Size 12 Is Not Fat (17 page)

And it’s pretty much begging for more.

Then it’s like I can’t think at all for a while. Except…

Well, I do have this one thought, toward the end. This thought I really wish I hadn’t had.

And that’s
Wrong brother
.

That’s all. Just that I’m definitely, positively rolling around on the floor with the
wrong brother
.

And I’m not real proud of it.

The worst part of it is, it isn’t even that good. I guess the best I can say is that it’s quick—thank God, because the hallway runner is beneath me, not the most comfortable carpet in the house. And it’s safe—Jordan came prepared, like any good Easy Street member.

Other than that, it doesn’t end up being much different than the sex we used to have every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday…

…with the obvious exception being that, this time,
I’m
the other woman.

I wonder if Tania ever felt as guilty about it as I do. Somehow, I doubt it. Tania doesn’t strike me as someone who ever feels guilty about anything. I once saw her throw a Juicy Fruit wrapper on the ground in Central Park. She doesn’t even feel guilty about
littering.

Another notable difference to our post-breakup sex, as opposed to our pre-breakup sex, is that Jordan gets up almost immediately after we’re finished and starts getting dressed. Back when we’d been dating, he’d just roll over and go to sleep.

When I sit up and stare at him, he says, “I’m sorry, but I gotta go,” like someone who just remembered a real important dental appointment.

Here’s the
really
embarrassing part: I feel kind of sad.
Like there’d been this part of me that had been sure he’d roll over and say he was going to call Tania and break up with her RIGHT NOW because he wants to be with me forever.

Not, you know, that I’d have gone back to him if he had. Probably not.

Okay, definitely not.

But it’s…well, it’s
lonely
, when you don’t have anyone. I mean, I don’t want to come off sounding like Rachel. I’m not saying that if I had a boyfriend—even Cooper, the man of my dreams—it would cure all my problems.

And I’m not about to start eating salad with no dressing if that’s what I have to do to get one—I’m not
that
desperate.

But…it would be nice to have
someone
care.

I don’t mention any of this to Jordan, though. I mean, I have
some
pride. Instead, when he says he’s leaving, I just go, “Okay.”

“I mean, I would stay,” he says, tugging his shirt over his head, “but I got a real early press junket tomorrow. For the new album, you know.”

“Okay,” I say.

“But I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says, fastening the buttons of his fly. “Maybe we can have dinner, or something.”

“Okay,” I say.

“So, I’ll call you,” Jordan says, from the foyer.

“Sure,” I say. I think we both know he’s lying.

After he leaves, and I’ve locked up behind him, I creep up the stairs to my apartment, where I’m met by an extremely exuberant Lucy, eager for her evening walk. As I look for her leash, I glance through the windows of my kitchen, and see the upper floors of Fischer Hall.

I wonder if Christopher Allington has managed to talk his
way into Amber’s pants as easily as Jordan Cartwright talked his way into mine.

Then I remember that said pants are still downstairs, and I hurry down to get them before Cooper comes home and finds the proof of my profound stupidity on the hallway runner.

I’m right about one thing:

Rachel is
totally
curious about Jordan, and the nature of my relationship with him.

The minute I walk into the office the next morning—wet hair, mug of steaming coffee from the caf in my hand, big scarlet letter on my blouse (just kidding about that last part), Rachel is all “So you and your ex-boyfriend seemed to be getting along pretty well last night.”

She has
no
idea how true this statement really is.

“Yeah” is all I say, as I sit down and look up the phone number for Amber’s room.

Rachel totally doesn’t take the hint.

“I saw you two outside,” she goes on. “Talking to President Allington’s son.”

“Chris,” I say. “Yeah.” I pick up the phone and dial Amber’s number.

“He seems nice,” Rachel says. “The president’s son.”

“I guess,” I say. For a murderer.

Amber’s phone rings. And rings.

“Cute, too,” Rachel goes on. “And I hear he’s quite wealthy. Trust fund from his grandparents.”

This last is news to me. Oh my God, maybe Christopher Allington’s like Bruce Wayne! Seriously. Only evil. Like maybe he’s had this whole cavern dug out from beneath Fischer Hall, and he takes innocent girls down there, has his way with them, then drugs them and takes them back upstairs and drops them down the elevator shaft…

Except that I’ve spent a lot of time in the bowels of Fischer Hall with the exterminator, and there’s nothing under there but mice and a lot of old mattresses.

Someone picks up the phone in Amber’s room. A girl’s voice says sleepily, “Hello?”

“Hello,” I say. “Is this Amber?”

“Uh-huh,” the sleepy voice says. “This is Amber. Who’s this?”

“No one,” I say. Just wanted to make sure you were still alive. “Go back to sleep.”

“Okay,” Amber says groggily, and hangs up the phone.

Well, Amber’s still alive, anyway. For now.

“So are you and Jordan getting back together?” Rachel wants to know. She doesn’t seem to think my calling students and waking them up for no apparent reason at all strange.
Which actually says a lot about the weirdness of the place where we work, and our jobs there. “You make the cutest couple.”

Fortunately I’m saved from having to reply by my phone, which begins ringing right then. I answer it, wondering if Amber has caller ID and wants to know what the hell I’m doing, waking her up at nine in the morning on a school day.

Only it isn’t Amber on the other end. It’s Patty, going, “Okay, tell me everything.”

“About what?”

I’m not actually feeling very good. All I wanted to do when I woke up this morning was pull the covers back over my head and stay in bed forever and ever.

Jordan. I slept with
Jordan
. Why, God, why?

“Whadduya mean
about what
?” Patty sounds shocked. “Haven’t you seen the paper today?”

I feel my blood run cold for the second time in twenty-four hours.

“What paper?”

“The
Post
,” Patty says. “There’s a photo of you two kissing right on the cover. Well, you can’t really see that the woman’s you, but it’s definitely not Tania Trace. And it’s definitely Cooper’s front stoop—”

I say a word that sends Rachel skittling out of her office, asking if everything is all right.

“Everything’s fine,” I say, placing a shaking hand over the receiver. “It’s nothing, really.”

Meanwhile Patty is busy squawking in my ear.

“The headline says
Sleazy Street
. I guess they mean because Jordan’s scamming on his fiancée. But don’t worry, they call you the ‘unidentified woman.’ God, you’d think they’d be able to figure it out. But it’s obviously an amateur shot, and your head is in shadows. Still, when Tania sees it—”

“I don’t really want to talk about this right now,” I interrupt, feeling queasy.

“Don’t want to?” Patty sounds surprised. “Or can’t?”

“Um. The latter?”

“I gotcha. Lunch?”

“Okay.”

“You are such a dope.” But Patty is chuckling. “I’ll swing by around noon. Haven’t seen Magda in a while. Can’t wait to hear what SHE has to say about this.”

Neither can I.

I hang up. Sarah comes in, full of eager questions about—what else? Jordan. All I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. Why? WHY? WHY had I been so WEAK?

But since you can’t cry at work without seventy people coming up to you and going, “What’s wrong? Don’t cry. It’ll be okay,” I pull out a bunch of vending machine refund requests and started processing them instead, bending over my calculator and trying to look super busy and responsible.

It isn’t like Rachel doesn’t have plenty to do herself. She found out earlier in the week that she’d been nominated for a Pansy. Pansys are these medals, in the shape of a flower, that the college gives out to staff and administrators every semester when they’ve done something above and beyond the line of duty. For instance, Pete has one for ramming this girl’s door down when she barricaded herself behind it and turned on the gas in her oven. He completely saved her life.

Magda has one, too, because—weird as she is, with the movie star thing—the kids, for the most part, just adore her. She makes them feel at home, especially every December, when, in disregard of all campus regulations, Magda decorates her cash register with a stuffed Santa, a miniature crèche, a menorah, and Kwanzaa candles.

I personally think it’s nice that Rachel got nominated.
She’s dealt with a lot since she started here at Fischer Hall, including two student deaths in two weeks. She’s had to notify two sets of parents that their kid is dead, pack up two sets of belongings (well, okay, I did that, both times), and organize two memorial services. The woman deserves a pansy-shaped medal, at the very least.

Anyway, because of her Pansy nomination, Rachel is automatically invited to the Pansy Ball, this black-tie affair held annually on the ground floor of the college library, and she’s all aflutter about it, since the ball is tonight and she keeps insisting she has nothing to wear. She says she’s going to have to go hit some sample sales at lunch to see if she can find something suitable.

I know what this means, of course. She’ll be coming back with the most beautiful gown any of us has ever seen. When you’re a size 2, you can just pop into any store and find hundreds of totally stunning options.

When I’m finished with the refund requests, I announce that I’m going to disbursements to get them cashed, and Rachel waves me away, thankfully not commenting on the fact that I hate waiting on line at Banking (which was Justine’s favorite place) and usually send a student worker to do it.

Of course, on my way to disbursements, I swing by the caf to see Magda. She takes one look at my face and informs her supervisor, Gerald, that she’s taking a ten-minute break, even though Gerald’s like, “But you just went on break half an hour ago!”

Magda and I walk out into the park, sit on a bench, and I pour out the whole stupid Jordan story.

When she’s done laughing at me, Magda wipes her eyes and said, “Oh, my poor baby. But what did you expect? That he was going to beg you to come back?”

“Well,” I say. “Yes.”

“But would you have gone with him?”

“Well…no. But it would have been nice to be asked.”

“Look, baby, you know and I know that you are the best thing that has ever happened to him. But him? He just wants a girl who will do whatever he say. And that is not you. So you let him stay with Miss Bony Butt. And you wait for a
nice
man to come along. You never know. He might be closer than you think.”

I know she’s talking about Cooper.

“I told you,” I say, miserably. “I’m not his type. I’m going to have to get like four degrees just to compete with his last girlfriend, who discovered a dwarf sun, or something, and got it named after her.”

Magda just shrugs and says, “What about this Christopher you were telling me about, then?”

“Christopher
Allington
? Magda, I can’t date him! He’s a possible murderer!”

When I reveal my suspicions concerning Christopher Allington, Magda gets very excited.

“And no one would suspect him,” she cries, “because he is the president’s son! It’s like in a movie! It’s perfect!”

“Well, almost perfect,” I say. “I mean, why would he go around killing innocent girls? What’s his motive?”

Magda thinks about that for a while, and comes up with several theories based on movies she’d seen, like that Chris has to kill people as an initiation rite into some kind of secret law school society, or that possibly he has a split personality or a deranged twin. Which brings her around to the fact that Chris Allington is probably going to be at the Pansy Ball, and if I really want to play detective, I should wrangle myself a ticket and go observe him in his natural element.

“Those tickets cost like two hundred dollars, unless you’re nominated for a Pansy,” I inform her. “I can’t afford one.”

“Not even to catch a murderer?” Magda asks.

“He’s only a
potential
murderer.”

“I bet Cooper could get a pair.” I’d forgotten that Cooper’s grandfather was a major New York College benefactor, but Magda hasn’t. Magda never forgets anything. “Why don’t you go with him?”

I haven’t had much to smile about lately, but the thought of Cooper putting on a tuxedo does make me kind of laugh. I doubt he’s ever even owned one.

Then I stop smiling at the idea of my asking him to go with me to the Pansy Ball. Because he’d never agree to it. He’d want to know why I want to go so badly, then lecture me for sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong.

Magda sighs when she hears this.

“Okay,” she says, regretfully. “But it could have been just like a movie.”

I spend my time at Banking carefully
not
thinking about the night before—which had definitely been nothing like a movie. If it had been like a movie, Jordan would have showed up this morning with a big bouquet of roses and two tickets to Vegas.

Not, you know, that I’d have gone with him. But like I said, it would have been nice to be asked.

I’m walking back across the park, toward Fischer Hall, mentally rehearsing the “I’m sorry, but I just can’t marry you” speech I decide I’m going to give to Jordan in case, you know, he
does
turn up with the flowers and the tickets, when I look up, and there he is.

No, seriously. I practically bump into him on the sidewalk in front of the building.

“Oh,” I say, clutching an envelope filled with dollar bills to my chest protectively, like it might be able to ward him off. “Hi.”

“Heather,” Jordan says. He’s standing beside a black stretch limo parked—not exactly unobtrusively—in front of the dorm. He’s obviously just come from his press junket. He doesn’t have any roses with him, but he does have on multiple platinum chains and a very hang-dog look.

Still, I don’t feel too sorry for him. After all,
I’m
the one with the rug burns on my ass.

“I’ve been waiting out here for you,” Jordan says. “Your boss said you’d be back within the hour, but—”

Oops. It’s eleven-thirty, and I’d left the office at ten. Rachel probably hadn’t anticipated my heading out to the park to chat with Magda.

“Well,” I say. “I’m back.” I look around, but I still don’t see any flowers. Which is fine, since I’ve forgotten my speech anyway. “What’s up?”

You are not getting back together with him, I tell myself, firmly. You are
not
getting back together with him. Even if he crawls on his knees…

Well, maybe if he crawls on his knees.

No! Not even then! He’s the wrong brother, remember? The wrong brother!

Jordan looks around uncomfortably. “Listen. Can we go somewhere and talk?”

“We can talk right here,” I say. Because I know if I go off somewhere alone with him, I might do something I’ll regret later.

Might? I already
had.

“I’d feel better,” he says, “if we could talk inside the limo.”

“
I’
d feel better,” I say—stay strong, stay strong—“if you’d just say what you have to say.”

Jordan looks surprised at the firmness of my tone. It surprises me, too.

That’s when I realize that he probably believes I think we’re getting back together or something.

Ahem.

Next thing I know, he’s spilling his guts right there on the sidewalk.

“It’s just that…I’m…I’m really confused right now, Heather,” he says. “I mean, you’re so…well, you’re just great. But Tania…I talked it over with Dad, and I just…well, I can’t break up with Tania right now. Not with the new album coming out. My dad says—”

“
What?
” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I mean, I believe it. I just can’t believe he’s actually saying it.

“Seriously, Heather. He’s really pissed about that photo in the
Post
—”

“You don’t think that
I
—”

“No, no, of course not. But it looks really bad, Heather. Tania’s got the best-selling album on the label right now, and my dad says, you know, if I were to leave her, it’d really hurt
my
new album’s chances of—”

“Okay,” I say. I don’t think I can bear to hear any more. This so isn’t anything I’d rehearsed a speech for. “It’s all right. Really, Jordan. It is.”

And the weirdest thing is that, at that moment, it kind of
is
all right. Somehow, hearing Jordan tell me that he can’t get back together with me because his dad won’t like it completely snuffs out whatever romantic feelings I still have for him.

Not that I had any. Anymore.

Jordan’s mouth kind of falls open in astonishment. He’d clearly been expecting tears of some kind. And in a way, I
do
feel like crying. But not because of him.

I don’t see any point in telling Jordan that, though. I mean, the guy has enough problems as it is. Sarah would probably have a field day diagnosing all his deep-seated neuroses…

Jordan returns my smile with almost childlike relief, and says, “Wow. Okay. That’s just…that’s really sweet of you, Heather.”