn’t disagree with Beth and her parents because the new arrangement was truly better for my son and my wife who was still recovering from surgery.  But for me it was the worst.  I had never mastered living alone. 

“I need the comfort of my family’s love.  I need Beth and Bailey and Jonatha—“

“If
little Jonathan
had not come along, Thomas, then you would not have to face a bitter future alone.  See?  Now, you’re startin’ to see the truth!  Man hug!”  Triumphantly my demon gave me an icky embrace. 

“Get off me,” I grimaced and recoiled.

“He is a little bastard, isn’t he?” sniggered the Shadowed Soul behind me.  The impact of what I had thought in that unguarded moment tormented me.  I loved my son.  But, my sordid companion was back, with a vengeance, aiming to undermine all that was good.

I slumped down and wept fat tears of lonely anguish.  Sobs racked the air around me.  I did not want to hate my son.  But with that one thought I could feel the malignant growth of resentment in my heart.

“
Resentment
works for me,” said the Shadowed Soul nonchalantly.

As I cried, soft, insistent nudging against my knee drew me out of myself.  Opening my eyes I saw Bailey looking at me, concerned.  Licking my hands and face, Bailey sat down with me.  He raised a paw and looked at me reproachfully, waiting for me to shake.  Patiently, he held out.  Finally, I smiled, and shook his paw.

“Oh, man, Bailey, I need to relax,” I said.  The shards in my fractured mind scattered as Bailey’s eyes encouraged me.  I felt it was all going to be fine, somehow it would work out.  “I wish I had the same confidence as you, Bailey.”

“I love you, Tom, you know that, don’t you?” Bailey seemed to say as he cocked his head to the side, and his ears perked up. “You’re going to be a brilliant dad.  I know you are, I sense it, man, buck up.”

“No, I’m not.  How can I be?”

“Because you’ve been strong enough to keep that
thing
at bay for a while now.  He can’t take you, Tom, he’s not man enough.”

“Thanks, Bailey, you’re a good dog.”

“Yes, I am.” Bailey wagged in agreement.  He poked his chin between my knees as if to say, “You know what to do, Tom.”

The next forty minutes were lost stroking the silky fur on his head.  He relished the affection, only shifting when he suspected it would get even better sitting down. 

“Bailey, you’re the one person who never complicates my life,” I said gratefully, relaxing.  Much as I loved Beth, sometimes she set peace asunder, not deliberately, but still I resented her actions.  Bailey however main-lined love and attention to me without the drama.  This had caused a strong bond to grow between us, ever since Beth and I first began to date.

On our third date, Beth, Bailey and I had been walking through the park.  As new loves, fallen deeply, we talked about everything and anything.  On this day I believe it was that my future had been consolidated with each morsel of joy that unfolded between us.  She had laughed when her ice-cream had fallen in front of Bailey who wolfed it down without breaking stride.  Discussing
Star Wars
, Beth had done a terrible and yet exceptionally endearing impression of Chewbacca’s reaction when
Han Solo is encased in carbonite.   She had taken my hand when we were gazing out across the pond, just talking about ducks.  When we sat down, I had been a gentleman and bought her another ice cream, even though I could hardly afford it.  And as we talked, Bailey fussed around us.

“This is great, Beth.  I feel so relaxed,” I sighed.

“It’s lovely, Thomas, you’re lovely.”  Beth turned her face to mine and as I turned to look at her, she placed the tip of her ice-cream on my nose leaving a blob on the tip. “And now you’re lovely with a hint of Chocolate Chip.”  We laughed.

“Beth, I will never wash this off,” I said mock-earnestly.  “It shall remain on my nose until Christmas as a memory of this day.”

“When you shower?”

“It’s months till Christmas so that’s not an immediate problem and I’ll use the time wisely, I’ll devote myself to developing a small nose-sized shower cap so that I can keep it there.”

“That’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me, Thomas,” said Beth softly.  She smiled and leaned in to kiss me briefly on the side of my mouth.  My heart skipped a beat; I was not used to displays of affection, especially in public.  But her kiss, light and gentle, had a penetrating effect on me.

As I gazed at Beth, a paw rested itself on my leg and I looked down at Bailey.  He looked up with his friendly face then stood on my knees, his hind legs on the ground, and lunged forward to lick the ice-cream from my nose.

“I’m so sorry, Thomas, Bailey’s usually so well behaved,” said Beth, amused and embarrassed.

“That’s okay,” I said, chuckling.

“He’s usually quite reticent with strangers,” remarked Beth.  “Not unfriendly but he’s guarded, normally.”

I looked at Bailey and he looked at me, doggy amusement dancing in his eyes.

“He’s a great dog.  I think we might get to be the best of friends,” I said.

At that moment Bailey’s bark seemed to say, “Yes, we will”.  

From the bench, Beth and I admired Bailey as he rushed about tracking a new scent.

I held Beth’s hand then kissed her.  Our kiss seemed to galvanize all the moments of that day into a single confirmation of
forever together
.

Bailey’s gentle bark drew me back to the apartment, he glanced at the door and I looked at the clock.  Beth and our son were leaving the hospital in two hours and that meant that if I left now, I would be able to spend an hour alone with them before her parents came.   Still not having slept much, I glanced at Bailey.

“What’re you waiting for, Tom?” Bailey’s look seemed to say.  For the moment, I was so focused on the things that bring me joy, that I had forgotten my usual need to make an effort to ignore the Shadowed Soul lurking in the corner.

CHAPTER FIVE

Dis
-ease, I pondered the word as I sat in Dorothy and Pete’s living room feeling no ease.  Mutely, I tried to fight my feeling of
dis
-ease that was slowly and inexorably clawing at my spine.  Usually I found this house to be warm and welcoming, yet now I was always acutely aware that Beth had grown up here and the whole place was a testament to the love shared between her parents and her. Not me; her and them.  There were photographs of her and her siblings at every age dotted around the walls and mantelpiece and the very bricks and mortar seemed to glow with decades of love.  Love the Shadowed Soul resented.  Love the Shadowed Soul wished to poison with his noxious avarice.  Today, however, he warped me more:  Less welcoming and more sinister.  Beth sat across from me nursing Jonathan.

“Wow, the chick seems to be lost in her Lady Madonna moment, Thomas,” sniggered the Shadowed Soul.  It should have been a beautiful sight to see my wife and son in happy, uncomplicated need.  Beth and I together had decided that it would be best for Jonathan to breast-feed. Watching this trans-millennial dance between mother and child, I should have been happy.  “Between mother and son.  Madonna, there, has pretty much forgotten about you, Thomas.  She blew you right off, first chance she got.”  I tried to shake him, but all I could think was that this was
their
home, not mine.  “With the way that the economy’s taken a nose-dive, Thomas, you and I could be together for months, maybe years.”

He was right, I would be precluded from this happy unit because of circumstance and as they grew closer I would be marginalized.  Would it be Pete who would teach my son how to play ball?  Would it be Dorothy who would be there when my boy wanted a hug?  They were involved.  I was on the outside looking in.

“He looks like you,” ventured Beth happily including me.

“Does he?” I asked, distracted.

“Yes, he has your eyes,” marveled Beth.  “Look, they’re so deep and gentle, Thomas, just like yours.”  She smiled, regarding me for a long minute before returning her attention to feeding.

“Yep, he is a handsome fellow,” interrupted Pete as brought a tray of coffee. “Though, I reckon I can see some of his old grandpa in there too.”  Pete placed the tray on the table between Beth and me. 

“Proud as pig, aren’t you, Grandpaw Peter?” said Dorothy advancing with cookies.

Soft, sarcastic chuckling emerged from my throat.  It was not me, but it was me.  I could hear the Shadowed Soul in the recesses of my mind.

“Be careful, Pete, that coffee looks hot,” I said churlishly.  Pete looked at me, hiding his surprise at my tone.  After a moment he smiled his usual big friendly smile.

“Tom, I raised three kids.” Pete spoke cautiously with a veneer of playful old grad dad.  “All of them managed to avoid third degree burns so I think young Jonathan’s going to be okay way over there on the couch in his doting mother’s arms.”  His tone was warm and friendly but that was not enough for me.

“I know, Pete,” I said sternly.  “It’s just that you’re a little bit older now and accidents can happen.”

“I’m only fifty-seven, Tom,” said Pete hiding his irritation coolly.  “I’m still as steady as I was when Beth was born.”

“I’m not saying that you’re not.  I just asked you to be careful, that’s all.”  I had overstepped.  The room crystallized accordingly into a frost heave.  The subtle shift in Pete’s expression revealed a strategic son of a bitch.  Pete’s smile was still there but it was clear he would draw a harder line with me next time around. Whether the baby felt the sudden shift in energy from happy to angry is debatable but Jonathan broke away from Beth’s breast and began to wail.  As the plaintive shrieks of a newborn echoed my nerves were stripped raw. 

“I sure will, Tom, I will be careful.  You know I’ll never let anything bad happen to this little guy.” Dorothy looked between us politely ignoring the flash-freeze.

“He’s threatening you, Thomas.  He’s suggesting you’d hurt your own son,” sniggered the Shadowed Soul who now sat curled up right next to my father-in-law.  Regaining my bearings, I looked back at Pete.

“Okay, I know, Pete, I was just saying,” I cowered, showing respect to the
Alpha
male in the house. 

“I’m not a frickin’ idiot, y’know,” Pete’s flinty voice bore amusement.

“Peter, he’s a new daddy.” Dorothy laughed.  “Do you remember what you were like when Beth was born?  You accused one doctor of leaving the scalpel behind after my Caesarean and the other doctor you accused of being clumsy with Beth and demanded that
you
be in the room anytime that
he
examined her.”

“The guy was a dope,” insisted Pete, laughing it off.  “He had hands like catchers mitts. Beth
was
in danger!”

“Dad, let Thomas be as nervous as he wants, that’s his job now,” defended Beth.

Patting her husband’s shoulder, Dorothy looked at me and smiled.  Pete gave me a steely smirk.

“Yeah, I guess you have a point there, Tom.  I can be a big, clumsy bastard at times.”

“Dad, if Jonathan’s first word is a curse I’m going to sue you,” joked Beth. “You’re not with your buddies at the barracks any more.”

“Shit, did I curse?  I’m going to have to watch out for that.”  The atmosphere in the room brightened to its usual warmth.  As if by magic the baby stopped crying and dropped into sleep.

              The rest of Jonathan’s first day outside the hospital was a joyous, magical time.  Together as a family we laughed about what Beth and siblings were like growing up.  Both Dorothy and Pete knew that my childhood had not been the happiest.  As such they never once put me on the spot asking questions about it.  I appreciated that they left it to me to initiate if I wanted to share.