Shameless (39 page)

John reached across the cushions and grabbed her hand. He rose, pulling her beside him. He cocked his head toward the French doors. “Come on.”

The air outside was still warm, the sun hanging low but bright in the sky. They descended the deck and crossed the lawn. Sunlight gave way to the shade of a towering maple tree as they wove through a maze of rhododendrons, ferns and hostas. A smooth-pebble path meandered through the shrubs, creating a pleasant crunching sound with every footfall, leading them to the old-fashioned hammock strung between the maple and a tree heavy with green apples.

John turned his back to the hammock as they approached and his eyes twinkled. “I’ve never got into one of these with a pregnant woman before, so we might flip over the other side.”

Sam grinned. “Okay, I’ve been warned.”

After climbing into the woven contraption, he held his hand to her, one of his feet anchored to the ground for balance. She carefully lowered herself into the hammock. It swayed dangerously and she prepared to fall, but suddenly she lay curled against John’s side, his arm secure around her.

She stared up at the mingling branches of maple and apple trees.

“How on earth did we manage that without falling on our butts?” she asked with a giggle.

He chuckled. “I have no idea.”

She cuddled closer to him and closed her eyes, letting the gentle sway of the hammock and the cool breeze through the trees soothe her. The tension that had held her hostage throughout dinner slowly crept away and serenity took its place. John’s hand grazed her arm in a rhythmic motion. How could she ever let him go?

She repressed a sigh and stared at the leaves. “Aren’t you afraid you’re going to get bonked on the head by an apple out here?”

His deep laughter shook the hammock. “Brian and I didn’t think about that when we strung this out. It just seemed the perfect spot.”

A croaking bullfrog serenaded them from somewhere near the maple tree. A cool breeze flitted across their bodies, rustling the leaves above and bringing out goosebumps on Sam’s arms. John pulled her closer, as if sensing her chill.

“John?” she asked after a while.

“Hmm?” he murmured into her hair.

“Tell me about your marriages. Why they ended. I mean, I know the first one was because you were both so young, but the second one… you never really said what happened.”

His body tensed beside her and she pictured his clenched jaw and the firm line of his mouth. “It was the whole issue of wanting children, remember?”

“You’ve said that, but—” She turned and peered at him. Although his expression was hard, pain filled his eyes. “Did you love her?”

“I thought I did. But love is so much more than lust and attraction. It’s about honesty and friendship and trust. It’s about commitment. Maybe because my parents had such a dysfunctional relationship, I just didn’t understand all that. When I was younger, if I was wildly attracted to someone, I assumed it was love. I was looking for something special, but didn’t know how to recognize it.” He sighed. “Until you see and experience true love, you can’t really know what it looks like, what it
feels
like. So you make mistakes. Most people have the brain cells to learn from their mistakes the first time. I didn’t. Took me a few times, unfortunately.” He batted at a branch and they both watched the leaves quiver and shake.

She rubbed her hand along his arm that held her. “Did you leave or did they?”

After a long moment, he said, “They did.”

“Because you wouldn’t change your mind about wanting kids?”

“Yes.” His jaw pulsed.

“Did you try to stop them?”

“What would have been the point? They deserved to have what they wanted. I couldn’t give that to them.”

“But didn’t they know how you felt about kids when they married you?”

He nodded, glancing away. “I was very upfront.”

She snuggled back into his arms. “That really stinks, John.
You
deserved better, not the other way around.”

“What do you mean?”

She twisted in his arms again, meeting his gaze. “If they’d truly loved you, they’d have stuck by you. They wouldn’t have given up on you.”

John kissed the tip of her nose, settling her back against his side. “Thanks for that, but in defense of them, of— of Kate—” He coughed once, and Sam wondered if he were trying to cover the slight catch she’d heard in his voice.

“What?” she prodded.

She felt the shake of his head by the way his chin rubbed against her hair.

“John.” She turned in his arms. “Something wonderful and magical has happened between us. We’ve been ignoring it, trying to minimize it in our minds, I think, but we’d be foolish not to acknowledge it now. Especially after today.”

She watched his jaw work for several moments before he spoke, his eyes not meeting hers. “I don’t know that acknowledging it would make a difference. It might just make the situation between us more difficult.”

“Why?”

“Because it won’t change anything.”

“It would for me.”

After a searching look, he glanced away. Batting at the branch again, he waited for it to still before he said, “You don’t know the whole story.”

“Tell me.”

He was silent for so long she thought he wouldn’t answer. “About me and Kate,” he started, and his voice caught. “There was a baby.”

Sam stopped breathing a moment.

“She told me she was on the pill, but she stopped taking it after we’d been married a couple of years. She thought if she got pregnant, I’d eventually come around. That maybe I was all talk about not wanting kids. She knew I’d be upset so she didn’t tell me right away. She waited until she was too far along in the pregnancy to, uh, turn back.”

“How far along was that?”

“Five months. She was tall and hid it well. I guess I just supposed she was gaining weight.”

Sam couldn’t help glancing at her own stomach. She was six months pregnant and there was
no
mistaking her condition for mere weight gain. “What was your reaction when you found out?”

“I was furious. I completely lost it, to tell you the truth. I was mad at her for lying to me. I was mad at her for going against my wishes. But most of all… I was scared to death.”

Sam’s brows furrowed. “Scared?”

“After the accident you and I were involved in, my dad visited me in jail. I’ve told you what a religious fanatic he was, well, he went on and on about how I’d pay for the rest of my life for the death of those little girls. An eye for an eye thing, you know?” His body stiffened beside her. “I knew from that moment on I would never risk having children.”

“Oh, God, John. Because of what your father said to you that night?” She turned in his tight hold to peer up at him.

He turned away. “I know it sounds stupid. I mean, it’s not like I expect the hand of God to strike down any kids I might have, but… I do believe what goes around comes around. I can’t take the chance my father was right.”

Sam closed her eyes, seeing the scared little boy he’d been when his father had spouted off his dire prediction. Almost afraid to hear the answer, she asked, “What happened with Kate?”

His deep breath pressed against her side. “I left. I had to get myself together, to come to grips with the situation. I planned to come back, I swear I did. But when I’d been gone about a week, I got a call from Kate’s sister. She told me Kate was in the hospital and had miscarried.”

“Oh, John. At five months?”

Again she felt his nod. “I rushed to the hospital and had to force her family to let me see her. She looked so pale in that bed. And so much hate filled her eyes. I hadn’t wanted that baby and now it was dead. She said it was my fault.”

Sam’s teeth clenched in anger toward this woman she’d never met. Losing a baby must be heart wrenching, but to blame your husband? “You blamed yourself, too, didn’t you? You thought your dad was right.” He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. “It was just a horrible coincidence, John.”

“But what if it wasn’t? That’s what I can’t get beyond.
What if it wasn’t
?” His breathing shook. “And I can’t let you take that chance with this baby.” He slid his hand to her belly. The baby rolled beneath his touch.

Was he right? Was there some “higher force” at work here? She could see how John might think so, but did she? She pondered that awhile. She knew he waited for her to say something. “If all those… bad things had never happened, what would you want to do now? With me, I mean?”

It hurt to even think that way. John rubbed his hand rubbed over her belly button. “I wouldn’t want to let you go again. I know that for certain. But—but those things did happen and I—”

She turned in his arms and the hammock swayed. Her expression was tender in the muted light. “John. Think of all the good things you’ve done with your life. Think of Brian. You told me yourself he’s becoming like a son to you. He’s done a three-sixty since coming to live with you. That should tell you something.”

Brian’s grinning face flashed through John’s mind and he couldn’t help smiling. Briefly. He shoved his free hand through his hair. “God. It’s all so complicated. I’ve come to really—”
love you
, he thought, “—care about you and can’t stand the thought of losing you, but I also can’t—” The image of him holding their child flashed in his mind, cutting off his words. A part of him froze in fear at the thought, but another part of him, maybe even a slightly bigger part, warmed to the toes. He blew out a loud breath. “I don’t know where to go from here. I’m… afraid to go on from here.”

His simple confession brought tears to Sam’s eyes. “Let’s just sit on this conversation for a while,” she said.

He pulled her close and the hammock swayed back and forth. Back and forth.

Chapter 22

“Ready… go,” the instructor said, clicking the stopwatch. Immediately, the women in the room began a rhythmic puffing, “
Hee hee, whoo. Hee hee, whoo
,” while their birth partners sat behind them and rubbed their shoulders or bellies.

Sam lay on her side, while Nina Garrett kneaded the small of her back with her knuckles. “That’s great, Sam,” she said. “You sound just like a pro.”

“Okay, contraction’s over,” said their instructor, Maggie. “Everyone relax.”

A bunch of groans and moans murmured, as the women in various late stages of pregnancy sat up and tried to make themselves more comfortable. Pushing herself into a seated position, Sam glanced around the room. Some of the mothers-to-be looked ready to give birth any second. That led her to thinking about her upcoming labor, and butterflies flitted through her belly. Could she do it? How bad would it hurt? Would she really forget the pain when it was over?

She shifted her position again and glanced at her friend. “Be honest, Nina. Does any of this really help?”

Nina smirked. “Well… let’s just say it doesn’t make it any worse. I have just one word for you.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Epidural.”

After class as they walked to Sam’s car, Nina said, “You know, I kind of thought you’d ask John to be your coach.”

John’s image drifted into Sam’s mind and she sighed. For so long now she’d been content to live her life as a single woman, planning to raise this child alone, certain she was enough for both mommy and daddy. She had enough good friends so she wouldn’t feel lonely. She didn’t need a man to fulfill some old-fashioned sense of family. But these days whenever she thought of the future, she thought of John. When she pictured this baby growing up, taking its first steps, John was there. At the child’s first day of school, John was there. In her mind, he was there in every step of her child’s future. What did that tell her?

“Sam?” Nina stared at her from over the hood of her VW. “A little preoccupied with something, are we?”

Sam unlocked her car and they climbed inside. “What do you mean?”

“After I mentioned John’s name back there, you didn’t say a word the whole rest of the way to your car.”

Her friend was too astute. Sam sighed. “Sorry. We had an, ah, interesting conversation last weekend. I keep thinking about it.”

“What was the conversation about?”

God, how she wished she could tell Nina everything she and John had discussed. She’d love to run John’s “theory” past her oh-so-logical friend. But she couldn’t. It was between her and John alone. “We… were trying to decide if things could work between us. If a relationship is doable.”

Nina swiveled in her seat to stare. “Seriously?” At Sam’s nod, she said, “Oh, my.” She cleared her throat. “And what conclusion did you two reach?”

“We haven’t. We’re stepping back for a while to think about it.”

“I didn’t think he wanted kids.”

“He doesn’t.” Although, from what he’d told her last week, “wanting” kids wasn’t his problem. Traffic started trudging forward.

Nina pursed her lips. “I didn’t think he wanted to marry again.”

“He doesn’t. Or, he didn’t. We didn’t actually get that far in our talk.”

“And you. I’ve been listening to your soap box for years about how you
love
being single and want to raise a child by yourself with no help from a man, and—”