Six Years (27 page)

“I can’t forget, but I can accept. I’m sorry that…’’ His voice caught and my heart lurched. “I want more time.’’

“Me too, Nolan, but it’s not for us. Don’t be like me, thinking that you’re alone. Not only are you living your dream, but you have a fabulous girl with you right here. And please, never doubt that I’ve always loved you, even at my lowest.’’

“Mom…’’

“You should go,’’ she said louder to me, her tears falling more freely now.

“I’ll see you at the hospice.’’ He stood up and turned around. As soon as his back was to his mother, he let the tears fall. He walked out and I followed him with a last wave to Mrs. Bell, unsure if I would ever see her again.

I closed the door behind me, followed Nolan down the hall and suddenly, he turned around and grabbed me. He hid his face in the crook of my neck and his legs started to buckle under him. I wrapped him in my arms tightly as he let it go. His tears were fat and fast falling, dampening my back and my tight black t-shirt. In every salty drop was the sum of all his pain he buried inside of him over the years, his fears and his love for his mother. Everything was coming out and at this moment, I was the only one there, the only one able to understand the depth of his emotions. I tightened my arms around him and kissed his temple, whispering soothing words in his ears while his sobs tore at me.

* * *

NOLAN

I couldn’t stop the tears, couldn’t feel anything other than the pain tearing me from the inside out. I didn’t feel Brooklyn’s arms around me, but I knew she was there, the only one holding me up. I wanted to scream, to yell, to destroy everything.

I had spent years resenting my mother, ignoring her and everything and anything related to her. I had pushed everything away, severed my roots, tried to reinvent myself and all the while, nothing was gone or forgotten. Nothing was better or easier.

My mother was a junkie, she hurt me, destroyed a huge part of my life but…

She was my mother. She was the only family I had and she was dying.

I choked on a sob and tightened my grip around Brooklyn. “I’m not ready to lose her. I’m not. I’m not.’’

“Shh… Nolan, you’ll be okay. I’m right here.’’

I kept my eyelids closed tightly and pushed my face deeper into her. I was shaking all over, finally breaking down after all this time. And fuck…It hurt.

“You don’t hate them?’’ Big No asked me for the second time. He was now looking at me as if I had a second head or something. He sat up on my bed and ran a hand in his freshly buzzed hair. “Not even a little?’’

I shrugged and shook my head. “They’re my parents.’’

“It’s not a reason. Little B, they’re not even taking care of you!’’

“You’re saying this because your mom is using again,’’ I said evenly, turning the volume of the TV higher, not really in the mood to spend our movie night talking about my parents or his mother. Yeah, we weren’t lucky with them, but at least we had them. Some people out there didn’t have even one person in their life. And I had Big No. It was enough for me even if I was mad and sad sometimes.

“Talk like a twelve year old, Little B. It’s creeping me out when you sound so adult.’’

I frowned at him and wrinkled my nose. “Does that mean that I should obsess over some lame TV show and talk about which guy smiled at me today at school instead?’’

He narrowed his eyes on me. “A guy smiled at you?’’

“Are you for real?’’ I chuckled and pushed at his shoulder, but he didn’t move even a little. “I’m just saying that I’m not just a random pre-teen.’’

We watched Indiana Jones for five more minutes before I felt him fidget and turn to me. “You really don’t hate them?’’

“You don’t hate your mom either.’’

“You hate her.’’ He deflected, his eyes narrowed on me.

I shook my head. “Not really. I don’t like what she does to you, but I don’t hate her. She wouldn’t do drugs if she wasn’t sad about something. It’s just the same with my parents. They’re hurting because of my sister. I can’t hate them for this, but I can not love them all that much.’’

“And you’re okay with that?’’

“Most days yes. Sometimes, not so much, but then I know that you’re here for me if I need to talk.’’

He put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him. I let my head fall on his shoulder, just like I used to do. As usual, my heart beat faster.

“I hate her, Little B. I swear.’’

“No, you don’t.’’

“You can’t know that,’’ he said with a reluctant smile I could hear without looking.

“I see the way you take care of her, Big No. It’s not hate. You love your mom and it hurts more than it should. But don’t worry, it’s okay to hurt. I’m here for you too.’’

He sucked on his breath. “You are one amazing girl, Little B. I’m a lucky fucker.’’

“I’m the lucky one.’’

He shook his head and I felt it under my cheek, his shoulder moving slightly. “If you weren’t here, I don’t think I’d be able to wake up and leave my bed in the morning and even less dream.’’

I brought my small arm on his chest over his heart and kept quiet. My Big No needed me as much as I needed him right now. If only he didn’t need me because he was sad, it would be better. At least, I still had him.

BROOKLYN

“Do you feel any better?’’ I asked with a soft voice as we sat on his hotel bed, after he’d taken a long shower.

It was still early, the sun was bright outside, but we had decided on an early night and I had followed him to his hotel. In fact, we hadn’t talked about it. Nolan had driven here and I had followed, keeping my hand on him at all times, just to remind him he wasn’t alone in his pain.

“I’m sorry I broke down like that,’’ he said, running a small towel over his damp hair before he threw it away somewhere in the corner of the room and sat next to me with his back against the head of the bed. Without my asking, he pulled me to his side and wrapped an arm around me.

I sighed and nuzzled my face into his bare chest. He wore only low riding sweatpants. He was gorgeous despite his obvious sadness, but I wasn’t in the mood to pounce on him. His pain was too pronounced and I cared about him too much for that.

“Don’t be sorry. You know what they say, it’s better to let it go and break down and not keep everything bottled up.’’ I kissed his chest without lingering and ran my fingers over his abs, tracing the lines and dips of his muscles as my mind wandered. “As weird as it sounds, I’m glad I was there when it happened.’’

“If it had been anyone else, I would have never cried. I know I can bare myself to you, Brooklyn and it has always been like that.’’

His voice rumbled in his chest under my ear and I wanted to crawl over him and never let go. I craved closeness, that unbreakable connection that was impossible to reach, but could be approached. I craved someone with whom I’d be sure who’d never leave me. My abandonment issues ran deep and yet I had never been abandoned by my parents—for that I’d need them to care about me in order to abandon me. And the person who had left me was Nolan but he was back.

“What do you mean?’’

He tilted my head up with his thumb under my chin and he traced my lips with his finger, applying just a little push on my lower lip to part them. His hazel eyes were locked on my mouth, unwavering. His eyelids became heavy, only at half-mast when his breathing brushed my face. Heat started to pool in my body and my hand on his abs tensed.

“I never played with you. What you saw was who I was, who I am and it never bothered you.’’

“Of course not!’’ I cupped his face and didn’t know if kissing him right now was the best idea when he seemed to want to talk. Sending the wrong message now would be bad. “You have nothing to hide from me.’’

He smiled, but it didn’t reach his sorrowful eyes. He caressed my jaw, my cheek, his eyes following his fingers. “What did I do for you to be so blind?’’

“You can’t be serious.’’ I watched his face not changing, still with the haunted mask. He truly believed that he wasn’t worth it. I shook my head slowly, almost imperceptibly as not to lose the contact of his palm now on my cheek as his fingers delved in my hair. “Nolan, you are the one who deserved so much more than me. You are a wonderful man with a good heart, someone strong enough and yet kind enough to pardon someone who had emotionally hurt you for years. How can you say that I’m blind where you’re concerned?’’

He leaned closer to me and kissed me. It was slow, thorough and I felt it in the deepest parts of my body. I whimpered in his mouth and let his tongue caress mine, his teeth nip my lips and his lips play with mine. He broke the kiss and put his forehead against mine, eyes closed.

“For me, Brooklyn,’’ he whispered roughly, his voice shallow. “You’ll always be the woman to whom I compare the others to. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met and just being around you makes my life easier, brighter. Just feeling your heartbeat makes me float, hearing your voice makes me happy and seeing your eyes… When your eyes are on mine they cut through me and make me want to be always better.’’

“Nolan—‘’

Knocks at the door interrupted me. He opened his eyes startled and he straightened, releasing me. I sat up and crossed my arms tightly around me, suddenly feeling out of place. Our bubble had been broken without care and it left me with an uneasy feeling, as if we couldn’t return in that bubble, as if we missed our chance at…something whatever that was.

He stood up and paddled to the door, his sweatpants riding even lower. With his bare feet, his naked torso and his still damp hair, he was the epitome of the gorgeous guy cliché and it was kind of dizzying sometimes.

He opened the door and I saw the muscles in his back stiffening and his shoulders tensing as his knuckles turned white when his grip on the door became deathly. I stood up, the bed cringing slightly. As soon as I took three steps toward the door, I felt my jaw ready to hit the floor and my body a breath away from jumping on the person facing Nolan in the hall.

His ex-girlfriend.

“What are you doing here?’’ Nolan asked with a detached voice, a perfect contradiction to his body’s reaction. He was coiled hard.

She began to cry softly, silent tears falling down her beautiful, yet very pale face. She didn’t look like the sophisticated girl I last saw or the mean girl who threatened me. She was tired and seemed quite small in front of Nolan.

“I think I’m pregnant,’’ she said between sobs and I sucked on my breath. Nolan shook his head. “I’m three weeks late.’’

I closed my mouth, gritting my teeth. Nolan turned around to me, his eyes glazed by the news and his mouth in a straight line. No trace of his lip ring. He was chewing it relentlessly. I put my palm up before he could say a word and I grabbed my handbag. I needed some fresh air and to be honest, this stuff had nothing to do with me. I was the odd one out, the third wheel.

I ignored his imploring eyes and ran out when he said my name. I ignored how my chest hurt or how my lungs seemed unable to take in some air. I ignored everything and just ran away in the direction of my home and curiously it wasn’t toward my apartment, but it was my parents’ house.

All the while I was running, ignoring the few cars honking me as they drove past me, I had only one thought turning around and around in my head.

Nolan could be a father soon and I’d lose him for good.

* * *

NOLAN

“Fuck. Fuck!’’ I couldn’t detach my eyes from Brooklyn. But she didn’t turn around and when she disappeared from the hall, I finally turned back to Lena.

She had always been a small woman, but right now she looked even smaller. I should probably give her some comfort and be the good guy, but I couldn’t. Just looking at her made me want to run away. Because if she was right…if she was pregnant…

I shook my head and cleared my throat, trying like hell to push away the panic, the anger and the despair.

“I didn’t want to do this over the phone,’’ she whispered weakly in between sobs.

My brain finally kicked in and I pushed away from the door, inviting her in. I turned around and quickly threw on a shirt. “Why didn’t you take a…hm…a pregnancy test?’’ My voice broke when the word pregnancy left my mouth.

I turned back around and found her near the door, her small arms crossed over her chest and her tear-filled eyes on my bare feet. It was obvious she was distraught and I needed to be the better man. Fuck, I was an adult! If I was able to get a woman pregnant, I needed to be man enough to face the consequences.

I took a deep breath, fought hard against my first instinct that was of running back to Brooklyn and instead focused on the matter at hands.

Lena could be pregnant with my baby.

Nausea hit me. I brought a hand to my sweaty forehead and gestured to the bed for her to sit.

“I’m afraid, Nolan. You broke up with me, you’re with another girl and now…’’ She shook her head. “I could be pregnant.’’

“Nothing’s sure, yet.’’

“Three weeks! I’m three weeks late. The longest in my life was four days.’’

“Fuck.’’ I paced in front of her, eyes on the floor. I couldn’t focus and keep my shit together. A child. I wasn’t ready to be a father. I didn’t even know how to be a father. And it shouldn’t be with Lena. It couldn’t. “I have to talk to Brooklyn.’’

“What?!’’

I braced myself and looked up. “I don’t know if you’re pregnant or not, but it concerns her too.’’

She stood up, her tears forgotten. I knew that look, the way she narrowed her eyes, the way her lips became fine lines. She was pissed. “We’re not in some freaking threesome! It’s none of her business.’’

“I’m dating her, Lena
.
He
r
. If you’re pregnant she’ll be a part of that kid’s life, whether you like it or not.’’

She scoffed and dried her face with a shaky hand. “Perfect. I’m going to be a single mom, my child will have an eighteen year old step-mother and a barely there father.’’

“What do you want me to say?’’ I roared, startling her. I opened my arms and gestured between us. “We’ve never loved each other, Lena. This kid isn’t planned and obviously it isn’t wanted, but I’m going to try and do my fucking best and if it’s not enough for you…’’

“What? I should suck it up?’’

“Yeah.’’ I nodded. “We have to deal with it as fucking adults.’’

I turned around and located my car keys on the bedside table. I grabbed them and put on my shoes. I needed to find Brooklyn.

“And you’re going after her. Damn, it really is a pattern whenever I’m around.’’

“Do you know what it’s like to be consumed by someone?’’ I pierced her with my glare, unable to control my wayward emotions. My anger at her was because I knew she wasn’t to blame if she was pregnant, but the fact was, she was messing up everything. I might have gotten her pregnant and I would be responsible, but right about now, all of me was begging for Brooklyn. I didn’t want to spend another second with Lena. I didn’t want to think about a baby. I just wanted Brooklyn.

“Funny that, that’s what I wanted to find with you.’’

“It can’t be found. It hit you, Lena.’’ I ran a hand in my still damp hair. “Look, book a room and ask the reception to charge my credit card. We’ll tackle the…hm…’’

“Pregnancy test?’’

“Yeah,’’ I mumbled. “We’ll buy a pregnancy test tomorrow and see what happens then.’’

I turned around ready to bolt when Lena’s hand on my wrist stopped me. I had to fight the urge to jump back at the feel of her skin against mine. The heat, the feel of her, her smell were all wrong.

“I didn’t want this.’’

I glanced at her over my shoulder and nodded. Gently, I pulled away and ran to my car. I was a dick for not being there for Lena when she obviously needed someone to comfort her, but my heart was somewhere else. I was scared to lose Brooklyn when I just got her.

* * *

BROOKLYN

They were home. The cars were parked in their places in front of the house, at the curb. As per usual, two doors down a huge party was being held and people were enjoying the summer night atmosphere by laughing and smoking outside. In one corner of the houses down the street, a thin guy was pacing, his eyes darting everywhere. Not only was he a junkie, but he was a dealer too. I fought back the chills threatening to break out and walked to the front door of the house I lived in for eighteen years. I pushed the small button of the ring bell and waited, not sure what I was looking for here. Thirty minutes ago I discovered that my boyfriend and best friend might become a father in a few months and I decided that it was a good idea to go and see my parents, people I shouldn’t even expect to seek for some kind of comfort from, people who hadn’t tried to reach me or see my new place.

My father opened the door and his face registered surprise when he recognized me under the low light of the street, barely drawing me clearly. His tired eyes were dark upon seizing me up. Was he looking for any trace of troubles? Was he concerned about my well-being?

“Are you alright?’’ he finally asked, his soft voice deeper than I could remember and yet, I saw him just shy of a week ago.

I nodded, but my shrug contradicted me. He was still wearing his cheap night blue suit, the one I most remembered him wearing for his job as an accountant. “Can I come in for a minute?’’

He let me in and looked up the street, probably searching my car. Someone normal would ask where my car was and how I came here, but I knew he wouldn’t. At this point, I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t care or because the hole between us was so big that even that was extremely strange to ask. We were worse than strangers.