Shine Not Burn (37 page)

“Just in case
what?”
 
The pitch of my voice came out way too high, but I couldn’t control it.

He didn’t answer me until he was on his horse’s back.
 
“Just in case my horse bucks me off and throws me to the ground, knocking me unconscious.”

“What?!”

He shot me a grin and pulled his reins sharply to the left while kicking his horse and talking to her.
 
“Get-up there, girl.”

I was so busy watching him ride away, I was totally unprepared for my horse to follow. She jerked me to the side and then backward as she moved to follow Mack’s horse, and I had to grab the saddle horn sticking up in front of me to keep from falling off.
 
My reins dropped to her neck and hung down limply on the sides in big loops.

“I lost my thingies!”
 
The right words wouldn’t come out in my panic.

“What are thingies?” he shouted, not even looking.

“The leather things!
 
The reins!”

“Pick ‘em up.”

I held onto the saddle with a death grip in one hand and reached out with the other to grab the knot holding the two thin straps together.
 
As soon as I snagged it, I pulled back on the reins, anxious to get control of the horse.

The horse stopped going forward.

I panicked, watching Mack get farther and farther ahead, worried my horse would run to catch up and dump me on my sorry butt.
 
I’d probably fall right onto a snake, and with the way my luck was going, I’d land on him while he was sunning himself fang-side-up.
 
My whole body tensed into a human-shaped board of solid fear.

The horse snorted and began walking backwards.

I yanked on the reins some more, trying to get her to stop, but she wouldn’t listen.
 
She just kept going faster the wrong way.

“Mack!” I shrieked.
 
“It’s broken or something!
 
It’s in reverse!
 
It’s going in reverse!
 
How do you make it go into drive?!”

He twisted in his saddle and started laughing.

I was torn between laughing with him and crying, my whole body trembling, even my lips.

“Stop squeezing her sides and let the reins loose.
 
You’re telling her to go backward with your conflicting signals!”

I immediately shot my legs away from her sides, sticking them straight out like Hawaiian canoe out-riggers.
 
I dropped the reins to her neck again and held onto the horn with both hands.
 
I would have slid right off and saved myself from the nightmare of riding this beast if I’d thought I could land without dying.

The horse moved forward and ambled over to where Mack was waiting.
 
The bulk of my rear end was pushed up off the saddle by two very tense ass-cheek muscles.

He couldn’t breathe for a little while, due to all the laughing he was doing. I, on the other hand, was sweating-hot and cranky, wondering what had possessed me to listen to this idiot and get up on this monster when I knew damn well it would be a mistake.
 
He could charm the fangs off a snake if he wanted to.
 
“Can we go back now?
 
I think I’ve seen enough scenery.”

Mack leaned over and grabbed my horse’s reins, pulling the animal up next to his.
 
“Get over here, girl,” he said, wrapping his hand around my neck and pulling me closer.
 
He leaned in and kissed me right on the mouth.

I squealed against his lips, fearing I was going to fall too much to appreciate their warmth.

“I gotcha,” he said, putting his arm around my waist and steadying me.
 
My horse shifted under the saddle, but she didn’t move away.

I let him kiss me this time briefly before pushing him back.
 
It felt too nice not to.
 
“You’re going to make me fall,” I said, pushing him away.

He smiled, all kinds of happiness lighting up his eyes.
 
It made me think of sugary sweetness and vulnerability, things I never showed anyone.
 
Things I’d removed from my repertoire a long time ago.
 
He’s braver than me.

“I think you’re going to be a natural in the saddle,” he finally said.

I tried to hit him, but he was too far away.
 
“
I think
when I finally get off this thing, I’m going to kill you.
 
I hope you can run fast.”
 
I plucked the reins off the horse’s neck and held them in a slightly-less-shaky grip.

“Is that a promise?
 
Cuz if it is, I can run extra slow and give you half a chance of catching me.”
 
He winked and clicked his tongue, sending his horse forward and leaving me behind again.
 
He spoke to me without looking back.
 
“Pick up the slack in the reins, but don’t pull on them.
 
Rest your toes in the stirrups but don’t squeeze the horse with your legs.
 
Just pretend you’re straddling a log.
 
Find your center balance.”

“Straddling a log,” I grumbled quietly to myself.
 
“Why don’t you go straddle a log, you big dope.”
 
I gathered up the reins and pictured myself riding a stupid log over a stupid rushing river, letting my stupid moccasined feet just hang down.

The horse moved forward instead of backwards, and after a while I was surprised to find her pace calm and relaxing.
 
The rocking motion soon worked its magic on me, lowering my blood pressure and dispersing the images of death that had crowded my mind.
 
I took a deep breath and exhaled, letting out all the tension that had gathered.
 
As my butt cheeks took a vacation from turning into rock, I settled lower into the saddle and found the process of riding the horse almost pleasant.

We wound our way through some trees and piles of rock, steadily moving uphill towards a near mountain range.
 
Sitting high up on the tall horse, I could see everything normally blocked to me when on foot, the vista spreading out before us like an impressionistic painting done entirely in nature’s most beautiful shades of green, brown, and blue.

Neither of us spoke, making it easier for the sounds of the wild West to trickle in and take over my normally busy-with-words mind:
 
a hawk screeching; wind blowing through branches; leather squeaking and creaking on the saddle; the horses’ footsteps over rocks and crunchy plant debris …
swish, clop, swish, swish, clockle, crack … swish, clop, clop, crack.
 
A bark announced the arrival of one of the ranch dogs, who raced past us and took the lead on the path.

Maeve’s words came back to me, how she liked to let the men drive so she could enjoy the scenery … how Baker City was one of the most beautiful places on Earth.
 
I’d argued with her then in my mind, but right now I wasn’t, and I knew I never would again.
 
It was wild here and untamed for sure, but its savage beauty was something I’d never seen before in real life, living in cities and their suburbs.
 
Majestic
was a word that came to mind as I scanned the landscape around me.
 
A spiritual place.
 
It made sense that Native Americans had chosen to settle in this area of the country.
 
I felt really connected to the Earth for some reason.

It was crazy to be feeling this way when I was a city-girl at heart, but denying it would do me no good.
 
The irrational, emotional part of my brain might be claiming that I’d suffered a nervous breakdown over my destroyed wedding plans or the fallout that awaited me back home, but the fully functioning rational brain inside me and my heart too were both telling me the truth: that this place isn’t just a city on a map.
 
It’s a home - a place where a person could be herself, and surround herself with people who loved her and respected her and laughed with her.

With that realization came the understanding that sometimes you can’t appreciate the true beauty of a thing until you’ve experienced it for yourself; no amount of words or pictures will do the trick.
 
And no amount of planning could make it happen.
 
Sometimes, we just have to go where the wind takes us and see where we end up.

I sighed with both happiness and melancholy.
 
The wind had blown me to Baker City, Oregon and by being here I’d found a place in the world where I could very possibly discover peace, for the first time in my life.
 
But this Eden was inhabited by one of the biggest mistakes I’d ever made in my life, and because of that, I would have to leave.

There was just too much negativity wrapped up in the situation to consider staying: a drunken, blacked out marriage that was neglected for two whole years; a girlfriend waitress who maybe wasn’t a girlfriend but she sure seemed to think she was; an angry younger brother who may or may not blame me or Mack for his failed wedding plans; and the fact that I’d poured my heart out to this stranger and shared pieces of me that I’d been trying to lose for over ten years.
 
It was hopeless.

Chapter Thirty-Three

“YOU’RE BEING AWFULLY QUIET BACK there.
 
What’re you thinking about?”

Mack’s question startled me out of my reverie and reminded me I was sitting up way too high off the earth.
 
My body tensed for a few seconds before I could get a grip on myself again.
 
“Nothing.”
 
Better to just let it lie, right?
 
Sometimes the truth just needs to stay in darkness.
 
The problem was that it felt like if I hid the truth from everyone, I’d be hiding myself there too, and I wasn’t a fan of the dark.

“I don’t believe that for a second.
 
I get the feeling you’re always thinking about something.”

“What are
you
thinking?” I asked, trying to turn the tables over to safer topics.

He glanced back at me.
 
“About how bad I want to see you naked again.”

My face pinked up.
 
“Be serious.”

“I am being serious.”
 
He turned to face front so I was looking at his broad back once more.
 
“That’s not all I’m thinking, but it’s high on the list.”

I sighed, sad because I wanted to see him naked again too, and in the light of day for a change, but that would be stupid.
 
Sex would only complicate things more.
 
“We’re not going to do that again, okay?
 
The two times we’ve done it were both mistakes.”

“Two times?
 
Boy, you’re not very good with math, are you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, according to my math, it’s more like five or six.
 
Not that I was counting or anything.”

“What?
 
You’re crazy.”
 
I wondered what else I’d forgotten from that night, other than the wedded-by-Elvis part.

“Believe me, I don’t forget things like that.”

I snorted.
 
“Right.
 
How many women have you been with?”

He twisted around and grinned.
 
“You jealous?”

“No.”
 
Maybe.
 
Yes.

He shrugged.
 
“Not many.
 
I’m picky.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

He stopped his horse.
 
My horse kept going until it was next to his.

“It’s true,” he said in a more serious tone.
 
“I don’t just sleep with any girl.”

“You slept with Hannah.”
 
It was a total shot in the dark, but I waited breathlessly for his response.

“No, I did not.”
 
He sounded offended.
 
“Who told you that?
 
I’ve never slept with that girl nor would I ever.”

I shrugged.
 
“I heard it in town somewhere.”

His jaw was set and hard as he stared off ahead of his horse.
 
I figured I’d already gotten him upset once, might as well go all the way.

“You slept with Ginny.”
 
Another shot in the dark. This one right into the heart.

Mack kicked his horse and it took off running, leaving me and my horse behind.
 
Apparently she didn’t appreciate it, because she took off right after them.
 
She didn’t go as fast, but the pace was accelerated enough to cause me to turn into a bouncing piece of human popcorn on the saddle.
 
My butt slapped the leather seat over and over making the most embarrassing sound …
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
 
My yell came out with every bump telegraphed in it.
 
“Ah-uh-ah-uh-ah-uh-ahhhhh!
 
Mack!
 
Wait-uh-ay-uh-ayyyyt!”
 
My teeth clacked together when I stopped talking, giving me a headache.

I whap-whap-whapped my butt around a windy trail through a cover of trees and out into a blindingly bright meadow full of wildflowers before we finally slowed.
 
Mack was standing still again, his horse just on the outside of the field.
 
He slid down off the back of the animal and started unbuckling some packs that were strapped to the back part of his saddle.
 
My horse drew up next to his and then dropped her head sharply, jerking the reins out of my hands.

I stared at him, wondering if he really had slept with his brother’s fiancée.
 
I really hadn’t thought it was the truth, and I don’t know why I said it.
 
But his reaction made me doubly curious, and it also made me wonder if I’d misjudged him.
 
He didn’t seem the type to do something like that … something like I had done by sleeping with him while engaged to Bradley.
 
God, I’m such a terrible person.
 
Why would he want to be with me?
 
Is it because he’s a cheater too?
 
The very idea made me sick for some weird reason.
 
I wanted him to be a better person than me.