Shadows and Light (18 page)

“While people do live back here, they tend to avoid the main road. We don’t have time to divert to a village and check into an inn or find a farmhouse.”

“Another night outside?” Rafael moaned.

“You sound like such a spoiled little princeling,” Xian said, the edge of a smile showing on his lips. “I know for a fact that you’ve slept in gutters overflowing with filth, so I don’t believe for a moment that sleeping on cleared, clean earth is any worse.”

“I was insensible when I slept in those gutters,” Rafael replied. “Happily dead to the world. Not acutely aware of every boulder-sized chunk of rock beneath my body on the cleared, clean earth.”

“Be more thorough when you prepare your bed next time,” Xian suggested calmly. “Regardless, we need a place to spend the day. Keep your eyes open.”

“Look for a darker spot in the darkness,” Rafael sighed. “I know.” He let Xian go first, his horse annoyingly sure-footed in the gloom. Rafael ambled after, trying to keep his spine relaxed and move with the horse, but it was hard when the creature’s hooves slid out from under them every few steps as more gravel broke away from the path. It was getting colder too, noticeably colder in only the two weeks they’d been beyond the borders of Clare, and it was difficult not to tense against the chill.

It was Xian who ended up finding them a den about fifteen minutes later, and Rafael was more than ready to stop at that point. The appointed spot was a dense thicket down a hill several meters off the trail, heavily shadowed by pine trees. It would be nearly invisible from the trail even in the daylight, and there was a slender stream right next to it, which would be good for the horses and for the two of them. They both dismounted once they’d made their way down the hill, and Xian handed the reins over to Rafael.

“I’ll prepare the camp while you care for the horses.”

That was one of the new skill sets Rafael had had to learn—how to tend to a huge, odiferous, time-consuming animal in a way that would keep it fit to ride. It was far from his favorite aspect of the trip, but after several weeks, and with Xian’s help, Rafael was fairly competent at it now. He found a place beneath the trees where the horses could stand comfortably, and even graze some, then took off their saddles and pads and exchanged the heavy bridles for simple rope halters. He staked their leads to the ground, then spent some time brushing both of the beasts down and checking their hooves for stones. Then he hauled some water for them, and by that point he was both sweating and freezing simultaneously. His horse looked down at the ground, sniffed for a moment, then whuffled indignantly.

“Do I look like a miracle worker?” Rafael demanded. “I can’t make grass spring up from rock.” His horse continued to stare. “The grain cakes will be harder and harder to get. Just be patient and I’ll find you food later.”

This provoked a whinny, and Rafael gave in to the inevitable. “Fine. Don’t blame me if you’re starving in a week.” He took two thick grain cakes out of his saddlebag and fed one to each horse. “Now stop your whining.”

“I never thought I’d see you argue with something that couldn’t argue back,” Xian remarked from the entrance to the shelter that would be their home for the next day. The inside of it had been lined with heavy wool blankets, which would serve the dual purpose of blocking out the light and keeping in the heat. He had pulled the rest of their personal belongings inside and made up a pallet on the ground that would be just large enough for the two of them, if they stayed close. After experiencing the pleasure of sleeping with Xian for the past two weeks, Rafael had every intention of staying as close as humanly possible.

“Arguing with inanimate objects is one thing, arguing with that wretched beast is another. Just because he can’t speak doesn’t mean he won’t try to drown me in guilt.”

“My poor pet, a slave to the will of his noble steed.” Xian smirked as he slipped his arms around Rafael’s waist from behind, pressing cool lips to his neck.

“I live to serve,” Rafael replied flatly, but he nevertheless leaned back into the embrace, craving the physical connection between them.

“I know,” Xian said, and kissed him again before pulling back. “The snares are almost ready.”

“I’ll help you set them,” Rafael offered.

“As you wish.” They walked together past the stream, wending their way through the thick press of pine needles. Xian held a length of slender wire in his hands and was expertly tying a noose into the end of it. Once finished, he handed it to Rafael and began on the next one. “We may get lucky with one of the larger traps here. A badger would bring plenty in trade.”

“Or we could simply pay for food,” Rafael offered, not for the first time. He winced as a finger suddenly flicked his ear, hard.

“Or you could learn to be self-sufficient,” Xian said. “I don’t show you all of this because I enjoy boring you, Rafael.” He handed him the second snare and began tying the third. His long, milk-pale fingers dexterously slid the wire into the appropriate loop. “These are things you need to know if we’re to succeed. Once we reach—” He stopped speaking as the wire suddenly slipped from his hands, falling limply to the ground. They both stopped and stared at it for a long moment. Rafael looked uncomprehendingly down at the wire, then over at Xian.

Xian’s face was always hard to read, his casual expression of imperturbability down to an art after half a millennium of life, but something about the sudden lowering of his eyelids to half mast, hiding the blank white orbs from view, was very disturbing. In all the years of his apprenticeship and the short time they’d been together since then, Rafael had never seen Xian fumble. To see it now meant that things were happening that Rafael had steadfastly refused to discuss for the past two weeks, and the cold ache that swelled suddenly in his chest had nothing to do with the weather.

After a moment, Xian bent and retrieved the loop of wire as though nothing had happened. He expertly finished tying the knot then turned to Rafael. “Get those two set and baited, then meet me back at camp. Dawn is coming fast.” He took the one left in his hands and moved on, leaving Rafael staring after him in the iron-gray shadows. After a moment he snapped out of his fear-induced fugue and went to set the traps, trying to find signs of animals and choose likely spots for the snares, but in the end he simply tied them down within five feet of each other before sprinting back to their camp.

Xian was already there, not sitting in the den he’d prepared but stroking the nose of his own horse, a large gray mare with tufted black ears and a much less argumentative disposition that Rafael’s mount. He looked over at his former apprentice as Rafael skidded into the small clearing. “Problems?”

“No,” Rafael said after a second, trying to slow down the anxious beating of his heart. “No problems.”

“Then we’d best get inside.” He stepped away from his horse and took Rafael’s hand then led him back into the den. They both sat down, and Xian lowered the final blanket over the entrance, plunging them into darkness. Rafael sat and shivered, completely unnerved, and jumped when he felt Xian’s hand on his shoulder.

“Sleep,” Xian said.

“Shouldn’t… But shouldn’t we—”

“We’ll talk about it later, pet,” Xian soothed him. “It will keep for a few more hours, and I know you need the rest. Lie down with me.”

“Xian…” Rafael didn’t think he could sleep with the specter of the dreaded “talk” hanging over him, something he’d gone out of his way to avoid up to now, but he was tired from hours of riding through the dreary, interminable hills. The environment simply didn’t energize him the way living in a city had, and he had lived in Clare his whole life before their exodus. To be a stranger in what was essentially a new world was a novel and uncomfortable fear that he fought with constantly.

Rafael let himself be coaxed onto his side on the pallet of blankets and cloaks, and when Xian nestled in behind him and fit their bodies together like lock and key, the ache in his chest began to dissipate. He focused on the soft touch of his lover’s breath on his skin and the steady cadence of both of their heartbeats, and slowly he allowed himself be comforted until he couldn’t stop from sleeping.

Chapter Fifteen

If Rafael’s waking moments were marred by an underlying fear of impending change, his sleep was just as invaded by twisted memories shaped into terrifying dreams. He saw his ejection from the Upper City over and over again. Each time Xian brought him back from the brink of death, he did it while laughing, delighting in his former apprentice’s pain. Rafael saw himself bound in the circular chamber, hanging from chains and waiting with breathless anticipation for his master’s hand, or his whip. Instead of Xian, though, it was Myrtea who wielded the weapon, and she bit brutally deep into his skin, drawing blood and baring bone.

Even worse were the dreams where she had Xian under her control, chained and helpless. She called him “my beloved”, and she touched him intimately with hands like burning brands, leaving bright red blisters on Xian’s perfect, pale skin. They should have healed almost instantly but they couldn’t—the Blood of Erran had left Xian, abandoned him to his latent mortality, and he was dying now and it was all Rafael’s fault. All he could do was watch and listen as his lover screamed, strange and high and breathy, hardly more than a whimper but—

“Rafael.” Xian’s hand was on his shoulder, stroking soothingly down his arm. “It’s just a dream, pet. I’m here with you and we’re both fine.”

Rafael realized with a start that the keening scream was coming from his own throat and he cut it off abruptly, wincing at the soreness left behind. “I’m sorry,” he husked, forcing the words out.

There was just enough light filtering in under the very edge of the far blanket that Rafael could make out the white smudge that was Xian’s hand as it circled around his waist and began to gently stroke over his tightly clenched abdomen. Cool lips pressed calming kisses to the back of his neck, pushing aside sweat-soaked hair to get to the skin beneath it. “You have nothing to apologize for,” Xian murmured.

“I keep waking you up.”

“I wasn’t really sleeping.” There was another kiss, this time to his shoulder. “Was it the city again?”

The last time Rafael had had a nightmare, he had been standing in the very center of the inferno that once was Clare, watching with horror as the fundament of the city gave out in one great, quaking collapse. Thousands of people had fallen to their deaths at the bottom of the abyss, where their bodies joined the corpse of Erran, the imprisoned demigod that the High Ones had bled dry for centuries to fuel their youth and power. It had been a strangely fanciful nightmare, for him.

“Not the city,” Rafael managed at last. “Us. You, with Myrtea again. She hurt you and I had to watch her do it, I couldn’t stop her. You were bleeding… You were bleeding, Xian, becoming mortal.” The enormity of their circumstances suddenly struck Rafael with vicious intensity. “I don’t even know what will happen when you start to become mortal, I don’t know how to help you. Xian, you have to tell me, I have to know what to do!” He struggled to turn around in his lover’s grasp, but Xian held tight.

“Not now,” he said firmly. “There are things I need to show you in order for you to understand it all, and I want both of us to have the freedom to move around. We can’t do anything more than lie here right now, Rafael, so we might as well make the most of the situation.” Xian slid a hand into Rafael’s pants and curled around his cock, which took an immediate interest. “Take those off if you want to avoid having to clean them,” he said, a smile evident in his voice. Rafael pushed his pants off his hips immediately, kicking them down his legs until he was free of them. “Good, pet.”

“I need…” The featherlight touches along his shaft were maddeningly teasing. “Xian, I need…”

“I always know what you need,” his lover whispered just before grabbing him hard. Xian’s nails bit into the base of Rafael’s cock, focusing him with the perfect pain, and it was all Rafael could do to bite back a shout. His teeth sank into his lower lip as Xian began to stroke him again, pulling hard on his foreskin, twisting his grip on the way up. It felt so good, with just enough pain to keep his thoughts exactly where they should be, on the hand and the man that were making him lose his fear to rising lust.

“That’s it, Rafael,” Xian urged him. “There’s nothing right now but this, and it’s good between us, pet. It’s always good between us.” It was, better than good—incredible, like lightning in his blood. Xian moved against him, thrusting just enough to let Rafael feel the hard ridge of Xian’s cock, suddenly loosed from the slick black cloth that contained it and hot and ready against his ass. Rafael’s own need went from rising to the edge of explosion, and when his lover whispered, “Come for me,” into his ear, it was a welcome relief to obey and let go, his orgasm shuddering through him in waves and leaving him breathless.

“Perfect boy,” Xian said as he kissed Rafael’s shoulder, scraping his teeth over the bare skin at the base of his neck. His hand, wet with Rafael’s spend, slicked the lubricant over Xian’s cock, and a moment later he spread Rafael open and pressed inside him, sliding his thick length completely into his lover in one long, slow thrust. Rafael moaned, still quivering from his release and unable to move or think, just there to take what Xian was giving him.

He was becoming accustomed to this now, after having sex every day for two weeks. The burn dissipated in moments, leaving behind a feeling of fullness and incredible satiation, even though Xian hadn’t come yet and Rafael was nowhere near coming again himself. It was the connection that he craved more than the orgasm, more than the pure physical pleasure. It was the sensation of his lover inside him, holding him, owning him. Rafael needed that connection like he needed Xian himself, and he sighed happily into the crook of his arm, where his head rested.

“Better now, pet?” Xian asked, lips pressed against Rafael’s ear. Rafael nodded mutely and pushed his hips back, wanting his lover to move. Xian took the hint and began to shift his weight, pressing Rafael down against the pallet until he was more on his stomach than on his side, one knee bent and hitched up to give Xian all the room he needed to thrust. Thrust he did, but it was slow, so slow, infinitesimal movements in and out in the measured, almost harsh glide of skin against skin that drove Rafael crazy.