Shell House (14 page)

        Gabrielle left Harry’s house two nights later with her Probation Officer, Rosa. She always dealt with Gabrielle’s needs, having been allocated to her years ago. They were very close and Gabrielle felt comforted by her presence.

       
Rosa agreed that a new identity and place to stay was in order and waited for confirmation of the location so she could contact the Chief Constable, as was customary under the circumstances. It was to be an hour further round the coast; it was not something Gabrielle had a say in, as she’d first thought. They’d all agreed she didn’t need to be too far away, as it would be assumed by the media she would be, so not too much suspicion would be aroused. The journalists had just discovered her old house and situation, and would be busy sniffing around that for the time being anyway.

       
Gabrielle was pleasantly surprised by the temporary safe house they’d found her. It was a typical fisherman’s cottage on the coast, and even though some of the guts had been ripped out of it, it had been painted white throughout with a few simple ornaments scattered around and it felt peaceful and calm. The problem was she couldn’t stop crying and this environment seemed to be accentuating her emotions.

       
“I’ve not known you to be like this, Rebecca. Do you need me to call Dr. Young?” Rosa settled herself into an armchair adjacent to where Gabrielle had sat, alarmed at her roughly cut short hair and dark haunted eyes.

       
“No...I don’t know. Let me see how I feel in an hour or so. I’m not sure I’m ready to see Dr. Young yet.”

       
Dr. Young was the psychiatrist who she’d been seeing on and off for many years. He was excellent at his job but the sessions with him were intense and painful.

        “If you feel like that then it’s probably the best time to see him. Can I get you anything?”

       
Gabrielle shook her head. “It’s weird but for years being called Rebecca had felt right, maybe because I got used to it, I suppose, but now it just sounds odd.”

       
“In what way?”

       
“Well, for the time I spent at my father’s I actually felt like Gabrielle. I slipped into it so easily, and now I feel like no one. Now I’m not even Rebecca Banford.”

       
“I hate to berate you when you’re upset but next time you decide to make a lengthy trip anywhere, especially to family you must let us know. It’s a condition of your licence.”

       
“I know, I know. I’m sorry. Do you know what my new identity is going to be yet?”

       
“No, I’m still waiting to hear. It could be a while so if anyone asks you your name then for the time being just make one up. Not that you’ll be going out anytime soon.” Rosa sighed. “Do you think you’ve gained anything from having contact with your family?”

       
“Look at me Rosa. Do you think it’s done me any good?”

       
“I know you’re upset but maybe this is a positive thing. Maybe now you can resolve or work through some stuff.”

       
“Perhaps. Maybe I’m too upset to see it right now. It feels like it’s just churned up acres and acres of land that we’ve now got to sift through for some answers.”

       
“But at some point Rebecca you were going to have to work through this stuff. Didn’t Dr. Young tell you that eventually the memories would resurface?”

       
“I didn’t really believe him because I thought I’d dealt with it. That I was becoming normal, as normal as I can be, whatever that is. Have you got any cigarettes Rosa?”

       
Rosa was taken aback. “You don’t smoke!”

       
“Not really but occasionally I do and this is one of those occasions.”

       
“I haven’t but I could go and get you some. I’m sure there’s a shop around here somewhere. I’ll get you some bits and pieces if you like? What do you need?”

       
“Thank you; that would be a great help.” Gabrielle stood up to get her purse. “Milk, eggs and bread − that sort of thing.”

       
“Okay. I shouldn’t be too long....you won’t do anything silly will you?”

       
“I promise. How long have you known me? You know I wouldn’t do anything stupid.”

       
“Okay. And you’re sure you want cigarettes?”

       
Gabrielle nodded. “I’m not allowed to phone my father, am I?”

       
“Not at the moment. Please don’t, Rebecca.”

       
“Alright, I won’t.”

       
Rosa left Gabrielle sitting in the armchair which was where she stayed for quite some time. Any inclination to move made her body feel heavy and solid. She imagined getting up for a glass of water but never actually did it; her mind was so overwhelmed with memories and conversations from the past. She realised after some time she’d been talking to herself out loud.

       
She took a deep breath and launched herself from the chair in search of her mobile phone. Once found she dialled her father’s number.

       
“Hello?” His voice sounded weak and unfamiliar causing Gabrielle to hesitate before she answered.

       
“Dad? It’s Gabrielle.”

       
“Oh, my dear heart! Where are you?”

       
“I can’t tell you that and I must make this a quick call, as my Probation Officer forbade me to phone anyone. Don’t worry I’m not too far away. Dad, I need you to do something for me.”

       
“Anything.”

       
“I’m going to start writing my diary again. I want you to read it when I’ve finished. It’ll be about what happened to me when I went away. Will you do that for me? It’s important.”

       
She heard him breathe out a sigh on the other end of the line but not in an irritated way, more contemplative.

       
“Of course I will my darling. But knowing I’m going to read it won’t affect your honesty in relating it? What I mean is will you be completely open?”

       
“Completely. I think I need to do this. To get it all on paper and then we can put it behind us.”

       
“It sounds like a very good idea. When will we see you again?”

       
“Give me a few weeks. Just a few weeks and then I’ll ring you and we’ll meet somewhere. We have to let it all die down first.”

       
“I know but we miss you.”

       
“And I you. Dad I’m sorry for what I said.”

       
“I’m sorry too.”

       
“Look, I must go, Rosa will be back in a minute and I’m not supposed to ring anyone.”

       
“Alright my darling. Are you okay?”

       
“I am now I’ve come to this realisation. And I’m safe Dad, so don’t worry. Are you okay?” Gabrielle wandered over to the window to see if she could see Rosa coming down the street.

       
“Yes.”

       
She heard his voice break and her heart immediately felt like it was expanding, causing a sick feeling to rise in her throat.

       
“I love you, Dad.”

       
“I love you too.” He whispered and she heard him hang up the phone.

       
Her skin prickled with a chill that spread over her whole body as she choked back the unstoppable tears that streamed down her tired face. It was the first time he’d ever said anything like that to her.

       
She pulled her notebooks from her holdall and flicked through them, trying to find an empty one. Each one was used for notes and lists of characters or long hand novels but eventually she found one that hadn’t been written in.

       
She opened the front page and wrote her real name and the following days date at the top. Then she closed it and laid it on the arm of the chair with the pen neatly placed on top of it.

        Harry also sat in his armchair by the fire with an old hardback diary from 1987 that he’d found and never used. He opened the front cover, wrote the date at the top of the first page, took a sip of the brandy he’d poured himself and began to write.

CHAPTER SIX

        Gabrielle sat with her diary for many days, unable to formulate the words to write. She had no idea where to begin and when she did have something to say it just sounded churlish and petty.

       
She stared for hours out of the sitting room window, watching people walk by, trying to imagine what their lives were like and what they had to work through each day.

       
Rosa had rung her mobile to let her know what time she was arriving and Gabrielle was glad of the company each day. She liked the little house she was staying in and she felt as though she’d merged into the town quite easily without anyone really noticing, but she felt like she had felt many times before  − isolated, lost and very alone. She hadn’t had to move for quite a few years and had become very settled. But now the old familiar feelings from years ago were creeping back and they felt heavier and more concentrated than before.

       
She’d located her box of photographs that she’d packed in the bottom of her holdall; looking at them normally helped, but not this time. Even the ones Harry had given her didn’t seem to make any difference. She felt so blank yet filled with so many words, conversations and images.

       
A few minutes later Rosa knocked on the door and let herself in with the spare key. Gabrielle sighed with relief at her arrival and got up out of her chair to put the kettle on.

       
“Everything okay?” she called through to the kitchen as she took her coat off.

       
“Yeah sure. You?”

       
“Yes but I think you need to take a look at this.”

       
Gabrielle’s stomach flipped; she knew Rosa well enough to know that her tone of voice didn’t sound good. She walked into the sitting room to find her holding a tabloid paper. She quickly handed it to Gabrielle. On the front was a large picture of her when she was ten years old. The headline read “Monster child killer uncovered on Norfolk coast”.

       
“I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news and to be quite so harsh in the way I’ve delivered it but you need to know what’s going on. Someone has sold a story about you and whoever it is knows quite a lot about your circumstances and movements in the last few weeks.”

       
“Give it to me, let me read it.” Gabrielle snatched the newspaper from Rosa’s hands.

       
She stared at the black and white photo for quite some time as though she were examining someone she’d never seen before. She knew it was her but it didn’t feel or look like how she remembered herself. But then when she really thought about it she never looked how she imagined herself to be when she saw herself in the mirror anyway. It was always just a feeling inside her of whom she thought she was. She had no idea whether this was how everyone felt or if it was a foible that isolated her from the rest of the world.

       
She began to read the article, which had been narrated by someone who sounded like they knew her but had been written by a total stranger. Some of it was laughable it was so far from the truth. It had been dramatised and exaggerated and in that way was not like her at all.

       
“Do you have any idea who you think it could be?”

       
“Not sure. Maybe my sister-in-law, Anna. I’d like to think my brother wouldn’t stoop so low but then you never know.”

       
“I need to make a couple of calls.” Rosa went into the kitchen and closed the door behind her.

       
Gabrielle was barely aware; she was so engrossed in the article. She sat down in a chair so she could give it her full attention.

       
Rosa eventually appeared with two cups of tea. “Okay, here’s the plan. We’re going to move you again in the next week. This was only temporary anyway until the Home Office decided what to do.”

       
“Who have you just spoken to?”

       
“My boss. Nothing to worry about.” She handed Gabrielle a cup of hot tea and touched her arm, trying to reassure her. “The media coverage is bigger than we anticipated and we were undecided whether you would be best hiding in a community or somewhere rural.”