Show Business Is Murder (9 page)

“Happened to your Aunt Virginia,” she said solemnly.

Evelyn tried to picture her stout gray-haired aunt staggering. “When?”

“When Virginia was a young girl. At the Cedar Springs church picnic,” Granny said. “I know you'll find it hard to believe, but Virginia was a little bit of a thing then, and had platinum-blonde hair down to her hips. Wild as a March hare, too. Some boy dared her to eat a plant in a field. Your Aunt Virginia saw a brown horse eating it and figured it was safe. But it was rue. Her throat swelled up terrible. That girl liked to died. Couldn't get Virginia to touch anything green again, not even a plain old lettuce salad.”

Evelyn could see another little blonde eating a salad, then going out into the sweltering Fair Saint Louis sunshine. She could see her white throat swelling and closing up, and the blonde staggering and dying just before the paramedics arrived.

Then Evelyn saw herself taking back the fair assignment that was rightfully hers.

Granny had given her the solution to the Tiffany problem after all. In fact, she'd served it on a plate.

“What's this phenomenon called?” Evelyn asked.

“Photo . . . photo . . . photo-something,” Granny said.

Photosensitization.

“A pathological sensitivity caused by eating certain plants that are not ordinarily poisonous,” Evelyn's researches at the library revealed.

“A form of light dermatosis,” said one old book that was a virtual manual for poisoners. Evelyn couldn't risk checking it out, so she stole it from the library, burying it in her briefcase. At home, she read the section on photosensitization over and over, gloating over each sentence.

“Its symptoms are an inflammatory swelling of the ears, face, and eyelids, with throat and lung disturbances, dizziness and a tendency to stagger,” the book said. “When, in rare instances, death follows, it is due to mechanical asphyxia from the swelling of the nose and throat.”

Death would be nice, Evelyn thought. But she would settle for seeing the golden girl swell up like a red balloon. Maybe she'd pop, right on camera.

Evelyn giggled, but it was not a cute Tiffany Tyler Taylor giggle.

Her researches only got better: Rue and celery, especially the green leafy parts of celery, were rich in furanocourmarins. The name alone was enough to make you turn red and swell.

Some people were supersensitive to them. They'd get a horrible sunburn-like reaction. The lighter-skinned you were, the more intense the reaction. Especially if you went out into the sun.

And if you were taking a drug like Coumadin, it further intensified the reaction, Evelyn read. Lots of people took the
blood thinner Coumadin. It was also the main ingredient in rat poison.

All Evelyn had to do was make a nice salad with rue and celery, then spice it with a little rat poison. Not enough to make a brunette sick. Just enough to blow up a little blonde.

It was so easy.

Evelyn knew where to get the rue plants. The pasture near Granny's was filled with them.

Evelyn knew how she would serve them, too. She'd make a field greens salad, then add the rue. It was a field green, too. When people were chomping baby oak leaves and stuff that looked like it had been raked off a lawn, who'd notice some rue? Then she'd sprinkle on green celery leaves for color. Everyone used celery.

A cheese dressing would disguise any bitter taste.
I'll make raspberry vinaigrette with Gorgonzola,
she thought.
I'll add walnuts and dried cranberries to make it nice and healthy
.

For everyone but Tiffany.

For good measure, she'd Cuisinart a little rat poison and add it to the dressing. It would blend in with the herbs and spices. She'd calculate exactly the medicinal dose for a small woman—divided by three salad eaters. Sun, celery, rue—and rat poison. Tiffany would rue the day she went after anything of Evelyn's.

There was one problem. How would she get Tiffany to eat the salad? Everyone knew Evelyn hated the woman. She barely said hello to Tiffany in the newsroom. She had one month to make friends with her enemy: Evelyn would have to swallow her pride so Tiffany would swallow her salad.

Next morning, Evelyn walked into Margaret's office and said, “You're right. It's time I buried the hatchet.”

“In Tiffany's forehead?” Margaret said, suspiciously.

“For real,” Evelyn said. “Yesterday, I had some time to think about what you said. I'm only hurting myself. I want to
take Tiffany to lunch. My treat. Would you come as referee?”

“Delighted,” Margaret said, her pale face turning pink with pleasure. “I'm so happy you're taking my advice.”

Tiffany was wary when Evelyn invited her, even when she explained that Margaret would be there, too. But she could not resist Evelyn's handsome apology. “I've behaved stupidly, Tiffany,” she said. “I want this lunch to be a peace offering.”

Tiffany looked flattered. She considered Evelyn's olive branch a tribute to her power. During a two-hundred-dollar lunch at a premier power spot, Tiffany prattled on about her favorite subject—herself.

“Tiffany Too and I are the marshals for the Hill Day parade,” she said, while the worshipful waiter refilled Tiffany's water glass, and forgot Evelyn's.

The Hill was the Italian section of the city. “Your dog will love the fire hydrants,” said Evelyn. “They're painted red, white, and green.”

“Oh, no, she isn't allowed out of the parade marshal's convertible,” Tiffany said seriously. “Not in those crowds.”

Tiffany babbled on. Mentor Margaret smiled benignly. Evelyn cut her swordfish into smaller and smaller pieces until the waiter took her plate away. No one ordered dessert. The reconciliation lunch was over, and declared a success.

Evelyn suffered through two more Tiffany lunches with Margaret's approving company. Because she silently endured Tiffany's monologues, the beastly blonde now considered Evelyn her friend.

“I can talk to you,” she said. “You're such a good listener.”

Peace was declared. The nasty newsroom rumors ceased, and the gossip mongers went after the noonshow anchor, who was having an affair with the consumer reporter. The jokes about what she was consuming were relentless.

At their third lunch, Tiffany finally gave Evelyn the opening she needed.

“I'm not looking forward to covering the fair,” Tiffany said, sighing dramatically. Evelyn knew Tiffany was dying for an excuse to talk about her big assignment. At least, Evelyn hoped the twit would be dying.

“It's going to be such a long day,” Tiffany cooed. “Almost ten hours. The station is keeping Tiffany Too in the air-conditioned satellite truck. My little puppy will be cool, but I'll be out on the hot fairgrounds all day from eleven o'clock on.”

Evelyn ground her teeth as she thought of Tiffany's taking over her assignment, but she forced herself to sound sympathetic. “That is a long day. What are you doing about lunch?”

Tiffany shuddered delicately. “I can either eat the station's food—tuna salad and ham sandwiches—all fat—or the fair food—hot dogs and buffalo burgers. Yuck.”

Actually, the fair offered delicacies from chicken satay to, yes, buffalo burgers. But how would Tiffany know? She'd never covered the fair.

“I come in at noon,” Evelyn said. “How about if I bring salads for you, me, and Margaret? I have this terrific recipe, with field greens, Gorgonzola, walnuts, and dried cranberries. A good healthy salad will get us through the day.”

“Super!” said Tiffany. “You're a lifesaver!”

Yeah,
thought Evelyn.
I'm saving my life. And my career
.

The night before the fair, Evelyn drove to the pasture near Granny's and climbed over the fence. Her pants were full of stickleburrs and her hands were scratched with brambles, but she picked the plants she needed by moonlight. The lights were off at her grandmother's house. Deep shadows along the pasture fence hid Evelyn. Even the night conspired to help her.

In the morning, she concocted the salad, adding the freshly picked rue to the store-bought field greens. She made her salad dressing with a carefully calibrated dose of
rat poison. It was the exact dosage for one small healthy woman. Divided by three, of course. Because they'd all be sharing the salad.

She put the salad into a big disposable bowl. She would make sure everyone saw there was only one salad container. At lunch, she served the salad on paper plates, dividing the poisonous portions exactly in three.

“Delicious,” Tiffany said, eating her salad greedily.

“Perfection!” said Margaret. Evelyn was too excited to eat. She forced herself to finish her salad.

After lunch, Evelyn gathered up the serving bowl, paper plates, and forks; even the napkins. After Margaret and Tiffany left, Evelyn threw the trash into an overflowing can at the far end of the fair. The incriminating remains would be taken away by the trash haulers long before Tiffany's first symptom.

All three women worked in the sweltering afternoon sun. Tiffany, with Margaret's award-winning assistance, was interviewing the big stars performing on the main stage. Evelyn went with Rick the cameraman for what he called “Bubba bites”—sound bites from dreary fairgoers.

After they interviewed a hefty woman from Herculaneum and a downright fat man from Florissant with two chubby children, Rick whispered to Evelyn, “Is there a weight requirement for this fair? Do you have to weigh at least two hundred pounds to get in the gate?”

Evelyn loved his misanthropic remarks. The sun was beating on her with almost physical blows. Sweat dripped off her nose. She knew on camera her face would look oily and her hair would look French-fried. She prayed that same sun was working on Tiffany's white skin.

When they heard sirens near the main stage, Rick said, “Maybe one of the fairgoers melted. Let's go see if there's some video.”

More sirens screamed. Now police cars, fire trucks, and
an ambulance were heading toward the main stage. The music stopped abruptly.

“What happened?” Evelyn asked a woman running from the area, clutching her baby protectively.

“Some TV lady started staggering around and grabbing her throat,” the woman said. “Her face swelled up something awful. Even her eyes were swollen shut. She looked horrible. I didn't want my Becky to see it.”

Yes!
thought Evelyn triumphantly, but she made concerned noises.

Rick was running surprisingly fast for someone with a heavy video camera. He loped past Evelyn. Other fairgoers were running after him, eager to see the tragedy. Evelyn felt a sharp elbow in her ribs. A small boy darted between her legs and she fell on the dry grass.

By the time Evelyn brushed herself off, the excitement was almost over. She saw the paramedics loading a stretcher with a small figure strapped to it. The figure was absolutely still, although the ambulance left with lights flashing and sirens howling.

Evelyn composed her face into a sorrowful mask to hide her glee. She didn't know if Tiffany was sick or dead, but she was definitely out of action. The fair was hers now. Evelyn would return to her rightful place on camera.

She went looking for Margaret. The satellite truck would be the logical choice. At least someone there could tell her where Margaret was. Evelyn was about to enter when the door opened slowly. Out stepped Tiffany. Her hated rival looked disgustingly healthy.

“How? What?” was all a stunned Evelyn could manage.

“Oh, Evelyn,” said Tiffany, her blue eyes tearing artistically. “Margaret started gasping and choking and staggering around like she was having some kind of fit. Nobody knew what happened to her, and by the time the ambulance got
there, she wasn't breathing at all. It was terrible. They don't think she's going to make it.”

“Margaret?” Evelyn said. “Are you sure?”

What had gone wrong? Margaret was a brunette. If rue plants made blondes sick, why was Tiffany well and Margaret dying? Damn Granny and her crazy country remedies.

Blonde Tiffany had eaten no more salad than anyone. But brunette Margaret had the severe symptoms. Evelyn had eaten the greens, too, and they'd had no effect on her. They certainly weren't poisonous to one brunette—why another?

“I must see Margaret,” Evelyn said.

But Jason, her producer, stopped her. “I'm sorry, Evelyn,” he said. “You can't do anything for Margaret. We need you to carry on with the fair coverage.”

But she couldn't. Evelyn couldn't concentrate. She missed her first cue for the live remote at the food booths. When she was finally on the air, she looked sweaty and disheveled. Several viewers called the station, asking if Evelyn was drunk. But it was shock, not booze, that slurred her speech.

Evelyn's “Bubba bites,” the interviews with the boring fairgoers, were dropped to make room for the special report on the death of Emmy-award-winning producer Margaret Smithson.

Tiffany narrated that report. Everyone agreed that she did a splendid job, showing just the right amount of professional sympathy. Tiffany's story about sharing her salad with the deceased was especially touching.