Sliver Moon Bay: The Looking (17 page)

66

So many elephants later and
we’re here, at the Heavenly Gates. Is there really such a thing?
Apparently so cause the whole town’s here. They’re filing through
them, with their flowers and teddy bears, and their serious anxious
faces.

One good thing in all this.
There isn’t going to be a priest. Lilian absolutely insisted on it.
For those who wish to pray there was a service earlier. I don’t
know if any of these people assembled here went; we didn’t. I’ve
never believed and Lilian lost all faith a while back cause she
prayed really hard when Starling went away and… well, obviously.
Here we are, about to eulogize her brief, glorious existence on
Earth. Of course, that’s how Lilian sees it. Amy too cause it was
her idea, this memorial. She suggested it. A couple of days after I
had my talk at school. How to Survive in the Woods must have really
freaked her out. But it took Lilian a while to come around. Still,
she did and here we are.

The gig’s about to begin.
Lilian takes her place, close to me. She’s come dressed for the
occasion, wearing a thin cotton summer dress, printed with pink
flowers. She’s cold, has goose bumps all over cause it’s a dress
you’d normally wear over your bikini but that’s the way she wants
to be today. I’m wearing mine too. And so is Starling; it’s easy to
imagine her twirling around, in her dress, in her pink sandals.
Leady or not, Salah, hele I come!

So we stand here looking quite
silly in our silly summer dresses, but it’s what Starling would
have wanted. We didn’t bring flowers. Only a tiny bird’s nest to
put on her memorial plot filled with other people’s gifts. It all
looks very pretty and very sad.

The whole town’s here it seems.
Gathered, paying their respects. It’s a really lovely affair. The
little kids are not quiet at all so there’s a lot of chittering.
How Starling would have loved that. She loved children though she
was shy around kids her own age. She’d never even been to a kindy.
She was going to start this year. It’s not fair, is it?
—Oh,
Starling, my little darling, I’m sorry you didn’t get to go.
But you will always have me. Always, I promise.

So the show went on as planned.
Amy made a speech about an angel taken from us too soon and she did
such a good job just about everyone cried. Some lovely music was
played. I don’t remember what. Lilian chose the song cause Starling
didn’t even have a favourite one yet. She only ever sang along with
nursery rhymes but Lilian didn’t want to share that with everybody.
So she picked something she liked. She made it about herself,
understandably. This is her nightmare, after all.

After the music ends, Amy
starts again. She’s reading out a poem, about a child. It is
beautiful and I’m finding it too hard.
Starling, you should not
have gone away.
I don’t want to cry in front of everybody so
I’m shutting my eyes.
Fairy, where are you when I need you.
But everyone’s abandoned me.

Amy’s done. I can finally open
my eyes. And I see. Him. Of all people. Here.

He is standing in front of me
holding a posy of snowbells. I’m so surprised I don’t say anything.
I’m just looking. So is he. It’s mighty awkward, for a couple of
elephants. He’s clutching the flowers; seems like he doesn’t know
what to do with them. He doesn’t cause he’s offering them to me.
He’s mumbling something now.

‘I’m so sorry for your loss,
Sarah. If there’s anything I can do…’

Seriously, dude? How dare you?
The surprise is wearing off and I can hardly breathe I’m so angry
now.

‘There is something you can do
for me, Bruce—’

‘Sarah!’

Okay, Mum. You’re awake now.
Finally. Like that’s going to make a difference.

‘—See if you can guess what it
is.’

He’s looking at me, all red in
the face. At least his nose is. His beard and his beanie cover
everything else on his ugly mug. Seriously, Mum, how can you?

‘I’m sorry, Sarah.’

He keeps on being, existing in
my world. So he is not as sorry as he claims to be.

‘Why are you here?’

He glances at Lilian.

‘Sarah-honey, calm down. I
asked him to come.’

‘Why? Why do you have to spoil
everything, Mum? Isn’t that enough that we’re going through with
this, this horrible stupid memorial?’

She’s starting to cry. It’s
like the old days when she’d break down at the smallest thing, at
the tiniest frown from Chris, a change in the tone of his voice.
Oh, dear. Why am I still here negotiating with her, I don’t know.
It’s not gonna make any difference, no matter what I say. This fool
is here to stay.

I turn from them and I’m
walking away. She stands there sobbing. I can feel her eyes boring
into my back. She’s more than embarrassed but I don’t care how this
looks for her. She’s got Bruce to comfort her. And I’ll bet he is
doing all he can, has his arms around her about now. So what does
she need me for?

‘Hey, Sarah! Wait!’

I’m almost through the Heavenly
Gates. Should I stop? It’s her fault too so why should I do her any
favours, huh? —Exactly. But she won’t give up; she’s coming up
fast, well, as fast as she can roll so I might as well wait for
her. Who knows, she might know something I don’t.

‘What do you want, Amy?’

She’s caught up with me but is
unable to speak for one, two, three, four elephants. So I’m just
watching her trying to catch her breath. It’s a sight; I do so wish
Starling were here, in the flesh. Cause they’ve been telling me
that she is here in spirit. —Right. Starling, hanging out here with
a bunch of dead ones, at the Heavenly Gates. I don’t think so.

Amy, on the other hand,
believes she’s done us a good turn. She’s organized this whole
shindig, which I have now ruined. Obviously. Folks are leaving, as
unobtrusively as they can, through the other gate. They look like
they’re glad it’s over. They just want to go home where they can
hold onto their children, their lives, hoping to preserve them, as
they are. Fools.

‘Are you okay, Sarah?’

I nod. Smile.

She smiles back at me, pushing
her puffy soft cheeks to the side, and up. But she’s not having
much luck with it. Her cheeks quiver, then fold to hang over the
neck of her turtleneck sweater, like a pair of deflated pancakes.
It would be a riot if some of my gym class were here. If Starling
were here, she wouldn’t laugh. She’d peer closely, lean forward
from the safety of my arms to inspect this phenomenon. She would do
that cause she was just a toddler, an innocent very young child
still acquiring social graces. I have them, of course, so I only
glance at these ridiculous cheek pancakes, without expression.

‘I’m fine, Miss.’

I really don’t know what she
expects me to say. We’re not friends. She’s on Lilian’s side.
Making phone calls and organizing shit that has nothing to do with
her. So what does she expect me to do?

‘Sarah. Your mum needs a little
help from you. You know.’

She’s smiling apologetically.
Shrugs a little like she’s stuck for words though we both know what
she’s trying to say. Mum needs me to move on. She wants my approval
to carry on with her life. And Bruce who’s definitely in it. But I
can’t do that.

‘I know.’

Amy nods, makes a gesture
towards the exit so we resume the walking out, and we’re leaving
Heavenly Gates silently behind. For a bit, anyway.

‘Bruce is a good guy,’
continues Amy, a dozen elephants’ worth later, mistaking my silence
for encouragement. ‘He’s been very supportive to her throughout
this difficult time.’

Difficult time? She sounds like
a publicist announcing a celebrity couple split. Well, this gives
me one thing. An advantage. At least I know what I’m dealing with
here. Utter stupidity.

‘I know.’

‘He’s not trying to replace
your dad, you know.’

Okay, she’s taking it up a
notch.

‘I know.’

‘It would make your mum really
happy if you gave him a chance to get to know you.’

I nod. I know it would make her
happy. But what does that have to do with me?

‘I’ll try.’

I’m expecting her to clap her
hand on my shoulder so I brace for the impact. But she doesn’t. She
smiles, relieved and pleased with how this talk went. The only way
is up, is what she’s thinking, I’ll bet. And now we’ve reached the
car park and she goes away.

67

‘Sarah-honey, you’ll be late
for school…’

Lilian’s already at the door.
It’s the day after the memorial. We didn’t have a good night and we
both slept in this morning. Last night we argued. About Bruce and
my bad attitude. So I shouted. She cried. I said many stupid and
hurtful things. She deserved them. None of what we said I want to
write down so you’ll just have to imagine how it went. But it
wasn’t good. She cried herself to sleep. I stayed up writing. And
what do we have to show for it? —Exactly.

She lets me take the scooter
today cause she’s not feeling well. She’d rather not drive
today.

‘Be careful, honey. Have a good
day. I love you.’ She gives me a kiss.

‘Bye, Mum. Love you too.’

She stands at the door with her
tea cup in one hand and a tissue in the other. She’s still in her
dressing gown. It doesn’t look like she’s going to get dressed
today. But I can’t deal with it right now. I’ve got to get to
school. I start the scooter and go. Just before the big tree I
glance back to check on her cause I didn’t hear the door shut. Sure
enough, she’s there, looking. I guess she’s making sure I’m riding
carefully.

Of course, I think about her
all day. She’s really been through a lot and she’s not strong.
Never been strong. I still wonder how Chris could have ever thought
it was a good idea. Even the dimmest of minds might have grasped
that a child was not going to solve their problems. And if I’d
figured it out, why was it that he hadn’t? He should have realized.
Done something different. Shoulda, woulda, coulda… and now we’re
all in it. Except he’s taken himself out. Conveniently. Left me to
deal with his shit. With her. Maybe he’s counting on me to solve
his problem. That would be just about right. In my mind’s eye I see
him thinking about me, looking very pleased with himself. He knew
all along that I’d be doing his bidding. But he’s forgetting one
thing.

I love her. I do. I’ve
struggled with it over the years, of course. Who wouldn’t? But
that’s a different issue. Right now it’s not so much about me.
She’s falling apart. And it’s sort of my fault. I know she’s
attached, again. Once upon a time that would have been good, for
her, and me. We could have left, got me a new Daddy. But things
have changed. I care about her and I don’t want to fight with her.
So I’m gonna think on it some more.

The school day evaporates quite
nicely in this insular fashion. I think about all the nice things
I’m going to say to her when I get home. Cause I’ve decided that I
want to make things right between us. I don’t want another night
like that. It’s not us. I’m not like Chris. We used to stick
together, us against him, not be at loggerheads with each other.
And now that he’s gone, we can’t afford to fight. We can’t let him
win. Besides, I’ve been thinking that maybe I am wrong about this
Bruce situation. He might be good for her. Plus, if I don’t get to
know him, I’ll never know anything about him. You know what they
say. Keep your friends close—

So I’ve decided to change
tactic. I’m sure I can live with some changes around the house. I
know Lilian will like it. I will tell her, as soon as I get home.
It will make her happy. As for the rest, we’ll see.

The way home is eventful. The
scooter dies at the fork. I walk the rest, pushing the thing up the
forest path. Alone amongst the trees, my life comes unexpectedly
alive. I see her. She’s everywhere. Here’s where we played
hide-and-seek. Here’s where we went riding our sled the winter
before last. Here’s where we dug for mushrooms. Here’s where we
tossed Assassin a bone. He took it though he was trained not to.
Just shows you. Dog will take bone, every time. Here’s where we
gave him a piece of cake. He loved it. And the chicken breast
Starling couldn’t finish. Assassin got that too. He ate everything
on the spot, the clever doggie. He never took anything back to
Drake.

I’m nearly there. The house
appears ahead of me. From this angle, it looks like nothing much
has changed. From this side, the house looks even hopeful that
eventually, someone will come home. The back of the house knows
better. It’s gutted; is just a gaping, empty hole.

I negotiate the bend around the
big tree. It has dense brush, undergrowth. It’s the perfect hiding
spot. Baldy knew it. Took advantage every time he came by snooping.
Yes, here it is. I swear I can see his tyre tracks. Ah, well. The
forest is so much quieter now. I sort of miss the attention. From
both of them cause it’s hard to look around and not see old Drakey
crouching in the bushes. Pointless now imagining Baldy here too,
putting things together for an explosive reveal, I imagine he
imagined. Like I would have let that happen. Seriously, men are
such fools.

68

Beside the house, the trailer
looks vulnerable. Like a dwarf egg, forgotten in the nest after the
birdies, the ones lucky to survive, have hatched and gone. It’s
quiet here now, weirdly quiet in the forest and on the beach too as
if the ocean has gone to sleep. You really have to strain to hear
it. It’s so different now to what it used to be. I don’t even know
I want to stay here anymore. Lilian doesn’t. So maybe we should
have a chat. Once we’ve made up. Maybe she’d like to move. It’s
worth asking.