Sidelined (19 page)

“I didn’t reject you, Levi. Not because I found out you were…that I…about Liv.”

“You left, right after Bo told you. Right after I finally remembered everything about that night. You left because…”

“I left because I’d just gotten off the phone with my boss; I’d just lost my job for admitting that I was in a sexual relationship with you. And I walked back into your room in time to hear you tell Bo you loved him with all your heart. I didn’t hang around after that.”

“And you believed it?”

“You did call me Bo once during sex. You were reeling from losing him that night back in October. It all added up. You chose me, because I look like him. Without the long flowing mane. So what was I supposed to think? Yeah, I shouldn’t have left. But I’d just gotten kicked in the gut not two minutes before. I couldn’t take anymore.”

“I thought he was you. I thought it was just the two of us in the room. Because I let myself fall in love with you. And…you don’t know me, Tracy. You only think you do. I’m some fantasy to you. Nobody knows me. Not Jude, not even Bo.”

“Because you won’t let anyone close enough. You hide behind one persona or another. Levi Brody or Liv…what was it, Saint Sank…You’re the poster boy for the perfect NFL on one side and a wild child in body glitter on the other. When I’m betting the real Levi is somewhere in the middle. I bet I met him these past two weeks, and you didn’t even notice.”

He sat there, eyes vague, his pink lips slightly pursed. Tracy had seen him make that same face so many times over the last few weeks. But without the makeup. “Talk to me, Levi. Let me inside.”

“I don’t know how.” There was so much anguish in his eyes. He lowered his head and eased his arm down to rest on Tracy’s hand. “I’ve hidden for so long. I can’t stand myself sometimes. Because I couldn’t stand up with Bo and shut up the hate talk. Because they’d figure out that he was fucking me. I could only be with him in public as Liv. And I’m Liv when I can’t stand being Levi anymore. I just want to be normal.”

“Normal is overrated, honey, believe me, I’ve seen normal. And most normal is just as fucked up as anything else.” He ran his hand up Levi’s arms. “I’m sorry I walked out. I was scared and angry. I have a temper sometimes. So I walk away when I’m on the verge of losing my shit.”

“You have a temper? Nooo! I didn’t notice,” Levi smiled then. A real smile that made his eyes sparkle. He looked at Tracy’s hand on his arm, and that smile faded away. “My father is Joseph Grantham. My mom had me when she was seventeen. He was the associate pastor at her church, and he seduced her. She never told a soul who my father was. She bore the stigma of having a child out of wedlock. Her parents threw her out. He rented a house for her in Summerville. It was a nice house. And she had what she needed as long as she never said a word about him.”

“Joseph Grantham? You mean
the
Joseph Grantham. The televangelist.” Levi just nodded and looked away. “He’s from Mobile, I’d forgotten that.”

“Jude and I have half brothers and sisters. We’ve never met them. But they look just like us. I see them on television sometimes. All of them younger than Jude. But he was married when he knocked up my mother. He couldn’t leave her alone either. He stopped in every time he came through town. He needed to see his sons. His boys. When I was seven, he came home to find me playing dress-up with the neighbor girl. I was wearing her tutu. We had dance classes together. He tore the tutu to pieces. And beat the crap out of me and then my mother. After that, it was football. And he’d send one of his people over to inspect the house. They thought he was just her landlord. If there was a mention of anything out of order, he’d come back. I was gender confused, I guess would be the best way to describe it. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t play dolls with the girl next door. Or be friends with her. Or take ballet. Do you understand now?”

Tracy could see nothing wrong with wanting to play dolls. He’d played with his fair share of them. “But you excelled at football. And…”

“I love football. Don’t get me wrong. Once I started playing. It was beautiful. I’m not fond of baseball or basketball, but football, I got. Throw the ball and move fast enough not to get tackled. Once I figured out that I wanted to be tackled, football became tricky. I was twelve the summer it all went to hell. He’d come to town to spend time with his parents. And I was roaming around on my own by then. He caught me making out behind the Dairy Queen. With a boy.”

“Oh hell.” Tracy suddenly remembered Grantham’s stance on gays. “He ran a conversion therapy camp back then.”

“Still does. They just pretend it doesn’t exist now. He’s still an asshole bigot.”

“You went to that camp, didn’t you?” Levi nodded and looked away. He squeezed Tracy’s hand and swallowed hard. “Fuck.”

“Yeah.” He wiped his eyes, smearing his liner. “I don’t remember a great deal of it. I was on my knees in prayer a lot. But I wouldn’t break. Every time I told him to fuck off…the whole book of Revelation is around eleven thousand words. Did you know that? He had a verse tattooed onto me every time I refused to renounce the demon in me. He marked me with that book because he said I was the anti-Christ. The tattoo artist… I shouldn’t say artist…he refused to tattoo 666 on my forehead. At least, I had that to be grateful for.”

Tracy traced the edges of the tattoo looking for words, he found inked patches and some designs but nothing he’d call a word. “You covered the old ink up. This suits you. But I guess you wouldn’t think so.”

“I was twelve. And maybe a little over five foot tall, I don’t remember. I was skinny too. I’m six two now, and a good bit heavier. It stretched out becoming unreadable on its own. I just added to it to make it look better. I’m not ashamed of it. I don’t hide it. It’s just I…who am I kidding? I’m supposed to be some kind of role model for kids. I’m supposed to be upstanding and lily white in a game that’s increasingly nothing more than a haven for criminals. I’m supposed to be the poster boy you accused me of being. Especially after Bo came out. Management didn’t know Dale Shannon made me his roommate to give him an outlet so he didn’t have to bench him. I was Bo’s whore, I guess. Maybe I’m still pissed about that. Maybe I wish Sunday had stayed dead, because for the first time in my life, I had something that came close to being a relationship with a man that didn’t leave me…and it wasn’t real. It was never real. I’ve never had anything real. Not even Jude…he’s my brother, and I love him, and I’m sure he loves me. But he doesn’t respect me. He thinks I’m—“

“He was fighting like hell to keep you out of jail, because he knew you didn’t do that. It’s your daddy issues that are keeping the two of you apart. And before you deny that, tell me what happened after the camp. Because parts of your story aren’t adding up.”

“Well, excuse me to fuck, asshole. I don’t have to tell you anything, and you can get out of my house.” Tracy caught his raised hand before he could lash out. “Let me go.”

“If you hit me, I’ll flatten you. I’ve never hurt you, Levi. I’m not going to start now. But I’m trying to figure out what part of growing up in a shit trailer park jibes with the almost bucolic life you’re describing so far. I mean, besides the torture camp.”

“I wasn’t going to hit you.” Levi went limp, his arm, his whole body. As if he’d just given up, the whipped dog look in his eyes stabbed Tracy in the heart. “I’ve never hit a soul. Why would you think I’d start now?”

Tracy hung his head and shook it. Maybe he’d over reacted. Maybe Levi was just pointing at the door. “Because I dated a guy who liked to hit. In college. I was on the football team. He’d hit me and then threaten to tell the coaching staff that I was abusive. In the end, I think that was the reason I quit the team. Maybe I’m not as well adjusted as I thought.”

Levi sat quietly watching him, his eyes shimmering. He nodded and looked away as he sniffed. “He took me in the middle of the night. My mother fighting him the whole time. He didn’t want anyone to know what was going on. I was there for a month. Most of the summer at least. But honestly I don’t remember most of it. When he finally gave up trying to break me he brought me home. My mother took one look at what he’d done to me, the tattoo the bruises, there’s some scars if you look close enough and finally did the first useful thing in her life. She flipped out.” Levi fidgeted on the seat, his leg bouncing in that way Tracy had seen many times before.

“It’s okay,” he whispered reaching over to lay his hand on Levi’s thigh. The bouncing stopped. Levi nodded but he wouldn’t look at Tracy. He closed his eyes.

“The next week, we were evicted with nothing but the clothes on our backs. He took everything. She had some money hidden from her waitressing job and managed to get us into that damned trailer. About the only thing that kept us from complete poverty was his parents. She didn’t know how they knew, but they did, and they gave her money. When I was fifteen, my grandfather gave me this beat-up old Mustang, and he helped me fix it up. After he died, my father took the car away and gave it to his legitimate son. Who was ten years old at the time. And I’m done telling you about things you don’t need to know about.” Levi gasped in a deep breath. His body went limp as if he’d suddenly had a burden lift from his shoulders. “I’ve never told anyone.  Ever.”

“I love you, Levi.” Tracy closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, he gathered strength to confess his soul. “I know you don’t believe me. But somehow. Before yeah, I maybe worshipped you. And was jealous of your success when I couldn’t hack the college program. But Levi—“

“I’m sitting here wearing makeup. And sometimes I’ll put on something not exactly masculine. I would have loved to go into ballet if I didn’t have football.” Of course, Levi would turn argumentative and take the wind right out of him. But that didn’t matter.

“And I’m still sitting here. I can even give you pointers if you want or have Cindy call you. She’s been looking for someone to share her fashion obsession with. Levi and Liv, both of you. I love you.”

“But you left me.”

“Because I was jealous, and afraid, and angry and stupid to not say something then. I saw what I wanted to see, and I’m not proud of it.”

“You have no job because of me.”

“I’m not looking for a handout. I have money. Besides, I’ve never needed it to be happy.”

He took the lip gloss tube from the vanity and slicked his lips with the essence of strawberry and Levi. “I’ve worn my share of makeup in the past. Even a couple of dresses. The difference is my parents just shook their heads and told us to clean up after ourselves. I can’t change that I had a great childhood. And I won’t apologize for it. You’re fucked up. I see that. I can see past it. And maybe, the lip gloss turns me on.”

 Levi leaned close, his glossy lips tilted up in a sweet smile. “Is there anything that doesn’t turn you on?”

“Broccoli. I’m pretty sure broccoli isn’t on my list of turn-ons. But I’ve come to realize that everything about you pretty much has me in a puddle of lust. You are the reason I knew I was gay. I was a late bloomer. Sixteen, the first time I stood on the field with you. Looking you straight in the eye while you called the coin toss. I couldn’t think straight for the entire first quarter. Boom, it was like everything suddenly made perfect sense. This beautiful boy, with gorgeous eyes, smiled at me. And I had to go out and throw him on the ground a few times. It was one of those times I loved my job.”

“Yeah? And maybe the thrill of being thrown on the ground by you never left. Those were great games. I wished I knew you back then. I would have let you have your way with me.” His lips tasted of strawberry when he finally allowed Tracy to kiss him. Tracy wasn’t satisfied with how far away on the vanity bench Levi was. He hooked him behind his knees and dragged him into his lap. “This works too. Have I told you that I like when you manhandle me?”

“Maybe you’re a masochist.”

“Oooh, whip me, beat me, make me—“ Tracy slammed their mouths together. The idea of hurting Levi, even for fun made him shiver. “Okay, that works too.” He caught Tracy’s bottom lip between his teeth, and that was the last conscious thought Tracy had.

Levi undulated his dancer’s body—and that’s what he had, he wasn’t built like a football player, he was too lithe—against him, moving with a slow grace that made Tracy’s blood boil and his dick ache with every movement.

“Make love to me,” he whispered against Levi’s mouth. The surprise in his lover’s eyes telling him he’d gone too far.

“As in you want me…have you ever bottomed?” Levi held his face in his hands, his eyes searching Tracy’s.

“No. Do you only bottom? We can forget I asked.” Self-conscious, Tracy tried to look away, but Levi wouldn’t let him. He kissed him. Softly. Still holding his face delicately. “You shouldn’t be using your arm just yet, you’re going to tear something.”

Levi smiled and dipped his head for another kiss. Chimes sounded in the house, but Tracy thought it was because of the kiss. He’d died and gone to some harp playing region of hell. Until the pounding started. “Oh fuck me sideways.” Levi growled, and it wasn’t a sexy growl. “I will castrate whatever mother fucker is pounding on my door.”

“Ignore it.” Tracy ran his hand down Levi’s spine, coaxing him to relax. But the pounding continued. Along with the bells. Someone was desperate to get inside. “Fuck. Were you expecting someone?”

“Not a soul. Could be Dylan again. He’s pissed that I turned my phone off. And that he’s become Shannon’s glorified errand boy this week.” Levi climbed out of Tracy’s lap and went over to the window. He eased open the drape and swore a blue streak. “Fucking news truck sitting in the fucking street. Like they own the goddamned world and can do anything they fucking want. I’m sick of dealing with them. Sick of it.”

He was out of the room before Tracy could get his dick under control. It didn’t help watching Levi’s ass as he walked away. Fucking hell, the swell of those delicious cheeks, the exposed ass cleavage. Sanity returned when he realized where Levi was going.

“Levi, don’t do something stupid.” He followed him down the stairs. “Just ignore them, and they will go away.”