Shhh...Mack's Side (24 page)

I remember once when I was away at school, I went through a manic state, refusing to take any
more drugs. I made it six weeks before my mother found me naked on my bathroom floor. I didn’t have a period then.

Mr. Nichols was on top of Gia
, kissing her passionately, thrusting in and out of her. Gia moaned and thrust her hips into his, wrapping her legs around his waist, and dragging her nails down his back.

“I never had this with Sarah
,” he admitted to her. “I never felt the tension like this with her. I felt it the first time I touched you. I knew the moment I touched you, it was over.”

More moaning. “Did you love me then?” Gia asked. Nope not dead at all. I suddenly wished she was dead.
I wanted to kill them both.

“I loved you from the mo
ment I saw you, I think. Gianna, I was only trying to do what was right. Please believe that. If things would have been different, you know, if you would have had the baby. I would have been there. Somehow, I would have.”

“No
, you wouldn’t have, ahhh shit, James,” Gia panted, moaning even louder. “You would have stayed with your pregnant wife, not your off limits, pregnant student.”

“I still would have been there,” Mr. Nichols grunted, pumping hard in and out of her. Gia screamed in pleasure and he released inside her.

I stilled my breathing when the room went silent. How fucking cute. They were coming down from pleasure. Orgasmic pleasure.

“James,” Gia whispered.

“What, Gianna,” Mr. Nichols asked, raising up to move a strand of hair behind her ear, Ah, how fucking romantic.

“Did you touch her? Have you done this with her?”

“McKenzie?” he asked, taken aback.

“Yes. Please tell me I have something with someone that she doesn’t have.”

“It’s not a competition with McKenzie, Gianna. Life is not about McKenzie Perry.”

“I know that. I don’t even talk to her anymore, haven’t in years. Did you fuck her?”

“No. I had all intentions of it. I was going to fuck you both. You should see the suitcase of shit I had originally planned for you two.”

I moved my head when Mr. Nichols rolled off her. He moved to his side and caressed her stomach, propped on one elbow.

“I’m glad you brought us here,” Gianna admitted.

“Us or just you?”

“I’m sort of happy that Mack doesn’t have her fancy magazine job to go back to. Does that make me a bad friend?”

“Yeah, sort of, but McKenzie didn’t have a fancy job. She was renting some dump in
Cyprus Florida, a small town barely on the map.”

Gia sat up. “Why? Where did she work?”

“Mack hasn’t worked in almost a year. She left her job when I was paroled. She ran. You think the little cunt knew? You think she knew I was coming for you?”

“Don’t call her that. Why would you say that?”

“Hmmm, let me think. Maybe because the little cunt put me in prison for something I didn’t do.”

“Good point,” Gia backed down. One minute she was talking trash about me and the next she was standing up for me.
Was she as manic as me?

“Shhh, go to sleep. How’s your head?”

“Sore, but okay,” Gianna replied, snuggling up to Mr. Nichols, or James to her. She smiled, relaxed in her clean sheets, nestled in his arms. 

I didn’t move a muscle. I was afraid of making noise
s with the old boards. I think I sat there quietly for at least thirty minutes after Mr. Nichols turned off the lantern. I heard the deep breathing and peeked in one more time. I could see that Gia was now on her side, turned away from Mr. Nichols. He held her close to him, molding his body in to hers. What was I supposed to do now? I didn’t even know what state I was in. I thought I was still south, but not as far south as I had been in Florida. North Carolina maybe, or could it be as far as Virginia or Tennessee?

Where was the nearest road? I didn’t even have my phone. Where was my phone? I had the compass I could have gone by if I had my phone. I quietly stood from my stooped position on the floor and m
ade my way back to my own room, feeling blood trickle down my leg again. Damnit. I found Cara just fine, it was the arm that Gia ripped off that I couldn’t find. Crawling around on my hands and knees, I touched something furry and jumped back, holding in the scream. I didn’t want to take the chance on anyone hearing me.

I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t find it anywhere. Cara was going to have to be laid to rest without it attached to her little body, just like her broken heart. I walked back down the decaying stairs and right out the door. I never turned around, not even for a glance. I held
the one armed Cara in my arms, crying the entire time. I was saying goodbye. I was finally going to say goodbye, not just to Cara, but to all of it. Mr. Nichols, the voices, Kyle, and Gia. I was saying goodbye to a complicated relationship with my Gianna.

I knew she’d be okay. I could tell by the conversation I’d heard. Mr. Nichols would take care of her. He wouldn’t leave her there. I was sure of it. I was also sure that no matter how hard he tried. He couldn’t hurt her, or at least not any more than she wanted to be hurt. Who knows what sort of sick sex games they played, mixing pain with pleasure.

I walked right through the field and to the brook. Wading my bare feet through the shallow water, hissing from the freezing temperatures, I sucked air between my teeth. The pain of it hitting the scratches and cuts on my ankle hurt, stinging like a hundred bee stings. I untied my homemade tunicate and rinsed the blood, watching the red trail flow through the moon lit current. Using the cloth to clean the wound between my thighs, I cried. I thought I was crying from the most horrific pain I’d ever felt. The icy water chilled my open cut to the point of almost passing out. I crawled back to the little bank and laid down.

I wailed, louder than I wanted to. I cried in agony. In agony of losing my one and only friend, of losing the only off limits man who had ever made me feel whole. The agony I
bestowed on AJ when I left him to bury my baby girl, knowing he was burying another man’s child. I knew he took care of it. I knew he would make the arrangements. He was that kind of guy. He would have done it for her.

I cried for the a
gony I had donated to AJ. I should have never let it get that serious. I just left, no goodbye, nothing. For Mr. Nichols and the seven years of anguish he felt. For Melanie, for doing what only a wife should do to her man. The hell, wrapped in suffering, I put my parents through ever since I was a little girl. And last but not least. My baby girl. I wailed again thinking about her tiny little body and the quick gasps of air she was fighting for before they snatched her away.

Sitting up after who knows how long, I wiped the dirty tears from my face, using the same bloody rag I’d tied my leg with. I felt dazed, woozy
, and a little nauseated. I was cold and shivering, but I had to keep moving. I had to find a road. I bit my own shoulder, leaving marks I was sure, when I tightened the cloth around my lacerated leg. I knew I had to stop the bleeding again, but it was the only warmth I was getting. Tying it tightly, I screamed into my shoulder, trying not to pass out from the pain. Using the leftover blood, I rubbed it into my legs, thinking maybe I could use it like a layer of clothes. It didn’t work.

Standing, I took Cara in my arms, grimaced in pain and walked to the tree. The one that I could see the top of from my window. That’s when I
looked back. That’s when I saw the haunting building, telling me to run. I suddenly had the urge to run. Run and never look back. Dropping to my knees beneath the tree, I dug and dug, crying once again. I could feel the buildup of mud and grime caking into my nails. I kept digging and I kept crying. I was saying goodbye.

Once I had a big enough hole, I placed
the one armed Cara in my arms and hugged her tight. That was the hardest thing I had ever gone through in my entire life. I wasn’t seeing the broken doll. I was seeing my baby. Her lifeless body lay limp in my arms as she breathed quick, short breaths, in and out. I brought her to my face, embracing her soft, warm skin on my cheek. She smelled like I remembered when she came into the world. That smell only a mother knows. The smell of a new life, the one you never, ever forget.

“I love you so much, baby girl. Don’t you ever think I didn’t,” I cried. I pressed my lips to hers and felt her take her last breath
. Closing her eyes with my tear stained lips, I placed her in the hole where she could finally rest, knowing how sorry I was and how much I loved her.

I don’t remember covering her up with the dirt, although I am sure that I did. I stood, counting on the tree for balance against gravity. I wasn’t sure if I was dehydrated or if I was losing too much blood. How much is too much? How long did it take before one was out of blood? Placing my hand over the bandage, I felt better, realizing it was just wet and wasn’t bleeding anymore.

Deciding to follow the creek, I started out, heading east, or was this west? Hoping I wasn’t far from a road, I began my journey. The journey to my life. The one I was going to cherish, start fresh, and finally live. A new sense of life and a desire to live, really live, fueled my desire to keep going. I couldn’t wait to talk to my mom. I missed her voice and I missed my dad. Thinking about them made me wonder if they had missed me yet, probably not. Once, I’d gone four months without one word. I was going to change that. I was. Lila probably missed me more than them.

I walked and walked and walked, never coming out of the woods. I didn’t venture too far from the creek. I felt like it was my friend against the wilderness, not like the four inches of water would do much to save me, but maybe. I heard some pretty scary noises and I swore the creepy owl was following me. Stopping the third time to rinse the bandage, I decided to rest. I don’t think I rested. I think I passed out from either the pain in my leg or the loss of blood.

Snuggling up to a tree with its root sufficing as my pillow, I curled myself into a tiny ball, trying to find warmth. I smiled, feeling warm. I was so warm, laying in a bed, my bed from when I was a child. I was little again. Everything was all better. It was all different now. I was okay. I smiled, feeling the peace permeate my entire existence. I was safe. I was home. Even the wind chimes were peaceful, playing a pleasant tune.

Goodbye, Mom and Dad. I’m sorry I wasn’t as good as Gia.

Goodbye, Gia. I’ll always love you.

Goodbye, Mr. Nichols. I’m sorry for my part in ruining your life.

Goodbye, AJ. I’m sorry for hurting you. Thank you for taking care of my baby.

Goodbye, Colton. I could have loved you
, too. We could have been great together. I’m sorry, Colton.

Goodbye, Lila. Thank you for being my friend.

Goodbye, Kyle. You’ll always be the one. I love you. I’ve always loved you.

Goodbye, b
aby girl. I love you more than my own life. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the mommy you needed me to be. Sweet dreams, pretty princess.

My mouth felt dry, unbelievably dry. Trying to swallow, sucking for saliva to wet my throat, I failed. There was none. My mouth felt like it did after Gianna and I would smoke weed in high school. Cotton mouth was the perfect description. I tried to open my eyes. They wouldn’t budge, something was making them heavy. This wasn’t how I’d thought it was going to be. There was no bright light for me to follow.

Dying sucked. I was all alone, and it was dark, really dark. No shadows or reflections. At least I wasn’t close to hell. It was too cold for that. I gave up trying to lift my head and let it fall, no sense in fighting it.

“McKenzie? Can you hear me? McK
enzie?”

What? Who was that? Where were they? A man’s voice. Hmmm. Maybe my mom sent my Grandpa Jim to take me
to god. I never met him, well I did, I just don’t remember him. I was two when he died.

“McKenzie? Can you hear me? Open your eyes, McKenzie.”

There’s the light. Wow. It was a bright light. The light was so bright it hurt my eyes. I doubted the need for the blinding light. No need to put an exclamation mark behind it.

“That’s good. Open your eyes.”

Wait. Who the hell was that? I didn’t know this guy. Or her. Or her. What the hell?

“Can you tell me your name?”

“Can you tell me yours?” I countered.

“I’m Dr. Longhand,” the man said. I looked at his hand. It didn’t look long to me.

“What is the last thing you remember, McKenzie?”

I tried to sit up. What was the last thing I remembered? Whoa. My head
spun in circles, forcing it back to the pillow. “Can I have a drink?” I asked, realizing first that I wasn’t dead, and second, I was in a hospital. The nurse placed the straw to my lips and I sucked, and sucked, and sucked until she took it. It was so refreshing.

“What’s wrong with me?”

“You’re fine. Dehydrated, but fine. We had to do surgery on your leg, just to get it cleaned out in order to stitch it up. Do you think you can talk to the police? They would like to ask you a few questions.”

“Where’s Gianna?”

“Gianna’s fine. We need you to tell us what happened. How did you two get out there alone?”

“I want to talk to Gianna,” I protested. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want Mr. Ni
chols to go back to prison. He had already suffered enough because of us. Closing my eyes, I feigned exhaustion and clammed up. I needed time to think.

“Okay, let’s let her rest,” Dr. Longhand said and left my room. The nurse shot something into my I.V. and I drifted off. Dark peace. Why couldn’t I stay here?
I wanted to stay right here forever and ever.

My mind went to happy places while I slept. Gia and I were little girls. We were on our tire swings in the corner of her yard. The sound of laughter was refreshing. I’m sure I was smiling in my comatose state.

That’s where my mind was when my name was being called over and over again. It was that light again. Why did it have to be so bright? Once I was coherent enough to know what was going on. I wanted to go back. I wanted more of the narcotics shot in my IV, running through my veins. I wanted to stay there.

I still refused to talk. I wasn’t saying one word until I got to talk to Gia. I had to know what she said. I had to know our story. Once I knew it, I’d be fine. I was an expert at telling lies, keeping secrets, an
d being deceitful. I was a pro with years of practice. I just needed Gia first.

“Your parents are on their way. Let’s wait for them, and then we’ll let you see Gia. Can you speak to the police now? Answer a couple questions?”

Was this guy deaf or what? “Let me talk to Gia,” I countered for the tenth time. My lips were sealed until I talked to Gianna and they would stayed sealed if I never saw her again. One thing about it, Gianna and I, we could keep a secret. It might hurt a little, but we could keep a secret.

I wanted Gia.

I waited until I was alone again before I snuck out, peering my head out first. I didn’t know where to look. Where would she be? I dragged my wrapped leg behind me, feeling off again. My head hurt, right on the left temple. I should talk to someone about my meds. I was hearing the voices. And the wind chimes. Would I ever know that secret? I guess one out of all this mess was okay left in the past. Maybe it wasn’t even significant. Maybe it was just my craziness coming out.

Tightening my gown around me, I studied the map by the elevator. I wasn’t on a crazy ward. That made me smile. I was on a regular patient care floor. The psych ward was on the seventh floor. I was on the fifth. Oh the small things in life that make you happy, at least for people like me
, anyway. Nobody here knew I was crazy. I was normal. I was just like everyone else.

“Can I help you find something?” A nurse asked. She looked li
ke she was just coming to work, carrying a cooler type lunch box.

“I was looking for my friend.
Gianna Edwards, a nurse took me in a wheelchair last time. I don’t remember where she was,” I lied like it was nothing. It wasn’t. Like I said. I was an expert.

“Oh yeah. She came in last night. I’m on that floor. I’ll take you there. It’s okay, right? You’re doctor knows you’re up and about?”

“Oh yeah, I just had minor surgery. I’m getting out this afternoon.” That might have been a bad lie. I didn’t know what day it was, let alone the time of day. It worked. She nodded, letting me walk in front of her. The elevator made me feel a little nauseous. Or maybe it was the thought of what I would say to Gia.

That was so real. I had never had a dream so vivid in my life. It was
disturbing as hell. I needed to call Lila. I needed back on my meds. Maybe I should tell someone. Maybe I should tell the doctor here that I wasn’t right. She was right there, happy and healthy. She was so cute. She looked exactly how I pictured her to look had she lived. Cara was a mini Gia. I couldn’t help but smile. She was beautiful.

“McKenzie? Can you hear me, baby?”

Uh-What? Who’s there? I couldn’t wake up. Why couldn’t I open my eyes? Mom? Mom? Is that you? I was screaming. Crying for her, but she couldn’t hear me. Mom. This wasn’t real. The wind chimes. They’re not real. I’m here, Mom. Why won’t you listen to me? I’m here, Mom. I’m right here. See me, Mom. Please. Why won’t you look at me? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was a bad kid. Mom.

“McKenzie,
baby, wake up.”

“Mom?”

“I’m right here, sweetie,” she said, holding me tight. She felt so real, nostalgia, I didn’t even know was possible for me. It was. I felt it. Wait.

I pushed away from her. This wasn’t real. Cara wasn’t real. I was hallucinating again. 

“It’s okay, Mack. I’m right here, baby,” my mother coaxed, holding her chest. The tear was real. I watched it slide down her face. She quickly swiped it away. No, it wasn’t real. None of this was real.

“Give her a minute to
acquaint herself with her surroundings,” I heard the unfamiliar voice. No, not unfamiliar. It was that doctor with the long hand.

I tilted my head and looked past my mother. Dad? My eyes blinked, rapidly, needing to blink it away. I crawled backward, bringing my knees to my chest. Wake up, Mack. Wake up. I wanted it to end. My chest hurt, wanting everything this nightmare was exposing. My little Cara, my mom, my dad, Kyle, and even Gia. My heart ached, wanting all of them. I needed them. Closing my eyes, I tried to see her again. Her little
dark curls were just like Gia’s at the bottom. They curled in cute little ringlets. Gia hated them. She was always straightening them. I would have given anything for her hair.

“You’re okay, McKenzie. I just want to examine you. You took a pretty nasty fall,” Dr. Longhand softly spoke. I opened my eyes. Still there. My dad looked like he
’d aged since I saw him last. When was that? I closed my eyes, squeezing as hard as I could. Damn. Still there.

I worked hard to talk myself sane. Come on, Mack. Get your shit together. Okay.
Think. The last thing I remember. Think, Mack. Think. I was talking to Gia, yeah. I was talking to Gia. She was explaining to me what happened with Mr. Nichols. What was it? She was telling me how we got here. What did she say? Damnit, Mack. Think. Think. I coaxed my brain, trying to keep from going crazy. It was there. Right there and I was fighting it with everything in me.

I had the strongest urge to get up, sit in the middle of the floor, and rock back and forth with my arms around my legs. Yeah. That’s wha
t I’d do. That was easier. NO! What do you remember, Mack. What the fuck? Who said that? Come back, Mack. You’re okay, you’re fine. Just relax and think. Breathe. I looked past the bright light being shined in my eyes and thought about the conversation.

“But how did we get here? The cops want to talk to us. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore, Gia.”
I remembered that. That really happened. Gia was alone in her room. A room just like mine.

“I don’t
remember either, Mack. It’s over. You can move on.”

“Where is he? What did you tell the cops?”

“I haven’t talked to them yet. I wanted to talk to you first. We have to keep our stories straight.”

Feeling the déjà vu, I stared at Gia. Her eyes were sunken in. Her lips looked dry and cracked, and she was skinny. Too skinny. “Yeah, Gia, we’re experts at that. What’s the story?” I asked, feeling just a tad bit of animosity. This is what got me in this mess in the first place, but in Gia’s defense, I don’t know how I would have reacted, knowing she was sleeping with my dad. I swallowed my pride and listened
to our story—again.

“Mr. Nichols
snuck in here last night. He called 911 for us, Mack. He let us go.”

“No. He forgot to lock my door because he was too busy making love to you. I left. He never let me go,” I argued. I felt good about that. That was the truth. Real life, and I knew it. I knew how it happened.
I did it all by myself. Just like I’d done everything all by myself.

“But he was going to let you go. He was going to let us both go. I swear, Mack. I was coming to find you. You were gone. There was blood everywhere and we knew you were hurt. I had to find you, but I couldn’t make it. I haven’t had a drink in five days, Mack,” Gia proudly alleged. I sort of smiled at her.
She was mighty fulfilled with that baby step.

“How did he get us here? I never saw a car at all. I don’t remember an
y of that. I remember, burying—” I stopped. She didn’t need to know that I’d said goodbye to Cara and she was resting beneath the soil by the stream.

I remember
standing there, doing just what I was doing now, trying to stay focused, differentiate fact from fiction. I didn’t remember anything she was saying.

“He found you, Mack. He found you and carried you back to my car and drove us away from
there. Far enough away from the asylum.”

“Why was your car there?”

Gia laughed. “The bastard kidnapped me in my own car. He’s been driving it to some little market for weeks. Bastard could have at least bought us something besides bologna or peanut butter.”

“We used to love
peanut butter,” I reminded her with half a smile.

“Peanut butter and plain potato chip sandwich.”

“Or peanut butter and graham cracker sandwich.”