Shattered Bonds: Book Seven of Wicked Play (25 page)

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Noah stepped through the doorway marked Dr. Cass Coleman and froze. He did a double take, backed up to check the name plaque to ensure he was in the right place. The deep chuckle from the room had him proceeding with caution.

The doctor was standing behind a large wood desk, hand extended in greeting. “Noah. Good to see you.”

His handshake was performed more out of habit than conscious thought. He was still adjusting to the fact that the therapist Deklan had recommended was better known as Master C at The Den. With a liberal amount of gray hair covering his darker strands and a thin face that matched his lanky build, the man appeared scholarly behind his black-rimmed glasses, neat tie and tweed jacket.

“Dr. Coleman,” Noah said, keeping it formal.

“Please, call me Cass if that works for you.” The doctor sat down in the leather executive chair and motioned for Noah to have a seat. The visitor chair was cushioned, the wooden arms providing a place for him to rest his elbows. “How are you doing?”

Noah analyzed the question to decipher if there was an innuendo in it. “Fine.”

“It’s been a rough month,” Cass said. “A lot of upheaval and rotten stuff to deal with.” A slow nod was all Noah could give in response. “I hear Jake is home. That’s good. And Seth and Deklan’s partners are doing better.”

Noah narrowed his eyes.

“I see we need to discuss if this arrangement will work for you.”

“How so?”

“You knowing me outside of this room. As a Dom.” The doctor leaned in, forearms crossed on the desk. “I want you to be comfortable discussing whatever it is you need to. If our association prevents that, I can refer you to another therapist.”

He studied the man for several moments. Apprehension prickled over his nape, but was it because of the man or the topic he was here to discuss? He could use this as an excuse to bail right now, and no one would call him on it. No one but himself.

“I think we’re good,” he finally answered. “It’s all confidential, I assume.”

“One hundred percent.” Cass took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose before slipping them back on. “Damn glasses are new. Sorry. Let’s sit over there and talk if you’re comfortable with that.” He motioned toward a sitting area with a couch and two matching chairs. They all looked cushy and welcoming, which repelled Noah for some reason.

“Here’s good,” he said. The nice desk in between them gave him space. It also made it more formal. A business discussion was something he could do.

“All right.” Cass pulled out a notepad and scribbled something down. That right there would drive Noah nuts, wondering what the man was noting.

“Could you not do that?”

The doctor looked up, and Noah nodded toward the pad of paper. Cass set his pen down and leaned back in the chair. “Will you allow me to record our session then, so I can take notes later?”

“I’d prefer not. Recordings can be copied.”

“Let’s get to what brings you here.” Cass dropped the topic so smoothly, that Noah questioned the man’s motives. What in the hell
was
he doing here?

The silence stretched between them until he fisted his hands to resist fidgeting. He’d stared down opponents in longer battles of wills and won. However, this wasn’t a battle he’d come to win. It wasn’t even supposed to be scrimmage.

“I thought you would’ve heard the rumors about my past,” Noah finally said, the words clipped like his tone.

Cass rested his arms on the desk. “I don’t believe in listening to rumors. They’re usually full of lies and assumptions. Why don’t you tell me what you think I’d have heard?”

A half smile cracked Noah’s lips and he gave the man a nod of respect. If he wanted Liv, he needed to trust someone besides her with his fucked-up past. He thought of the text he’d received from her on the way here. The simplicity and sense of normalcy in it had him wanting more of that. More of her. Seeing her all week and not touching, not knowing how her day went, who she’d helped that day, what her plans were, when she was coming home—it killed him a little each time.

He hung his head. The checkered pattern on the industrial carpeting held his attention as he randomly grouped and counted the squares. The action cleared his mind and allowed him to lock his emotions behind the vaulted door in his chest. He wouldn’t get through this if he broke down.

When he lifted his head, Cass was quietly waiting, face blank until he arched a brow. The silent question almost pulled a snort from him. It was so Dom-like.

Noah crossed his arms over his chest, fortified his heart and began his tale. The monotone recap of his sordid past was told without interruption. There were no gasps or grunts or even alterations in facial expressions. The doctor simply listened to everything Noah had to say. From his parents’ death in his early twenties, which led to discovering BDSM, to Beth, their relationship and finally her death. He was sweating by the time he was done, moisture laminating his shirt to his back and underarms.

His gaze found the carpet again when he ran out of words. The patterns blurred this time until he blinked them back into focus. Inside, he was gutted. His heart didn’t race and his stomach wasn’t doing flips. Instead it was almost like he was back to a purged, clean shell.

“Okay.” The chair whined, and Noah sensed the man moving. “Now tell me what that has to do with why you’re here today.”

He jerked his head up, brows lowered. “Because of all of that,” he spat out. Wasn’t that obvious?

Cass gave a shake of his head. “No. That was your past. All of which happened years ago.” He held Noah’s gaze, his brown eyes dark and penetrating behind his glasses. “Something happened to drive you to seek me out.”

That clean void within him suddenly filled with stress and apprehension that twisted from his chest to his gut. He had to swallow before he could speak, and when he did his voice was rough. “Liv happened.”

“Liv?”

His smile was automatic. “Yeah, Liv.” He clasped his hands, his shoulders relaxing from the tense pose he’d unknowingly held. “Vivian Delcour plowed into my life and made me want again.”

“Good.” Cass smiled, crinkles lining his lips in a way that showed he did it a lot. He might be a Dom, but the stoic thing wasn’t his natural personality. “That’s progress.”

“Maybe. If I can get over Beth and move on.”

“By over, you mean what?”

“Over the guilt.”

Cass lifted his chin in a silent move of understanding. “That gives us something to work with.”

The rest of the session was spent probing into Noah’s guilt and the reasoning behind it. Never once was there an accusation or even a sense of it from the therapist, and having him understand the lifestyle took away Noah’s instant defensiveness of his personal choices.

“For our next meeting,” Cass said as he stood, “I want you to think about how you can move past this guilt you have over Beth’s death.”

“I thought you were supposed to tell me how to do that.”

Cass smiled and moved around his desk. “Sorry. I’m helping you with the heavy lifting. It’s up to you to find the how.”

Noah scowled, resentment crashing in before he stifled it. What had he expected? An easy answer? The quick fix that would take away what years couldn’t? Right. Real life didn’t work that way.

He sighed and followed the man to the door, bone weary and ready to crawl into bed and never get out. That didn’t work either. Another thing he knew from experience.

Cass gripped his shoulder. “We’ll get you through this. Is Liv into the lifestyle?”

Noah tensed. “No.”

“Not judging,” Cass said. “Just asking. Gives me a framework.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Only if it is for you.”

They eyed each other until Noah looked away. “It’s not. I don’t think I can go back to that even if I wanted to.”

“Most can’t turn it off that easily.”

Noah nailed him with a hard glare. “Most don’t have their submissive hang themselves in their playroom either.”

“Yes. She did hang herself,” Cass agreed. “You didn’t do that.”

Noah opened his mouth to argue only to snap it closed. He absorbed the point the man made and for the first time tried to let it sink in. He couldn’t remember how many people had said a variation of that same thing, every one ignored by him.

He’d placed the blame solely on his shoulders since he’d walked into their playroom and found her. It was exactly what he’d told Seth not to do over Harcourt. Maybe it was time to listen to what others had been trying to get him to hear for years.

“Tuesday at five then?”

Cass followed the subject change with ease. “I’ll see you then.”

Noah palmed his phone as he left, holding it but not looking at it. A gust of wind rushed around him in a swoosh of sound and force when he stepped outside. He glanced up at the mostly bare branches. The last of the stubborn leaves would be gone after today. The northern flow of air included a briskness that carried the scent of decayed leaves and season’s end.

He inhaled and stopped. The wind battered him, his hair and suit coat ruffling as the weather tried to take him away like it did the leaves. But he was stronger than it. A leaf swirled through the air to plaster against his chest in a splash of yellow and gold. He flicked it away and watched it twist and dance into the sky.

Would he ever be free like that again?

His phone buzzed and he flipped it over to read the text.
Do
you
have
plans
for
Thanksgiving
?

Liv. He ran the tips of his fingers over the screen until the message faded to black. Plans? His only plan for so long had been to get through each day in one piece. Plans implied a future, and he’d stopped thinking of that when Beth died.

But now...

No
, he typed back.
Might
go
to
the
hospital
.

Jake had mentioned something about bringing dinner to the crew there. More mobile now that his pain had subsided, he was hobbling around on crutches, determined to get rid of them as fast as possible even though the doctors had warned him it was a solid three to six months down the road before that would happen.

Noah slammed his car door closed and started the engine, a smile playing across his lips. In an odd way, he was almost content right then. His friends were all recovering, The Den was thriving and the media had scattered to tear apart other people’s lives. Somehow, they had survived.

For the first time in years, he was ready to live.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Liv pulled the SUV into Noah’s short drive, the scent of the boxed-up turkey dinner filling the cab with memories of family and belonging. She’d purposely saved his delivery for last. She gripped the steering wheel too hard, nerves turning her stomach into a squirming rock. This was the first time she’d been back to his house since she’d packed up her things two weeks ago.

Her gaze caught on a man dressed in a worn sweatshirt and dirty jeans as he swung a hoe into the ground near the fence. He pulled it back, moving the dirt before he squatted to dig a bulb out of the bag at his feet and drop it into the hole.

She shut off the car and watched him repeat the action one more time before he turned his head to look at her, still squatting.

Her heart hitched. It was Noah.

The breeze played with his curls, dirt marked his clothes and covered his gloves. His jeans pulled tight across his thighs over mud-encased work boots. He was rumpled, dirty and still sexy as hell. His entire appearance was so out of character that she hadn’t even thought about it being him.
Earthy
was never a description she’d placed on him, but seeing him now, it fit.

When had this change happened? What else had she missed since she’d moved out? Did he even want her here now? The doubts stalled her for a moment and brought back the fears she’d tried to ignore. Could she really do the just-friends thing? For him, she had to try.

He stood, using the hoe as leverage, as she got out of the car.

“Hey,” she called with a wave, glad her voice didn’t show her nerves. “I brought your turkey dinner.” She motioned toward the car, but didn’t get it out.

His smile spread across his unshaven cheeks to release some of the anxiety that had built up in her ride there. “You didn’t have to do that.”

She shoved her fists into the pockets of her winter coat and returned his smile. The grass squished beneath her sneakers, a testament to the rain they’d had earlier that week. At least it wasn’t snowing yet. “I wanted to.”

“Well, thank you then.” He leaned the hoe against the fence and tugged his gloves off.

The scent of freshly turned dirt reached her when she stopped before him. “What are you planting?”

He kicked at the bag of bulbs. The picture showed a bright array of red and yellow blooms. “Lilies. Thought they’d look nice along the fence in the spring.”

They would. “I assumed you had a gardener or lawn crew who did this.” His bark of laughter had her backtracking. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that in a bad way.” A flush warmed her cheeks beneath the chill of the air.

“None taken,” he reassured her with a smile. “I do have someone who takes care of this.” He motioned around the yard then shrugged. “There was a time when I did most of it. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it.” His gaze wandered over the space before he jerked out of his musings with a wan smile. “Do you want to come in?”

Maybe it was the fresh air or the glint of the sun through the afternoon clouds, but his eyes seemed to shine and his face glowed in a way that was again so counter to his usual demeanor that she couldn’t help staring. She ached to haul him in for a hug, to celebrate this man who seemed freer—without her.

The sobering thought had her digging her hands deeper into her pockets. She reminded herself that she wanted this for him. It was a good thing. She looked toward the house with a longing that had her shaking her head at his offer. There were too many memories in there. Good and bad ones.

She spotted a double swing tucked in the corner of the yard and grabbed his hand. “Let’s sit over here and enjoy the last of the nice days before winter hits.”

His hand was warm in hers, and everything inside her screamed at how right it was. He laced his fingers with hers in a move so natural her breath stuttered in her chest. They touched from shoulder to thigh when they sat down, his heat seeming to simmer into her to taunt her with what she couldn’t have. She wanted nothing more than to rest her head on his shoulder and let the day slip away. Maybe the world, too.

“How was your Thanksgiving?” he asked and gave a small kick to set the swing on a slow rock.

“Busy, but good.” She thought of the day that had started at four that morning, glad for the distraction from her warring emotions. “I made a turkey dinner at home before heading to my mom’s for a few hours then spent the afternoon delivering food to everyone.” His small puff of amusement had her looking to him. “What?”

“Who’d you take food to? Besides me.”

She frowned. “I stopped at the hospital with pumpkin rolls. One for the trio and another for the nurse’s station. Then I swung over to the condos to deliver a roll to Jake and Cali and then Kendra and Deklan. Fortunately I caught Rock and Carter there and gave them theirs. They were getting ready to head to the hospital when I left. You should see the food Jake and Cali prepared. They said Marcus and Quinn were meeting them there, so I took the easy way out and asked them to deliver their roll for me. Then I dropped off dinner for some of the center kids.”

She sucked in a breath of air and turned to him. “So why aren’t you going to the hospital for their Thanksgiving celebration? They said you’d declined, but you told me you might go.”

“How many pumpkin rolls did you make?”

She frowned again. “What does it matter?”

He gave a half smile. “Humor me. How many?”

She flicked up her fingers as she counted them off in her head. “Nine.” She rechecked her calculation. “No. Ten. I forgot my dad.”

“Ten.” Noah nodded. “Ten pumpkin rolls. A turkey and I’m assuming the trimmings too.”

“Only mashed potatoes, gravy, bread rolls and green bean casserole. Nothing fancy.”

“When’d you start making the pumpkin rolls?”

She shrugged. “Sunday. They freeze well.”

“I’m sure they do.” His thumb caressed the back of her hand, leaving a trail of tingles that raced through her blood and left every nerve ending acutely aware of him.

“Your roll is in the car,” she managed to say in a normal voice.

“Along with my turkey and potatoes?”

“Don’t forget the green bean casserole,” she joked. “Can’t have turkey without that.”

His chuckle was warm and infectious. She laughed and gave into her earlier desire to rest her head on his shoulder. She might regret it when she was back in her apartment alone, but right now she was tired of resisting him. Tucked away from the world like they were, it was almost possible to forget what stood between them.

“Kendra’s looking really good,” she said to make conversation. Kendra had been released from the hospital on Monday and was staying with Deklan.

“Yeah, she is,” Noah agreed and gave her hand a squeeze. “Have you heard from V?”

“Nope.” Everyone seemed to know about her trip to Michigan to meet Holden’s family. “I’m taking that as a good thing.”

They swung in silence for a while, the gentle sway a soothing calm to the hectic day. Or maybe it was being with Noah that relaxed her. The trees rustled with the empty gush of wind through their bare branches. The leaves had been raked up, the patio furniture stored away for the coming winter. There were predictions of snow next week, just in time to start the Christmas season.

“Thank you,” she said into the darkening afternoon. The sun would set before long, but she wasn’t ready to move.

“For what?”

“For sending those donations to the center.” She waited for him to deny it and smiled when he didn’t. V had been right. “I’m still trying to find a place to store everything.” She’d meant to say something on Tuesday when he’d been at the center, only she’d been meeting with a family when he’d left.

He ducked his head. “I’m glad they came through.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing.” He stared across the yard, a touch to the ground getting the swing moving again. “Let me know what else you need. There are still offers I can reach out to.”

“You’ve done more than enough,” she assured him. “Everyone has. But more people like you who are willing to give their time are what the kids really need. Positive male role models for them to look up to.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Her instinct was to tell him no, but maybe he could find a way to make that happen, and she couldn’t deny the kids that chance.

The sky darkened more, and she tried to hide the shiver that ran through her. She must’ve been unsuccessful though, because he released her hand to wrap his arm around her shoulders and tug her closer.

Her pulse sped up as she fought the longing that raced back to tease her with what she couldn’t have. Again, she ignored her better judgment and shifted to drape her legs over his. She snuggled into his warmth and found his free hand to link it back with hers.

Within seconds, the tension and stress and indecision that had ridden in tandem with her every move since the accident drifted away as they rocked. Nestled into the cocoon of Noah, her eyelids drooped, lulled by the sway of the swing and the comforting scent of dirt and him. She yawned and blinked a few times.

“Can I ask you something?” she said into the twilight.

“Always.”

She hesitated then dove in, hoping her timing was right. “How did you get into BDSM?”

He stiffened for an instant then relaxed again with a long sigh and a rub on her arm. “I was in my last year of law school when my parents died unexpectedly.”

“How?”

“Car accident.”

She twisted to see him. “You never said anything.” It put everything they’d gone through in a different light. One she was sick thinking about. “I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead, a move so natural and missed that she closed her eyes to savor the imprint before it raced down to pierce her heart. “It was a long time ago.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, I was in my last year of law school and my life suddenly felt out of control. I was alone and scrambling for a foundation. The internet gave me an idea of what I might want. So I found a club and was fortunate to meet Jake early on. Being a Dom brought order back to my life when I’d felt I had none.”

She thought about that and how lost he must have been. “And after that? When you got your degree and later your own law practice?”

“I liked it. For me, being a Dom was more about nurturing than power.”

“How so?”

He didn’t answer for a bit, and she startled when he wrapped both arms around her and held her tight. The ache returned tenfold, but she reveled in his embrace, soaked up every second of it and layered in the hope it brought.

“For me,” he finally said, “being a good Dom meant being there for the submissive more than myself. I strode to identify what a sub needed and then gave it to them, even if it was different from what they thought they wanted. It was about fulfilling their desires so they could walk out the door at the end of the night stronger, having satisfied the craving that drove them to the club.”

Liv let his words and warmth sink in. The faint glow from a light in the kitchen kept it from being completely black and provided something to stare at across the yard. She settled her hand over his heart and found a solid, steady beat that was so him. Her breath hitched before she bit her tongue to hold back the whimper that threatened to spill out.

“Was that what Beth was about for you?” she asked once she’d regained control of her voice. She was hesitant to prod too far, but she had to understand the Beth part, too.

He rubbed his cheek across her hair then let it rest there, each breath ghosting over her temple in a heated reminder of how close his lips were. “Mostly.” His voice had gone low. “I cared for her. Thought I was giving her what she wanted—needed. It gutted me to discover how wrong I’d been.”

The pain in his voice ripped at her heart once again for what he’d been through. How in the heck could that woman have done that to him? “You mentioned something about her dark past and depression. Was she bipolar?” A few kids had parents who were being treated for that, and she’d witnessed the drastic emotional changes a person could have if they were off their medications.

“Not that I know of. Just deeply depressed and experienced in hiding it.” He took a deep breath and twisted the end of her ponytail around his fingers, sending a flush of goose bumps down her neck. “I’m talking to a therapist about it.”

She tried to keep her small gasp to herself. It was another shot of hope that fueled her dreams and had her biting her lip until she could respond properly. “Good. I hope it helps.”

“Me, too.”

They rocked until she couldn’t stop the shivers. The temperature had dropped with the setting sun, and the chill had found its way to her bones. She didn’t want to leave the cozy nest she’d found in Noah’s lap, fearful of how alone she’d be when he let her go. Would she ever get him back permanently?

With regret, she eased off the swing without a word. She choked back her sorrow and blessed the darkness for shadowing the hurt she couldn’t hide.

“Let me get your food,” she said to fill the silence. He followed her to the SUV, and she squinted into the interior light when she opened the passenger door to grab his bag off the floor. “Here.”

The paper crinkled when he took it from her and peeked inside. She slammed the door closed, the interior light slowly dimming.

“I can’t wait to eat it.” He glanced up. “Sure you don’t want to join me?”

It was tempting. They could slide back into their easy routine. Have dinner, catch up on their weeks, touch and laugh and eventually fall into bed together. It would be easy and comfortable and...

“I can’t,” she finally said with another dose of regret. “I want to,” she added when his face flattened out. It was the first time she’d seen a hint of that look since she’d arrived. “But I don’t trust myself. Dang.” She rubbed her forehead, searching for how to phrase it. “I’m not explaining this well. Do you understand what I’m trying to say, though?”

He tucked his free hand in his back pocket and inclined his head. “I do.” He heaved a sigh. “You’re right.”

“But hey.” She flashed a full smile and swore her face cracked. “If you’re free next Saturday, I have an offer you can’t refuse.” She waggled her brows for added effect.