Shadowmagic - Sons of Macha (46 page)

Fand and I got Mom into bed. The Fili Queen convinced her to take a dram of potcheen and she fell into her first proper sleep since the war ended.

‘You could probably use a shot yourself,' I said to Fand. ‘How are you holding up?'

‘Grief, young Conor, is an emotion in which I am well versed. It is a wave that ebbs up and down – and like a wave over time, it diminishes in intensity until – calm. To answer your question, how would you say it? I'm doin' OK.' She smiled and placed her hand on my cheek. ‘And you?'

‘I wouldn't say I'm OK,' I said, turning away.

Fand placed her hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Grief is a wound like any other. And like other wounds, healing takes time. We are fortunate here in The Land to have a surplus of time. Today, tomorrow seems far away but in some future tomorrow you will find peace. May I give you one piece of advice, Lord Conor?'

‘Please,' I said.

‘There is only one salve I know of that speeds the healing of this particular wound. That salve is forgiveness.'

I wanted to ask her what she meant but in that Fili ninja mystical way, she was almost out the door before I opened my mouth.

That night I had a strange triple date. Essa and I had dinner with Araf and Graysea, and Brendan and Nieve.

I told Nieve what Fand had said and asked her if she could forgive Cialtie.

‘I think of Cialtie when he was my baby brother,' Nieve said. ‘When I remember him like that it is easy to forgive him. I refuse to believe that my brother was born bad. I know how Ona's writings can push one into bad actions. I almost killed you, Conor, because of them.'

‘Ah, water under the bridge, Auntie,' I said with a Fergalish smile.

She tried to return the smile but the weight of her thoughts thwarted her. ‘My baby brothers fought and I have lost them both. My sorrow allows no room for hate.'

Brendan put his arm around her and she leant her head on his shoulder. The subject was changed by, of all people, Araf. ‘Graysea and I are taking a trip to Mertain Island. I want to talk to the Mertain King about unbanishing Graysea.'

‘Wow, that's a big trip. Don't you think you should learn to swim first?'

Graysea turned to Araf. ‘You don't know how to swim?'

Araf hemmed and hawed but no actual words came out of his mouth. He did succeed in giving me a look that made me think I was going to get clubbed with a banta next time we were alone.

Believe it or not, I was up before the sun the next morning. I made a pot of tea and knocked on Macha's door. She answered faster than I expected. She was wearing a dressing gown.

‘Did I wake you?' I asked.

‘Sleep, Conor, has not been my companion as of late. What is this on the tray?'

I cleared my throat and said, ‘Grandma, would you like to have tea with me this morning?'

I don't think she would have been more shocked if I had slapped her. ‘Yes … Thank you, please come in.'

Her prison was a comfortable room in the east wing. The windows were barred and she had two guards at the door but it was a far cry from the dungeon I initially wished on her. She made space on a coffee table. When she asked me to sit I saw there was only one chair.

‘I suppose they assumed I would not be having guests.'

I walked to the door and asked the guard if I could have his chair. He wanted to get me a fancier one but I assured him that his was OK. I returned and sat across from the woman who bore my father. She had poured two cups already and was tasting hers.

‘This is lovely, what is it?'

‘It's a Pooka blend. Queen Rhiannon sent it to me.'

She sipped some more and a faraway look washed over her face. ‘I have never seen the Pookalands. I suppose now I never will. I cannot imagine I will ever be welcome anywhere again.'

I wanted to reassure her, tell her that she was being silly but I couldn't, she was probably right.

‘I can't imagine anyone being kind to me ever again after what I have done. You, Conor, here, and with tea, is a shock.'

‘Fand told me I should work on my forgiveness.'

‘The apple has fallen far from the tree with that one.'

‘Yeah, Fand is great. Saying that, her mother did a noble thing in the end.'

‘You think killing one's self is noble?' Macha asked.

‘I'm not sure about that but I do know that continuing the way she was going would have been wrong.'

‘What is right and what is wrong is in the purview of the victors.'

‘I've heard that before and I don't buy it. I think right and wrong is easier than that. I watched Maeve rip out a man's heart. Some things are just plain wrong.'

‘Like kidnapping a young girl?

My instinct was to reply, ‘Yes', but I bit my tongue. ‘I didn't come here to judge.'

‘Why are you here, Conor?'

‘I thought you might like to visit your sons' graves.'

I picked up a pebble and threw it on top of Fergal's dolman.

‘Is that Cialtie's grave?' Macha asked.

‘No, that's Cialtie's son's … your grandson. His name was Fergal.'

There was an awkward moment with neither of us knowing what to say. The uncomfortable silence was broken by a voice behind us.

‘Hello Mother.'

Macha turned and was stunned to see her daughter holding a wooden box. Then she dropped her gaze and said, ‘Nieve.'

Nieve stepped up to her mother and kissed her on the cheek. Macha tensed up like she was expecting a blow. There was history between these two women that existed long before recent events. ‘I too, Mother,' Nieve said, ‘am working on my forgiveness.'

Macha said nothing but her eyes filled up.

We walked over to a corner of the courtyard where a hole had been dug. Nieve opened the lid on her box and said, ‘This is what is left of Cialtie.'

Cialtie's body had been cremated. Mom thought his ashes should be scattered, but after talking with Fand, Nieve argued that regardless of what we thought of him he did at one time sit on the Oak Throne and should be buried in Castle Duir. Mom acquiesced and we all agreed that maybe we should keep the grave unmarked until tempers cooled down.

Macha reached into the box and then placed a handful of the dust that was once her son into the grave. ‘Goodbye, my Cialtie.'

Nieve poured in the rest of the remains and then left after I finished shovelling the dirt back into the hole.

As I walked my grandmother back to the castle, I threw a stone on top of Dad's dolman.

‘Why do you do that?' Macha asked.

‘It's what they do in Ireland. I do it just as a way of remembering.'

Macha picked up a pebble and said, ‘Goodbye, my Oisin.' Then she threw the stone and missed. She placed her hand in front of her mouth trying to hide the flood of emotions but then succumbed to them. She plopped down on the path cross-legged like a little girl.

I didn't know what to do. I sat down across from her and took her hand in mine. When she finally looked at me her face was streaked with tears. I don't think I had ever seen a more wretched face on a woman.

‘I have been a failure as a mother.'

Again my immediate instinct was to say, ‘No', but that would have been a lie.

‘I was a failure as a wife and a queen.' She placed her hand tenderly on my cheek, ‘And as a grandmother. I have wasted my life loving the wrong men and now they are all dead because of me.' Then she dropped her chin onto her chest and said in a voice so low I almost didn't hear, ‘Except Dahy, and he cannot even look at me.'

‘You know Dad said something to me that I am using at the moment. He said, “No matter how dark things become, eventually they do get better.”'

She looked me in the eyes and forced a smile. ‘You are a good boy, Conor. You and my daughter have been kind to me but I do not believe there will be many more so forgiving … And who can blame them.' She dropped her head again and said, ‘The Pookas think that when we die we are reborn. Maybe next time I can be … good.'

‘What are you talking about?'

‘I would like you to find someone who could escort me to Thunder Bay. I would like to sail off into the great unknown.'

Helping someone kill themselves went against everything the mortal me believed in, but here we were immortals and the only option for death was sailing out to sea. To sail past the vitalising power that was The Land. I didn't know what to say. Luckily, I didn't have to say anything.

‘I will take you, Macha,' Dahy said. He was standing off to our left. I suspect he had been watching us ever since I escorted Macha from her room.

Macha's head snapped towards the old master. She quickly stood and brushed her dress flat and wiped her eyes. ‘That is very kind of you, Diddo,' she said.

The days passed like Fand warned me they would. Some were good and some were bad. Mom dragged me out for regal duties when some visiting Runelord appeared. It made my heart ache when I instinctively turned to smile with Dad only to find the Oak Throne empty.

Eventually the Runelords ordered a meet to discuss the House of Duir. It was decided that since no one held an Oak Rune that Castle Duir should be queened by Mom. It was not a unanimous vote. Some objected to someone from the House of Cull controlling the gold stipend but most of the Lords realised that without a rune the Leprechauns wouldn't follow anyone except their warrior queen. I was just glad nobody tried to foist the job on me.

After the meeting Mom and I were left alone in the Throne Room. She looked tired and I pointed to the Oak Throne and said, ‘Well, my Queen, why don't you have a seat?'

Mom sat down on the dais steps and said, ‘No, that is your father's chair. I'm only here stopping this place from crashing into chaos until someone chooses the Duir Rune. I suspect it won't be long. Master Eirnin told me that half of the un-runed Faeries in The Land have booked Choosing classes with him.'

‘Rather them than me,' I said and sat next to her. ‘Well, I think you're a great queen.' I raised an imaginary glass and toasted, ‘May ye reign for ever.'