ShouldveKnownBetter (8 page)

Liam ignored her struggle, and when he breached her, everything shut down inside. She stopped fighting. It was no use.

Soon after he finished, she passed out, not coming to until he rolled or flipped her onto her stomach. He was lying on top of her back, pressing her into the couch with his weight. She begged him to stop, but he laughed, telling her she wanted it as badly as he did or she wouldn’t have accepted the drinks at the bar and flirted with him.

After what seemed like forever, he left and she curled into a ball. The panic rose as she tried desperately to squelch the screaming in her head, but it wouldn’t go away. She stayed in that position all night, terrified he would return.

She shuddered violently, only looking up when Nikolai put an arm around her. Sarah sent him a grateful, but sad smile, willing herself not to cry, but she couldn’t stop the shaking and Nikolai pulled her in tighter.

Recounting the entire horrific night had been insanely hard, but she was glad she’d done it. It was the first time she’d told someone other than close friends like Marcy, a fellow postdoc from Cornell, about it, and a brief wave of relief rolled through her.

“I never even turned him in. I know now it wasn’t my fault, but at the time… Plus, he was a respected up-and-coming researcher and the center where I worked was a small place. So in truth, I made two mistakes: letting him get me drunk and then not turning him in after he attacked me.”

It hadn’t been easy to admit her lapse in judgment, but it was obvious the guys were angry and upset on her behalf and she felt closer to them for having taken the leap of faith.  Rob shook his head like he couldn’t believe the incident had happened, then swore softly and looked away, his mouth drawn into a tight line. Sebastian’s fists were clenched in his lap and his eyes were shiny, as if he was trying to hold off tears himself. He mouthed, “Are you okay?”

She nodded and was relieved when he let it go. Now that she’d told them the story, she wanted to forget about the ghastly incident. Dwelling on it wouldn’t change what had happened—it wouldn’t do a damn thing to fix or erase that night. She needed to focus on the good things in her life or the attack would define her forever.

After a moment, Sebastian nodded, seemingly to himself, took a deep breath then said, “My friend and teammate in juniors died in a car accident. There was a blizzard, but he was trying to get home to his girlfriend. I still hate driving in snowstorms. It was a bad time for all of us.”

Sarah wanted to reach out to him but knew she couldn’t. If only they’d met under different circumstances. Right now they both needed comfort but couldn’t get it. He seemed to feel the same way, if the furtive glances he kept casting in her direction were any indication.

****

Out of sorts from the question-and-answer session, Sebastian went for a walk to get some exercise and blow off steam. When Sarah had started describing that horrible day, he’d had to force himself not to reach for her. His hands had itched to take away the abject fear he’d heard in her voice.

Pain shot through his arms. Once again, he’d clenched his fists to the point his knuckles were white. He needed to calm down before the obstacle course challenge. She didn’t need to know he wanted to choke that Liam guy until the man turned blue. He’d scare the hell out of her, and the last thing she needed right now was to be scared.

A fierce need to protect her rose in his chest, but at least thinking about holding Sarah in his arms enabled him to think about something other than her being attacked.

The walk relieved some of his tension, and later, the blue team, which he and Sarah were both on, along with a bunch of others, competed against the gold team on the obstacle course. Sarah, an expression of determination on her face, seemed to have recovered from the Introductions Game, and though he still wanted to fold her in his arms and never let go, he squelched the desire. In the middle of the obstacle course was not a good time to get distracted.

Working together, their team won the challenge by a few seconds. As they celebrated, they smashed together in a typical hockey group hug. Sarah, a few inches shorter and fifty pounds lighter than the smallest guy on the team, got jostled in the middle of the scrum. Sebastian grabbed her around the waist and picked her up, molding her body to his to shield her. Panic clear in her eyes, she pushed against his grip, and with no small measure of regret, he lowered her to the ground.

Sebastian squirmed as a rush of adrenaline, which had nothing to do with the obstacle course or needing to guard her and everything to do with the heat of their bodies melding together, surged through him. He was a jerk, getting aroused when she was uncomfortable with him—or probably any man right now, so soon after her confession—touching her, but she had that effect on him. She’d insisted they couldn’t be together, but his feelings were deepening and he didn’t know what to do.

A wave of anxiety stole over him. What if he didn’t even make the team? He might never see her again.

The possibility shook him to the core.

As training camp drew to a close, the time arrived for the roster to be pared to the final twenty-three players. Sebastian’s stomach churned at the possibility of being sent back to the minors. They had already dismissed the college and junior players and put two others on waivers. He’d done his best and could only hope it was good enough.

The entire team was on edge. Even the veterans who were assured of a spot milled around. Finally, they gathered everybody together in the stands and announced the roster.

When Sebastian heard his name on the list, a huge weight lifted off his shoulders. As a big grin broke out, he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. His teammates congratulated him, and after accepting heaps of backslapping, he excused himself.

He had to see Sarah, to talk to her. There was no one he wanted to celebrate with more than her. His parents were the only other people he wanted to tell, and even they would have to wait until later.

He’d spent the last couple of weeks finding reasons to stop by her office and defending her methods to some of the guys. With a shiver, he fully comprehended for the first time how important Sarah was to him.

He found her in her office watching video with her back to the door. He charged in, kicking the door shut behind him. She whirled in her chair, her hand flying up to cover her heart. “Sebastian, you scared me!” Her eyebrows drew down. “What?”

“They announced the final roster and I am on it. Did you have anything to do with that?” He was torn between wanting to know she went to bat for him and hoping she hadn’t had to.

“No. Jon and Keith solely were responsible for the final decisions. Doug and I gave them our analysis on each player, but that’s it.” Her eyes narrowed. “Why?”

Sebastian skirted the desk and pulled her out of her chair. “I wanted to know if the attraction between us affected you enough that you said something in my favor.” He bracketed her waist in his hands, marveling that his fingers nearly touched.

“No, Sebastian, I didn’t say anything special about you. That wouldn’t have been right.”

“But you can’t tell me you don’t feel this.”

Her gaze shifted away from his for a moment before returning. “I never said that.”

A flash of desire stole through him and he closed his eyes, praying for control. For him, this was more than just sexual attraction; he wanted to learn more about her. He loved being near her.

Sebastian opened his eyes and trapped Sarah between the wall and himself. She was so close he could see every detail, every little nuance in her expression. Want for her smoldered and flamed as his breath caught in his throat. Despite the ache pulsing in his chest, he tried to keep calm as he drank her in—everything from the delicate curve of her jaw to her eyes, those incredible eyes that were true windows to her soul.

Sarah didn’t take her gaze off him either, as if trying to preserve his features in her mind. Then she closed her eyes. When she opened them again, his nostrils flared at the heat blazing in her gaze.

It was clear she was fighting the urge to take this thing further, just like he was. She shared his feelings, and he had to resist jumping up and down and screaming it to the world. That would definitely not win points with her.

Unable to stop himself, he leaned still closer, sweeping his hands completely around her to hold her body flush to his. She melted in his arms as waves of attraction shook him. Her soft curves were heaven beneath his hands and his control slipped.

Surely his hardness pressing into her belly was obvious, but he didn’t care. He wanted her. When she peered up at him again, he groaned, the battle lost, and kissed her.

Sebastian felt like he’d bottled lightning as he took ownership of her mouth, pushing his tongue into her mouth, sweeping in frantic strokes. Then, wanting to explore as much of her as he could all at once, his hands were roving over her body, never stopping in one place. His erection twitched as he continued to kiss her.

He groaned again. He needed more.

He pulled back long enough to utter, “
J'ai besoin de tes baisers
. I need your kisses.”

He nibbled on her bottom lip. “
J'ai besoin de tu
. I need you.”

As desire threatened to overtake him, he tilted her head to continue his assault. She grasped his shoulders, her nails biting into his flesh, and moaned into his mouth. He let out a growl.

After too short a time, she pulled away, her eyes wide with regret.

A humorless smile tugged at his lips as he stepped back. “I know I wasn’t supposed to do that,” he said, his voice hoarse with emotion, “but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t.
Tu me fais le sentir fou
.” He shuddered. “
Merde
. You make me feel crazy.”

He turned away, picked up her stapler, set it back down, and then raked his hands through his hair so he wouldn’t touch her again. Sebastian never wanted her to feel threatened by him. He’d rather cut off his shooting arm.

“
Je pense à toi tout le temps
. God, I think about you all the time,” he said then bolted out the door. As he rushed down the hall, he considered what he’d done. He hadn’t wanted that to happen.

Dammit, that isn’t true.

Sebastian couldn’t deny he’d wanted to finally taste her, but not like that, so rushed and in the middle of her office. Even so, he couldn’t regret it. He had gotten a taste of paradise and now craved more. If luck was on his side, he’d have the entire season to get his fill of Sarah.   

Chapter Five

Sarah threw herself into the world of an NHL season: sleeping at odd times, eating a whole lot of chicken and pasta with the team before every game, and always being on the go. Despite not taking to the new sleep schedule very well, she was having the time of her life.

After one of the first road trips, her phone rang, waking her from a deep sleep. Caller ID showed “Marcy” a so she picked up, stifling a yawn. “Hello?”

“Sarah?”

“Yeah.” She squinted to see the time. Eight-thirty at night.
I don’t even remember lying down on the couch.

As Sarah struggled to wakefulness, Marcy caught her up on the gossip around Cornell. Sarah in turn told her the latest about the guys and her job.

Knowing she needed some perspective on this Sebastian thing, she confessed all that had happened recently, including that crazy make-out session in her office, the internal video of which played in her head on “Repeat.”

“So am I sick to want him? I am, aren’t I?”

“No, you’re not sick,” Marcy said. “Why would you think so? It’s a natural reaction. You’re only human.”

“Because I work for the team and I’m ten years older than him. It feels wrong on so many levels.”
But still turns me on.

Crap.

“Sarah, I’ve known you for a long time. You aren’t accepting in your heart what you think in your head is right, that there can be nothing between you and Sebastian. You can’t stop wanting him just because you think you should. Right?”

“Yeah, probably.” She wasn’t sure she could make her heart accept what her head insisted was right. “I don’t even know which way is up. I’m interested in Sebastian, like really,
really
interested. And you know it’s been a long time since I’ve been interested in any man.”

“Let me ask you this. Be honest. What’s truly holding you back? Do you think if you dated him, people would think it was unethical because of your role within the team, or is it something else?”

“What are you getting at?” Sarah frowned. She was biting her nail again. She’d never break the stupid habit if she kept letting everything get to her.

“Well, if you decide this man is what you want, you always have the option to quit.”

Quit?
Sarah’s eyebrows shot up. “I couldn’t do that. I told you, I love my job, and it’s not like people are beating down my door to offer me other great positions. Not that I have any interest in another position anyway. This job is perfect for me.” She sighed. “I feel like such a letch, like I’m hiding some dirty little secret.”

“Have you thought about dating someone else? Maybe that would help. You know, like baby steps.”

“Baby steps? That would hardly be a baby step.” The idea of dating someone else just to forget Sebastian seemed futile—he was everywhere she went. And, since the attack, she hadn’t been crazy about dating in general.

“When would I find time to meet someone? I don’t even have any friends here except people I’ve met through the team. I can’t exactly walk into a bar and pick up some random guy, can I?”

“Why not?” Marcy asked. “Women do it all the time.”

“Not this woman.” Sarah wrinkled her nose. “I could never do that, especially after what happened.” She closed her eyes, willing herself not to get upset like she had at boot camp. A heavy sigh escaped her.

“I’m sorry, hon. I spoke without thinking. Of course you shouldn’t do that. Speaking of that, though, have you found a therapist in Buffalo? Didn’t the one in Ithaca give you some recommendations?”