ShouldveKnownBetter (19 page)

“I know it wasn’t your idea, but you took advantage of the situation.”

“Can you blame me?” He tried like hell to keep the bitterness out of his voice as he flattened one hand on the door beside her head. When he caressed her cheek with the palm of his other hand, she shuddered, and with a perverse glee he realized she was as off-kilter as him.

“You and I both know damn well we have wanted each other for so long, too long. It’s making Rob crazy. It’s hurting my play. It’s affecting your work. It’s time to stop agonizing about whether it’s right and just do it.
Te donner a moi.
Right here, right now.”

Sebastian had been lucky enough to get a few tantalizing tastes of her, but they hadn’t even begun to satisfy his need. Every day was more unbearable and eventually everyone would notice, if they hadn’t already. Sarah’s eyes darkened and drifted half-closed, and Sebastian took the opportunity she had most likely unknowingly presented to him, giving her a fiery, open-mouthed kiss.

Sarah wrapped her arms around his neck, arching against him and merging their pelvises. Much as he tried to hold on, his self-control completely unraveled. He needed to be inside her more than he needed his next breath.

Sebastian continued to ply her with kisses as coherent thought went by the wayside. Despite his raging need, he didn’t want to take Sarah against the door for their first time and forced himself to slow down. He broke away, but just to nestle his face and lips into her neck, whispering endearments to her in French as he kissed from her shoulder up to her ear. He licked her skin in the same spot he’d nuzzled at the bar, that sensitive hollow behind the fragile lobe. She moaned when he sucked the skin into his mouth.

Sebastian’s entire body was on edge, every nerve working overtime. He caressed her thigh and then her mound, rubbing insistently. She lifted her leg and wrapped it around his waist. He gave a guttural groan as his hand hit the door with a
thump
and he ground his pelvis into hers in a wordless invitation. Another moan escaped her lips and he was sure he was going to explode soon.

“I need you, Sarah.”

“We need to eat,” she choked out, pushing him away.

Sebastian shivered at the loss of her warmth, but he ruthlessly tamped his frustration. Getting angry would only make things worse. He took a good look at her as she panted in front of him. “I liked what I was eating. Remember,
j’aime manger.
I love to eat.” Moving back to her, he took her earlobe into his mouth and sucked hard.

“We shouldn’t… we can’t… oh God…” Her head fell back and Sebastian devoured her again with his lips, teeth, and tongue. “Please, Sebastian, don’t do this.”

I can’t not do this.

“Do you want me to go?” he whispered, his voice rasping as he kissed her collarbone again.

Please say no. Please say no. Please say no.

“Yes! No! God, I don’t know!” She pushed him away again and straightened.

He went to kiss her once more, but stopped when she held up her burned hand, the other hand covering her heaving chest as if to protect herself. The last thing he wanted to do was scare her, so he backed off.

“Please,” she begged. “I love my job. I don't want to get fired. If I have an affair with one of the players, there’s no way they’ll let me stay once they find out.”

Sebastian considered her words for a moment then frowned. “I don’t think they would fire you for being with me. I think you’re trying to come up with an excuse because you are scared.” His hands clenched into fists at his sides, the force of his need overwhelming everything else. “I’ve wanted to be with you since we met, and I refuse to let this go. I have waited too long and wasted too much time already.”

Sarah nodded, and he was briefly encouraged until she said, “Eat, yes, let’s eat.” Without another word, she brushed past him and fled to the kitchen.

“I am starving,” he admitted as he followed her.

It was obvious he wasn’t going to get anywhere with her right now, so he might as well eat. At least she wasn’t throwing him out. He could work on her through dinner.

There was a lot of food on the table. “But even I can’t eat all this.”

She sat in the chair opposite him. “I’m not sure I believe you, since I’ve seen you eat. Besides, if you recall, I can put away quite a pile of food myself.”

“Ah yes, our first date.” Sebastian replied, giving her a mocking half-smile.

Sarah groaned. “It was
not
a date.”

“Whatever you say,” Sebastian answered as he started heaping food onto his plate.

Sarah carved the pork and gave a generous serving to him. They ate in silence while a sexual charge hung over the room. Finally, after long moments, Sarah cried, “This is ridiculous. We’re both adults, we can have a mature conversation without needing to tear each other’s clothes off.”

“Speak for yourself,” Sebastian said before shoveling food into his mouth.

“Slow down. You’ll choke. You never eat this fast.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “So you watch me enough to know I do not eat fast? I knew you wanted me.”

“I know you are oftentimes one of the last guys done, yes. We eat together all the time, so of course I’ve noticed things about you. I will not admit to watching you specifically. I watch everyone.”

Sebastian grunted but resumed eating more slowly. When they were done, Sarah put the dishes in the dishwasher and began to clean up the rest of the kitchen.

That won’t do. Kissing is way more fun.

Sebastian came up behind her and pulled her into his chest with one arm, leaning down to place teasing little kisses on her neck. He pulled her hand between them with his other arm and planted it on his hardness. She moaned and her head fell back onto his shoulder.

Yes,
ma belle
, that’s more like it.
“We’ll finish those later,” he whispered. “Right now I’d rather have my dessert.”

Sebastian spun her away from the sink, picked her up, and then set her down on the counter. He pushed her legs apart with his torso and ravaged her mouth again, one hand on the back of her head as the other wrapped around her waist. As he stroked and caressed her, their bodies melded together in an intimate dance.

Sebastian was relentless, using his mouth and hands to stoke her arousal. Needing to get closer to her, his hands crept inside her sweater. Unhooking her bra, he freed her breasts then massaged them, using the rough pads of his thumbs to tease her nipples until they stood erect.

Sarah gasped and his erection twitched. She began to tremble, and he realized with no small measure of wonder that Sarah had come just from his kisses and a few touches to her breasts.

I have to have more. I need to be inside her.

Before he could formulate a plan, she knocked his hands away. “Why do you want me? I’m ten years older than you. You should be out having fun. I mean, God, if we were together, what would we do in ten years when I hit menopause and you’re just reaching your sexual peak?”

Sebastian let out a growl. He was getting tired of arguing with her about whether or not they should be together. “I am not like other guys, Sarah. I don’t need or want to sleep around. I found you. You’re it for me.
Merde,
I don’t give a damn about the age difference. I just want you. I want to bring you pleasure; to bring both of us pleasure.
Je n'aurais jamais te faire du mal
. I would never hurt you.”

“You don’t know that.”

He closed his eyes and prayed for self-control. “I want you so bad my entire body aches, but I’m trying to respect your wishes. I want to be with you, now, tonight. I want to make love to you, to make you come apart in my arms.” Sebastian stared at the floor and sighed. “If you can’t, I am not going to force you. But like I said before, this isn’t over.”

His voice rose, cracking with emotion as he continued. “I won’t let the best thing that’s ever happened to me besides my hockey career slip out of my hands. You know me well enough to know I am serious. I am not giving up.
Jusqu'à plus tard.
” He didn’t bother translating, fleeing the kitchen instead and making tracks out the door.

When he realized he had no way to get home, he shivered inside the parka he’d thankfully remembered to grab on his way out. Sebastian could call Rob, but a taxi might be quicker, especially since he had no idea if Rob was still in the middle of trying to help Rick. Plus, he was freezing. Hopefully there would be a taxi he could get out on Elmwood Avenue.

Chapter Eleven

Miserable from the whole tree debacle and subsequent losing of her sanity, Sarah snuck in a phone call with Marcy the next afternoon when she was finally able to go home. She relayed the story, including how she had awakened in the early morning from another nightmare and had been unable to fall asleep again. If she hadn’t mainlined coffee earlier she was sure complete sentences would be out of her grasp.

“So what you’re telling me is he came to your house, you guys made out for a while, and then you panicked and he left?”

“In a nutshell, yes.”

“Huh. Do you think that’s what triggered the nightmare? I mean, sure, the whole thing upset you, but I’m guessing the sexual stuff with Sebastian wasn’t overly traumatizing.”

Sarah chuckled, but there was no humor in it. “Not hardly. He’s a fabulous kisser and I’m sure he’d be great in bed. I don’t know what brought the stupid nightmare on again.”

“So what was the nightmare about? Was it that same one you’ve been having?”

“More or less. The same trying to run but not being able to, hearing someone behind me, feeling a crushing weight over me. Yeah, real fun stuff.” Tears started rolling down her face, and she brushed them away. She had no time for self-pity.

“Okay, let’s change the subject. Are you sure you’ll lose your job if you pursue this relationship with Sebastian? I mean, you’re both consenting adults.”

“I know, but it’s different. I wouldn’t want people thinking I’m giving him special treatment or that he’s getting something he hasn’t earned. It’s not like he’s an established veteran. Sebastian is fighting to keep a place on this team and if people believed he had an inside track because he’s dating me, it could be disastrous for both of us. You’ve seen what happens on those TV shows when people at work get involved with each other.”

Marcy laughed. “Yes, and those are TV shows, not real life, Sarah. This
is
real life. Things like this happen all the time.”

“Not to me they don’t.”

“That’s only because who in their right mind would date another person who worked in the Center of Applied Mathematics?”

Sarah chuckled. “What do you think I should do?”

“You should know me well enough by now to know I won’t answer that. Only you and Sebastian can determine how this will go.”

“So I guess that means I have to talk to him, huh?” Sarah’s head fell back against the fluffy pillows of the couch, and she smiled even though the idea of facing him filled her with both excitement and nervousness.

“It would appear that way.”

“Okay, fine. Now all I need is, say, twenty thousand people around us when I talk to him so I won’t tackle him, and I’ll be all set.”

****

After practice Sebastian rushed to Sarah’s house. He was way beyond tired of this back-and-forth. It had to end, even if it meant he and Sarah would never get together. Jon had yelled at him in practice for not having his head in the game and he needed to find some peace of mind before he lost everything he’d been working toward.

When she opened the door, he said, “We need to talk.” His tone brooked no disagreement and Sarah backed away from the door, allowing him entrance. “
Ma belle
, we need to deal with this,
now
. After practice today Ben demanded to know what the hell is wrong with me, and that was after Jon yelled at me during the drills.”

He pushed past her into the living room and collapsed onto the sofa. Sarah sat in the chair opposite but remained silent. “Sarah, I snapped at Ben because I’m so out of it. I disrespected my captain. I think the other guys are starting to notice something’s off too. None of them has said anything, but it’s only a matter of time. I can’t go on like this. Put me out of my misery, one way or the other. The mixed signals are confusing me and I can’t handle trying to figure you out anymore. I want you, that much is obvious. But what you want is a mystery.”

Focusing on his shoes while he tried to figure out how to start, how to tell Sarah everything churning inside him, Sebastian whispered, “Are you going as out of your mind as I am?
Je me sens comme une personne folle
. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep waiting and hoping. I need you to make a decision. Do you want me?”

Raising his gaze, he saw myriad emotions in Sarah’s eyes—want, need, fear. He hated this and what it was doing to both of them, but refused to give up until he’d used up every chance he had to make Sarah admit her feelings.

She cleared her throat. In a voice that was less than steady, she said, “Yes, I do.”

“You’re saying you want to be with me? Be honest and forget about all the other bullshit.”

“Yes, but…”

He dropped to his knees at her feet before taking her hands in his and kissing each knuckle. “I want to be with you more than anything,” he said. “I never thought something could be as important to me as my hockey career and then I met you. You made my entire world shift. I want to be with you, I want to see where this goes,
ma belle
. Please. I’m dying here.”

Was it possible he could have everything he’d dreamed about?

He stared into Sarah’s eyes, hardly able to believe this was happening. A tear tracked down her cheek and he gently brushed it away with his thumb. Her eyes betrayed so much emotion. Seeing her like this was killing him.

“Give up the fight, Sarah.” Pulling her onto the floor with him, he nuzzled into her neck. “Please,
mon amour
, please…
Laissez-moi tu aimer.
Let me love you.”