Shampoo (2 page)

Ben Wilson (Benny), almost the romantic hero??
Still time, still time! I’ll just make this shit up for the sequel!
All of my best memories at work involve you, Benny. You were the
one to pick me up off the floor 500 times. Let’s make it 500 more
times!!! I love and miss our friendship.

Everyone at ‘Sin’ rocked my world. It was such
fun, wasn’t it??

To Judi Seeley…you said something once to me on
Facebook, and it really struck home. It meant the world to me. You
said that I am a perfect mix of tragedy and comedy, and BOY, I felt
that in the heart, in the most beautiful way. You seemed to see who
I really am, and I went into writing Shampoo, after reading my
diaries, thinking you summed it up perfectly. This is who I am – a
tragic comedy. I hope Shampoo has achieved that. Thank you, Judi. I
love you and Rob.

I’d like to thank My Issues. I carry them
around daily, like Christmas chains, “I wear the chains I forged in
life,” a constant burden, affecting all I do and say and feel. I
work hard on these issues. I try to overcome them. Without them
though, there would be no Shampoo. There would be no me. Some of
the greatest artists of this world are only great BECAUSE of their
fragility, their deep pain, their suffering. Without pain, without
emotions, there is no art. Thank you, Crippling Issues. You’ve made
me who I am today. Now please help me write another book. Please
help me be one of the greats. You may as well be useful while
you’re hanging around.

For all the fragile bunnies out there: this is
not it. Life is still about to bring you joy and everything you
ever wanted. Don’t give up. In your darkest hour, please know there
are people who love you and need you, and that THIS IS NOT IT. Life
has not even BEGUN to show you her joys and magic. This book is for
you. I hope it brings you strength and laughter. I hope it brings
you comfort, that someone else has been on the floor, writhing in
pain, before you. And there will be others after you. We are all in
this together. And buy a Holden Commodore and have a love affair
with a car. It helps!!

And finally, to Rich Figgins. Where to start.
This isn’t our story, yet you’re in it. You were a part of my life
for 20 years…you’re on almost every page of my diaries, for
decades. I loved you with all my heart. Or maybe I didn’t, I was
scared, and that was the problem. I’d give anything to have another
chance, to love you how I am today, and not who I was yesterday.
Maybe you would still be here then. Or maybe it wouldn’t have made
a bit of difference. What I do know is that you are gone too soon.
You will always be missed. One day I might have the guts to write
our story. The tragedy is, you’ll never get to read it.

And that is unbearable to me.

Shampoo will have to do. For now.

“
Matt, how would you
describe Karina, using one word beginning with…B.”

He didn’t even hesitate. Those intense
blue eyes of his met mine as we faced each other, and he said,
“Brave.”

We were handcuffed to each
other.

That was the beginning.

My return to Sin after back surgery
(after falling down the freshly waxed stairs at work), my return to
life again, after six months of isolation and being stuck in my
tiny apartment.

And after the world’s worst birthday
ever.

And that was the beginning of my heart
giving off a little bleep once again, just at Matt’s words and the
way he looked at me (the way we were attached to each other for
hours), in our team building session.

That was the beginning.

The ending? That’s a different story
altogether.

Sunday 14 May 2000

2.52pm

Diary, I had the best fucking time last
night!

Dad drove me, Nat and Dan into the city last
night, telling his daughters and his daughter’s boyfriend to, “Be
careful, and don’t wake me up when you stumble home,
pissed!”

“
Yes, Daddy dearest,” we laughed,
slamming the car door behind us. We walked into Mary St, me high on
life and FINALLY going out again, after so long at home, in my tiny
unit, broken. (inside and out)

I could feel it in the air. Something magical.
Something fun.

We sat around upstairs drinking $2 pink
daiquiris (bargain!!), before Everard, Mark, Josie, Tom, Ben, Hoffy
and Gibbo arrived. Evvy (apparently Everard is called Evvy or Ever
by all – it’s his last name) went straight to the bar, and bought
me another strawberry daiquiri, and brought it over to
me.

Dan had informed me that after his
twenty-first, Evvy was keen on me, and wanted to ask me on a date.
(Sweet!!)

I think he was considering this group night out
our first date. He kept talking to me, and sticking by me, and
buying me drinks, and just generally being sweet.

Was just a bit of fun, really, something
exciting for the night. Plus he IS really hot. He looks just like
Mark from Blink 182.

So hot!!

As the night wore on, and we were all dancing
and generally mucking around, Evvy, Tom and Hoffy wanted us girls
to go to Fridays; meanwhile, Dan, Michael and Gibbo had been
missing for ages, we had no idea where they’d gone.

So Nat and I were like no, we don’t want to go
(we also only had like $12 between us, and Fridays has a cover
charge of $8), so the boys ended up grabbing us and dragging us out
of Mary St (onto Mary Street), and Nat and I thought we’d be funny,
and escaped them, squealing and laughing and running in our heels,
and ducked into The Victory to try to hide from them.

We were upstairs, dancing, when I saw Evvy
stalk past the open doorway, do a double take, and duck in and
stride towards us. He was already pointing at us and going, “You.
You’re coming with us!” Tom followed him, grabbing Nat, and Evvy
grabbed me.

Evvy was acting all manly and stern, pretending
he was like some law enforcer or something. He was all, “Right.
Come with me now, woman, keep going, no, keep going,” while his
arms were around me and IT WAS SERIOUSLY HOT!!!

He has this fun air about him. I love it. He
cracks me up. (Already. After like one night)

Nat and I couldn’t stop laughing at them
dragging us out. Nat kept laughing, then screaming, “Fuck off, Tom,
YOU BIG KNOB!!” and “DON’T TOUCH ME THERE, YOU FREAK,” but she was
seriously cacking it.

We were both doubled over laughing while the
boys dragged us down towards City Rowers and Fridays. So they
marched us to the lights, and to the left is Fridays, the right,
City Rowers. So when the boys (having just let us go) went left,
Nat and I were like, “Quick! Quick!” to each other, and started
running to the right, still finding this incredibly funny (it
seriously was HYSTERICAL), and the boys started yelling after us,
“Where are you two GOING??”

“
Okay okay okay, we should be
serious,” Nat declared, slowing down.

“
Why?” I laughed. “This is so much
fun!”

(oh man, I was still cacking it)

So we agreed to turn around and walk back
towards the boys, to loud cheers from them. Hoffy and Gibbo were
back with us by this stage, so they were all cheering and going,
“Finally! You princesses are hard work.”

(whatever)

Then Evvy suddenly parked us on the street
outside Fridays, and held my shoulders, made me look into his eyes,
and kept saying, “Now stay here. Got it? Bloody STAY
HERE.”

I was all, “Yes, Master!” and saluting him, to
much hysterics from Nat and I again.

“
Is this what having a girlfriend is
like?” Evvy pondered. “Cause if it is, I’m not sure I can handle
it.”

“
This is what having an Almeroth
sister as a girlfriend is like,” Tom replied. Nat kicked him. Like
right up the ass.

“
I’m serious here, you girls STAY
HERE.” And Ever was off, double checking, walking backwards,
pointing right at me, and yelling out, “Stay there!!”

Nat and I stood there, all serious like, till
they were out of sight, then we grabbed each other and spluttered,
“Quick!! Let’s run!” and we were madly running away in our heels,
pissing ourselves laughing.

In hindsight, Evvy was actually searching for
Nat’s missing boyfriend, and trying very hard not to lose two
extremely drunk girls also.

Awww.

(we didn’t care, but awww)

We headed back to ‘our’ place – Mary St. We are
Mary St girls.

You can take the girl out of Mary St, but you
can’t take Mary St out of the girl.

Eventually the boys found us, with Dan finally
recovered (like a lost dog, he is), and Evvy grabbed me again, and
said, “Come walk with me, woman.”

(I love how he calls me ‘woman’ already, like
it’s his thing for me)

“
Where are you taking me?” I asked,
funnily enough, after everything I’ve gone through with guys, not
worried at all about wandering the city at midnight with a guy I’d
met just once before at Dan’s birthday.

“
On a romantic walk.”

I felt safe. This was a nice guy. Very out of
character for me, attracting a nice one for once.

It felt delicious.

“
I seriously have to piss,” Ever
suddenly announced, looking around. He was still holding onto
me.

“
Charming!”

“
No, I mean, LIKE REALLY, I’ve been
rounding up you lot all night, and I’m busting. I’m just gonna go
over here and take a leak.”

(romantic walk, my ass!!)

I turned my back as he weed against a store
front. “This is so gross on so many levels…” I trailed off as I
watched a police car pull up to the kerb, and do it’s little ‘bleep
bleep’.

“
Oh you have to be kidding me!” Ever
near shouted.

The two cops were out the car and upon him in
seconds. “You know it’s an offence to urinate in public, against a
store front?” one of the cops said.

“
Please cease that urinating now, or
you’re under arrest.”

“
I seriously CAN’T, I’m BUSTING –
”

“
That’s it, put your hands behind
your back, buddy –”

This is where I seriously started pissing
myself laughing. It was too funny. Ever was seriously still pissing
as he was being handcuffed.

“
I’m on a date here, fellas, I’ve
gotta make sure she gets home, she’s DRUNK –”

“
Great date you’ve taken her on,
pissing against a building,” one of the cops said as the other
slapped the handcuffs on him. I laughed harder. Had to put my hands
on my knees, and bend over, my stomach hurt so much.

“
See, she’s HYSTERICAL, she’s that
drunk, she needs me to look after her –”

They were leading him to the police car. “Bail
me out, woman –”

“
You give me YOUR money, and I will,
HAHAHAHAHAHA –”

That is when I tripped in my heels, stumbled
forward, and slammed into the back of the cop NOT marching Evvy to
the car.

Ever started pissing himself
laughing.

Long story short, the cop thought I’d shoved
him, and handcuffed my hands behind my back, too.

I kept screaming, “I TRIPPED, I TELL YA!! I
FUCKING TRIPPED!!” while Ever just laughed and laughed.

We seriously could not stop laughing in the
back of the police car, all the way to the city station.

“
No, stop, stop, this really ISN’T
FUNNY,” I’d splutter, but we just kept laughing and
laughing.

“
Evvy,” I gasped at one stage. “Your
zipper’s still undone BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA –”

“
Yeah, I know, but I can’t do it
back up with my hands handcuffed behind my back – ”

Oh God. We were in fits.

Even the cops were laughing at us by this
stage.

The cell doors were slammed behind
us.

“
Thanks for getting me arrested,
woman – ”

“
Oh, ME? You’re the one that got ME
arrested!! All I did was fall over my own feet – ”

“
Yeah, but you tackling that cop got
us REALLY arrested– ”

“
I fucking TRIPPED – ”

“
Ha ha. Hahaha. That was so fucking
funny.”

“
Great ‘first date,’
Evvy.”

“
Best first date EVER.”

The cop informed us (eventually) that it was
$500 bail EACH to free ourselves.

Then he asked for my phone number.

Ever was all, “Hello! We’re on a first date
here!”

The cop rolled his eyes. “Good time you’re
showing her, mate – ”