Skin (20 page)

Then reality returned. Her cycle was due to start in just a couple of days, so chances were good she wasn’t pregnant. It had happened to other people – but she wasn’t that lucky.

It would be better at this point if she weren’t pregnant.
Liar.
She’d be delighted if it turned out she was. Still, there couldn’t be any more of this without responsible birth control. She had no idea which way to go, or even if there would be another incident. The seminar would be over tomorrow. They had all day to work on the projects before presenting them to Jenna just before noon. The afternoon would be a summary of the course, and she and Kane would be the last to present their homework. Thank God. She hadn’t finished or made it anywhere close to finishing the project.

She scrambled out of bed and grabbed her laptop. It was after dinner. In fact, it was almost bedtime. She opened her laptop to find a note tucked inside from Kane.

Instantly, she gave a happy sigh. He hadn’t left without a goodbye.

“Hey sleepyhead. I’m going to get dinner and will bring back something for you. If you want to call me, here’s my number. Otherwise, I’ll be back soon.”

Her heart melted. Not only had he not been gone long, but he’d thought of her enough to bring her something to eat.

Then they had to do their homework.

She turned on her laptop, grabbed her camera, and started downloading pictures.

There were hundreds. While waiting, she stepped into the shower but kept her hair up and out of the water. She didn’t want to sleep with it wet, and if Kane was coming back, she really didn’t want wet hair to dampen his ardor.

In the water, she slowly moved the sponge across her body, wondering why everything felt so different, alive. As if his touch, their lovemaking, had awakened millions of nerve endings she’d never known about.

Considering the physical differences, she had to stop and consider – how did she feel mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually?

Standing under the heavy force while hot water beat down on her skin, she smiled, letting the water wash over her. She felt…wonderful. Renewed. Her heart was exploding with happiness, joy, love, and yes… relief. She’d made love with Kane. Sure, she’d had a little freak out, but with his help, she’d pushed through to a surprise ending. She’d never thought it could be that good. Sure, she’d heard other girls giggling over their sexual encounters and sharing stories – something she couldn’t ever imagine doing about Kane. He was too special, the stories too intimate, the emotions too overwhelming. No matter where she and Kane went as a couple, she’d always be grateful for what he’d done.

He didn’t want her gratitude. She knew that instinctively, but he had it regardless – forever.

She didn’t know when the first tears started. Once started, though, she couldn’t hold back and they cascaded down her cheeks to blend with the hot water beating down on her face. Then she started to sob. She wrapped her arms around her chest and cried.

She couldn’t even begin to voice the outpouring of emotion. But as if a huge scab had been ripped off – a premature scab, as if the wound underneath hadn’t reached that point of healing – the pus buried deep inside poured out.

The hot water beat down on her body as she cried for the little girl she’d been back then, for the lost years of innocence and for the many years in between when she’d existed in only half a world. The years after where she’d tried hard to be normal but had been faking it all the way.

She hadn’t known how badly damaged she’d been until now, how thin and fragile her psyche. Now, her deepest fears had been opened and the darkest poisons festering inside released.

Time passed. She didn’t know how long she’d stood under the water. She hadn’t been aware that she’d dropped to a crouch, rocking herself back and forth, until strong arms grabbed her.

She shrieked and flailed her arms.

“Easy, Tinkerbelle, it’s just me.” Kane’s voice washed over her, and she collapsed, sobbing against his chest.

“Sorry,” she whispered over and over again. The water was turned off, and she was bundled up in a towel and carried out to the bedroom.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” He held her so carefully, as if she’d break. She’d have laughed if she could have, because she was already broken.

Her sobs slowed and finally turned into a damp sniffling by the time he had her tucked in the bed, a second towel moving briskly over her hair.

When he finished, he picked up the hairbrush and brushed her hair in long, sure strokes. She tilted her head back and let him.

It felt so good. It brought up one more piece of poison to be examined and maybe, if she was lucky, released.

In a hoarse whisper, she said, “He broke my ribs, my collarbone, and a finger. He was so angry.”

The brushing stopped. For a long moment, she thought he was going to leave, but then the gentle movement resumed. Barely leashed anger resounded in his voice as he said, “Why was he angry?”

“He wanted a child, like seven or eight. Instead, I was thirteen and already going through puberty.”

*

Kane wanted to
kill someone, a specific someone. He wanted to pulverize the asshole that had taken a beautiful child and broken her because he’d made assumptions based on her size. That the asshole was a child predator to begin with made him sick of his sex.

That Tania had been dealing with this for so long, without a break, without an end, said so much about the person she was inside.

“Is that why you were crying in the shower?”

She immediately shook her head. “I’m not sure what started the tears. But it’s like an old injury was finally brought to light so I could release it. Sort of like a purging. I’m so tired.” She yawned. “I feel empty. But at the same time, I feel renewed, as if now I can fill those empty places with something good.”

She curled up on the bed and fell asleep – just like that.

Kane stared down at her, wondering again at the trust in him. She’d gone from shocked and lashing out at him in panic before she understood who was in the shower with her to instant acceptance, letting him look after her.

Now she slept with the innocence of a child.

But her admission, something she’d never told anyone – yeah, her admission had ripped his heart out. So much pain and horrible memories being brought to the light of day and then released.

It was exhausting work. She needed to rest. He looked down at his soaking-wet clothing, the hairbrush in his hand. “What am I going to do?” Her dinner was sitting on the desk. He’d passed Jenna in the hallway and had given Tania’s excuses for missing dinner. Jenna hadn’t missed much in that sharp glance of hers, but after making sure Tania was indeed fine, she’d walked away. There would be a therapy session tomorrow. A good thing for Tania. She needed someone experienced to help her at this stage.

Did she still need him?

And what did he need?

Right now, he could use a conversation with Jenna. He pulled out his cell phone and called her. “Do you have time for coffee?” he asked, thankful she was here at the hotel and basically on-call for the attendees. Stuff came up and people needed to talk. It was the first time he’d done this, though.

“Yes,” she said instantly. “Shall we go to the coffee shop, or do you want to meet elsewhere?”

“Coffee shop in five minutes.” He closed the cell phone, grabbed his hotel key card, and left. With any luck, Tania would sleep until he got back.

Jenna was waiting for him.

He slid into the bench opposite her, ordered coffee, and waited silently for it to be delivered.

“I need help.” There, cool and direct – his style. “For Tania.”

Her gaze narrowed and her lips twitched. “In what way?”

“She’s had a major breakthrough, like a traumatic type of breakthrough. I don’t know what to do for her.”

“Tell me.”

He took a deep breath, then something in him made him stop. He winced. “She might not like me talking to you. It’s personal.”

“Then let me tell you, and you can nod or shake your head.” Damned if Jenna didn’t run through the list of their lovemaking, bonding, bringing up old memories, nightmares, and an outpouring sob-fest.

He nodded, nodded, and just kept nodding. “Damn, you do know.”

She smiled gently, so much compassion and understanding in her gaze that he realized she knew so much because she’d lived it herself. Then another piece of the puzzle called ‘Jenna’ slipped into place. She helped others because she came from a place of having healed herself.

Feeling better, he said, “So, what do I do?”

“Be there for her.” Jenna’s response was instant and confident, but then she ruined it. “If you can.”

And that allowed doubt to enter his mind. “I don’t know,” he said in a low voice. “This is deep stuff.”

“And now it’s not so deep. All hurts, once opened to the light of day, have the power to heal. When we keep them buried and hidden, they only fester.”

“She’s come a long way.”

“She has.” Jenna sipped her coffee calmly, waiting.

He sighed. “I don’t know if I’m up for this.”

She nodded. “Then you need to say goodbye to her, knowing that your part in her healing journey is over.”

Her quick response saying he could leave pissed him off. “I didn’t say I wanted to get
out
of this, I’m just not sure I can
do
this.”

“Understood.” She waited.

Damn, he hated that. He stared moodily out the window, the late sun sinking in the horizon, throwing gorgeous hues on the hills surrounding them. The campus was beautiful but like everything, there was a dark side to it.

“I want to know her whole story, but at the same time, the bits and pieces I do know make me so angry.”

She sipped her coffee. He turned to look at her to see that she was studying his hand. He stared down at his big mitt and understood he wasn’t clenching his fist, even though he was angry. At a level he hadn’t seen in a long time, it wasn’t physical anger. He was hurting. For her. He knew he could never right the wrong. He could only help her make the most of every day, but it was a big job. Maybe too big. “I don’t think I can help her.”

“You already have.”

“So much more needs to be done.”

“That’s for her to do.”

“And what do I do for her?” he cried. “It seems so little.”

“What you are doing is so very much.”

He stopped and stared at her. “How? What am I doing?”

“You’re caring for her, standing by her, being there for her, supporting her as she walks this difficult journey. That’s something she’s never had.”

Jenna smiled, a warm loving movement that fascinated him. “You are doing the best thing anyone can do for her – you are loving her.”

That was when he recognized what his next step needed to be.

To go back and keep loving her; not to let her put distance between them, to throw up barriers, to keep herself inside and him on the outside. But to give them a chance – to see what they could be. He had more insecurities than he’d ever had about a relationship, but the rewards were exponential as well.

He didn’t want to miss this chance.

He shook his head. “It’s really that simple, isn’t it?”

“It usually is, but what about your issues? How are you handling your problems while you’ve been helping her deal with hers?”

He smiled at the way-too-wise woman sitting across from him. “That’s the thing, isn’t it? While I was so focused on helping her, I stopped thinking about my own problems and when I turned around, my anger was gone. It had dissipated, no longer letting me hide from the real problem; my wife’s betrayal, the guilt of not having been able to save my child, and the grief of losing my daughter.”

She reached across the table and laid her hand gently on his. “Sounds like you’ve been through a lot yourself.”

“And came out on the other side without really realizing what I’d done,” he admitted. “I was so focused on Tania, I’d let go of my own problems.”

“It’s called healing. And it often happens when we’re more concerned about helping someone else.”

He lifted his cup, drained it, and put it down. “Thank you. I’m going back to Tania so she doesn’t wake up alone. Maybe tomorrow you can check in and see how she’s doing.”

“I will,” Jenna promised. Knowing she watched him but not caring, Kane stood up and headed back to where he really wanted to be.

At Tania’s side.

It was only as he approached her doorway that he realized he didn’t have the key card to get back inside her room.

He dropped his forehead on the door. Shit.