ShameLess (27 page)

“I owe you an apology, and I hope you can forgive me,” he breaks mid-sentence, and I can tell he is mulling his words carefully.

“You know, your whole life, I have loved you. You are my child, Ren. I have never thought differently. It isn’t about blood or DNA. It’s about accepting someone in your life as your own, and loving them through life’s demands, strife’s, and complexities with unconditional love in your heart for them. Life throws us all curve balls, sweetheart. In my line of work, I dodge quite a few. Since day one with you, I have known about Lou. He has been my biggest ball to dodge to date. Not a day has gone by where I wasn’t mounted and in a ‘ready’ position for him.”

His eyes search mine, and I know he is fighting back a lump in his throat from the change of tone in his voice, but he continues, “I have worked this case since the day your mother first told me about him. I knew once he got out, he would come for you. I knew it was only a matter of time.”

This time, he does clear his throat, and swallows hard, “Your entire life, I have protected you. I couldn’t protect you the day of prom. I failed…”

Tears are now streaming down his cheeks, and as I watch them roll across his cheekbones, I am now trying to accept this is the first time I have ever seen him cry, and what I
think
he is trying to say.

“Prom? What do you mean, exactly? What are you trying to say, dad?”

Promptly, he whisks the fallen tears away, “Ren. The accident was not an accident. He…”

He swallows past another lump, “Lou, was trying to get to you. Elle was just the one in his way. He was a natural killer. He came for your mother beforehand, but saw you with her one day. He had followed your mom to the supermarket, and as she was pushing the grocery cart, with you in the seat, across the parking lot, he watched. Lou followed your mom home that day, and watched her the entire time. She never knew…until, she forgot your binky that she accidentally dropped in the driveway. When she went out to retrieve it, to quiet your cries, she noticed her tires were all flat when minutes prior they were not. In the front passenger tire, there was a knife imbedded deep into the tread. A single note, left by him, hung beneath its blade. It read:

‘The child is mine.

I will have her.

Or, you both will die.’

He then vanished. I hunted him like a hungry tiger fighting to survive the thickest jungles. I would get close. My team of agents worked many hours trying to locate him, track him, following the crumbs he was leaving. Many days I felt defeated but each time all I ever had to do was look at you, look into your beautiful eyes and know exactly what my fight with Lou was about. I never gave up. I love you too much.”

His eyes soften, and his posture becomes more sluggish, as he adjusts the weight of his stance.

I hold up my finger, “Wait.” I look around, quickly scanning the crowd. Everyone else is still having fun, laughing, drinking, and dancing. I avert my eyes back to my dad, shaking my head. I cover my face with both palms, trying to gather my senses.

“So, what I
think
you are telling me is I should have died that night of the prom; not Elle, right? It should have been me because from what I’m hearing you say, Lou has been after me all this time. Right?”

I don’t hesitate between breaths, “Right!” I shout, at him, stepping away from him.

“Sweetheart…”

“Just say it, dad. Tell me!” I demand, not backing down, forcing him to answer.

He exhales deeply, “Yes. No. Lou intended to hurt you. He was a very sick man, Ren. You are not to blame. In his mind, he felt you needed to die with him or kill with him. He saw no other option. His mind would not process any other alternative. The only thing he didn’t count on was while he thought he was only hitting your car, he was also hitting the car parked directly beside yours. We believe his plan was to go over the cliff with you, not have the impact of hitting two identical models of vehicles slow down the force of impact, sending yours and Elle’s cars over the cliff, leaving his truck untouched. He never included a second vehicle in his scenario. As soon as he realized, he knew he couldn’t get down that mountainside to check whether you were dead or alive. He fled the scene.”

I am breathing rapidly and so incredibly labored, I feel like I am going to pass out. I grab onto my dad for stability.

“No!” I cry out into his chest, spilling grief from my eyes. Long minutes pass.

Neither of us speaks. I do not ask any more questions. Frankly, I know I have heard more than enough. Dad doesn’t push or pressure by providing further details, he only wraps me in his arms letting me sob. I know he realizes I just need his arms around me, and the security he is offering right now.

Finally, I pull back a little, “Thank you for telling me the truth.” What else or more can I say? I am speechless. The truth, despite being painful to hear, is still the truth and is far better than any lie. In time, I know hearing the truth will be part of my healing.

“Squirt, there is more.” I suck in an instant breath!

Dad quickly settles my nerves by saying, “It’s not what you think. Breathe.”

Once he is relieved to see me release that one breath, I hear him release one, too. “Ren, he told me to ‘fuck off’”.

I shoot my eyes at him, “What? Who?”

“That boy. He’s pretty protective of you, you know?”

“Stefan told you to ‘fuck off’?” Through furrowed brow, I question him, probing for more.

“Sure did. Pretty ballsy. I’m impressed, but don’t tell him that. He broke our deal when he fell in love with you. I gave him an ultimatum, and he told me to ‘fuck off’.” He winks at me, and I know he truly is. Not many have ever stood up to my dad, so chalk one up for Stefan. Right now, though, I am more concerned with what I am hearing my dad say.

“He broke off the deal. With you. For me.” My words come out broken, warped within the fine threads of massive webbed confusion.

At last, my dad leans over and kisses the center of my forehead. After breathing me in, he asserts in loving atonement, “You will always be my Squirt. Now, go get him. He loves you.”

I look at him, dazed. I remain unmoving, motionless, as if frozen in time. “Get him? He’s here?” I question, barely more than a quiet murmur.

Dad nods his head, and smiles affirming
he
is here. I kiss my dad, swiftly, thank him profusely, and take off in search of Stefan.

Stefan

I see her the minute she steps away from her dad, the very second she approaches closer to the deck, and clears the small huddle of people standing there. She doesn’t see me.
Perfect!

Jade, Debi, Kirk, Zak, and Ian, along with the rest of the crew are all to thank for helping me keep this secret, plan this event. Oh, and I can’t forget about Ren’s parents, which even surprised me. I totally wasn’t expecting them to agree, let alone support my plan. I called her mom, and just explained everything. Shockingly, she was so nice to me on the phone that day and I will be forever grateful.

I can remember right before we hung up her say, “You deserve her, and she deserves you. If you love her, fight for her.”

I thanked her tremendously because her words are so true. I knew that is what I needed to do before she said that, but my pride was bigger than my hope, I guess. Now, I am hopeful. She reminded me of my own mother that day. I could hear my mom in my heart saying something similar to me after Ren’s mom spoke. They would have liked each other.

From where I am standing, out of sight from inside the house, I have clear sight of the DJ, and nod to give him the go-ahead. It is now or never. He takes my cue, and starts the music. I step out onto the deck, taking the microphone from him, and mouth, ‘Thanks Dude’.

I pause, and clear my throat, keeping my eyes fixed on her while I speak. “Hey everyone! I hope you are having fun!”

“I know we’re all having fun busting’ out 80’s songs, but this next one is one from the ‘90’s…the era of
my girl,
the birthday girl. Actually, the year of the song was 1994 so this is not the exact year
my star
was born since she was born in 1992, but the words to this song fit us perfectly.”

Her eyes find mine, now, and we reunite in a locked embrace. Shock and surprise cover her face as she brings her shaking hands up to cover her mouth.

I wink at her. “I dedicate this one to you, Ren. Happy birthday baby.”

I give the DJ a quick nod, letting him know ‘let’s do this’.

A few seconds later, the music starts and I begin. “Here I am at six o’clock in the morning still thinking about you,”

I smile at her still unsure but needing to go on. I am totally into it as I sing the last line of the first stanza, “All I know,” and make my way down the deck steps moving to her.

I belt out the chorus giving it all I’ve got, “I need you now. More than words can say, I need you now. I’ve got to find a way, I need you now. Before I lose my mind, I need you now!”

I take her hand in mine, and finish the rest of the song. Every time I hit, “I need you now,” I either wink at her or gently squeeze her hand, further letting her know these words are true for me.

As the last line is sang, I hesitate, not knowing what she will say, if she even will say anything at all. I do not wait long. She has tears pooling in her eyes and throws her arms around my neck, jumping up and wrapping her legs around my waist. “I need you, too. I’m
so
sorry.”

I kiss her passionately and with such fervor. “I am the one that is sorry. I was stupid, Ren. I want you to know…”

She quickly interrupts me as she places her forefinger over my lips, “Ssh, I know everything. I know why you did it. I know you started out to protect your dad.”

I have no words to say. Breathless. I smile as my heart opens itself even more to her.

I start walking with her still in my arms. I swing her around to my back and give her a piggyback ride as we make our way through the crowds of people. I tell her, “Hold on. I want to take you for a walk on the beach. I promise I’ll bring you back so we can finish the night celebrating you, but ‘I need you now’.”

Ren rests her head against mine, and says, “I need you to need me now.”

On our way, we pass numerous people. Jade and Debi are smiling at us. At one point, I even think I hear one of them yell, “Way to go Stefan!” Some others are high-fiving me, and hooting or hollering to acknowledge similar approval. I tug her legs tighter and stride off proudly with
my girl
on my back, her legs around my waist, and love for her in my heart.

We get further down the beach, and I let her slide down my back. She comes around to face me and I take both of her hands in mine. “Let’s walk,” and together, we start strolling, swinging hands and just freely talking.

After a while, I tell her, “I wished for you on every shooting star when I was little. Now, if I gathered all of the stars I wished for you on, none could ever shine brighter than you. You are my shooting star, Ren. You are here with me walking this beach. I may have fucked up, but I swear to you, to God, and every single star in this sky, I will never give you up!”

She tugs my hand back, forcing me to stop with her. At this time, she places the palms of her hands upon both of my cheeks, and leans up to kiss me. I kiss her back, allowing our hearts true happiness.

Ren says, “I wanted to stay mad at you. I wanted to hate you for all of the reasons why you lied and deceived me. I felt so betrayed. Then, after dad spilled the truth, and told me everything, I realized something. My best friend is no longer here. I can’t bring her back ever! I would give anything to have her here again, if only to be mad at her. I can’t. The truth of that stings me more than I will ever be able to say. There are no words. The day I saw you in the cemetery was the first time I was there to visit her.”

She takes a few quick shallow breaths, clears her throat, and then goes on, “I was not expecting to run into you at Bradford’s office, let alone in the cemetery that same day. I sure as heck was not planning to ever see you again. Fate had other plans, I guess. When we saw each other again at the party, my heart was pounding out of my chest. I prayed you would never see it. I tried to remain poised. As time passed, I realized no matter how much I tried to keep you at bay, as my soul was slowly healing, my heart found its own way, straight to you. I even tried to force myself to stay away from you after that night at the beach, but the words on Elle’s headstone kept constantly ringing in my head,

‘Do believe I'll never leave you,

Always you will be in my heart.

Don't forget my soul is near you.

So we will never be apart’”

Ren pauses. I can noticeably tell she is trying to breathe herself through this.

Finally, she gently squeezes my hands, and says, “I also realized something else. I can understand and respect your reasons for wanting and needing to protect your dad. I also understand that by you losing your mom, you feel like your dad is all you have left. Like me, you can’t lose someone else you love. I get it now. I really do.”