Silence Of The Hams (10 page)

Jane wiggled her fingers as if barely restraining herself from strangling him. “Mel, I can’t stand it anymore. If Emma Whatsername didn’t kill Stonecipher, who did?“

“Nobody,“ Mel said.

“What do you mean? I saw him. He was dead. His wife is getting ready to bury him.“

“He died of a heart attack. Natural causes.”

Jane sat staring at Mel for a long moment. “But—but if he died of a heart attack, why did somebody make it look like he’d been murdered? Mel, that can’t be right! He must have had the heart attack when the rack was pushed over on him. That caused it.”

Mel shook his head. “Nope. The coroner was very sure. He had been dead for at least ten minutes, possibly longer, before the rack went over. I got the word just before I left the office for the graduation.“

“How—why—?“

“You sound disappointed. I thought you’d be pleased to know,“ Mel said. “You’ve been in such a froth about Mike working where there’d been a murder. Now he’s not.“

“Oh, I am pleased. But horribly confused.“

“Me, too. But at least it’s not a murder investigation anymore.“

“No, it’s even stranger. Considering how many enemies Robert Stonecipher had, you’d think whoever found him dead would have started organizing a victory parade, not tried to make it look like he’d been killed. Why would anybody make it look like murder?“

“I have no idea. But it’s not a homicide investigation anymore and I can file all my notes about who was where and when.“

“Why did you tell me not to go to Emma’s? Not that I intend to anyway.“

“Because I knew you were considering it in order to snoop. And there’s no need.“

“But surely that’s not just the end of it.“

“No, I’m sure there’s some legal violation in the matter of pushing the rack over on a body. Malicious mischief or something. But it’s not my case anymore. I need to stretch my legs for a bit. Do you mind if I go take a look at the setup here? Then I’ll spell you if you want to take a nap.”

Jane, deep in confused thought, waved him away. “Sure. Go ahead.”

She was still brooding on this bizarre twist when Patsy Mallett, the head of the party organizers, came by on her rounds. “How’s it going?“ Patsy said, taking the chair Mel had vacated and briefly setting down a notebook—her party bible, she called it—on the floor.

Patsy was a large, gap-toothed, dynamic woman in her fifties. Nearly eight years ago, she had first come up with the idea of the school-sponsored all-night party. From humble, non-mandatory beginnings (Jane had heard that the first year only twenty rather nerdy kids had been desperate enough for a social activity on graduation night to attend), the party had become THE thing to do and it was all due to Patsy’s tremendous energy and planning. She had the rare gift of being able to juggle fifteen committees without ever seeming flurried or harassed. She greeted every crisis with a smile and a shrug and the comment “Not to worry. It’ll work out.“ And it always did with her at the helm.

“Nobody’s tried to make a break for freedom,“ Jane assured her with a smile.

“No, they don’t much anymore. But we promise the parents the kids can’t leave unless a parent fetches them, so we have to guard every door. You have two more children coming up through the grades, don’t you, Jane?”

Jane nodded reluctantly. She knew where this was going.

“And one’s a sophomore next year, right?“ Patsy went on. “If you’d choose a committee you’d like to serve on next year, then the year after you might co-chair it. Or at least be ready to co-chair when your third one comes along.“

“Do you know my friend Shelley Nowack?”

Patsy’s eyes lit up. “I’ve heard of her. I don’t believe we’ve ever met though. I hear she’s a very efficient person.“

“She is. She’s the kind of chairman you need. I’ll talk to her about what committee she’d like and serve with her.“

“Great. We’ll get together next week.”

“So soon?“

“Jane, this doesn’t happen overnight. Next year’s committee chairs are already working. Contracts with some suppliers have to be signed years in advance.“

“I’m in awe of how you manage this,“ Jane said. “Shelley will love knowing you.”

“I’ll share my secret with her,“ Patsy said, grinning.

“Secret?“

“Yes. You know each committee has two co-chairs. I tell people that’s in case one gets sick or has to move. But the fact is, I was a history major in college, and I’ve always remembered something I learned about Henry VIII.“

“Henry VIII?“ Jane said, believing she’d misheard.

“Yes. People think he was a womanizing bumbler. But he wasn’t a bumbler. He was a very effective monarch, and he managed it by pairing enemies,“ Patsy explained. “See, kings had to send off ambassadors to all the other European powers, and while the ambassadors were out of the king’s sight, he didn’t know what they were up to. Sometimes they weren’t as competent or as loyal as they could be and went off on their own agenda instead of the monarch’s. So Henry always sent two ambassadors together and made sure they didn’t like each other. That way they were forever tattling on each other and he knew exactly what both of them were up to. And since each knew the other was tattling, each did the best job he could to show off and impress him. Henry got efficiency and comprehensive reports.”

Jane laughed. “You’re not nearly as sweet as you look! Shelley is going to love knowing you, Patsy. I can’t believe you model yourself on Henry VIII.“

“I’m getting his figure, that’s for sure, and if I didn’t keep up on my estrogen, I’d probably have his beard by now,“ Patsy said. “Still, it’s worked out pretty well as a committee philosophy. And if you ever tell anyone but Mrs. Nowack that I said this, I’ll deny ever speaking to you,“ she added with a smile.

“This is your last child graduating this year, isn’t it?“ Jane asked.

Patsy nodded. “Last of five. I’m going to start backing off and spend more time on my own business, which is coming along nicely.“

“You do all this and have a business, too?“

“Yes, with four of the kids gone, I was driving my husband crazy trying to reorganize him,“ she said with a laugh. “So I started a billing company. Saves small businesses the cost of a full-time employee for what is really a half-a-day-a-week job. I haven’t gotten into medical offices because that’s too complex, what with Medicare and insurance, but I have a florist, an office supply store, a secretarial service, and an attorney. Well, I had an attorney until yesterday, but he died.“

“Was that Robert Stonecipher?“

“Yes, it was. Did you know him?“

“No, but my son works at the deli where he died and I was there.“

“Terrible thing to have happen,“ Patsy said. “I hear he was killed.”

Mel hadn’t told Jane the information about Stonecipher having died of natural causes was a secret, but she still didn’t feel it was up to her to blab.

So she kept quiet and Patsy went on. “I can’t say I’m too shocked, though. I think the man’s life was in terrible disarray.“

“What do you mean, disarray?“

“With all due respect to the dead, Robert Stonecipher was a nut case. So discontented and angry at everything. None of us can remake the world to suit ourselves and that’s what he seemed to be trying to do. All those ‘causes’ of his! And he always took the line that it was for somebody else’s own good. I think most people are like me—they want to make their own decisions about what’s to their own benefit, not have some priggish holier-than-thou jerk tell them. He tried it on me. Once! Tried to slither into a discussion about how much healthier I’d be if I lost weight.“

“No!”

Patsy smiled. “Oh, by the time I got through with him, he knew better than to ever mention it again. I have children to provide me with gratuitous personal critiques. I don’t need them from others.”

Patsy and Shelley are going to be soul mates,
Jane thought.

“And his personal relationships were just as bad, it seems,“ Patsy went on. “You know, I presume, that his wife had filed for divorce.“

“I saw the notice in the paper.”

Patsy was quiet for a minute, then said, “You know, I’ve been wondering about something—it’s pure gossip, which I don’t approve of unless I’m the recipient, but since you’re dating that detective, I wonder...”

This hesitancy was unlike her. “What’s this about, Patsy?“

“I’m only telling you this so you can pass it on to your friend the detective, you understand. I went in Stonecipher’s office Thursday afternoon to pick up some checks, and he and Emma Weyrich were having a terrific row. I guess they didn’t hear me come in and nobody else was around.“

“What was the row about?“

“Them. I came into the middle of it and left as fast as I could, but it was about his divorce. I had the impression from what I overheard that he and Emma had been having an affair and she thought now that he was going to be free, she’d be the next Mrs. Stonecipher. He brushed her off.“

“I’d heard he had a girlfriend,“ Jane said. “It never crossed my mind that it was Emma. But it should have. So she was taking the news badly?“

“Very, very badly. Apparently he’d strung her along for years and years. It was really ugly, Jane. I don’t like to run off and be a tattler myself, but I wonder if the police ought to know—?“

“I’ll pass this along to Mel, but I don’t think you need to worry.“

“Good. I didn’t want to be one of those old biddies who look like they’re out to get somebody. I’ve never liked Emma, but I don’t want to go around sounding like I think she killed him. She was mad, but not that mad. At least, I don’t think so.“

“Patsy, you were right to pass this along and I’ll tell Mel about it, but I think I can assure you that it won’t matter.”

Patsy gathered up the party bible and rose. “Thanks, Jane. I’ll give you a call Monday about getting together with you and Mrs. Nowack and getting the two of you on a committee.“

“Why aren’t I surprised that you didn’t forget that?“ Jane asked.

As she watched Patsy leave, she smiled to herself. She thought she’d so cleverly guided Patsy into talking about Robert Stonecipher when, in fact, Patsy had been pulling her along on a leash. Yes, Patsy and Shelley were going to get along well.

10

“Shelley, I’ve got to run some errands. Ride along? I have very interesting things to tell you.“

“I’m amazed. It’s only ten in the morning and you were up all night and you’re still able to speak English fairly fluently?“

“I found a cot in the nurse’s room at school and got a lovely three-hour nap, then came home at six in the morning and slept till nine. I’m actually pretty close to human today. If you don’t count my hair,“ Jane replied.

“Jane, I never consider your hair. Give me five minutes to gather up some dry cleaning I need to drop off.”

A few minutes later, Shelley, nearly buried in a pile of Paul’s shirts and suits, was sitting in the passenger seat as Jane backed out of the driveway, carefully avoiding the pothole the family was affectionately starting to call the Grand Canyon.

“I have a ton of interesting stuff to tell you,“ Jane said. “But the most interesting is that Robert Stonecipher died of a heart attack a good five or ten minutes, at least, before somebody pushed that rack of hams over on him.”

Shelley whipped her head around and looked at Jane as if she were crazy. “What? You mean this?“

“The coroner or pathologist or whoever swears to it. Mel told me last night. He’d just found out. Stonecipher wasn’t murdered.“

“But somebody made it look like he had been!“ Shelley said. “I’m dumbfounded. Why would anybody do that?“

“I’ve been brooding on it for a while and I can think of two reasons,“ Jane said. “One sort of reasonable, one sort of goofy. If he had life insurance like my husband did, it would pay double if he died by accident. Double jeopardy—I mean, double indemnity. I always mix those up.“

“Pointing to Rhonda,“ Shelley said.

Jane shrugged. “If he had life insurance with that provision and if she were the beneficiary. But he might have other policies as well. You can have more than one life insurance policy, can’t you, if you’re willing to pay the premiums?“

“I don’t know. I would guess you could. So he might have had one for the girlfriend you heard about. Or even one that paid to his business.“

“Oh, that’s something else I learned. The girlfriend is Emma Weyrich and I have lots more about her. What I wonder is, can you insure somebody else’s life with yourself as beneficiary?“

“I’m pretty sure you can,“ Shelley said. “But I don’t really know a lot about insurance.“

“Then you probably won’t know what else I was wondering about which is, if you can insure someone else, can you do it without their knowledge? But this is all wandering from the main point, which is that an accidental death might pay off a lot better than a heart attack.“

“Emma Weyrich,“ Shelley mused. “We should have guessed. She’s not the young bimbo I had imagined, but—“

“More of an early middle-aged bimbo,“ Jane agreed. “But a health nut like he was, and an employee constantly in his company.”

Jane pulled into the parking lot of the dry cleaners. It was the Dohertys’ new establishment, the one Stonecipher had been trying to shut down. Jane always patronized them because they were a nice couple who deserved all the business they could get. She was curious to know if they’d heard yet about the real cause of Stonecipher’s death, but a teenage girl who was their Saturday helper was at the front counter.