Sleeping Awake (7 page)

“Do you still have Earl Grey with a pain au chocolat
and fresh fruit for your breakfast?” Bryn asked.

I had woken up the next morning to find myself in one
of guest bedrooms of his mother’s penthouse. After showering and putting on the
dress that Bryn had laid out for me, I slowly made my way upstairs to the
living area. Bryn was crossing to the terrace with a breakfast tray in hand
when I appeared on the landing.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Great,” he replied, walking away. “We’re eating on
the terrace, if you don’t mind. By all accounts, it’s suppose to be a lovely
day.”

I followed behind him at a distance. Though he was
clearly still upset with me, he waited until I sat to begin pouring the tea.

“Are you going to be mad at me for the entire day?” I
asked.

He shrugged.

“Such a shame,” I said, leaning backwards to allow the
sunlight to shine on my face. I closed my eyes. If I concentrated enough, I
felt as if I could smell the Caribbean Sea. “It would be a waste to spend such
a
lovely day
in a tiff…”

“Drink your tea,” he replied.

I sat up, sighing. “Bryn…”

“I rang your mother this morning and told her that I
had snuck you out last night to attend my mother’s birthday party. I promised
that you had your medicine and that you’d ring her after breakfast,” he said,
cutting me off. I watched him as he attacked his croissant with a knife and
wondered if he was perhaps fantasizing about knocking some sense into me.

“Thank you,” I said, reaching for my tea. “Mmmm…” I
murmured, “Fabulous. I swear, you’re the only person I know who can make a good
cup of tea.”

 “Don’t lower yourself to base flattery, Noira,”
Bryn remarked. “It’s very unbecoming.”

“I wasn’t trying to suck up to you,” I replied. “I was
simply making a comment. If you’re going to continue to treat me like this,
I’ll just…”

“Just what?” he asked, sitting up. “Leave? And go
where? Certainly not the house that you ran away from last night…”

I sat back down. I hated the way that he knew me so
well.

“I’m sorry that I was such a whore last night,” I
said. “I’ll go to mass and ask for forgiveness this Sunday.”

Bryn rolled his eyes. “Don’t annoy me, Noira. What you
did was very foolish.”

“It was just sex.”

Bryn’s fingers tightened around his teacup. “I don’t
care about your ruddy sex life, Noira! I am referring to the fact that you
stopped taking your medication, without consent from your doctor, knowing very
well that it was a dangerous and stupid thing to do! Your nervous system is a
wreck, and you fainted!”

“Oh,” I murmured, leaning further into my tea.

“Oh!” he continued. “Dr. Mintz told me the side
effects of Cymbalta and Lamictal withdrawal and by all accounts, you are going
through severe withdrawal. She recommends that you resume taking the medication
and slowly wean yourself off of it. Of course, you know best, so you’re not
going to!”

“I’ll be fine, Bryn,” I said. “It’s just going to be a
very emotional rollercoaster for the next few weeks, with a bit of brain zaps,
nausea and headaches in between… Possibly the occasional fainting spell.”

Bryn put down his teacup. “Are you hearing yourself?”

“Yes, Bryn, I am hearing myself,” I replied, sitting
up and putting down my teacup. “I’m not going back on the Cymbalta. It didn’t
do anything for the depression, it just made me unable to sleep, highly
irritable and even more suicidal. I don’t even know what the hell the Lamictal
was for, because I jumped from depressed to invincibility and in between like a
ping-pong ball. And every time that I complained that it wasn’t working, they’d
just up the dosage and tell me that I’d soon start to feel better. If I go back
to Golden Ridge or to any psychiatrist, I’ll just be put on a different
cocktail. I’ve been ‘unwell’ for the past eight years, and I have been on every
imaginable dosage of every imaginable medication. The Lexapro caused insomnia
and made me hallucinate, because of the lack of sleep. The Seroquel made me
gain 25 pounds in one month and put me well on the path of Type 2 Diabetes. The
Ambien didn’t make me sleep. The Ambien CR made me fall asleep for about two
hours, but then I’d wake up again and find myself staring at the walls. The
melatonin was the same. Abilify made me strung out and unable to concentrate,
so I’d have to take a Lorazepam to counter its effect. The Lorazepam made me
feel as if I was living in a vacuum; I was always drowsy, always sluggish and
complete devoid of all senses. Hell, I even had a psychiatrist who had me on
Benadryl, Ambien CR
and
melatonin at night, but I still could not sleep.
I am not taking any more fucking medication!”

Bryn whistled. “Bloody hell Noira.”

“Indeed!” I reached for my teacup and took a sip.
“You’ve made my tea go cold.”

“I’ll put on another pot,” Bryn said, standing up.

I wiped away the tears that were forming as he walked
away, took up his phone and dialled Maman’s number. Knowing her, she’d have her
phone in her pocket and would be checking it every other minute until I called.
She answered on the first ring.

“Hello?” she said; she sounded breathless.

“Hi Maman,” I replied.

“Ça va? Tu n’étais pas là ce matin et…”

“Maman, I’m fine, don’t worry. I didn’t want to wake
you last night,” I said. “I’m sorry if I worried you.”

“Are you taking your medication? Bryn said that you
have it with you, but the bottles are here…”

“Dr. Mintz brought me medicine this morning,” I said.

“Nina’s doctor?” Maman asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

She knew that Dr. Mintz was Bryn’s mother personal
physician, so this news would calm her down.

“Okay, that’s good. When will you come home?” she
asked.

“That’s why I called you,” I said, taking a deep
breath. “Please don’t be offended by this Maman, but if it’s alright with you,
I’d like to stay with Bryn for a few more days. I know that it wasn’t your
intention, but it feels as if I’m living in a prison at home. You and Cienna
are always watching me, and it’s not doing anything for my self-esteem. I need
to be alone for a while and to do normal things without having to look over my
shoulder to see if I am being watched.”

Maman was silent.

“I know that you only want the best for me,” I
continued. “I promise that I’ll take my medicine. Bryn has been very persistent
about this.”

“Yes,” Maman finally replied. Her voice was deadpan.
“I assumed that he would be. He’s very responsible, Bryn…”

Bryn rounded the corner.

“Maman, I have to go. Bryn is bringing the tea.”

“Wait!” she said anxiously. “You will come home in a
few days, won’t you?”

“Oui, Maman.”

“A plus tard, alors,”
she said.
“Je t’aime.”

“I love you too
,”
I replied. “See you.”

Bryn sat down and began pouring my tea. “All went
well?”

“Yes,” I said. “I told her that I was fine and that
I’d be home in a few days.”

“So you’re staying over?” Bryn asked, smiling.

I shook my head and smiled back. “I’ve got no place to
go, do I? I can’t exactly go to…”

“Tal’s?” Bryn guessed.

“That’s the one.”

“You’re even worse than I am,” he said. “At least I
get their names before I take them home.”

“I neither have the time, nor the patience for that,”
I replied.

“No,” he said. “You just play Mad Mavis and scare the
shit out of them instead.”

*~*

A few nights later, Bryn’s
mother had left to visit his grandmother in Cardiff, and we were driving up the
path towards his house on the island.

“Did you forget that you were
having a party?” I asked. The driveway was packed with cars and a valet service
was busy parking cars.

“Bloody hell,” Bryn murmured.
“Is today the 19
^th
?”

“Yes,” I replied. “What’s the
special occasion?”

“Shit! Anjali is going to kill
me! Noira, love, go to my mum’s room and find a swimsuit. I’ve got to find
Anjali.” Bryn unbuckled his seatbelt and was gone from the car before I could
say another word. Sighing, I slid into the driver’s seat and continued up the
driveway until I got to the valet.

“This is Mr.
Conchobair’s car, so be sure to park it in the
garage and leave the keys with the house manager,” I said.

The valet nodded. I made my way towards
the front door. It was going to be a long night if Anjali was at the party. I
allowed the tide of the crowd to carry me to the bottom of the stairs and went
to Nina’s room to find a swimsuit. I made sure to select a bikini that had a
tag on it and quickly changed. On my way out, I stopped to check my appearance
in the mirror.

My hair was usually dark brown, but as it
was summer, it looked as if I had blonde highlights. I had my hair in a ponytail,
but decided it against it at the last minute. Turning, I reached for the brush
that was on Nina’s dressing table and combed out my hair. The curls cascaded
over my shoulders. The ten extra pounds from the Cymbalta seemed to have gone
directly to my breasts, and it was cleavage for miles. All the same, I thought,
turning to view myself from the side, cleavage was never a bad thing.

Parties were not my idea of a good time,
but it was either go downstairs or have Bryn eventually come up and haul me towards
the bar. As I didn’t need any unwanted attention that night, I chose to go
downstairs on my own.

Like an appraiser, I sat with a carefully formed smile
on my lips and observed the frivolity in Bryn’s backyard. With clumsy joy, the
revellers pranced about the place. They had genuine smiles on their faces and
laughter was the chorus that they all sang. How could they do it? How had they
mastered the art of carefree jubilance? How did they still have hope?

I was contemplating all those things when Bryn,
appropriately clad in a pair of loud board shorts, suddenly appeared.

“Noira, you’re not being a Debby Downer, are you?” His
face was flushed and his eyes seemed to dance to the beat of the music in the
background.

I took a sip of my martini. “I’m trying, dear, really
I am.”

“Try harder.” He looked rather comical as he shook his
finger at me in an exaggerated manner. “I don’t need your negative aura
spreading throughout my party.”

“Then why didn’t you take me home, Bryn?” I yawned.

“Because you haven’t been out of your house at all in
almost a month, and I want my best mate back, for fuck’s sake!”

I lowered my head, suddenly ashamed of the way that I
had been treating him. Before I could apologize for my surly behaviour, a
porcelain doll-like creature flitted towards us in a blur of black hair and
sweet-smelling perfume.

“Bryn, darling!” she purred, batting her eyelashes
like a whore on crack. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Have you been
hiding from me?”

“N-Never, Anjali.”

I swallowed the last of my cocktail in a weak attempt
to stop myself from hurling the contents of my stomach all over Bryn.

“I’d die and carry the memory of you with me to
Heaven,” Bryn continued.

“Really?” Anjali flashed him a luminous smile and
snuggled closer to him, like a serpent ready to devour.

I cleared my throat. The sight of me made Anjali’s
face twist in the most unnatural manner. Bitch.

Anjali and I previously had the displeasure of meeting
last summer. The day had been hellish with both of us practically clawing for
Bryn’s attention and making catty comments at each other when he went to the
restroom during lunch.

The smile on my face was infectiously blinding as hers
as I raised my empty cup to her. “Anjali, darling!”

The murderous glare disappeared and was replaced by
all-whites. “Noira, doll, how
are
you?”

Without so much as giving me time to reply, she turned
to Bryn, eyelashes batting away again. With a voice so low that it was
pornographic she said, “Bryn, let’s go somewhere private.”

Bryn, having melted into a pile of droopy butter, cast
me a narrow glance out of the corner of his eye. “You don’t mind, do you,
babe?”

“Of course she doesn’t. She’s a big girl; she’ll be
fine.” Anjali didn’t so much as look back at me as she dragged a rather willing
Bryn away from me.

How typical of him to just up and abandon me for a
girl. Such a pussy.

Resolved to continue sulking until the time came where
I could safely go back upstairs, I shoved my way through the drunkards towards
the hot tub. In the minute that it had taken me to swim through the sweaty
masses, someone had invaded my oasis. One look at him, however, and my
annoyance was subsequently slashed into pieces. I didn’t know his name, but
there were two words to describe him: absolutely
divine
.