Six Years (30 page)

His lips were bruising, almost punishing. His hips were thrusting hard into me, drawing out of me begging sounds as I pushed his shirt upward to explore his chest. He broke the kiss and released my hair to strip off his shirt. He threw it away and it landed on the couch. He then, before I could gather my thoughts and stop this, stripped me from my top and started to kiss the swell of my breasts spilling over my lacy red bra. Through the lace, he found my hard nipples and started to bite and tease them either with his mouth or fingers, not once neglecting one.

“Nolan,’’ I sighed as I let my hands travel down his back to push at his ass, needing more contact.

He fumbled with my shorts before he found the button and zipper, not wasting anymore time. “Help me here.’’ It wasn’t a plea. No, it was an order, authoritative and dark and it went straight to my pulsing need, stroking it some more. I lift my hips just long enough for him to get rid of it along with my shoes that made a low noise when they hit the ground on either side of him. “Open your legs. Wider.’’

I was exposed on the table and yet I didn’t feel self-conscious as I opened my legs wider to let him drink me in, his eyes caressing my skin, burning it. I extended my hands to access his pants and he let me unbutton him and push his pants down, not once making a move to help. His eyes on me watching my every move made me feel weak, shivers running down my spine. My breasts were heavier, aching in my bra and I needed to free them. I arched my back and unclasped it. Nolan did the rest. He kissed my neck and along my collarbone until he reached my strap and with his teeth, pushed it down my arms, slowly. The tip of his tongue teased my heated flesh a few times until we were both fully naked and as aroused as anyone could be.

Our mouths met again when our hands explored each other until his hand crept back in my hair and fisted it, making me moan louder. He thrust against me, his cock sliding against me to the point of mad frustration.

“Nolan I—‘’

“I know.’’ He replied before he let go of me and knelt to take a condom from his wallet still in his jeans. He put it on quickly before he came back to me, resuming his position. As he tugged hard on my hair behind my head and thrust his tongue in my mouth, he penetrated me. I panted in his mouth, we both were, and I clawed at his ass, urging him on.

The force of his thrusts made it difficult to stay on the table. I put a hand on it and hung on. Our bodies became frantic. I didn’t have enough. I begged for more. Always more. I wanted to feel him so deep in me that I would never forget. I needed him to lose it with me, to let loose of his primal desire. And he did.

“You’ll. Never feel. Like this with. Someone else,’’ he bit out between thrusts, his breathing hard in my ear. Then he bit the crook of my neck and my eyes rolled. I tightened my legs around him and let lose a sound I never thought I’d be able to produce.

“Don’t stop.’’

He tugged on my hair again and locked his hard and dark eyes with mine, his lips parted and swollen red. “I can’t stop.’’ He growled and his thrusts became more erratic as my orgasm was fast building.

I arched my back, pushing my heavy breasts into his firm chest. His hand spasmed on my waist. And then, it hit me. A hot wave, burning, bringing to ashes everything in me in the brightest, loudest fireworks ever. I clamped around him, pushing him over the edge and we clung to each other, desperately so. My blood rushed in my veins, fast and hard, making me dizzy as tears stream from my eyes with the force of my orgasm. And as fast as it started, it ended. My body crumbled on the table and I was laying there, breathing hard with sweat coating my heaving body.

Nolan supported himself on his forearms, his legs barely holding him up. I didn’t have his body against mine, didn’t have his eyes on me, didn’t have him inside of me. Already a hole was there, tearing us apart, keeping us apart.

I looked at him under heavy eyelashes and wanted to cry. He shook his head and glanced at me before he put a hand on my thigh and squeezed. It was the only contact, so tame after such a moment.

“Was it your way of saying goodbye?’’ he asked me quietly, his voice so small compared to what I was used to.

I couldn’t say a word so I just nodded and watched his eyes fill with sadness and it echoed in me. I should second guess my decision of putting an end to this, but I didn’t. I knew myself enough to be sure that I would never be the kind of girl to be with Nolan if he would have a kid with someone else. It might be immature, it might be ridiculous compared to my love for him, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready for this and I didn’t want to settle for something that wouldn’t bring me happiness like it should have. I didn’t want to taint the way I see my relationship with him.

He bent and put his pants back on, discarding the used condom in an ashtray close to me by some miracle didn’t fall from the table. I sat up and crossed my arms, suddenly wanting to hide as vulnerability hit me, chasing away the after-sex glow Nolan gave me. Fast, with jerky movements, he put on his t-shirt and turned around, not even sparing me a glance. He just left, but when he opened the door, I saw his hand shaking on the handle.

The sound of the door closing was my cue. I started to cry, sobs shaking me as I was still naked on the table. Alone.

* * *

NOLAN

I knew she was crying and that was why I couldn’t drive away. I was in my car, my eyes fixed on her bright window. I was still shaking, part from the intensity of making mad love to Brooklyn, and part from ending our relationship. Every fucking muscles were painful as if I was already feeling the withdrawal.

I swallowed thickly when my view became blurry. I wanted to cry, to yell and beg her. I wanted to say fuck to everything. I wanted to stop feeling that pain.

Most of all…

I wanted to keep Brooklyn in my arms, where I knew she belonged.

But I knew she needed time. I understood where she was coming from and I knew why she thought we should stop. That didn’t mean it hurt any less.

I thought seeing and talking to my mother hurt. I thought wondering if Lena was pregnant scared me. But it was without Brooklyn breaking it off with me.

That was scary, hurting.

I loved her and it took me way too long to say it and face it. But I loved her more than any fucking things in my fucked up world. I couldn’t do without her love, and I wouldn’t deny my love.

It wasn’t over. It couldn’t be. It would never be. She just needed time.

“What’s your worst nightmare?’’ I asked out of the blue. I was looking at the ceiling in Big No’s bedroom while he was scribbling in his small notebook.

“Why are you asking?’’

I shrugged but I new he couldn’t see me. He was too distracted by his new short story. I enjoyed watching him work, but sometimes it was also very annoying because he never wanted me to read anything he wrote.

“I don’t know. I was just wondering. I had a bad dream last night.’’

His chair made a scraping noise when he turned around, leaving his notebook closed on his small desk. He put his elbows on his knees and brought his chin in his hand. “What’s it ‘bout?’’ he mumbled without articulating.

I wrinkled my nose and felt a wave of panic hit. It’s been like this all day whenever I pictured my nightmare again, thinking about what I felt in that awful dream. “My parents were dead and you were the only one left with me, but then someone killed you in front of me and I never saw who it was.’’

Startled, he straightened up before he jumped to his feet and went to sprawl on his bed next to me, gathering me in his arms. “It was just a bad dream. Your parents are fine and I’m not going to die any time soon. Don’t worry about that.’’

I nodded against his chest. “It made me think, you know?’’

“About?’’

“Death.’’ Under my ear his heart accelerated some. “I never truly thought about it before even if I know my sister died in a car crash. Only now I’m starting to imagine you dead and…’’ My voice broke, but I wasn’t crying. Fear was too strong to let me cry again.

He kissed the top of my head like he often did. “Think about life, Little B. Life brings enough obstacles as it is to not fear death too. I’m here and I’m not going to die.’’

I sighed and nodded again. “Then what is your biggest fear?’’

“I have too many to list.’’

“Tell me just the biggest.’’

“Messing up my life, I guess.’’

“You don’t have to worry then.’’

“Why?’’

“Because you won’t mess it up.’’

He chuckled and I smiled in his chest, happy to hear this sound too much absent these days as the last day of school was fast approaching. “We’ll see about that.’’

“I’ll be there to kick your ass if you do.’’

He tensed for a second and I started to frown. What was the problem? Did I say something wrong? I replayed my words and couldn’t find a thing. A foreboding feeling started to grow, but I didn’t question it further. I didn’t want to. I knew Big No was hiding something, but I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to hurt.

“Yeah, Little B.’’

I closed my eyes tightly, wanting it to be a nightmare because I just knew. I wouldn’t be there to kick his ass. He wouldn’t have me in his life.

NOLAN

Side by side, we were frozen on the sidewalk, looking at the drug store in front of us. Lena was oddly quiet, keeping to herself in between sniffles that drove me mad. I couldn’t help the anger and the resentment I felt. It wasn’t directed at her, but it was more of a rage against everything that was my life.

I had spent the night tossing and turning in my empty bed. Most of my thoughts were turned toward Brooklyn and how she pushed me away. I understood her and I knew it would be too much for her to deal with me being a father. She was too fucking young for something like that and our relationship was even younger. But…

But I couldn’t be without her.

Now that I had had her, I couldn’t be without her. It wasn’t just because the sex was spectacular, but it was our connection. How could someone get rid of such a deep connection that just being in the vicinity of that person would be like being infused with life itself? I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

“Wh-what now?’’

I frowned and looked at Lena standing next to me. “Now we walk in and grab a pregnancy test. I need to know for sure if you are…uh…’’ I coughed uneasily and clenched my fists at my sides. “Pregnant.’’

“And you think I don’t need to know?’’ She sneered at me and I had to look away when her angry glare bit into me. A scorned woman was never good and I honestly felt guilty for putting her in this situation. I should have opened my eyes sooner and showed some balls. Our relationship hadn’t been one for a long time, if ever. We had started dating because she pushed me into it and I had been at a time I thought I needed to think of settling down. But there had never been a connection, I had never felt the interest of going on dates with her. I had never felt empty when she wasn’t close to me. And now…

“I know. Sorry.’’ I took a deep breath and walked in the drug store, Lena on my heels. Damn, if someone had told me I’d be in this mess, I would have never believed it. I glanced at the kid behind the counter and cringed at the thought of asking him in which aisle to find the pregnancy tests. Instead, I walked past with barely a nod. I scanned each aisle and finally located them.

“I didn’t know there were so many different ones,’’ Lena mumbled weakly next to me.

“Yeah well, a test is a test. Just grab one.’’ I waved at the boxes and turned my back to them, already feeling the nausea returning. I hadn’t been able to eat a single thing since yesterday.

“Could you be any more of a jerk?’’ She pushed past me, her head held high and her shoulders pushed back. I shook my head and rubbed at my aching temples.

I had thought I would never have kids. I didn’t want to risk a kid’s happiness because of my crap attitude and how little I knew of being a good parent, a role model. I thought it’d be best not to risk it. And if I had envisioned being a father, I wouldn’t have ever pictured the mess I was trapped in right now. The hypothetical kid didn’t deserve it, Lena and Brooklyn didn’t either.

I swallowed thickly and pushed away Lena’s hand when she made her way to snatch some bills from her wallet. The least I could do was pay for the fucking test. The kid quickly threw the box in a white paper bag and we hurried out.

Just before we reached my car Lena put a trembling hand on my forearm. I pulled back on instinct and turned toward her.

“What will happen if I’m pregnant? I don’t know what to do, Nolan. I don’t know.’’

I gritted my teeth and looked down to my feet. Hell if I knew. It wasn’t because I was a fucking grown up and financially independent that I knew what do to. I barely knew how to take care of myself. Just a few days ago I had faced what made me happy and only yesterday had I begun to put my past behind me. I wasn’t ready for that shit.

“We’ll find something. I…’’ I puffed and bit down on my lip ring. “I’ll be there.’’

“Really?’’ She laughed but it sounded all wrong. Her eyes were still hard on me, angry at me. She probably blamed me for everything and I got it. If I hadn’t decided to come back here to Riverdale, Lena and I would be living together and maybe I’d have proposed. I would have felt empty, but would have thought it was the right fucking thing to do, to prove to myself that I had my shit together. In reality, I had spent years trying to prove to myself something that wasn’t true. Lena was the collateral damage of my shit. And the kid she may have in her belly was, too. And I was the biggest jerk, an asshole, for thinking that way. But I was scared. So very much scared. How could I be a father?

“What do you want me to say, Lena? Sorry? Shit, it’s not like it’s going to change a fucking thing.’’

She turned her back to me and walked to the passenger side. I swallowed thickly, my fingers tightly gripping the keys. I wanted to do anything that would mean delaying the result of the test. Yet, I needed to know the result.

She huffed and it brought me back to the here and now. She had always been impatient, but this time around I got why she was. I pushed the button on the car key and climbed in the car.

“Let’s go back to the hotel. No reason to wait any longer.’’

“Sure. I bet you’re dying to get back t
o
that gir
l
.’’

I tried to ignore the poison in her voice and pressed on the gas. I didn’t look back at her, didn’t give her the satisfaction of showing her how mad I was whenever she talked about Brooklyn that way. I needed to give her some leeway. I hadn’t been the best boyfriend to her and I wasn’t being the most supportive man right now. So, instead of tearing her head off, I pressed harder on the gas.

* * *

BROOKLYN

The last time I felt that bad was when the guy I had met one summer left me suddenly to pursue his dream. It was such a common pattern with me because the last time it happened, it wasn’t Nolan. His name was Marlon and he was a very talented albeit very tortured guy. I had a big crush on him, was ready to put Nolan in the past for good and stop comparing every guy to him because Marlon had that persona going for him that made me feel reckless, made me forget my family and everything, really. It lasted almost four months and when he left, he asked for money because he was in some kind of trouble here and I gave it to him, gave him all the money I had saved over the years for my future apartment without a second thought. I hadn’t wanted something to happen to him. And then, two weeks after he had left I still had yet to have my period and I was all alone to deal with it.

Pregnancy scare. I knew all too well what it was like. How lonely and vulnerable it made you feel.

I had cried and wallowed, but had been too scared to even take the fucking test. Nobody had known, nobody could have forced me into taking it. And I had waited until one day a month later on a winter day I had slipped on some ice and went down hard. The night after I had bled. I couldn’t be sure and that doubt, that not knowing if I truly had been pregnant, was still difficult to face so I buried it, pushed it away in some dark corner of my mind.

But Nolan’s ex didn’t have the same issue. He would be there, would do the right thing whatever that right thing was. He would buy her the test, wait for her while she’d take it and be there either way. If she needed to cry, he’d give her a shoulder, if she needed a hug he’d give it to her. He was that kind of man without ever having a role model growing up. That made him more amazing in my eyes, no matter what.

I was cashing out after my day shift when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I handed the manager my receipts and money before I fished for my phone and answered without checking the caller’s ID.

“Yes?’’ I smiled at the manager and waved once he gave me a thumbs up that signaled the official end of my shift. I wanted to sigh with relief. I didn’t have my mind on work, on tending to customers. I did everything on autopilot and it resulted in only half the tips I was used to making. I needed to get my head back on track if I wanted to be able to afford living on my own.

“Miss Powell?’’ A female voice asked with a professional voice that didn’t hold any kind of emotion. It put me on guard. I wasn’t all that much into surprises and this one didn’t bode well either.

I pushed open the door to the employees locker room — it was a small back room with wavering light and very old and crusty lockers for the waitresses — and glanced around to be sure nobody was inside.

“Yes, I’m Brooklyn Powell. What’s going on?’’

“I’m calling from the Erickson Care Hospice about Mrs. Bell.’’

“Is she okay?’’ I asked with my stomach in my throat. I had called her this morning and she had sounded very tired and winded, but she’d told me that it was because it was difficult to be moved from the hospital and because she wasn’t sleeping well.

“That’s the reason I’m calling. I’m sorry Miss, but Mrs. Bell died this afternoon.’’

My legs went weak and my back hit the door as my mind went blank. I had her on the phone only this morning. She was…alive then. But she wasn’t anymore. “Did you call her son?’’

“When she arrived she asked us to remove her son from the list of people to contact. She wanted you to be the one to inform her son.’’ She gave me more platitudes before she rushed to hang up. I wasn’t even aware the line went dead for a few minutes until the weight of what I had to do hit me.

* * *

NOLAN

Lena was sitting on the toilet lid and her eyes were fixed on the test on the edge of the washbasin. Her hands were clasped between her thighs.

I was pacing the very small bathroom, my eyes going back to my phone every two seconds as if it would bend time. But the timer wasn’t hurrying more or slowing down. Seconds kept on ticking by, regularly as if nothing important and life altering could happen.

I was pretty sure that if Lena wasn’t sitting on the toilet I’d be throwing up. My stomach was into tight knots. My palms were sweaty. And there was this glaring thought burning up the inside of my head; Brooklyn wasn’t here. Selfishly, I really needed her by my side, comforting me. I wanted her to soothe me. I craved her presence because then I’d believe that she would always be there. But she wasn’t here and she wouldn’t be sharing my life as I wanted her to if a plus sign appeared on that fucking test.

In my hand, my phone vibrated and beeped. I startled and Lena’s eyes went to me. It was time.

I cleared my throat and reached out to snatch the test. I couldn’t hide my nerves with my shaking fingers closing around small plastic thing that held all the answers. I shook my head and looked down.

No plus sign.

No plus sign!

I felt the haunted mask slip off my face and a huge relieved sigh escaped me. I wanted to laugh, to fist bump the air like a moron, but I settled down and instead leaned heavily against the washbasin. I showed the test to Lena and she closed her eyes tightly when the news finally sunk in.

“It was just a scare.’’ I laughed softly, barely believing it. I wouldn’t have to beg for Brooklyn to stay with me. I wouldn’t have to prove to her that I would be hers even if I became a father with another woman.

“I really thought…’’ She stood up and took the test from my hands. Her eyebrows bunched over her eyes. “I mean…’’

“Are you disappointed that you’re not pregnant?’’ I stood straighter, feeling tension taking a hold of me again.

She shrugged and threw the test in the trashcan. “I don’t know. I guess…’’ She shook her head and walked out of the bathroom and back in the bedroom. “I was starting to think that maybe we could… I don’t know, be together.’’

“Because of a baby?’’ At her nod I swore under my breath and rubbed at my neck.  “You don’t love me, Lena, and I don’t love you either. I would have been there to raise my kid and love him, but that’s all. The truth is, since you knocked at my bedroom door last night and Brooklyn left, I kept thinking about ways to convince her to stay with me. It wouldn’t have changed that.’’

She nodded stiffly. “You could do better.’’

“Not to be harsh, but I am doing better. I love her and she loves me. She completes me in every way. You and I?’’ I gestured between us. “It was convenient and a half-assed attempt for me to be the adult I thought I should be. You can do better than that.’’

Her glare didn’t soften, but I saw understanding on her face. Yes, her plans for us went out the window and it’s probably difficult for her considering that she’d spent the better part of our relationship pushing for the next step between us. And I followed. Not anymore.