Silent (39 page)

But Seb and I wouldn’t be among them.

“You care very much for Sebastian, I can tell,” Suzie remarked, watching my hands caress his scalp.

“I love him.” I traced his cheekbone, fingers barely grazing the skin so I wouldn’t disturb him. Then I looked Suzie straight in the eye and added, “Not like a brother.”

She nodded, a few rapid blinks the only thing giving away her concern.

“He’s not special like that, I swear. Do you believe me?”

“I believe you probably know him better than I do.”

That sounded like a no. It didn’t really bother me, though. Seb was gone and there was no point in tearing my hair out trying to show her something that didn’t exist anymore. Just a few hours without him, and I missed him so much it felt as though I’d been hollowed out, like a lonely old abandoned building, too trashed for even junkies to live in.

Would he ever come back? Was there anything I could say or do to get him to forgive me?
I’m sorry
clearly wasn’t good enough anymore. Was he even gone by choice? Or was it whatever trauma he’d lived through as a kid that had stolen him away again?

“Suzie…” I dropped my hand on his shoulder because it was starting to shake. “Was Seb…abused? Like…physically or…or, um, sexually?”

Suzie closed her eyes for a moment and then shook her head. “I can’t discuss Seb’s case with you. I’m sorry.”

I nodded. “Yeah. It’s okay. I think I already know, anyway. I was just wondering about what made him decide to hide all this time. Maybe it was ’cause of that…or maybe it has to do with him losing his mom when he was so young.”

“His mother?” Suzie edged forward in the recliner, her brow furrowing.

“Yeah. You know. Her dying must’ve been really awful. I could tell he loved her a lot.”

“Alex, what do you know about Sebastian’s mother?”

I dragged my attention away from Seb to focus on Suzie. Her eyes were narrowed…almost suspiciously.

Had I said something wrong?

“Um, not much. Just what he told me. That she died when he was little…and that she didn’t abandon him.”

“
How
did Seb tell you this?”

Oh, fuck. Right. And just what was I supposed to say—he drew a picture and I decided I was psychic?

“Uh…”

“Alex”—Suzie reached over to touch my knee—“this is important. Please.”

“Why?”

She bit her lip. Whatever it was, she didn’t want to tell me. “When Seb was found,” she began hesitantly, “the person he was with…was not a blood relative.”

When he was
found.
A horrible image of him chained up in a dank cellar sprang into my mind, and I gritted my teeth to fight back the nausea.

“And because he couldn’t speak, we weren’t able to find out anything about his family. We don’t even know his real last name. If his mother passed away, that could explain why no one ever reported him missing…and he could have other relatives out there who don’t know what happened to him.”

My pulse fluttered. Seb might have
family.
Family who wanted him.

“So it’s very important that you’re honest with me, Alex. How did Seb tell you about his mother?”

I let her words sink in to my hollowed-self while I considered how best to be
honest.
Because the truth was, he hadn’t said a damn thing. But did I actually believe in what Seb and I had shared…enough to report it to Suzie?

Thinking back to every moment we’d spent together…everything I’d read from the twists of his beautiful lips and the gleam in his eyes had felt so
real.
There’d been no room for doubt then, when we’d been so close I knew the exact rhythm of his heartbeat and pace of his soft breaths.

And even though that was gone now, the memories still refilled some of my emptiness, with a sad sort of love.

Yes, I believed it.

I turned back to Suzie. “He…wrote it.”

Her eyes shot wide. “Sebastian can write?”

“Sure.” I shrugged. “I mean, only a little. And not ’cause he’s slow…just ’cause he didn’t really pay attention in school. But he knows his letters.”

“Alex, Sebastian has never…” She stopped herself, though I could tell she still didn’t believe me. “Well, do you think you could get him to write some for me? Anything he could share…anything he remembers might be helpful.”

“I…I don’t know. He’s really upset about everything that happened. About me letting him down like this—”

“You didn’t let him down.”

“But I—”

“You didn’t let him down, Alex.” Suzie’s tone wasn’t so gentle now. It was firm, and full of authority. “You didn’t let anyone down. You brought him back to a place where he can be safe, and you did that because you love him.”

And one day he might thank me for it? It was hard to see that future, right now.

I sighed. “Fine. I’ll give it a go, but it’s not gonna work.” Nudging his shoulder gently, I tried to wake him. “Seb? Seb, can you get up?”

“Oh, no.” Suzie reached out to stop me. “I didn’t mean right this second. He must be so exhausted.”

I lifted my hand, but while it hovered mid-air, a thought struck me. Or maybe it was a prayer.

I waved Suzie off. “He’s awake.”

If there was anything I knew about Seb, it was this. And if I was right, then as slim as it was, there was another chance to hope.

“I don’t think—” Her protest died on her lips, because he sat straight up and looked at me.

It was still an
old Seb
look…but it wasn’t the lost one. It was the one he’d used to stare right into me, like he could see me better than anyone ever had. The one he’d used before I even knew I loved him. The one that had somehow captured my heart and
made
me love him.

Dark almond eyes with unwavering focus, gazing straight into my soul.

“Seb?” I breathed, laying a single, trembling finger on his upturned wrist.
Please, tell me you heard what we were saying. How I did this because I love you. Tell me you understand.

I didn’t say anything else. There were no more words. I just stared back, willing him to
feel
all that he meant to me. All that he’d done to change me…for the better. How I’d never forgive myself for what had happened, but how I’d do anything I could just to make his life a better one. Even if it meant turning us in like this…even if it meant losing him.

He brought a hand to my face and brushed away a tear I didn’t even know had fallen. I held my breath, too afraid to move or even blink.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Suzie’s lips parting and forming a small, surprised
o
. Was she beginning to believe?

He let his slender fingers rest on my cheek for a moment before lowering his head.

And when he lifted it up again, his mask shattered.

Suzie gasped.

His eyes sparked to life first, brows scrunching and lids half-lowering as his face twisted in pain.
I’m sorry, Alex. I’m sorry.

The explosion of joy in my chest couldn’t be contained. I let out a yell so loud that Suzie jerked back and bumped her head on her chair. “Seb! God, Seb. I…I thought I lost you!” A new wave of tears flooded my already-sore eyes.

He was shaking all over, like he was just now letting the fear and the pain travel through his body.

“I was so scared, Seb—”

He gripped my shoulders and nodded, a fat tear rolling down his cheek.
Me too, Alex. I was scared, too.

Scared and lost in his old-Seb world…but somehow he’d found the courage to come back to me. Did I deserve a miracle like that?

With a strength that still surprised me for his slender frame, he pulled me into his arms.

“I’m so sorry, God I’m so sor—”

He put a finger to my lips.
Shh.
With his other hand, he rubbed my chest, then his.

I let out a whoop of laughter, my eyes crinkling and forcing out a few more streaks of tears. He backed up to grin at me, and with the space between us, I suddenly remembered Suzie was in the room.

Her mouth was unhinged. “Oh, Sebastian,” she murmured. “All this time…”

He peeked over at her. For a moment he seemed to be debating whether to play dumb again, but then he just gave an apologetic shrug.
Yeah. Well, here I am.

I wanted to scream “I told you so!” and jump up and down and point with those game-show-host arms used to unveil a grand prize…but then I remembered this moment wasn’t supposed to be about me.

“Listen, Seb.” I cleaned my face with my shirtsleeve. God, I hoped I’d cried enough today that I never had to do it again. “You heard Suzie needs to know some stuff about your mom.”

His eyes darkened and he frowned.
What could I possibly say that would be important?

“I dunno. Anything you remember, I guess. Anything that could help them find some relatives. There might be people out there who want you, like an aunt or an uncle or something.”

He shook his head, flustered.
How?

“Just…write a few words or something.”

Now he glared.

“Why don’t you start with a picture, like you did the other night…and then see what comes to you.”

He sighed, but eventually stretched out his hand to Suzie.

“What?” She looked at me. “What does he want?”

“He needs something to write with. Hold on, we’ve got stuff in the backpack.”

I grabbed the notebook and pen and placed them in Seb’s hands, letting him flip to a fresh page so Suzie could get a quick glimpse of all the other things he’d drawn.

On a clean canvas, he began to sketch, the lines shaky and unsure. It wasn’t as good as he’d done before, but the angular cheekbones were still there, along with the almond eyes and the long, dark hair.

“That’s her,” I told Suzie. “That’s his mom.”

Suzie’s eyes never left Seb’s hand. “And what happened to her, Sebastian? Can you write that for me?”

He looked back at me hesitantly.

“You can do it.”

Jaw clenching so tightly I could see the bones shifting under his skin, he brought his pen to the paper. Even his ears wiggled slightly as he worked.

Very slowly, he wrote:

She did

“She died,” I blurted out, with way too much excitement, considering the subject matter. “That means she died.”

Suzie nodded, still gaping. I didn’t think she’d closed her mouth for more than a second since Seb had revealed himself. “R-right. What about…her name? Can you tell me her name?”

He gave us a rueful smile, and with less insecurity in his grip, he scrawled:
MOM.

I chuckled and rubbed his back. “Yeah, that’s okay. You were little.”

Suzie jumped in, too. “Of course. You’re doing wonderfully, really. Now, um…what about…do you recall…how she passed away?”

She looked really nervous asking that. Her hands were so sweaty they’d left imprints on her pink pants.

Seb swallowed hard. The pen didn’t move. He just glanced back at me once, and I knew.

“Drugs.” Shit, I was such an idiot. “She died from drugs.”

He wet his lower lip, wincing when he struck the place where it’d been split.

“Is that right? An overdose?” Suzie asked.

He nodded.

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” she responded automatically, and in the same breath launched into her next thought. “Do you remember when she passed away?”

Inhaling slowly, Seb shook his head and started to add some shading around his mother’s eyes and cheekbones.

“Do you remember anything else? How old you were maybe? Or even what time of year it was?” Suzie pressed.

Seb stopped drawing and considered for a moment. Then he wrote:
hot.

“Your mom was hot?” I asked.

He rolled his eyes at me.
No, retard.

“Oh…yeah. You mean it was hot out. It was summer.”

He made a little checkmark on the paper, soft puffs of air coming from his nose. The idea that I could still make him laugh, even at a time like this, was so exhilarating I felt faint.

“Okay. Then let’s say she passed away in the summer.” Suzie didn’t want to get off track. I could just imagine how many questions she had for him, now that she
knew
. I’d felt that way not too long ago. “Can you tell me about how long it was before…before DCFS took custody of you?”

She’d chosen her words carefully, but we knew exactly what she meant: how long before he’d been rescued from whatever nightmare had swallowed him up after his mother’s death.

From the
t
in the word hot, Seb began to draw a circle. It went all the way around until it touched the same letter again.

A full circle. A year.

“You found Seb in the summertime?” I asked. “Maybe it was about a year, then.”

Suzie rested her round face in her hands. “Uh”—she cleared her throat with a watery cough—“yes.”

Seb didn’t respond. He was retracing his mother’s face, fixing some of the wobbly lines.

“She
was
beautiful,” I murmured, leaning in to press my cheek against him. Seb’s nod moved my head with his, and I felt his jaw stretch wide in a yawn.

“Sebastian…this is…wonderful.” Suzie’s voice was still thick. “Thank you so much for trusting me and telling me this. You’ve given us a lot of information to work with. If you think of anything else, you’ll let me know, won’t you?”

Seb put down the pen, blinking sleepily.

With a shaky breath, Suzie stood. “The police will be here soon—not because you’re in trouble, Alex,” she added hastily, “but we do need to make a report, and we’ll have to find you two a place to spend the night.”

I tightened my arm around Seb. “Can’t we just stay here?”

Suzie shook her head. “I’m sorry, Alex. Besides, I only have the one bedroom.

“That’s okay. Seb and I can share the couch.”

She chuckled. “I don’t think so.”

“What? Why not?”

“Because you’re teenage boys, and from what I can tell, you’re in a relationship.”

“So?” I squared my jaw. “What the hell does that mean? We already sleep together. And we’ve already—”

“Alex”—Suzie held out a hand to stop me—“if I had kids of my own, they’d have the same rules. You’re only sixteen. You have plenty of time to be together. It doesn’t all have to happen so fast.”