She's the Boss (30 page)

I went quiet for a while. Then I opened my eyes wide, gave a grateful nod and said, “Thank you. Thank you so much for that, Cynthia.”

“You’re so welcome, my dear.”

“Could you do me a small favor?” I asked earnestly.

“Anything for you, Karsynn.”

In a voice filled with charm and serenity, I said, “Could you please give Carter the Franciscan Blessing? I think it would really speak to his heart.”

Cynthia nodded sagely. “I’ll make sure that I do.”

The layoffs went on for half the day. Every person and every friend I’d wounded left a burning scar on my conscience. By the end of the day, my entire body was pockmarked with scars. If this is how leaders earned their scars, then maybe I wasn’t quite cut out to be one.

“That’s what happens when you’re sleeping with the boss.” I could hear the satisfaction in Jewel’s voice. “That explains her salary hikes, the plum assignments, the free trip to Malaysia.”

“Did she really sleep with him?” asked a soapy voice.

“She did,” said Jewel with obvious relish, punctuated by hearty laughter.

I sat for a while, tears stinging the back of my eyes. Part of me wanted to cry, but I didn’t. This was neither the time nor place to break down and cry. There was no privacy here. None. Every time someone in a cubicle nearby shifted, I heard the creak of a chair.

I pushed my chair back loudly and started down the hallway. I found myself staring at the cubicles, the potted plants, the printers, the fax machines, the water coolers, seeing everything yet taking in nothing. I focused on my surroundings so I could stop thinking about what I’d just done. Briefly, I wondered if everyone around me noticed my body language. If they did, they were careful not to make any eye contact.

I quickened my pace, trying to outrun my thoughts, and slipped into an elevator that was about to close. Downstairs, I made my way past security, through the exit gates and stepped outside. The news of the layoffs had dulled the brilliance of this sunny day. Hugging myself, I walked with little, hurried steps, all hunched over, trying to make myself appear as small and as insignificant as I felt.

I came to a slow halt at the duck pond. The wind blew hard against me and I shivered, crossing my arms, making myself into a fortress against the wind. As I stood there, taking deep gulps of air to steady myself, the sharp odor of guilt assaulted my senses and bit at my nostrils. The smell clung to my skin, saturated my clothes and stagnated in the air. The acrid, pungent and unmistakable odor of guilt. I had to breathe deeply from my diaphragm so I wouldn’t hyperventilate.

Suddenly my fragile control snapped. “Oh God.” I buried my face in my hands and burst into gut-wrenching sobs.

I felt rather than heard Carter come up behind me.

“Shhh,” he soothed, pressing his body to my back. “Don’t cry.”

“Damn you, Carter!” I choked through racking sobs. I did not understand where the tears were coming from, I just knew I couldn’t stop them. “Damn you for making me do that to my friends.”

He gathered me into his arms and sighed into my hair. “I’m sorry.”

I let my body pour in toward his, steadying my head against his chest. “I am a horrible person.” I sniffled through red and swollen eyes. “A horrible boss. A horrible friend.”

“That’s not true,” Carter whispered, wiping away my tears. “You’re a good person. And you’ve been a good friend to me.”

I began to cry even harder, my breath coming in short gulps and hiccups. “You’re not my friend, Carter.”

“Shhhh.” He sighed again. “Don’t say that.”

“You’re just some cog in the system who sold out to The Man.”

“Say what you want about me. I can take it.”

“I thought you were better than that.”

“I’m not,” he said gently, “and I never said I was.”

“Why do you do this?” I buried my face in his shirt. His presence was a fresh assault to my senses, another shock to my system. I shut my eyes. I just wanted him to go away. Why did he always confuse me so much? “Why do you do this?” I muttered furiously, feeling helpless against him. “I want to hate you so badly, but I can’t.”

He pressed his lips to my forehead and his voice caught in a husky rasp. “So don’t.”

Chapter Twenty Two

“So how did Truong and Inge take the news?”

“How do you think?” I asked morosely.

“Badly,” said Maddy at last.

I emitted a silent laugh. “I don’t think they’ll ever speak to me again.”

“Don’t be silly. Give them some time. They’ll come around.”

“No they won’t. I still have a job and they don’t. It’s the ultimate betrayal.”

“Kars, stop beating yourself up. It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not my fault,” I said disparagingly, “but it’s my problem.”

There was a fraction of a pause, then Maddy said, “You should be thankful that you still have a job.”

“I was sleeping with the enemy,” I spoke quickly, determined to get everything off my chest, “that’s why I still have a job.”

“Wait!” Maddy practically shouted down the phone, “What are you talking about?”

“I worked my butt off to prove myself and you know what?” I said bitterly, “Now all that doesn’t matter. I’ve lost all their respect. I’m just written off as the slut who screwed to keep her job.”

“Stop talking a mile a minute, Kars. Slow down.”

“He played me out. And I fell for it. I fell for
him
.”

“Who?”

“Carter Lockwood. Carter Price. I don’t know anymore.”

“Carter? You said you hated him.”

“I do.” Then I amended, “I did. You see, Carter doesn’t play the guy you love to hate. Noooooo. He does something far trickier; he makes you love the hateable guy.”

There was a deafening silence from the other end of the line. Then, “Are you saying you’re in love with Carter?”

I chewed on my bottom lip. I was utterly thrown by my feelings and I didn’t know the answer to that. Was I?

After a lengthy pause, Maddy mercilessly pumped me for more information. “So how did it happen?”

“How did what happen?”

“How did you end up in bed with him?”

“I don’t know, Maddy, it just happened.” I sighed wearily. “He cooked dinner for me one night. Mexican food. It was spicy and delicious and it hit the spot.”

“
Tu
puta madre
!” Maddy burst out laughing. “I didn’t know Mexican food made you horny.”

“Well, apparently. And then one thing led to another and . . .”

“Details!” Maddy ordered urgently, “I want details!”

I sucked in my breath with a loud hiss. “Don’t ask me how, but somehow he touched my hand and then,” I hesitated a second, “then I . . . um . . . touched his shvantz.”

“You touched his SHVANTZ?” Maddy shrieked. “Karsynn! You slut. How do you go from touching hands to touching his middle leg?”

“I don’t know.” I made an exasperated sound. “They’re both limbs?”

“So how was the sex?”

“Mind-blowing.”

“Oooh
girrrrrl
. You dipped your pen in company ink.”

“Hey!” I cried a touch defensively. “At least I just dipped my pen. With Mika, you practically
dropped
your pen in company ink.”

“True.” I could hear the smile in her voice. “Mika is stuck with me for life.”

“For life . . .” I echoed. “I don’t want to be stuck to Carter for life. I don’t want to like him. I don’t want to be attracted to him.”

“Look,” Maddy said in an emphatic voice, “you spend as much time with Carter as you do with your family and friends. You spend at least forty hours a week at the office. You guys work together, eat together, drink together, cap off a long day with a few highballs at the usual watering hole—”

“Wait,” I interjected. “I’ve never gone to a bar with Carter. Just Truong and Inge.”

Despite my mumbled protests, Maddy carried on expounding and there was no point in stopping her when she got in her stride. “What I’m trying to say is I can understand how these things happen. Hard work doesn’t always leave you much time for socializing, and we both know how hard you’ve worked. And do you know that twenty percent of marriages stem from office romances? I mean, look at me and Mika. We fell in love at that call center.”

“Maddy . . .” I sighed dramatically. “Me and Carter, what we have is nothing like what you and Mika have. We don’t have a great romance. We just had sex. Once.”

Quietly, she said, “But it’s more than just sex. Isn’t it?”

“OK.” My voice pitched higher. “I liked him, admired him even. But maybe it was just the idea of him . . . faced with the reality of him, I’m not so sure anymore . . .” I trailed off unsteadily.

Maddy waited for me to continue, and when I didn’t, she tacitly dropped the issue. “Are you ready to be my maid of honor?”

“Almost ready,” I replied, grateful for the change of subject. “I’m still working on my speech.”

“No worries. You’ve still got a week to finish it.”

“I know . . .”

“Kars?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself. Get some rest, OK?”

I hugged my legs tightly. “I’ll try.”

“Good. Because I want my maid of honor looking radiantly happy at my wedding. And,” she added in a teasing voice, “maybe you can bring Carter along as your date.”

“No way in hell!” I said at once. “Remember? Chicks before dicks! Truong and Inge will be my dates . . . that is, if they’ll still have me.”

“Of course they will,” she said reassuringly.

“I hope so . . .” I broke off, staring forlornly at the ceiling with the phone pressed against my ear, too exhausted to move, trying not to cry. “I’m worried about Inge.”

“Oh, don’t worry about her. Fragile looking people like Inge are usually the strongest.”

“And what about tough looking bitches like me?” I let out a short sharp laugh. “Are we usually the weakest?”

“You’re not weak, Kars,” she said in an indulgent tone. “You’re just one giant softie.”

Peaks and valleys. Life is full of them. I found myself dealing with this painful truth. Problem was, I couldn’t seem to find my way out of this bottomless valley. I’d spent the past two days trying to catch up on sleep, to no avail. I had too much on my mind. Now my whole body felt bone tired. Come to think of it, my mouth felt bone dry, too. After a frozen moment, I poked my head out from beneath the duvet, threw back the covers and dragged myself out of bed. I staggered into the kitchen in search of a drink to quench my raging thirst.

Stifling a yawn, I peered inside the fridge. A case of
7 Hour Energy
stared back at me. Hmm. I’d heard of
5 Hour Energy
, but never
7
.

Must be some generic off brand from Dollar Tree, I surmised.

Who drinks this stuff, anyway? I wondered absently, scratching my head.

Oh yeah. It was my roommate Pamela.

Tempting. Very tempting. I could sure use an energy boost right now.

Oh what the hell! I made a split second decision and opened five bottles of
7 Hour Energy
and chugged them all down.

Why five you ask? Well the bottles were little.

Five minutes later, I blasted off into some alternate universe. Colors became increasingly vivid and bright. Geometric patterns were superimposed on objects. Space and time seemed to speed up. Everything was super loud, as if someone had turned up the volume. I started feeling jumpy and my heart felt like it was about to explode right out of my chest. Taking a deep breath, I collapsed onto the couch and tried to light a cigarette. But I realized that I couldn’t because my hand was on backward. What the fuck? Was I tripping on mushrooms?

While my mind was hurtling chaotically into the stratosphere, I fumbled in my purse, fished out my iPhone and frantically thumbed in a SOS text to Maddy. Then the strangest thing happened. The text started jumping off the screen. PHWOAR! I stared in bewilderment. There were letters inside of letters, inside of letters, inside of letters, inside of letters, swirling around in little circles. Almost like an echo.