Silent Scars (Surviving #4) (21 page)

Okay, that hurt. It cut deeper than I would have liked to admit. I finally lifted my arms and crossed them over my chest. I gritted my teeth and willed myself to keep my resolve.

“What? Baby going to cry?” he mocked. And right at that very moment, I really hated him.

“I told you before that men who intentionally hurt me are not worth shit.”

He flinched, but that mocking grin returned. “Still willing to give me your pussy?”

I stared straight into his eyes. I watched the false hate fade and uncertainty grow.

“You can have my pity instead. Because you, Ryan, are the one running from life, not me.” I walked around him and headed straight to his room, where I closed and locked the door behind me.

I grabbed one of his shirts and pulled it over my head. The bastard had gutted me tonight even though I knew he was trying to hide and the only way he knew how was to push and push until the person walked away. Well, I may have left the room, but I wasn’t leaving him.

I needed a fucking release before I did something I lived to regret. Last night I had never wanted to push a woman down on a bed and sink into her warmth so much that my body ached with it. And I was so fucking close to doing that. I had no clue how the fuck we ended up in the shower, or why she was looking at me like I had survived a freaking holocaust, but the pity and sadness in her gaze infuriated me. But instead of walking away, I turned into the bastard I kept hidden. The monster I truly was. Sex disgusted me; it was a means to an end not some romanticised fiction women like Aloura believed it to be. I’d had older women pay me to make them come. Fuck them while their limp dicked husbands were clueless. Or the closeted bastards who liked young teenage boys to suck their dicks. I’d done it all. I’d been the toy, the teenage whore my father insisted I was. He made me that way. Sex encompassed pain and loathing to me, nothing more. Feelings other than disgust were never present when I fucked. Loathing for myself and the person beneath me. My dad made me a fuck toy at the age of four, I chose to be a whore at the age of fourteen to try and escape the devil.

The worst part. The most fucked up part with Aloura – I didn't think I would have stopped if she had welcomed me into her pussy. I would have gorged my fill and given nothing back. Because what could I possibly give to someone like Aloura? I couldn’t fuck her like all the others. She deserved to be cherished, adored, and loved. I didn’t know how to do that.

My hands were shaking like a fucking leaf. I sucked in a breath and blew it out slowly, puffing my cheeks out as my fingers slid across the screen on my phone. Taking myself in hand was no longer doing shit to alleviate anything. Jerking off in the shower each morning and night and sometimes during the day if she wore those tight yoga pants was taking none of the tension away. And now I had seen what was hidden beneath those t-shirts, there was no way my fist was a substitute. An all new low for me was fisting my cock until I came over her bed sheets. I was beginning to wish my dick was still dead. Even now thinking about her on the grass outside sunbathing. Her skin with that sun kissed glow and all warm. I wanted to go to her, cover her body with mine and fuck her raw. My dick hardened against the zipper of my jeans.

“Hello,”,” crooned the sultry voice through the receiver. It was a voice made to make me hard, a professional who knew how to gain a man’s full attention. I glanced down, gritting my teeth at my waning excitement. Seems the only thing my betraying bastard of a cock was interested in was inky black hair, ruby ripe lips, and chocolate eyes.

“Hello?”

“I need to see you,” I growled, losing any air of civility I had. “It's Ryan,” I clarified.

“Oh.” I could hear the excitement in her voice. A sickening dread formed in my stomach. I was such a bastard. “When?”

“As soon as possible.” I snapped just as Aloura rolled onto her stomach, tucked her arms under her face, and sighed. I screwed my eyes shut tightly, trying to concentrate on the woman on the other end of my call. But I had zero interest in her. I just felt utterly repulsed.

“I'm in town now,” she interrupted breathlessly. I opened my eyes, ready to apologise and forget this fucked up idea, when I caught sight of my tormentor adjusting the straps on her top. Her tits bouncing enticingly in that tiny little thing. I couldn’t stand another lonely shower.

“Give me an hour, Woodford?”

“I'll text you the room number.” She breathed over the phone. My cock strained against my zipper, but not at her perfected seduction. It was the woman now sitting on the grass watching me in her short shorts and tiny tank with a red tint to her creamy skin. I'd do anything to deserve the chance to taste all that creamy skin.

“Make it thirty minutes.” I ended the call and headed into the kitchen for my car keys and wallet. And dialled Will’s number.

“I need to step out. Send someone to cover now,” I said as soon as he connected the call.

“Whoa, asshole. I'm the boss remember, and a
hello
or
hey
wouldn't go a miss.”

“You said if I needed a break, I could have a one. I want a break. I feel like a fucking prisoner..." I snapped my mouth shut when I turned to see Aloura standing in the doorway staring at me. How the fuck did she get there so quickly? She blinked a few times. With each flutter of her lashes more hurt crept into those perfect all seeing eyes.

“Okay.” Will’s voice startled me. Aloura dipped her chin, breaking eye contact. I watched as she silently padded across the floor into the kitchen.

“I'm meeting someone. She's only in town for a short time.” I may have been talking to Will but projected my voice so Aloura heard every word. I watched as she opened the fridge, and yanked out a bottle of orange. She glanced at me, offering a weak smile, and retreated to her music haven. When the door quietly closed, I blew out a breath.

“What the hell is going on? Did you hear anything I said?”

“I'm going to fuck up if I don't get some space from her, Will,” I uttered quietly. There was no mistaking the desperation in my voice.

“Fuck up, how exactly?” he said with a cautious tone. I fisted the material of my hat, the tender skin underneath a stark reminder of the scars hidden beneath.

“Will... “

“I'm not giving you shit, Ry. In fact I'm on my way now. I'll stay with her until you...finish. Just talk to me.”

“I need to fuck this feeling out of me before I fuck Aloura.” I growled bluntly, storming through the house to my room. “She kissed me, can you believe that? Just laid one on me, and I've never felt like that. She dominates my thoughts, man. It's fucking terrifying. I’ve seen her naked, and she looks...oh man, she’s perfection. I can’t let that happen again.” My verbal diarrhoea knew no freaking bounds. I slapped my palm against my forehead and cursed up a storm. “Can I call in the bro card and ask you to forget I said that shit?”

“You’re falling for our client,” he stated, brooking no argument.

“What? No! Fuck no. She caught me off guard is all.”

“Look, I get it.”

“No, no you don't. I fuck whores, Will. Not Alouras of this world. Jesus, I say that like there are more; she's perfect.”

“She’s everything.”

“Stop second guessing me. This isn't some great love story. We aren't two star crossed lovers destined to be. She needs to stay away.”

“Why? Explain that to me.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No.”

I turned at the sound of his voice. I hadn't even heard him enter the house. My senses were completely whacked. How the hell was I supposed to keep her safe when my mind wasn’t even in the game?

“I'm too distracted to do my job. If we were at war, I'd be fucking dead now. This shit is serious, Will.“

“Okay. So again, explain why she has to stay away?”

“One - client. Two - I'm a fucking monster. You know what blood runs through my veins. It's fucking wicked.”

“No, your dad was a
fucking monster
. Not you.”

“You don't get it. I need to leave.”.” I grabbed my keys and wallet and stalked out of the room.

“Tell her,” he called, halting me. “You want to scare her, keep her away. If what’s locked inside is so bad, tell her -
everything
.”

“Tell me what? Are you going anywhere nice?” she asked, her gentle tone pulled at something in my chest. She took a drink from the bottle of orange, keeping her gaze locked on me. She was daring me to lie.

“I’m meeting someone. I haven’t seen her in a while.” I replied, putting a sneer and emphasis of her. Aloura’s warm smile never faltered, but the light in her eyes dimmed.

“Oh, have fun.” She dipped her chin and headed to the library. I stepped in her path.

“What were you going to read?” I glanced over her shoulder at Will, who was glaring at me, and lowered my voice. “You’re not...“

“Actually I just wanted to put my Kindle on charge. If Will is okay with it, I’m going to play the piano for a little while.”

I jerked as if she had slapped me. Lifting my head, I held his stare. It had taken her a while to get used to me listening to her play. Why would she hand that gift to him so freely?

“I thought you didn’t like playing in front of people?” My tone was icy, but I didn’t give a shit. She turned to Will and offered him one of her radiant smiles. The ones reserved entirely, I would like to believe, for me.

“Will, won’t mind.”

That so wasn’t the fucking point. As if she hadn’t just added fuel to an inferno of jealousy inside me, she continued her path into the library. Clenching my jaw and fisting my hands, I glared at my brother. The smug bastard was grinning like a fucking clown.

“I have to go,” I gritted out.

“No, you really don’t. But if you want to punish yourself and make this much harder than it needs to be, go ahead.”

Huffing out an irritated breath, I ignored his words and stormed outside to my truck.

“You will lose this battle, Ry. I’m just saying.”

“You know nothing. Stay out of it.” I gripped the handle of the door so tight my hands ached.

“Speaking from experience, you can try and run from it, but it will always follow.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I snapped, turning fully to face him. He had dropped the infuriating grin, but a much worse expression was painted on his face –
pity
.

“She’s in here.” He tapped his chest. “Whatever is inside your head is nothing compared to how shitty you will feel if you walk away from her. If you really do have a woman waiting, she is merely a quick fix, one that will cause more damage to your state of mind than allowing Aloura in. Because you are going to resent yourself for fucking another woman, Ry. She isn’t going to take away that horrible ache you have when you aren’t near Aloura. She’s it for you man, and you need to stop being a pussy.”

“It’s that easy, is it? Just walk into her life and fuck it up. She doesn’t need my brand of crazy.”

“You need to get over this bullshit. Start believing you deserve more than what you’re allowing yourself.”

“It isn’t bullshit, Will. It’s fucked up in here.” I pressed my fist against my head before yanking my cap down.

“Let it out, talk about it.”

“What, so we can all have a chat, talk through our problems? Feel all fuzzy and shit. That crap is for movies so it doesn’t translate into real life.”

“Stop being a coward,” he snarled. I stepped forward, close enough my chest was a whisper away from his.

“Do you want to repeat that?” I taunted, my tone deadly. Anger radiated through my body, a pulsing need to cause and receive pain.

“You heard me. You’re a coward. You’re too fucking afraid to be happy. Jo at least had the balls to open up to Lou. He faced the same demons as you.”

I barked out a harsh laugh. And lifted my hands to my head.

“Listen,
pretty boy
, Jo is
my
family,
my
blood. You know fuck all about family. Standing in as a substitute doesn’t give you the right to offer your piss ass opinions.”

I intended to hit and hit hard. But the pain that crossed Will’s face killed something inside me. I didn't believe I could have physically hit him and caused as much pain. He swallowed and stepped back. I waited for a seething comeback, but nothing came. He put further distance between us and bobbed his head.

“Okay.” His tone was hoarse; the agony in his green eyes slashed at my chest. He turned and headed towards the front door. His massive shoulders were tensed and his hands were tucked deep into his slack pockets. As I turned to get in the truck, his words landed like a grenade at my feet.

“You may not think of me as your brother, Ryan. But you will always be mine. I know I’m the odd one out, doesn’t stop me wanting to be there for you. Family doesn’t always have to be blood linked.”

I turned to argue that, but the door closed, shielding Will and Aloura inside. I could only stare at the wood. He thought he was the odd one out. How was that even possible? He had been there for Jo. He’d watched him grow up.

Protected him.

A pained growl rose from my chest and out through my mouth. He had pushed, but I had hit back so hard I had broken something that could never be repaired. Once I was in the truck, I slammed the door so hard the entire thing shook.