Shut Out (24 page)

I walk into the meeting room at SAPAP. I look at Victoria. “What was Jacob doing here?”

She smiles. “That guy is amazing.”

My heart squeezes. I know that. And I screwed up.

“He came to put forward an idea to me. I'm not going to say much about it until I know we can do it, but I'm super excited about it.” She pauses. “He was very complimentary to you.”

“H-he was?”

“Yes. About your training skills.” Her eyes crinkle up at the corners. “But we already knew that. You got excellent ratings on the feedback we collected from participants.”

“Oh wow.” My heart bumps against my breastbone. “That's so nice to hear.”

Maybe he doesn't hate me…

I try to focus on the topic of our meeting, super curious about Jacob's proposal. What is he proposing to do?

I need to talk to him. If he doesn't hate me, at least I can apologize to him. He was right there in front of me and I wanted to do it, but this wasn't the time or place. I don't know what the right time or place is. I'm terrified but determined.

I don't know what Jacob's schedule is like now that classes are done, and right now I have to get to a shift at the diner. Frustration mounts inside me, a feeling of hot pressure. I'll figure it out. Maybe after I get off work at ten I can find him and talk to him.

I rush home to grab a bite to eat and change into my uniform, and then I drive to the diner. Mondays aren't usually busy, anyway, and tonight it's extra quiet, with most people studying for exams.

Then some of Jacob's teammates come in.

My quick assessment tells me he's not with them. Not that this would be the time or place to have our discussion either, but…I want to see him.

The guys are weirdly subdued. They greet me with polite smiles. “Hey, Skylar.”

“Hi, guys. What can I get you?”

They place their orders, all of them having some variation of hamburger, and hand me their menus. When I return with drinks, they're talking quietly and seriously. I hear the words “suspension” and “injured” and “don't know if he can play in Florida.”

Immediately my nerves go on alert. Are they talking about Jacob? Is he hurt? How would that have happened? Their last game was over a week ago and I know he wasn't hurt then. The suspension couldn't be him. He's a hard, physical player but not a dirty player. He hardly ever even takes penalties.

I want to ask but bite my lip as I set drinks in front of them. I meet Ben's eyes and his are full of concern. My insides tighten.

When I get back to the counter and turn around, Ben has followed me. “Hey,” he says. “You heard from Flash?”

I smile wistfully at the nickname. “No. We don't, uh…I haven't talked to him for a while.”

Ben frowns. “Yeah, he said you two were cooling off. But it seemed weird to me. You were crazy into each other.”

“Yeah, well…” I swallow and drop my eyes. “Stuff happens.”

Cooling off? That's what he told his friends?

“I guess it does. He's been pretty messed up the last few weeks, though.”

My gaze snaps back up to his. “Messed up?”

“Yeah. Really down. Distracted. He played crappy those last two games against UN Omaha.” He's eyeing me with a disturbing intensity. “Shit kinda hit the fan today.”

“What? What happened?” I actually clutch his forearm, filled with dread and concern for Jacob.

“He got in a fight. With Black Jack.”

“A fight? Oh dear God.” I stare at Ben. “Is he okay?”

“Um, mostly. We're not sure what's going to happen to both of them. It sucks.”

“What were they fighting about?” I can't comprehend this.

“Black Jack was being an asshole. He was giving Jacob shit about interfering with him and your friend Ella the other night.”

I sense his disdain as he says “your friend Ella” and my back stiffens. We may never be best friends again, and she may be getting something of a rep on campus, but I still care about her.

“Flash wasn't taking his shit and…well, we pulled them off each other before one of them got killed or something, but Coach came in, and like I said, shit hit the fan.”

“Oh no.” I cover my mouth with both hands. My heart is racing and I can hardly think straight. “Oh my God.” I suck in a breath. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah. A little banged up.”

“Where is he?”

“At home.” One corner of his mouth lifts. “Sulking alone in his room, like he has most of the last two weeks.”

I bite my bottom lip. “I was going to go over after work, anyway. Now I will for sure.”

Ben nods. “Good. I think he might like to see you.”

“I'm not so sure of that,” I whisper. “I…kind of screwed up.”

Ben lifts an eyebrow. “How so?”

“I, uh, found out something about him…”

Ben's eyes narrow. “You heard about the rape accusation.”

“You know?”

“Yeah. He told me a while back, one night we both got hammered on tequila watching
How It's Made.
” His face tightens. “That really sucked for him. They made an example out of him and his buddies when that girl trashed them. It could've ended his hockey career.”

“You believe he didn't rape her.”

“Fuck yeah.” Ben frowns at me. “I haven't known the dude very long, but he's the last guy who'd do something like that.”

Shame heats my belly. “Yes. You're right.”

I should've known that better than anyone.

“I mean, he admits he was there and he was going to…well, you should hear it from him.” Ben eyes me with a cool expression. “You broke up with him because of that?”

Break up. How do you break up with someone who's not really your boyfriend? But I can't explain that to him. “Basically, yeah,” I admit.

“He just fought with a guy who was saying ugly things about your friend, and women in general. Jesus.” Ben gives me a disappointed look.

That burn in my belly intensifies. “I know I was wrong. I know what kind of guy he is. I need to tell him that and apologize.”

Ben eyes me and nods. “Good luck. And I say that because I think he really cares about you.”

He turns and strides back to the table. He cares about Jacob. That makes my heart hurt. Jacob didn't even know these guys when he started at Bayard in September. He thought they hated him. They don't hate him.

And Ben thinks Jacob cares about me?

My eyes sting and I have to blink back tears as I go take orders at another table.

Taisha notices that I'm upset. “Hey, girl, you okay?”

“Yeah. Just a little shaken up about something that happened today.”

I'd asked Taisha to go out for something to eat with me the other night. She and her friends already had plans to go for sushi, but she invited me along. It was fun hanging out with them. I told her a little about me and Jacob, that things were over and I was kind of bummed about it, so she was sympathetic.

“What happened?”

I tell her what I just heard about Jacob's fight. “I'm worried about him. If he gets suspended…I don't know what that'll mean for him. He's so worried about losing his hockey career…Long story.”

I know how much this means to him, and now I know why he was so afraid of losing it all. Why he was trying so hard to stay out of trouble. Only…he got in a fight because some jerk was being an asshole about Ella.

Will he be suspended? He can't lose his hockey career because of that. It wouldn't be right.

“Go on. Go to him. I'll cover for you.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I'm sure. It's dead here.”

This is true. And right now Jacob's home alone because his housemates are here. I go to the break room and grab my purse and coat and race out of there.

I've lost Skylar and now I've probably lost my hockey career.

Not only am I in danger of being suspended or kicked off the team, there's no way in hell I can concentrate on studying. I have two exams on Wednesday and I'm staring blankly at my notes, sitting at my desk in my room. The blasting music of Kanye West probably isn't helping me concentrate, but it suits my mood.

My head is aching and my right hand hurts like a mother, but apparently I didn't break anything when it connected with Black Jack's face. His nose, however, is definitely broken. This is not good.

Coach was pissed but calm when he met with me alone. He asked me to tell him what happened. I struggled with how much to say. I'm not a snitch, despite my loathing for Black Jack. But I admitted to hitting him. Coach listened without saying much. Then he nodded and said he'd have to discuss this with the head of the hockey program to see what should be done.

I get that.

I fucked up. Again.

It all got to be too much for me. I miss Skylar. It fucking hurts that she thinks so little of me, and I have to admit the reason it hurts so much is because I care. Goddammit. That night I went to see her I wanted to apologize for being a dick and getting scared and being selfish. I wanted to tell her how I really feel about her, hoping she might feel the same. What was happening between us wasn't an act, no matter how many times we said it was.

But she hates my guts and that makes me want to puke.

On top of that, I didn't play my best at the end of the season. Then that asshat Black Jack and his fucking ugly comments and sense of entitlement and…The worse thing is, I see a little of myself in that attitude.

Embarrassment heats my veins, remembering the night I met Skylar and I was talking about the girls who were after me. God. No wonder she hadn't been impressed with me. What a dipshit I was.

I lean my head back and close my eyes. Fuck. This is hopeless. I'm going to fail these exams and even if I don't get some kind of punishment for what happened today, I'll be out on my ass.

My eyes burn, like I'm about to cry.

Jesus. Sack up, dude. You can't just let this happen.

I was in a tough situation before and I fought my way out of it. I worked my ass off all summer to improve my mental and physical conditioning. I moved here where I knew no one, to play for an unknown team and take college courses. I fucking did it. I'm not going to give up now.

I rub my eyes and sit up straight.

I hear Skylar's voice telling me sometimes you have to work hard for the things you want. She's an example of that. Working her ass off to get good marks. Working her ass off to try to make her parents happy. Going through hell and coming out of it strong and brave and sweet.

My life was easy up until this year. I got myself into a bad situation and it threw a wrench into my plans. I never had to work so hard in my life as I have since Brittany accused me, Ace, and Crash of raping her. I was bitter about that, bitter and angry and frustrated.

But maybe I've learned something about myself this year. Life was easy. I was talented. Everyone supported me. Then they didn't…and I had to do it on my own.

And I did.

I'm strong. Determined. Tough. I believed in myself when others didn't.

Even Skylar, dammit.

I can do this. I
have
to do this. There are other ways to get into the NHL…

“Jacob…”

I nearly fall off my chair at hearing her voice. I whip around and stare at her, standing in my bedroom doorway. “Sky.” I blink. “What are you doing here?”

She stands there looking so damn beautiful. She clasps her hands in front of her and tension lines her face. Her black coat is open over her pink waitress uniform. “Sorry to just walk in.” She's nearly yelling the words over my blasting music. “I rang the doorbell a couple of times and you didn't answer, but I knew you were home, so I decided to come in and…” She waves a hand. “I guess you didn't hear the bell over the music.”

I reach over and turn it down. “Yeah. Guess not.” I swivel in my chair again to face her. “Why are you here?”

She twists her fingers together. “I was going to come to see you, anyway, but I talked to Ben at the diner, and he said that…you got in a fight today.”

My jaw tightens. “Yeah.”

She bites her bottom lip. So cute. “What happened?”

I curse under my breath. “It was so fucking stupid.”

“Fighting usually is.” Our eyes meet. “Unless it's, you know, on the ice and part of the game.”

I smile at that. She hates fighting even on the ice, but somehow I've convinced her that it's part of the game. “Black Jack was pissed about my stepping in the other night with Ella.” My forehead tightens. “I know you two aren't talking much…did you know about it?”

She nods slowly. “She came and talked to me that night. She told me what happened.” The corners of her mouth turn down. “Thank you, Jacob. If you hadn't done that…” She closes her eyes.

I nod. “Well, Black Jack's pissed at me about it. He came into the dressing room and was mouthing off and I…lost it. I punched him in the nose. We threw down and…” I shrug and stare at the floor.

“Ben said you might be in trouble about it.”

“Yeah. Coach is talking to the head of the program about what kind of disciplinary action needs to happen.”

“Oh, Jacob.”

“Yeah, I know.” I rub the back of my neck. “I was supposed to stay out of trouble. Stupid thing is, I'm not a fighter. That wasn't the kind of trouble I ever envisioned getting into.” I give a short laugh. “I guess we'll see what happens.”

“What did Jack say?”

“Eh. Crude stuff. He's an asshole. Also, he knows about me being accused of rape. He was a pig about it.” I sigh. “I guess everyone knows about it now.”

“Ben said
he
knew.”

“Yeah.” I narrow my eyes at her. “You two had quite the conversation, eh?”

One corner of her mouth lifts. “We talked a bit, yes.”

“You said you were going to come over, anyway…?”

“Right.” She swallows. “I want to apologize to you. I know I hurt you when I believed that you had raped someone.”

My insides start shaking. “You don't believe it anymore?”

“No.” She meets my eyes, and hers are glowing. “You would never do something like that.”

“How do you know that?” I lift my chin, my teeth set.

“Because I know you.” She takes a step into my room. “You've always treated me so well. Considerate and gentle and…generous. I've heard the things you said in the training classes. And you stepped in and helped Ella.” She takes a breath. “I got the impression you were uncomfortable with the training topics, and now I know why. But it wasn't because you were guilty.”

I swallow, my throat thick. Her words mean so goddamn much to me. “Yeah, actually, it was.”

She eyes me curiously.

“I came to realize I'd done something stupid, despite the fact that I never touched that girl. I swear to you, Skylar, she said she wanted to do it. I even asked her if she was sure and she just kept taking her clothes off.”

She winces but says, “Tell me about it.”

I inhale slowly. “Okay. Last April, I was at a house party with a bunch of my teammates. The Warriors. We were drinking and there were a bunch of girls there. One of them—Brittany—wanted…” He swallows. “She wanted a hat trick. Meaning, she wanted to have sex with three hockey players at the same time. With my buddies Ace and Crash and me.”

Her hand goes to her throat as she listens.

“We all went upstairs. There was lots of dirty talk and laughing and we all got naked.”

She closes her eyes briefly and nods.

“I started to have misgivings about it. I didn't realize why at the time. I didn't feel comfortable with it. But Ace and Crash…went for it. I left to go take a leak, and when I went back in I just wanted to leave. I asked Brittany if she was sure…and I tried to tell the guys this wasn't a good idea…but it was too late, they were already…well, they were already apparently having a good time. I grabbed my clothes, and I…left.” I pause. “I didn't have sex with her.”

“Oh.” She swallows.

“The next day Brittany went to the police with her parents and told them that we had gang-raped her.”

Skylar's eyes widen.

“There was a big investigation. Ace, Crash, and I were all suspended from the team. There was talk that every player who was at the party should be suspended, but that didn't end up happening. In the end, after they talked to other people at the party, there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute us. There were people there who saw her asking us. There were people who saw us all go upstairs, including me, but there were also people there who thought they saw me leaving. Crash and Ace admitted I wasn't there, and they maintained that Brittany wanted it. But still, we got kicked off the team. We'd made the playoffs. We had high hopes of going all the way. But the league wanted to make an example of us, because some other guys got in similar trouble and all got off. So we were out.”

I bend my head, and embarrassed that my hands are shaking, I clasp them together. “I had to pull out of the draft because of it. I thought my hockey career was over.” I pull air into my tight lungs. “But my coach and GM and my folks did some digging around, and pulled some strings, and they found this school that was willing to take me even with my baggage. As long as I stayed clean and kept my grades up.”

“You didn't rape her.”

“No. Lots of people didn't believe that. It pissed me off. Honestly, I'm not sure if the team believed me. Even if they did, they were pissed that it happened and drew all that negative attention to them. It was a stupid thing for me to do. But they at least tried to help me out. Looking back…” I close my eyes and tip my head back. “I'll never know for sure what happened. Ace and Crash insisted she didn't say no, ever. But maybe she did. Maybe they were drunker than I thought. I want to believe those guys would have stopped if she said no, but…” I squeeze my eyes shut. “I've kind of been enlightened about some stuff since I came here.” I open my eyes and meet hers. “After hearing what happened to you, I can't stand the idea that she might have been trying to get them to stop. And that I was responsible.”

“How were you responsible?”

“I shouldn't have left. I had misgivings and I should have stayed and got them to stop. I should have known she might have been too drunk to consent.” I suck in air. “The guilt is fucking killing me.”

“Oh, Jacob.” She bites her lip. “I understand why you feel that way. But you're not responsible for what happened. Like I'm not responsible for Brendan taking his own life.”

“I could have done things differently.”

“Yes. So could I.”

I hold her gaze. “Yeah. I get it.”

“I'm sorry. So sorry I didn't believe you at first.” She swallows. “It's sort of a trigger for me, obviously. I wasn't thinking straight. I was all emotional about it. But when I thought about the kind of man you are…I knew.”

My heart swells up huge in my chest. “Thank you.”

“It's all…it's confusing. It's not black and white.”

“What isn't?”

“Sex. Consent.”

I huff out a laugh and rub the back of my neck. “No shit.”

“I've seen the girls after you.” She closes her eyes. “I don't like it, but I understand it. I saw the girls who went after the football players, the basketball players…now I'm one of them.”

“Skylar. It's not like that with us.”

“I know. I don't think it is. But it's hard to sort it all out…a woman's right to go after what she wants. To enjoy sex as much as she wants and not be called ugly names. And not be forced to do something she
doesn't
want to.”

Fuck. My insides heat up. “I know what you're saying. I'm having a hard time figuring it all out too. It made me so glad I had you, and that I trusted you and you trusted me. At least you did, until I screwed up and got scared because I cared so damn much.” I suck in a breath. “Anyway. Maybe you and I…maybe we can try to help other people make sense of it. That's why I went to Victoria today.”

Skylar's eyebrows pucker. “I wondered what you were doing there.”

I tell her about my ideas and she seems impressed.

“I wanted to work on that with you. But I thought I'd screwed it all up.”

“I'm sorry. I reacted badly. I've been stressed and worried about Ella, and I was stressed and worried about you, even before that happened.”

Sadness filters through me. “I know. I was acting like a dick. I'm sorry too, Sky.” I pause. “This year's been tough. But now you know why. Why I have to stay out of trouble. Why I have to keep my marks up. Why I need to play my best hockey, so the scouts will see I'm good and forget about how I screwed up. So I can enter the draft this year.”

“I know how much that means to you.” She eyes me. “What's going to happen?”

“I don't know.” I swallow, but I lift my chin. “Whatever happens, I'll figure out how to deal with it.”

“Why did you stop calling me? Was it because of what happened with Brendan?”

“What?”

“Rape is a hard thing to deal with. Some guys see women as ‘damaged goods' after that.”

“Jesus Christ.” I jump out of my chair, horrified that she thinks I would see her that way. “No! Is that what you thought?”

“It crossed my mind.”

“Christ.” I scrub my hands over my face. “Christ, no. No.”

“Then…why? What happened?”

“I got scared.” I move right in front of her and stare into her eyes. “Fuck. When you dropped all that knowledge on me about what happened with Brendan, that was heavy-duty shit. And then your best friend was mad at you, and I…felt overwhelmed. I kept telling myself those weren't my problems and I should back off and let you deal with them. I had enough problems of my own, trying to do well in my courses and play the best hockey I can and make up for what I did before. I thought that was the best thing to do.”