Sliding Into Home (17 page)

I didn’t mind being the athletic one and wearing jerseys so people watching the show could tell me apart from the others, but I did mind being pushed out of every scene. Audra kissed Holly’s and Bridget’s asses, and I could see myself quickly slipping of the picture.

The tension came to a head as the camera crews filmed us getting ready to go to Las Vegas to celebrate Carmella’s birthday. Since it was her real birthday and she was one of my real friends, I went to Victoria’s Secret and got her a gift card and some other little things as a present. I didn’t intend for this to be on the show; I just wanted to get her a nice gift.

The night before the trip I stored the shopping bag with the present downstairs, where I could easily grab it before we headed to Las Vegas. The next day, the gift was gone. On the show they made it look like I lost it and was running around like a chicken with its head cut off looking for it. (I think the producers wanted to make me look
disorganized.) But I knew it wasn’t my fault. I asked everyone if they’d seen the gift. I searched the whole Mansion and thought I was losing my mind.
Where is my shit?

Finally, I had no choice but to go to Las Vegas without the gift, and I felt terrible.

A few days later one of Audra’s friends got into a fight with her over something that didn’t involve me at all, and afterward she told me that Audra had stolen my bag and thrown it away.
Bitch!

I suspected the whole time she was behind the missing bag but I never had any proof. But she’d pissed off the wrong girl, and her former friend ratted her out to everyone—Holly, Bridget, and, most important, Hef.

I was mad that I had looked like a jackass while they were filming, but at the same time I was happy because I knew it was only a matter of time before Audra’s true colors would shine through. Even Holly and Bridget were mad at her, and after that incident they started to lean more toward my side. Soon after, Hef kicked Audra out and the drama was over. However, had she not gotten caught she very easily could have been the third girl on the show, and I would have been out for sure.

I was thrilled that things worked out the way they did. Audra was banned from the Mansion for a little while, and when she was allowed back, the staff and everyone at the Mansion warned her to stay away from me. I was still mad and would have beat her ass if she’d come near me.

Actually, one time I was in the gym and she walked in. We made eye contact and I totally dogged her. I gave her a look that said I was ready to fight, and she went running. (I think I picked that look up from an old boyfriend.)

None of the Audra crap was on the show because it was important to Hef that no one ever came off looking bad. He wanted the show to be about the fun times we had at the Mansion, so no drama was ever really aired.

Audra
did
make her way into one of the episodes, though. She’s the one in the season one Fourth of July episode who was too fat to fit into her bunny suit. It took a team of butlers to squeeze her into a costume that gave her back cleavage. I guess what goes around comes around.

Speaking of bunny suits: I refused to wear one. Even before we began filming the show I always wanted to do things my way and dress the way I wanted to. I actually thought the bunny outfits were cute, but I never saw myself as a bunny, so there was no way I was getting into one of those things, especially when the cameras were around.

I did wear the suit once, before the show started filming, to
Comedy Central’s Roast of Pamela Anderson.
I absolutely hated it. I put it on, and it was the most disgusting feeling in the world. Of course, when the photos from that event came out I saw that I’d had a huge camel toe, and I swore from that day on I would never wear the outfit again.

Unfortunately, Hef would get mad when I didn’t wear it. He came to my room one time and had a long talk with me about it.

“Why don’t you want to wear the suit?” he asked.

“It’s just not me,” I explained. “I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel right wearing it.”

We went back and forth on the subject and he was clearly frustrated. I could tell he was mad at me for feeling that way about the bunny suit, and I felt bad because I didn’t want to disappoint him. But while I know it’s an honor, it’s not my style, and it was important for me to be me as much as possible—particularly when we were filming. I had an image I wanted to portray, and the bunny suit just didn’t fit it.

When the first few episodes finally aired, I was nervous and a little embarrassed to see myself on TV. I thought it was really cool that we were getting to do the show, but I still thought it was strange to watch myself each week.

While I’d realized the producers were shaping us into characters during filming, I had no idea that by editing things a certain way they could really make us more into our characters than who we really were. I was fine being the sporty one, but it wasn’t like I was always playing sports and had no other interests. Plus, I felt like I was nice enough and smart enough to have Holly and Bridget’s traits every once in a while, too.

I started getting really critical of myself about things that I’d never really thought about before. If I made any sort of mistake, or even if I was kidding about something, I knew that they would edit it to make me seem ditzy. They filmed for long stretches of time, so everyone was bound to say something silly once in a while. But if I were to say the sky was green and then correct myself and say it was blue, they would edit out the correction, and I didn’t like that at all. Just because Bridget was the smart one didn’t mean Holly and I had to be stupid. And just because Holly was sweet didn’t mean Bridget and I were crazy. All of a sudden, I wasn’t so sure “sporty” was that good of a role to play.

I understood that it was better for television to make us one-dimensional, that was easier for fans of the show to relate if they could label each of us a certain way. Plus, I liked the general direction the show was going in and what it was starting to do for our lives in terms of exposure, so I wasn’t about to complain.

Still, it was a lot to take in all at once. The publicists even bought us these little pairs of underwear that we had to wear. Mine said
NAUGHTY
. Yeah, compared to those other two I
was
naughty, but being labeled as such pissed me off. I could be nice sometimes, too.

I decided I needed to mold my character myself and do my best to make sure I came across the right way. I was into hip-hop music so I started wearing my hat to the side and playing that up, and I pumped up the sports angle more because I
was
a big sports fan. I wanted to stand out among the girls, but I wanted to stand out as me.

I was a fun girl, too, and I wanted the fans to know it. At the Fight Night party in the first season, I made sure I looked hot for all the guys but also for the cameras. Fight Night was a big party at the Mansion featuring a live boxing match and taking place the night before ESPN’s ESPY Awards, so all the big athletes were there. I was ripped by then, so I was happy to show off my hard work to all the stars. That night I was drinking and shaking my ass and being an all-around crazy girl. I was excited to have a good time, and I wanted to make sure people knew that I was sporty but also fun. That seemed like a good kind of character to be.

I felt a little better once I figured out how to take some control over my character, but there were some real, non- premeditated moments as well. When Holly, Bridget, and I were told on camera that we were going to be on the cover of
Playboy
, that look of shock on my face was very real. I never thought I’d be on the
cover of the magazine. I liked the way I looked at the time, with my super-fit body and my white-blonde hair, so I was excited. I called my mom and told her right away. She thought it was a real honor, and she was proud of me. It was a great opportunity.

During that first season, Bridget, Holly, and I continued to keep our distance except when we were filming. We did our own thing off camera, and there was an unspoken competition for camera time when the cameras were around. Each of us wanted the others to look good and be successful, but whether they will admit it or not, I think we each wanted the spotlight and to look the best in every episode.

At the beginning of season two, Holly and Bridget were asked to appear in a Captain Morgan ad, but you had to be twenty-five years old to appear in a liquor ad, so I was too young. I was even more disappointed than I showed in the episode. I didn’t want to miss out on any of the opportunities. But then I got to do a solo spread in
Musclemag
, and it felt great to do something apart from the other girls. I didn’t want to be like them. I wanted to be different, and I was up for anything that separated me from the pack.

Maybe being the sporty one wasn’t that bad after all.

CHAPTER 14
 

Going Home a Star

As the show progressed through the second season and became more popular, we got to do cooler (and more expensive) things in each episode. We even went to Europe and took a tour of England, France, Italy, and Germany. At that point I had never been out of the country (unless you count Tijuana) and I started to realize that while plenty of Hef’s past girlfriends lived great lives while in the Mansion, Holly, Bridget, and I were part of something special.

Traveling was fun, of course, but it was good for our friendship, too. For whatever reason, Holly, Bridget, and I always became closer when we took big trips—especially Bridget and me, because Holly always had Hef, and that made the two of us travel partners.

I was scared as hell of flying—I still am. I hate the whole experience. I’ll grab on the sides of my seat or squeeze the arm of a complete stranger next to me during flights. I really panic, and it’s terrible from start to finish. But if I’m going to fly, there is no better way to travel than on Hef’s private jet. The thing is basically a mansion
with wings. Bridget and I each had our own couches, and Holly and Hef always shared a bed. It was the prefect setup.

Hef’s brother, Keith, and his date came with us to Europe, and everything went smoothly during the vacation. On the flight back, though, something snapped in his girlfriend’s brain. Maybe the cabin pressure got to her or her seatbelt was too tight, but this girl went nuts. When we stopped in New York to go through customs and have our passports checked, out of nowhere she started going off on the airport security lady.

All this sweet, older, heavyset security woman wanted to do was check our passports, and Keith’s date started yelling obscene things at her like, “Are you a lesbian? Because I’ll lick your pussy!” and “Come on, baby, handcuff me!” It was one sexual taunt after another.

Holly, Bridget, and I looked at each other like,
What the hell happened to this chick?
We thought she was trying to be funny at first, but she just kept going and going. She had lost her damn mind.

Keith finally settled her down enough to get us back on the plane, but when we were taking off for Los Angeles the madness started up again. We all had to sit down and buckle up for takeoff, and she decided to sit down practically on top of Bridget. At first Bridget was fine with her sitting close by, but then the girl started leaning on her and trying to get her to move off the couch.

I started getting pissed. I told the girl to move and she started yapping and talking all kinds of shit to Bridget and me. Bridget yelled at her to get off. Then the girl began shouting, “Kendra, Kendra, Kendra,” trying to get me more involved when I just wanted to survive takeoff. “Kendra, Kendra, Kendra!”

“What the fuck, bitch?” I finally yelled. “Shut the fuck up!” She’s lucky I was buckled into my seat or I would have knocked her out.

“That’s why I like you, Kendra,” she said. “You tell it like it is.” Then she started calling me a chickenhead and a bunch of other names.

I turned to Keith and said, “I’m going to knock this bitch out. Get your girl in check.”

Luckily security came and grabbed her because we were seconds away from really going at it. Eventually we all settled down, but we were stuck with a crazy woman on the flight for five more hours.