Shampoo (11 page)

Evvy has soccer tonight.

The bastard.

6.53pm

Oh my god, so he calls. And it was
AWFUL.

I can’t believe I’m wasting body liquid on him
by crying.

He has hurt me FOR THE LAST TIME.

“
I never wanted a relationship,” he
began.

(terrible beginning. Terrible, terrible
beginning)

“
OH HERE WE GO – ”

“
I told you I didn’t from the
beginning – ”

“
Did you?? Did you
really??”

“
UGH, YES I DID!!”

“
Whatever, Evvy – ”

“
WHATEVER, WOMAN!!” Pause. “I just
don’t want to have to rush over and kiss you!!”

(pull the knife out of my heart
NOW!!)

“
You’re right, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE
TO. You should WANT TO!!!”

“
There’s no talking to you, woman.
There’s nothing I can say or do.”

“
Yes, THERE IS.”

“
No, THERE’S NOT.”

“
Trust me, there is
PLENTY!!”

Silence.

“
Bye Everard!!” Another slam the
phone down moment.

I hate him!!

I hate myself for caring.

9.32pm

So tired but can’t sleep. Keep thinking I’m
never gonna see Ever again and getting all sad.

I am so stupid.

Wednesday 26 July 2000

12.22pm

Not at work today. Renee tried to send me home
yesterday but I stubbornly refused to leave.

I have no other guys around at the moment. Evvy
gone, Nick stopped calling.

And Matt Johnson will never ask me
out.

All I wanted was Ever. Stupid, sexy
Everard.

Laying in bed, watching all the romance on Days
of Our Lives, is making me even sadder.

5.28pm

Renee rang at 4.30pm and told me I’m not coming
into work tomorrow.

My workplace is SO ass backwards.

Nat rang from work, too, all upset over
Dan

(if he’s anything like Evvy, I get it
now),

and we talked about getting a house
together.

I hate hearing her upset. My heart breaks. Just
want my sister to be happy.

I love living on my own, but since I’ve lived
with Nat my whole life, she’s the only one I could ever live
with.

She seemed so happy I said I’d move out with
her! I love when she’s happy. I don’t think she’s truly been happy
in a long time.

That just crushes me.

Speaking of crushed, and broken hearts, I think
I’m dying of one.

I really don’t want tomorrow off work. It’s so
hard to be alone all day and not have my mind kept off
everything.

I think about him all the time with nothing to
distract me.

6.34pm

OH MY GOD, EVVY RANG!!!

And said he’s coming over.

I can’t believe it!!

Why is he coming over??

Oh god, I look like shit!!!

9.04pm

I am so not going to cry. I feel numb
anyway!

So he arrived, looking his usual HOT, and
mucking around and joking with me, like he always does. Then I just
died on my bed, I am so sick, and Ever jumped into bed with me, and
we just started arguing straight away!

“
I just want something a bit more
real THAN THIS – ” I said.

And he said he doesn’t want a girlfriend cause
of his LAST girlfriend

(his imaginary one???),

and because of couples like Nat and Dan and
Josie and Mark, and how I’m so much like Nat!!

(what!!!)

“
Just tell me you don’t care then,
Evvy, and be done with it! So we can end this!!”

“
The decision is up to you whether
we end this, cause I’M NOT ENDING IT!!”

“
Well I’m not ending it
EITHER!!”

“
Neither am I!”

“
Oh dear God, just ONE OF US end
it!!” I moaned.

“
So you want to end it?”

“
No!” I cried. “But I can’t go on
like this either!”

And he just got up and left then!!

Just hopped out of bed and stomped to my
(locked) door. He turned to me, demanded, “Let me out,
woman,”

(I’ll let him out, alright!!)

so I sighed, got up, unlocked the door while he
glared at me, then stupidly followed him out to his car.

(one of us is a gentleman)

Then we started going over the same things all
over again by his car.

I begged again, “Just tell me you don’t
care!”

“
No.”

“
It’ll be SO MUCH EASIER –
”

“
Well it won’t be true!”

I sighed. “Let’s take a break for a few weeks.
Work out what we want. If you’re still thinking of me in a few
weeks, maybe it’ll work.” I don’t know what I was saying. I was
just exhausted and done.

“
I’ll get over you,” he then said,
CRUELLY.

“
What?” I said in an ominous, I want
to kill you voice.

“
I’ll still be thinking of you, but
I’ll get over it.”

I was crushed by his words. “I can’t go on like
this.”

“
Look, I just hate being told what
to do! Like having to kiss you Saturday night.”

I shook my head at him, watching him in the
dark, thinking I just wanted to be in his arms. “It should come
naturally, if you cared about me or wanted me. You’d just WANT to
kiss me. No matter who’s around.”

Ever just gave me an insolent shrug. But he was
still standing there.

“
Why can’t you do this stuff? The
basics?”

“
I don’t…know.” His voice caught,
and when it did, it caught my heart.

He looked sad. Devastated, actually.

(I was his mirror image, I’m sure)

“
Can I give you a kiss goodnight?”
he asked. Dreamily.

But I couldn’t bear it in that moment. Couldn’t
bear his touch, his kiss, if he didn’t love me enough, or in the
way I needed.

I shook my head no.

We stood, facing each other, my arms wrapped
around myself, near his car out the back of my place.

“
Go inside,” Ever suddenly said, his
voice that of a boyfriend again. I crave that tone he gets about
him.

“
No,” I stubbornly replied. Just
because.

“
Go inside, woman.”

“
Why?” I whispered
brokenly.

“
Because I can’t walk away from
you.”

I wiped a tear then, and stared at the
ground.

“
I can’t walk away from you. Go
inside.”

“
I don’t want to – ”

“
I CAN’T WALK AWAY FROM YOU!” he
suddenly cried, his voice breaking.

My heart exploded, at his tone, his voice, the
love coming from it. The heartbreak.

“
I can’t walk away from you
either!!” I cried back, the tears coming now.

Ever grabbed me then, pulled me to him, crushed
me against him. “I can’t make this decision,” I said, muffled
against his shirt.

And he dropped his arms from me, turned and
stalked to the driver’s side. He started his V8 engine with a roar,
and peeled away.

I stood there and watched him, till his
taillights were gone.

I wanted him to see me when he looked in his
rearview mirror.

I wanted him to see, and feel, deep in his
heart, what he’d left behind.

Thursday 27 July 2000

12.20pm

Dying of a broken heart, and
boredom.

Not sure which is worse.

Got no more ‘Dawson’s’ episodes to watch. Too
sad to read. Just lying here, wallowing.

Like some pink pig in mud.

Renee better let me come to work tomorrow. I’ll
die if I have to endure another day at home like this.

God, I’m so in love with Evvy. Or something
with him.

Why do other girls, everybody I know, get
partners, but I can’t get Evvy.

8.41pm

I want Evvy TORN UP over me.
Devastated!!!

I want him so in love with me he can’t stand
it.

Friday 28 July 2000

2.57pm

Ugh. Dying. Physically and
emotionally.

7.48pm

Oh. My. God. Evvy just called me. I’m in
shock.

He goes, “Hey woman!” like nothing whatsoever
has happened.

“
Er…hi. I guess.”

“
Your idea for a break was a good
one. Let’s do it.”

Took me a moment to realize he was meaning my
offhand comment the other night. I replied with, “I never thought
I’d hear from you again.”

“
I know. I heard.”

(Nat and Dan??)

“
So is that okay,” he prompted,
sounding in a hurry to get off the phone.

What do I say to that?? Is it better to just be
over now?? Am I just gonna drown in hope for three weeks then be
brutally crushed again?? What do I do or say??

“
So you’re gonna call me in three
weeks??”

“
Yes.”

Pause by me. “You know it’s going to be that
much harder for me in three weeks when you call and say you can’t
do it– ”

“
That’s it, I don’t want to talk
about it!! I’ll call you in three weeks.”

I better be damn unforgettable. Every time he
sees something pink, he better think of me. Every time he sees his
best mates, Nat and Dan, he better think of the ‘twin’ he left
behind.

I don’t wanna be forgettable.

11.02pm

It was Josie that told Evvy off. Dan rang and
said Josie gave Ever such a revving, in front of everyone, they all
went speechless. Apparently she kicked his ass for losing
me!!!

God I’m so in love with Josie right now. If
only I were a lesbian.

Rich rang!! He finally told me when he’ll be
back. I can’t wait!! We’re going to have so much fun together! To
have him back is going to mean everything. I’ll have someone to go
to the movies with, down the coast with. We’ll have drunken nights
on his parents’ back porch again, like we used to.

We’ve been discussing all the things we’ll
do.

I love him, I truly do. Not in a jump in bed or
I’ll die of passion way, but in a true way. I just love him. Like
family.

It’s raining, and this place has a tin roof.
Sounds so magical.

Saturday 29 July 2000

7.00pm

Think I narrowly missed killing myself last
night.

(who knew it could be that easy?? My last
ACTUAL suicide attempt, the one Dad has never forgiven me for and
didn’t talk to me for six months over – ON YA FAMILY, FOR THE
SUPPORT! - was very complicated and painful and involved me being
forced to drink tar then vomiting black tar everywhere for hours.
Apparently liquid codeine is the go. Mental note for next time.
KIDDING!!!! If I can’t joke here, where can I joke??)

I slept from last night till 3pm today, and I
only woke up cause Nat arrived.

It was midnight and I couldn’t sleep from
coughing, and instead of measuring the dose, I just grabbed it from
the bedside table and took a swig.

Then passed out for fifteen hours.

Today, after Nat woke me

(going, “You look like shit!!” Oh thank you,
dear sis),

I checked the bottle, and I’d gulped half of
it!!!

Dan and the boys and my new idol, Josie, are
going into the city tonight. I am so jealous!! I want to be out
having fun.

Nat’s going to the drive-in tonight, and I was
supposed to go, but I couldn’t get out of bed if I
tried.

Sunday 30 August 2000

4.40pm

Feeling better today.

I went to lunch with Dad and Cruz at The
Colmslie

(think they were feeling sorry for their
retarded daughter, and decided to take me out to ease their
guilt),

then did all my washing at Dad’s in his sad
little (that I secretly love) twin tub from 1950, which means
standing over it and handwashing everything. It took me
forever.