Silken Threads (13 page)

Instead, Cassandra made it a point to be friendly when he was near. Even that was a rare instance. As deeply as Cassandra had thrown herself into her work, she saw Kirk had done the same. He was rarely around but when he was, it was to sign work orders or hand in inventory requests.

To Cassandra the ranch was like an armed camp with only one side—theirs. Everyone viewed her with suspicion—everyone except Jane.

In the passing weeks, Cassandra began to look forward to her riding lessons, not because of the riding, but because it was the only time when she had a friendly face to look at and a warm voice to listen to.

By the end of the first month, Cassandra was starting to feel comfortable at Twin Rivers—comfortable, but still not a part of the ranch or part of the people who lived on it.

That fact was driven home on the morning of the start of her fifth week in Arizona. It was another azure morning. The sun was strong, baking the earth with its hot rays as she walked to the corral where Jane waited with the horses.

“
Good morning,” Jane said with a smile.

“
It seems like it,” Cassandra replied.

“
Ready?”

“
I…I guess so,” she answered, looking at Suzi. Once again, her palms became damp. Today would be the first time Jane was taking her away from the safety of the corrals or riding arena and out onto the ranges.

With her heart beating faster, Cassandra mounted and held the mare in check. Then she watched Jane mount quickly, flash a smile, and nod her head. Cassandra’s palms grew even damper, but she kicked Suzi’s side gently and guided the mare out of the corral.

They walked the horses for ten minutes, until the buildings were far behind them. Then Jane picked up the pace, urging Cassandra to put Suzi into the smooth-gaited lope she had shown her.

Cassandra complied, her knuckles white on the reins as she made Suzi pick up speed. “Rock!” Jane ordered.

Cassandra followed Jane’s command. She moved in the saddle, rocking her hips and pelvis in rhythm with the horse. As soon as she did, the bouncing stopped, and she felt herself become a part of Suzi’s powerful strides.

They went on for endless minutes, riding side by side until the tension ebbed from Cassandra’s body. A new feeling emerged in its place. Her hands grew steadier on the reins as her legs relaxed and her muscles unknotted miraculously. She felt the return of the confidence driven from her years before. She was comfortable, almost as if she were one with the horse.

Although not all her fear had fled, enough had departed to allow her to enjoy the ride. The wind tug gently at her long hair and she felt the strength in the horse beneath her. Without realizing it, a smile was on her lips, and with it came yet another release of tension.

“
Beautiful!” Jane declared, watching the change come over Cassandra. If she hadn’t been watching, she would never have known the surge of pleasure in helping and teaching another.

The full smile covering Cassandra’s face reached all the way to her eyes. Jane nodded thoughtfully at the comfortable way Cassandra sat the saddle. Her hips flowed effortlessly, her back was perfectly straight, and her arms were relaxed while she handled the reins.

Reaching a small hill, Jane drew back on the reins, and Cassandra followed suit. Cassandra looked at Jane and smiled. “That was wonderful.”

“
It was, wasn’t it? There’s nothing to compare, nothing,” she said, dismounting.

Cassandra did the same, and as they walked, she looked at Jane. “Is this why you do it? Work on a ranch?”

Jane wondered for a moment if the question was more than Cassandra being polite. “It’s only a small part. I grew up and spent most of my life on a ranch. There’s a feeling, a sense of belonging, you can’t find anywhere else, doing anything else.”

Cassandra heard the deep well of emotions from which Jane drew her words and felt a touch of understanding—just enough to envy the woman. “Have you ever done any other kind of work?”

Jane’s short bitter laugh caught Cassandra off guard. “You might say I did, briefly. I graduated from the University of Arizona with a degree in psychology and interned in a clinic while working toward my masters at night.”

“
What happened?”

“
Nothing. I missed the land, missed the freedom and the grounded feeling of being part of…part of this,” she said, sweeping her arm in an arc covering everything they could see. “I left what most people call the real world and came back to the world I know and love. Too much reality destroys people; I didn’t want it to happen to me.”

“
I don’t think that could ever happen to you, Jane, you’re too strong a person,” Cassandra declared.

Jane gazed at her for a long moment before speaking. “Thank you, but I only wish it were true.”

“
Tell me what it was like to grow up on a ranch?”

Jane shrugged her shoulders. “About the same as anyplace else, except instead of bicycles we rode horses. Instead of going to a lot of movies and stuff, we took overnight camping trips.”

“
That sounds like a lot of fun.”

“
It was.”

“
Did your parents own the ranch?”

“
My father and my uncle. We had two houses—mine and my uncle’s....” Jane tried to keep the sadness out of her voice but failed.

“
Yes?” Cassandra asked, unable to stop the question from escaping although she was aware that she was treading on forbidden ground.

“
It’s all part of the past now,” Jane said, shrugging and trying to hold back the unexpected moisture that filmed her eyes.

“
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. I….” but Cassandra stopped when she saw the emotion on Jane’s face.

“
It’s all right,” Jane said, regaining control. “It’s been a long time since I’ve spoken about my parents. They died when I was still in diapers. I don’t remember them clearly. My father, mother, and my uncle were in a horrible automobile accident. My aunt and my cousin raised me. In fact, my cousin put me through college.”

“
I’m sorry,” Cassandra said in a low voice. “What happened to the ranch? Why are you here instead of being there?”

“
We lost the ranch. Everyone tried, but without my father and Uncle Burt, we couldn’t make it. My cousin was twelve. He tried, but he didn’t have the experience. We sold off most of the land but kept a few acres for ourselves, along with the houses and the barn.”

Jane stopped and turned to look at Cassandra, who was gazing at her with a combination of sadness and warmth. “But that’s all in the past. Ready to head back?”

Cassandra nodded her head. “Were you very close to your relatives?”

Jane smiled, and Cassandra saw the love within it. “Very close. My aunt died when I was almost thirteen. My cousin continued to take care of me. When he joined the army, he arranged for me to live with a family we knew with a large ranch. When he got back and started college, we lived together again. He raised me…he’s as much a father as a cousin. He’s—” But Jane stopped herself before speaking Kirk’s name, knowing it wasn’t the right time for that.

“
He sounds like a wonderful man. I hope I can meet him one day. It must have been nice to have someone who loved you be around as you grew up….” Suddenly Cassandra turned away. She shook her head and then forced a smile as she mounted Suzi.

Jane followed suit, disturbed by Cassandra’s sudden change in mood. She knew, if and when Cassandra was ready, she would tell her own story.

The ride back was as relaxing as the ride out, and Cassandra allowed herself to forget her problems and even her fear as she lost herself within the moment, relishing and luxuriating in the ride, and in the fact that she was once again on a horse.

When they returned to the ranch, Cassandra and Jane walked their horses until the mounts cooled down.

Then they led the horses to a trough, and there Cassandra turned to Jane. “I can’t thank you enough for all the help you’ve given me…and...for being so friendly,” she began. It was true, and for the last twenty minutes, she had been thinking of a way to repay Jane.

“
You’re welcome, Cassandra. I’ve enjoyed it myself.”

“
Would you come to the office with me for a moment?” Cassandra asked, deciding on a nice way to repay Jane for her kindness.

“
Sure,” Jane said.

A moment later Jamie came to collect the horses, and the two women went to the main house. Inside, Cassandra led Jane to her private office—Kirk’s old office—and motioned her to a chair. When Jane sat and Cassandra was behind her desk, she opened the large corporate checkbook and wrote out a check. Once she finished and tore the check free, she looked at Jane and smiled.

Rising from her seat, she walked over to Jane and handed her the check. “As I said, I can’t thank you enough for helping me, and I do hope you’ll accept this bonus as a measure of my gratitude.” Cassandra knew the words sounded hard and stilted, but she thought that Jane would understand.

What she wasn’t prepared for was Jane’s instantaneous anger as she looked from the check to Cassandra.

Jane stood slowly, her body tense and stiff. She stared at Cassandra and then lifted the check. Even as her eyes locked on the other woman’s, her hands moved, and the sound of paper tearing was loud in the room.

“
I can’t believe how stupid I am. I can’t believe how much of a gullible fool I was. Who the hell do you think you are? Do you think you can buy anything you want? Is that what life is to you, a check?” Jane’s voice was low, but her words cut through Cassandra like a sword stroke.

Cassandra backed away, denying Jane’s words with a slow shake of her head.

“
I felt sorry for you. Isn’t that a laugh? I thought if I helped you, you would defrost a little and see what was around you. So much for my psychology training....” Jane stared at Cassandra and saw the incomprehension written on her face. With that look, some of her anger melted.

“
I guess you can’t help yourself. You’re a product of a different environment. Cassandra, go home!”

Cassandra, recovering from Jane’s unexpected assault, took a deep breath. “I don’t understand. Jane, I thought we were becoming friends. I.…”

“
If I didn’t hurt so much, I’d laugh at you. Do you think I talk to anyone who will listen about my past? Do you think I dredge up my life’s story to entertain casual acquaintances? Today, Cassandra, I thought we’d become friends.”

“
So did I,” Cassandra whispered, confused by Jane’s angry reaction to her gift.

“
No, Cassandra; friendship can’t be bought.”

Cassandra’s jaw dropped. For the third time, she shook her head in denial.

“
I wasn’t trying to buy your friendship, Jane. I just wanted to give you something to show how much I appreciated what you’ve done. You must believe me; that’s all it was.”

“
That’s exactly what I tried to tell you before. We’re from different worlds. You use money as a thank you, we use words, or gestures.”

Cassandra blinked back the tears that sprang to her eyes. She had made a mistake, a foolish one that would end a blossoming friendship.

“
I…I have a lot to learn, Jane, and I need someone to help me. Please don’t walk away from me. I want to be your friend.”

For no reason at all, tears also rose in Jane’s eyes. She tried to blink them away, but when she saw tears spilling unashamedly down Cassandra’s cheeks, hers poured free. “Damn it all, anyway. Ju…just say thank you!”

“
Thank you,” Cassandra whispered, a tentative smile on her face. For Cassandra, it simply wasn’t enough. There was one more thing she had to do. Stepping forward, Cassandra pulled Jane into an embrace that spoke more than any words could. “Thank you,” she repeated.

Cassandra woke to bright rays of sunlight, the first in three days. For the past few days, the sky had been overcast with periods of rain. Today the sun had returned with a regal majesty.

Rising from the bed, Cassandra went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, and took a quick shower, her last for several days. When she was dry, and the moisture-filmed mirror began to clear, she saw a stranger gazing back at her.

Her skin had bronzed beneath the sun; the whiteness of her teeth lent evidence to that fact. The green in her hazel eyes seemed more pronounced against the darker background. Four months of the Arizona sun had worked this startling change on her face.
If only the same would happen to my heart, she told herself.

Again, last night she’d dreamed of Kirk, the same sort of dream she’d been having almost every night. In her dream, she and Kirk would be together, climbing the myriad heights of love and desire, clinging together against all odds, and admitting their love to the world and each other.

Reality came with the daylight and the loss of that love haunted her. Not once in all the time since their first shatteringly passionate joining had they shared another intimacy.

They were strangers who lived on the same land, worked in the same office, saw the same things day after day, and pretended that nothing had ever happened between them. For Cassandra, the pain increased with the advent of each new day.

So much had happened to her in the past four months and Cassandra knew she could never go back to being the person she had once been. Surprisingly she was not missing the life she’d left behind.

She had conquered her fear of horses to a large degree and had come to love the open, free life at Twin Rivers. Every day was a new experience, offering her unending glimpses into a new world.

The beauty of the land was a constant reminder of her new feelings. Even the ranch hands seemed to treat her with less disdain and, while they did not reach out with welcoming arms, they no longer made her feel like an outcast. She sensed her friendship with Jane had a lot to do with it, because the people who worked on the ranch respected Jane Paulson. If Cassandra and Jane were friends, it stood for something.

Cassandra was also getting to be very, very good at her job: in the four months she’d been managing Twin Rivers’ books, she’d saved almost ten percent of the quarterly budget and spent a good deal less than was spent for the same period the previous year.

Not once had Kirk given her the simplest acknowledgement of her work. Kirk never complimented her; he only asked her to save more, to get more.

Whenever he was near, tension gripped Cassandra, making it impossible to work. All that she could do was try to make her heart stop its endless aching.

Pushing away the sad longing within her thoughts, Cassandra left the bathroom and began to dress. She pulled on a pair of now well-faded denims and tucked the cotton work shirt in at her waist. She buckled the two-inch leather belt that Jane had given her as a present and put on her boots. Dressed and ready, she went to the chair and picked up the nylon saddle roll, which waited for her.

In the bag was a fresh change of clothing. Cassandra Leeds was going on the fall roundup. She was excited and scared half to death at the same time, but she was going.

When Cassandra learned all the ranch hands were required to round up the cattle for shipping, she wanted to see what it would be like. She remembered scenes from the westerns, in which all the men lived out on the range, rounded up the cattle, and drove them to market.

Although this wouldn’t be quite the same, there was an air of excitement hanging over the entire ranch. When she’d asked Jane, Jane had told her about this special time.

There was a sense of returning to the past. It was a unique feeling, Jane had told her. ‘It made you want to stay out on the range forever’.

Listening to Jane, Cassandra had found herself yearning to be a part of it. Her only hesitation had been because everything was done on horseback—everything. She would have to work with the hands, ride with the hands, and try to learn and do as much as possible.

It had taken her only one long night of deep introspection to reach her decision. She’d come a long way from being the spoiled and naive city girl who had arrived at the ranch four months before with preconceived ideas that had been stripped away by the harsh facts of this new reality. She could sense the differences, which were now part of her. Still, she was not yet a member of the family, so to speak; she was still an outsider. She wanted to belong—she had to belong—if she was to accomplish what she’d set out to do.

In the end, there had been no choice. That afternoon when Kirk came into the offices, she’d asked him to come into hers. After he’d entered, she’d closed the door, turned to face him, and asked if she could join the roundup. He’d stared at her, disbelief on his face.

“There are no powder rooms on the range. No baths, no showers. You have to eat whatever there is, and you like it. There are no beds, only the hard ground shared with sweaty men working their tails off. Sorry, Cassandra, this isn’t for you.”

Cassandra had almost backed off. Almost. She had stared at him, wanting to reach out to touch him, to hold him, but she didn’t. Instead, she shook her head to emphasize her reply. “I’m going.”

“We have an agreement. You’re in charge of the office; I’m in charge of the outside. There was a reason for it. You don’t know enough about ranching. All you’ll do is get into trouble, or get in the way.”

“It was your agreement, Kirk,” she reminded him. “You made it up. You decided what I would do, and what I would not. Not this time, Kirk. This time I go!” Cassandra watched Kirk shake his head. “This is ridiculous. Cassandra, there are a thousand reasons for you not to go. Besides the dirt, you have to be a hell of a good rider.”

“I can ride,” she stated proudly.

“I heard you rode around the corral a few times, but on roundup you have to know what you’re doing and know what’s going on around you. Last year rattlesnakes bit three men, experienced men. Do you like rattlesnakes?”

“I must; I’m standing next to a big one right now. I’m going, Kirk!” As she’d spoken, she’d watched Kirk’s body tense. His eyes had narrowed at her insult, but she’d refused to back down. He’ taken a deep breath and Cassandra knew she needed to act.

Before he could say anything, she spoke. “Who the hell do you think you are? You can take your egotistical, macho, demigod attitude and stick it up—”

“You’re not going, Cassandra,” Kirk stated again, cutting her off before she could say any more.

“—your nose!” she spat, finishing what she had started. “I’ll be ready the day after tomorrow. That is when you ride out, isn’t it?”

Without giving him a chance, Cassandra had walked to the door, opened it, and stormed out. Only when she was halfway across the outer office, and she saw the curious stares of the three women at their desks, did she realize that with her grandstand play, she had walked out of her own office, not his.

~~~~

Kirk stopped his horse on a low rise and surveyed the scene spread out below him. It was a picture-perfect dusk of coral shades blending into purple hues. Several thousand head of cattle moved together, and as they did, cowboys picked out and separated the ones ready for market.

Off to one side Kirk saw the outrider he’d been keeping a constant check on. Cassandra was riding the flank of the herd, her responsibilities kept to an absolute minimum.

Yet as cautious as he was with her, he had been surprised by her ability to ride and by her dogged determination to do her share. He had not expected it. He had thought once she’d realized the hardships of a roundup, she would head back to the ranch. He’d even made sure there was a vehicle available for her to drive.

She hadn’t turned and run, she had waded in, all inexperience and awe, fighting to keep her head above water. She had not only succeeded, but if she kept on, she might even earn some grudging approval from the men. Maybe.

While he thought about Cassandra, his eyes didn’t leave her. She was moving at a steady lope, when suddenly her horse stumbled. He tensed, but then saw everything was all right and she was still on the mare’s back.

It wasn’t, he saw, as Cassandra and Jane dismounted to look at Suzi’s front leg. Digging his heels into the horse’s flanks, Kirk urged the mount into a quick gallop. A few moments later he, too, was looking at the mare’s fetlock.

“She stepped in a chuckhole,” Jane began.

“It was my fault,” Cassandra said quickly.

“It was no one’s fault. These things happen. She’ll be okay after a couple of days’ rest. You’ll have to ride another mount tomorrow,” Kirk added.

Cassandra nodded, surprised at the lack of anger in his voice.

“Jane, you’d better give Cassandra a ride back to camp. We’re about finished for the day, anyway.”

“Yes sir, boss man,” Jane replied with a smile. Once she was mounted, she offered Cassandra her hand and drew Cassandra up behind her.

With Suzi’s reins in her hand, Cassandra wrapped her free arm around Jane’s waist, and they started back to camp, Suzi trailing lamely behind them.

“I feel like a fool,” she told Jane.

“You feel like a fool because your horse stumbled? At least you stayed on her back. Which is an accomplishment.”

“When she staggered my legs locked so tight you would have needed a crowbar to get me off,” Cassandra admitted. Part of what she’d said was the truth. She just didn’t say how quickly her heart had reached her throat, and how a vision of a nine-year-old girl, hurtling along the ground, her foot caught in the horse’s stirrup, had lent strength to her legs and balance to her body.

By the time her horse had recovered its footing, the fear had begun to drain. The fact she stayed on the horse’s back gave a boost to her flagging courage.

“We’ll find a good horse for you in the morning,” Jane promised.

“A gentle one.”

Jane laughed as she nodded her head. “Did you really call him a rattlesnake?” she asked suddenly.

“What? He told you?” Cassandra replied, surprised.

“Kirk? No, but Thelma overheard the two of you going at it. She couldn’t wait to tell me.”

“I’m still surprised he let me come along.”

“I think he surprised himself, too,” Jane added, not elaborating on the fact she’d fought   with Kirk when she’d learned he was refusing to let Cassandra participate in the roundup. Finally, Kirk had given up, but when he did, he put all the responsibility for Cassandra onto Jane’s shoulders.

“You had something to do with it, didn’t you?” Cassandra asked.

Jane shrugged. “Well, it’s like my cousin once told me. When you have a friend, value the friendship. Do whatever you have to, to keep it, ‘cause good friends are hard to come by.”

Cassandra smiled. “Thank you,” she whispered. “That must be some cousin you have. I’m looking forward to meeting him one day.”

“Cassandra, I can’t wait for that day,” Jane said, trying to keep the amusement out of her voice.

~~~~

Five campfires lit the night. Sleeping rolls dotted the ground. The sound of cattle and horses accented the quiet of the night.

It was almost nine. Most of the ranch hands were asleep. Cassandra sat on her sleeping roll and gazed out at the peaceful picture of the camp. Jane, lying in the bedroll next to her, was already in a deep sleep.

Only about eight or ten men sat around the fires, their voices low as they told their stories. Cassandra listened intently.

She had never before experienced days like this. The world that she’d come from seemed to have been made in a different time. She was relaxed, comfortable, and felt close to everyone around her.

Sighing gently, Cassandra looked around the camp again. As she did, she saw Kirk’s tall, lean form walking away from the fires. She watched him, her heart aching again, as he disappeared into the night.

Doesn’t he see I’m trying? Can’t he try, too
? Making up her mind, Cassandra stood and followed Kirk. She left the low light of the campfires and walked into the darkness. She needed to speak to Kirk and to make him understand her.

Pausing for a moment, Cassandra waited until her eyes adjusted to the dark. Eventually she saw Kirk’s outline a few yards ahead of her.

~~~~

Kirk was physically tired, but his mind refused to allow him rest. He had sat by himself all evening, watching the way everyone interacted. By the time most of the hands were asleep, Kirk could not sit still any longer.

Picking up a small pouch, he left the camp for the solitude of the night. He walked about thirty yards away from camp, where he leaned against a small rocky outcrop.

Usually roundup meant a time of hard work and good feelings. It was a time to forget the little problems as well as the big ones and, for a few days, become lost in a time warp that denied the existence of civilization.

Yet this roundup was different from any in the past, for civilization had joined him in the form of Cassandra Leeds.

He hadn’t wanted her to be here. He hadn’t wanted the constant reminder that he was in love with someone with whom he could never be. Yet throughout the past two days, he had been hard-pressed not to watch her. His body had reacted with desire and his emotions were at the breaking point.