Simply Shameless (22 page)

"Helene..."

She sank to her knees so gracefully, he was reminded of a swan. Her fingers worked at the placket of his pantaloons until it hung open to reveal his smallclothes. His cock was already trying to escape the confines of the fine linen.

He groaned as she licked his shaft through the fabric, making him instantly wet. His fingers curved around the back of her skull as his common sense tried to fight off the strident demands of his cock.

"You don't have to do this."

She went still and looked up at him. "Do what?"

"Act the whore for me."

Color flooded her cheeks. "I am merely amusing myself and hopefully arousing you."

He bent forward, grasped her by the shoulders, and drew her back to her feet. "No, you're not."

She met his gaze, anger and misery at war in her blue eyes. "I'm not pleasing you?"

He sighed. It was incredibly hard to be honorable when he was so very willing to drag her into bed and fuck her until dawn. But he'd learned his sexual lessons far too well to allow himself to be used by someone suffering an emotional crisis.

He dropped a kiss on her forehead. "Helene, I'm not sure I can give you what you want this evening." He paused to button his pantaloons. "I'm not even sure if you know what you want."

1 want you.

"No, you want to prove something to yourself, and I've never enjoyed playing those kinds of games."

Irritation shimmered in her eyes. "I don't know what you are talking about."

"Then go to bed and I'll see you in the morning."

"And what will you do now? Go and seek out someone who doesn't want to play games?"

Her dismissive smile wasn't designed to reassure him. "Good luck with that in this house."

"Isn't this place supposed to provide anything I desire?" He bowed and turned for the door. "Then if I wish it, I'm sure I'll find it."

"Philip ..."

"Madame?"

"If there is something else you want here rather than me, I would not deny you."

Philip paused. So she did know about what he'd gotten up to in the room of desires.

"I want you, you know that, but not when you are in this mood." He swung back to face her. "And what else I desire is surely my business."

She met his glare without flinching. "As I said, I am happy for you to explore everything that interests you."

"How gracious of you and how incredibly patronizing." He took two steps toward her.

"When I came in here, all I wanted was to take you to bed and fuck you until all you could think about was fucking me back."

She bit down hard on her bottom lip as if trying to keep from speaking.

He bowed elaborately. "Now, I'll take myself off, follow your orders, and find someone who really wants me."

Her expression changed, grew softer. "Philip, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"Good night, madame." He didn't allow her to finish, afraid she'd somehow undermine his ability to leave. What the hell was it about women that they couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted?

She turned away from him. "Good night, then."

He hesitated once more and then forced himself to walk out. Was she more shaken by her confidences in him than he'd realized? Was that why she was pushing him away? His conscience reminded him that he had turned her down first, but there was good reason.

She didn't have to play the whore for him to disguise how she felt; he knew her too well.

He reckoned very few people knew about her past. Was it a good time to reassure her that he'd never share her secrets with anyone? He risked another glance back at the door and grimaced. Perhaps not.

He continued up the back stairs into the main part of the pleasure house, nodded to the burly Irish brothers on guard by the staircase, and took himself to the room of desires. He stared at the door for a long moment. Was he using his self-righteous anger against Helene to justify indulging in his perversions ? He frowned. Dammit, she'd been happy to let him explore his sexuality, so why shouldn't he?

He was horny as hell, and he needed some relief. Helene had no claims on him. He had a perfect right to fuck whatever or whomever he wanted. He pushed open the door and found himself in the now familiar blackness.

"What do you desire?"

"Adam. I want Adam."

"Please step to your left, and he will be with you shortly."

Philip let out his breath and made his way into the eerie darkness. Regardless of Helene, if he ever wanted to be whole again, to be able to function as a normal human being, he had to get over the ghosts of his past. He had to come to terms with what had been done to him.

He rubbed his cock, which had been semi-erect all night and now throbbed like a toothache. It seemed he couldn't forget Helene after all. She'd triumphed over her past, hadn't she? Faced far worse sexual horrors than he had and survived. His hand stilled on his shaft. Did she see through him, after all? Did she recognize a fellow sufferer and want to help him?

The door to his right opened briefly, and Philip straightened.

"Good evening, sir."

"Good evening, Adam."

"How may I serve you?"

Philip briefly closed his eyes. "I'd like you to suck my cock and then ... I'd like to suck yours."

"Are you sure that is what you want, sir?"

Philip shuddered as Adam moved close and cupped his jaw.

"I need to do this. I need to see if there is any joy left in it for me."

Adam let out his breath. He smelled of the sea and the bracing freshness of a windy day.

"If it pleases you, sir, we can lie on the bed and pleasure each other at the same time."

"I didn't know that was possible."

Adam chuckled, the sound surprisingly normal considering the circumstances. "Indeed it is, and most enjoyable too."

Philip followed him blindly to the corner of the room, where he caught his first glimpse of a narrow white bed lit by a single candle. He hesitated as Adam unbuttoned both of their plackets.

"I do not want to be held down."

Adam paused, his fingers brushed Philip's straining cock. "We can lie on our sides, or you can lie on top of me."

"On our sides, then."

Adam climbed onto the bed, and Philip followed, reversing his direction so that his head was by Adam's knees. He shuddered as Adam nuzzled his cock.

"I'm glad you asked for me. I liked taking you in my mouth."

It was enough to make Philip shove Adam's breeches down to expose his cock, which was also hard and ready. Philip groaned as Adam's mouth swallowed him whole, and gave himself up to the pleasure. He closed his eyes and tentatively licked Adam's cock, felt Adam's whole body stiffen and arch toward him. He opened his mouth and took Adam's shaft deep, groaned as he felt the pressure increase on his own cock and matched his sucks to Adam's so they eventually came together.

So strange to feel a man's cum in his throat again. So different to his last encounter, when he'd crawled away and retched to purge his body of such vile abuse. This time he swallowed gladly, eagerly even. One less horror to haunt his dreams. One new memory to replace the old.

Was that what Helene had done? Replaced each horror with a new encounter when she was in control? God, he hoped so for her sake. It helped him understand her so much more. He realized Adam was speaking.

"Are you all right, sir?"

"Yes, I am. It was ... good."

"I'm glad." Adam stroked Philip's thigh, ran a finger down between Philip's buttocks and circled his arse hole. "I wanted to touch you here, but I didn't have permission."

Philip gently removed Adam's hand. "I'm not sure I'm ready for that."

Adam sighed. "I understand." He paused. "I would let you have me like that."

"I'm not sure I'm ready for that either."

Philip rolled into a sitting position and set about straightening his clothes. Adam did the same.

"May I ask you something personal, sir?"

"You may ask, but I can't guarantee you'll get an answer."

"Were you forced? Did some man take you without your consent?"

Philip stared down at his feet and fought off the memories. Adam touched his knee. "It's all right, sir. My first sexual encounter with a man was not of my choosing either."

"And yet, here you are, trusting me not to mistreat you. You are a braver man than I."

"This encounter is of my choosing. I can walk away from you whenever I want."

Philip stood up and pretended to rearrange his cravat. "And what if you can't walk away?

What if you are bound by ties of matrimony and afraid for your children's safety if you leave?"

Silence filled the room as Adam got to his feet. "I apologize for upsetting you, sir, and I hope you will consider asking for me again. Good night."

Before Philip could reply, Adam stepped back into the shadows and disappeared through yet another door. Philip stared into the darkness and cursed quietly under his breath. His body hummed with sexual satisfaction, yet his thoughts were chaotic. Could he understand the choices Adam and Helene had made to rediscover their sexual selves?

Could he learn something from them after all? Dammit, if he couldn't tell Adam, the only other person who might understand him was Helene.

He fumbled his way to the nearest door and stepped outside, used the servants' stairs to take himself back to Helene's apartment. The footman on duty merely nodded as Philip carefully opened her door. A fully lit candelabra provided enough light for him to see that Helene was in bed. He walked across the thick carpet and stared down at her.

She immediately opened her eyes. "Philip?"

He knelt beside the bed, took her hand in his, and kissed it. He slowly breathed in her lavender scent and shut his eyes.

"My wife wasn't as innocent as she seemed."

Helene squeezed his hand. "I did wonder about that."

He glanced up at her. "You are an astute woman. I was a fool. She lied to me about her virginity and her health for years."

"But why?"

"Because she'd already acquired a lover before our marriage and was terrified I would find out and separate them forever."

"I remember you told me she lied to keep you out of her bed for months until you took her home. Is that where her lover was?"

"Yes. I suspect he was the one who told her she had to bed me at least once to allay my suspicions." He shuddered. "By that point, I was too grateful to worry about her motives.

I just wanted sex."

"And she conceived your son on that one occasion?"

He smiled. "I know. It sounds suspicious. When I eventually realized what was going on, I wondered if she had deliberately given in to me at that particular time to conceal an already advanced pregnancy. But my son was born later than expected, rather than earlier, so I have to assume he might be mine. I'm told he bears a strong resemblance to me."

"And your daughter?"

Philip swallowed hard. "No, not that she will ever know that or that I will ever treat her differently."

Helene sat up, her arms wrapped around her knees. "How did you find out?"

"I went into my wife's suite late one night to remonstrate with her about her treatment of our son. Unfortunately, I walked in on her and her lover fucking." He tried to swallow, couldn't manage it. "My wife was so terrified, all she could do was sob, but her lover ...

he was far quicker to react."

"What did he do?"

"He knocked me out. When I came to, I was tied to the bed. He forced me to watch him fuck my wife and then he"—he closed his eyes—"made me take his cock in my mouth and then he fucked me."

"Oh, Philip ..." Helene leaned forward and cupped his face in her hands. "How horrible for you."

"That wasn't the end of it. He knew my wife was well loved by my family, and he threatened to make her tell them he was my lover and that she was living in fear of me.

He thought she would be able to convince them to keep me away, not only from her, but also from my son and any other children we had."

He stared into Helene's eyes. "I couldn't abandon my son. I couldn't allow him to come under the influence of that perverted monster, could I?"

"Non, you could not." She touched his face. "You did what had to be done to save your son."

"And suffered through a marriage from hell because of it."

"But you survived, yes?"

"Barely. When Anne became pregnant the second time and tried to persuade me back into her bed, I refused. I offered her a bargain. I would acknowledge the child and allow her to keep her lover if she never expected me to touch her again. In truth, Anne's health had deteriorated badly by that point. Even my mother urged me not to force myself on an unwilling wife who feared another pregnancy." He grimaced. "I was more than willing to oblige her."

"What happened to her lover? Did he stand by her?"

Philip grimaced. "He stayed. He was employed as a gardener on the estate. That's how they originally met. I couldn't fire him in case he resorted to blackmail. I kept myself busy on my father's estates, supervised my children's welfare when their mother grew too frail to manage them, and stayed far away from her." He hesitated. "I'm not even sure why I'm telling you this. I haven't told anyone before." He shrugged. "Perhaps it is a night for confidences."

Helene kissed him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Come to bed."

He grimaced. "I've not washed and I've been with—"

She cut him off with another kiss and drew him down onto the bed. "Come to bed."

With a sigh, he let her take off his clothes and cover him

with the sheets and the luscious curves of her body. She pushed him onto his back and straddled him, the moist warmth of her sex against his stomach. She kissed him again and then kissed her way down his neck and used the tip of her tongue on his nipples.

"Helene . .. you don't have to do this."

He realized his words were an echo of their earlier conversation. He meant them this time, too, but Helene was different; her reaction to him was all herself and owed nothing to artifice.

He groaned as her mouth traveled lower, dipped into his navel and through the coarse hair of his groin. His cock rose to meet her, eager to be touched, to be surrounded by the warm wet cavern of her mouth. She licked the crown, her tongue curling around him until he filled out even more. So different from Adam but equally erotic. Precum trickled down his shaft, and she lapped that up as well. His hips lifted, trying to coax her to take more of him, to take him deep and hard, to suck him dry.