ShameLess (30 page)

“Tell me, what is the one thing you miss most? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. You know, I respect your choice, either way. I just know how much your mom meant to you, what she means to you…and, I really wish I would have had the chance to know her.”

“No, it’s okay. Honestly, she would have loved you. You would have loved her, too. And, I don’t know if you remember me telling you shortly after we met about the day my mom sat me down and told me about having cancer? She was terminal, and as she spoke, I sat there in shock.”

Agitation surfaces showing across his entire face. He grits his teeth through the bad memory, but I can tell he has more to say. He stands and faces me.

I place my hands on his forearms and wait patiently, allowing him time to regain composure. Offering him a half-turned smile, encouraging him, I let him know I am here.

Stefan takes some more time to draw a few more deep breaths, sighs, and then says, “My mother told me, ’
One day, you will meet someone. I may not be here, but I will be here…’
”

He pauses to place his hand over his own heart, and goes on
, “When you need me, when you think you’ve found her, I will be here – always, here, for you, but let yourself be loved. Let yourself love her’
. This is why I brought you here today. I do love you and I am allowing myself to be loved by you. I wanted you to meet my mom, and for her to meet you, Ren. There is no one else for me but you.”

His eyes pooled with emotions. Staring at him, hearing him share his feelings so openly and deeply with me, overtake mine, too. I position myself closer to him, putting my hand over his over his heart. “Oh my god, Stefan. This is why you have always said this exact thing to me. This is why...” I can’t even continue past the soul-filled breath I’ve sucked in.

My own emotions, and everything I’ve been through to get here. This moment, his words, and a knowing of ‘hope’ and true love repair my heart. Yep, there’s that word again – hope. I smile, whole-heartedly. I wrap my arms around him, kissing him passionately. We stay together this way, for a while, just kissing, embracing, and loving. It is so intimate, so special, and there truly are no words to express the depth of my love for him. I know how much his mother meant to him. Still means to him. I just wasn’t expecting him to share her with me, like this.

I release my hand, and take a few small steps closer to her grave. I kneel down, running my hands over her stone, over her etched name, whispering, ‘Victoria Esposito’.

My heart cramps, but I give her the respect she deserves, “I am Ren. I wish we would have had the chance to meet in person, but it is my honor to meet you today. I am very blessed because of you. Thank you for giving to me the most amazing man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I promise I will love him with everything I have.”

I raise my hand, placing it over my heart, “’always here’. I thank you for him. I thank you for sharing your son with me. He is ‘Bello’, just like you.”

Never hearing Stefan approach, he takes me by surprise when he comes up behind me, placing his hand on my shoulder. “Bello, eh? Someone has been doing her homework behind my back.” He gives the soft folds of my shoulder a gentle squeeze.

I rise up, facing him. “Pfft, nah. Who me?”

I start giggling, as he pulls me to him. Looking me directly in the eye, he leans close enough that the tips of our noses are touching, “Tu sei una stella...la mia stella.”

Then, he promptly drops to one knee. My heartbeats suddenly rise. I suck in a deep breath.

“You are a star...my star. Amerete me per sempre e sempre?” Stefan raises my hand, holding it to his lips, a single tear rolls from his eye as he restates, “Will you love me forever and always? Will you marry me,
my
Bella?

Flowing, happy tears release, as I nervously yank him upright. I’m speechless, and my hands are trembling. I open my mouth to speak but no words form, nor part from my lips.

I stagger past my nerves to finally respond, “Per sempre e sempre. Yes, YES! I will love you forever and always.”

At once, a single exquisite butterfly begins flittering around us, flapping its wings in the most picturesque way. It is stunning. Then and there, it lands atop Victoria’s headstone. It pauses briefly then flies away in the slightly waning beams of sunshine. Her blessing is upon us.

I whisper, “thank you” as we both watch it fly away.

4 Years Later

Everyone else is still asleep. It is six o’clock in the morning on a beautiful spring day. The sun is already awake, and shines its warmth upon me. I sit in this patio chair, sipping on my coffee, listening to the birds chirping, and realize my mind is my personal mirror into my past. I rejoice in each trial, each triumph. I fully accept how each one, great or small, has helped create a balance in my life over these past five years. I realize, who I am now is because of all that has happened. Actually, I would never be who I am today without enduring every single lesson. I am truly happy, and deserve to marry the love of my life, the keeper of my heart, and the protector of my soul.

Today is a day I have earned. I have overcome, am still overcoming some things, but I have survived. I still see my good doc. He is part of my personal journey, helping to bring me this far, even if I honestly do not want to fully admit that.

This day starts my very own fairy tale come true. It is a reflection of me, a reflection of Stefan. It is a proven example of who we are becoming, together.

Today is my wedding day! I marry my best friend, and vow our ‘forever and always’ before our family and friends.

It has been five years since that night on the beach where I celebrated turning twenty-one. Before that night, I had envisioned it would be a night of whooping fun, drinking until I was hung over a toilet and waking up the next morning not remembering much. I mean, is that not a typical ‘legal’ celebration? Of course, my twenty-first was anything symbolic of any stereotypes I ever witnessed with friends or heard about from others.

Mine marked the beginning of a promise. That night, forever left its footprints upon the grains of my heart, and became
the
night where my forever and always began with a pure blessing of a mother’s love.

“There you are? I’ve been looking for you. Today’s the big day! I couldn’t sleep I am so excited for you. But, it’s so freaking early. Ugh! You didn’t sleep, either, I bet.” Jade takes the seat next to mine.

“Hey! I knooww! Omigod, Jade, I am so…I don’t know, so many things. I am beyond happy. I feel so blessed. Mostly, I’m sitting here thinking back, reflecting. I still remember how Stefan proposed. I remember being so thrilled to share it with all of you later that night over dinner. And, I even celebrated, not only my engagement, but also my birthday with my favorite people. It was just the best night ever.”

I glance over at her and smile fresh recent memories still crystal clear. She takes a sip of her coffee, but remains silent. I take a sip of my own, saying, “So much has happened; so much has changed. Sometimes, after it all, I wonder if I even deserve all of this happiness, you know.” I allow the last few words to slowly grow faint as I glimpse past the glare of the hot sun to take in the ocean view. So many memories here, too.

The beach house is officially now ours, Stefan’s and mine. My parents legally signed the deed over to us as an early wedding present. Plus, dad is paying for our honeymoon to the Caribbean. Mom made Stefan stay at Kirk’s since she is a stickler for traditions. Since we decided to have our wedding on the beach, she refused him staying here last night. This memory makes me chuckle aloud because he was not very happy with her.

“Don’t you dare go there with me, S’renaty James – soon to be Mrs. Esposito. You deserve every single ounce of this happiness because of who you are, and especially because of what you have been through. Don’t you ever think or believe you do not deserve this. You and Stefan are perfect for each other.”

She takes another drink of her coffee, swallows it, and sits her mug down on the table, turning to face me more serious-like, “You even helped him mend his relationship with his father. In addition, he sees his sister, Cass, more because of you. You and Cass have even gotten close over these past several years. He is blessed to have you. Ren, you are one of the most honest, sincere and trusting people I know. I feel so lucky we were roommates in college. But, I am more blessed that because of that we became friends, and still are so to this day. Girl, you are like the sister I never had.”

She stands up and walks a few steps over to me, hugging me. I hug her back, thinking quickly in my mind about how Stefan and his dad repaired their relationship.

After our engagement, he took me to meet his dad. I was extremely nervous because of the stories I heard. Stefan kept telling me it was just a formality; his dad would not be overly showy with his excitement but would love me. He also tried to prepare me by telling me it did not matter to him whether his dad accepted us or not. He did make one valid point, “I am not marrying your family, and you are not marrying mine. We are marrying one another; so frankly, their opinion does not really matter. Yeah, it’d be nice to have their blessing, too. But, it will never change the way I feel about you.” I was instantly at ease after he said that, mostly because I knew in my heart it was true. So, that afternoon, we arrived there, and his dad was in his office. As we walked in, he never even looked up. It was like we didn’t exist. In that instance, it hit me that being ignored, feeling unimportant is a terrible emotion. My heart broke once again for this man I love that was made to feel this way by the one parent he had left on this earth.

Finally, Stefan just spit out that we were engaged and getting married. He wanted to introduce me. His dad glanced up, caught my sight, and took off his glasses sitting them on a stack of papers he had been working on. “Nice to meet you,” is all he said before looking at Stefan saying, “Married, eh?”

Stefan held his stance, glaring back at his father, “Yep. I am. You plan on coming, or not?”

“Wouldn’t miss it; you tell your sister?” A man clearly of few words was saying so much, yet so very little, his words spoken in the tear running down his cheek. I squeezed Stefan’s hand, whose own was tightening in mine. He cleared his throat, “Yep. That’s why I’m here. You know her, the little fixer. She made me swear I’d tell you, even though I told her you could give a damn.”

Stefan’s dad stood, paused, looked out his large floor to ceiling office window before walking over to where we were standing. He passed a quick empathetic glance in my direction, but upon turning his eyes back to his son, said, “I guess I deserve that, and I take it like a man. I’m sorry, son. Truly, I am. I may not have been the father you needed, or even deserved. I know I let you down many times. Hell, I even let your mom down. You are a man yourself now, and have finally found a woman who loves you. I can see it in the way she looks at you, looks at me, which tells me she would claw my eyes out to protect you. Your mother wished this woman into being for you. You are a very lucky man. I was too, back in the day. Your mom was the air I breathed. When I lost her, I lost myself. For that, I will never be able to tell you how truly sorry I am. Please, let me try again.”

I looked at Stefan’s father, giving him a ‘thank you’ expression. Then, I released Stefan’s hand and placed it upon the small of his back, urging him forward. He followed my lead, and stepped toward his dad, who upon seeing his son’s reaction, immediately yanked him into a tight hug. Both of these men, stood with open wounds in their hearts, but taking the first step in healing.

Remembering, I smile now since after that one day, we made it a point to stop over and visit often. We went out to dinner with his dad, and even introduced our parents together, who remarkably got along well. Many attempts have been made and Stefan has really made me proud by trying with his dad. His dad surprised me by keeping his word. Well, more like putting action behind them, and not just letting them fall empty. In fact, he sees Dr. Bradford, again, at our persistence. Things truly have changed.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right, Jade. What would I ever do without you here to set me straight?” I laugh, knowing there is so much truth spoken here.

Like the void still in my soul over not having Elle here on my wedding day, I know what ‘without you here’ means on every level. Thankfully, I do have Jade now, among just a few of the friends I have acquired during my new start.

All of them are here with me, today. I am blessed!

”Well, lucky for you, you won’t have to worry about that,” Jade replies as Debi, Cass, Alli, Ashley, and Kathy all step out onto the deck. I look at each of them with a warm smile in my heart.

“Worry about what?” They say in near unison. Jade and I shoot each other a quick look and burst out laughing.

“Oh, nothing. Ren just has the wedding day jitters. We need to get her mind busy so she doesn’t have time to think, is all,” she says, still laughing.