Slow Agony (21 page)

“Yeah, I kind of skipped over the baby part whenever I thought about it,” he said. “I always thought of the kid as being like three.”

“Who you were teaching to shoot guns,” I said.

He laughed. “Stop picking on me, doll.”

“Why do you want a girl?” asked Christa.

He shrugged. “Don’t know. A boy would be cool too, I guess.”

I drew in a long breath. “I can’t believe this is actually happening.” My life was moving at the speed of sound lately. I wanted a chance to breathe, but I had a feeling I wasn’t going to get one anytime soon.

Christa fell asleep after a while. She’d been so worried about her mother, and now that she was relieved, she seemed exhausted.

Griffin said I should try to sleep too, so I curled up on one of the couches in the waiting room. But I couldn’t do it. I kept thinking about the fact that there was some other person growing inside me. It was part of me, and it was part of Griffin, but it was also itself. A completely different being.

It made me feel sort of awed and excited.

But it was also kind of creepy.

Whenever I closed my eyes, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d been invaded, that I was going to be taken over by the thing in me.

I tried to tell myself it wasn’t a thing. It was a baby. I should like it. I should want it.

I
did
want it.

I didn’t want it to grow in me, though. It freaked me out.

Eventually, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I sat up and opened my eyes.

Griffin was across the room, staring listlessly at the news on TV. He turned to me. “You okay, doll?”

There was an element to his voice I didn’t think I’d ever heard before, a deeper kind of concern and respect. I liked it. It made me feel sort of fuzzy all over. “I’m...”

How could I tell him that I was terrified of being pregnant?

He crossed the room and sat down next to me. He pulled me close.

I snuggled into the crook of his arm and chest. “I’m scared.”

“I know,” he said. “Everything’s pretty scary right now.”

“I didn’t mean about Marcel, although that’s scary, too,” I said. “I meant about... being pregnant again.”

“Yeah, I get that,” he said. “It’s a big deal, having a kid. Our whole lives are going to change, and who knows if we’ll even be good at it, and what if we’re pregnant with the bad seed or something?”

I giggled. “The bad seed?”

“Don’t laugh,” he said.

“What is that?”

“It’s this old black and white movie about these people who adopt a little girl. She was nearly killed by her father when she was a baby. And then she starts killing people, because
killing is genetic
.”

“Killing isn’t genetic,” I said.

“How do you know that?” he said.

“Besides, it’s not like we kill—” I broke off.

“Yeah,” he said quietly.

I reached up to stroke his chin. He hadn’t had a chance to shave, and now his chin was prickly. “Griffin, we aren’t going to have the bad seed. We’re fine.”

“I hope not.”

But since he had irrational fears, it made me feel a little better about sharing mine. “That isn’t what I mean, anyway. I think we’ll be fine after the baby’s born. I’m afraid of... being pregnant.”

“Is that scary?”

“There’s something growing in me.”

He laughed.

“Griffin, it’s not funny,” I said.

He kissed the top of my forehead. “You’re really freaked out about that?”

“It makes me feel weird,” I said. “I know I’m supposed to be all glowing and stuff, but instead I feel like... an alien vessel or something. I feel invaded.”

His voice was a soft rumble. “You said something like that before, when we were arguing. I thought you only said it to hurt me.”

“No, I don’t want to hurt you. Does my saying that hurt you?”

“Well, I mean, if you feel invaded, I’m kind of the person who did the invading, aren’t I?”

I looked up at him. “No. I don’t think that. It’s not your fault. I mean, the, um, invasive part was really fun.”

He laughed. “I’m glad you still think so.”

“I just don’t feel like myself. I feel... like I’m nothing more than an incubator or something.”

“Doll, no one thinks that.” He disentangled from me so that he could look at me in the eye. “Are you saying this because you don’t want to have the baby?”

“I want to have the baby,” I said. “I just don’t want to be
pregnant
with the baby. And I don’t want to have to go through labor. That scares the hell out of me. I’m bad with pain. I really don’t like it.”

“Well,” he said, “I don’t really know how to fix all of that, but I can at least reassure you a little bit about the delivery part.”

“What?”

“I was there when Beth had Dixie,” he said. Beth had also been an assassin at Op Wraith. She and Griffin had escaped together. Tragically, she’d been killed last year. “And she said it wasn’t that bad.”

I made a face. “It wasn’t?”

“Well, I think the serum helps a lot,” he said. “Cause it heals you so fast? Like your body kind of can handle all of it a lot better?” He shrugged. “She did it all by herself, at home in the bathtub. I was supposed to help, but I kind of freaked out when I saw a bunch of blood, and then while I was recovering, it was over.”

At home? In a bathtub? “Why didn’t she go to the hospital?”

“We were trying to keep a low profile,” he said. “And she didn’t have insurance or anything. We didn’t want Op Wraith to find us.”

I felt a little horrified. “Do I have to deliver this baby in a bathtub?”

“No,” he said. “I’m not saying that at all.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Look, doll, you don’t have to go through with it if you don’t want,” he said.

I shook my head. “I don’t want to have another abortion, Griffin. I told you that already.”

“I don’t want you to be scared,” he said.

I squared my shoulders. “Maybe I have to be. Maybe that’s just part of it. Your mother said that we’d never feel ready, didn’t she?”

“If you’re afraid, though, then you’re suffering and—”

“Lots of women have babies,” I said. “Heck, I think most women do. And if everybody else can do it, I can do it too.”

“Are you sure?”

“No,” I said. “But maybe it’s okay that I’m not. I mean, maybe we’re going to worry about weird things. Like you’re worried about the bad seed. Maybe it’s normal.”

He pulled me back into his arms. “Nothing about us is normal.”

I laughed a little. “Maybe that’s okay, too, though. Because normal is boring.”

His hand moved over my stomach, resting against the small curve of my belly. I felt emotion swell within me at his movement. I wasn’t sure why it was so powerful. It was only a simple motion. But I suddenly felt protected and cherished and loved so deeply. It was heady and intense. I closed my eyes and leaned into him. We were bigger than ourselves. We’d made something together.

“You’re not an incubator,” he murmured into my ear. “You are my sweet, beautiful doll, and I would do anything to make you happy.”

I smiled. My voice was quiet too. “It doesn’t feel so scary somehow right now.”

“No?”

“No, I think it’s easier when I’m close to you. I think if I have you with me, I can handle it.”

He sighed softly, kissing my neck. “Is that why you did it, doll? Because you were scared like this, and I wasn’t there?”

“Yes. Haven’t you been listening to me?”

“Maybe not well enough.” I could hear him breathing. We were so close. “I’ve really screwed things up, haven’t I?”

“No,” I said. “You’re wonderful.”

“Only you would say that. I’m not.”

I twisted in his arms to face him. “Where is this coming from?”

He cupped my cheek with one hand. “I think I’m realizing how much of an idiot I’ve been. I’m not a good man. I abandoned you. I’ve done it more than once. That time in Boston, it was only chance that brought us back together again. If I’d never gone to that club, you might never have seen me again.”

I chewed on my lip. I’d thought this before. “But I did see you.”

“But when I left this winter, you must have thought about that. You must have thought that there was no guarantee that I’d ever come back.”

I nodded. I didn’t trust myself to speak. Thinking about that time was too hard for me to do without wanting to cry. I’d felt so hopeless.

“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I can’t believe I did that to you.”

“You thought I’d been unfaithful to you.”

“I shouldn’t have thought that,” he said.

“But my past,” I said. “You knew my past. You knew what I used to be like, and of course you—”

“That was the past, though,” he said. “I should have known that you’d changed.”

“But you abandoned me in the past,” I said. “I could have believed in you. I didn’t.”

He touched my hair, fingering the edge of it. “We gave up on each other.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“You know, when we were apart,” he said, “I stopped believing in love. I thought back on our relationship, how things seemed to start so well, and then get completely destroyed. And I decided that falling in love was just slow agony. At first you were so attached to someone, and then, as time went on, it disintegrated. But now... now, I’m thinking we gave up too soon.”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Maybe it was only me,” he said. “Maybe I gave up too soon.” He kissed me. “I’m sorry, doll. I’m so sorry.”

“Griffin, it’s not all your fault.”

He closed his eyes.

“And it doesn’t matter,” I said. “We’re together now. That’s what’s important.”

He tightened his arms around me. “I have to leave you again.”

I pulled away. “What are you talking about?”

“Marcel,” he said. “He’s going to keep at this until I give in. He wants me to come to him willingly. I think I will.”

“No,” I said. “You can’t go to him.”

“You said we couldn’t wait around for him when we were in the basement. You said I had to do something. This is what I have to do.”

“Not this,” I said. “Who knows what he could do to you. He might kill you.”

“If it means that everyone I love is safe, then that’s a risk I’ll take.”

I got up off the couch. “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. I won’t let you... sacrifice yourself.”

“I have to, doll. If not, he could kill my mother, my sister, you, our baby. I have too many people that I have to protect. And if it all stops when I go to him, then I will.”

“Let’s call Silas and ask him if he thinks this is a good idea,” I said. “Because I bet he won’t.”

“Keep your voice down, doll. You’ll wake up Christa.”

I got my phone out of my pocket and stalked into the hallway.

“Doll, wait.” Griffin was coming after me.

I was already dialing. “I’m not letting you go to Marcel, Griffin. Just forget it.”

He sighed.

The phone was ringing.

“Leigh, don’t call them,” he said.

“Too late,” I said.

“Hello,” said Silas.

“Silas, it’s Leigh. Griffin wants to turn himself over to Marcel, and I can’t talk him out of it.”

“Whoa,” said Silas. “Marcel is in Texas? With you guys?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Griffin’s mother got shot yesterday.”

“Really?” said Silas. “That’s bad. Is Griffin there? Can I talk to him?”

“Sure,” I said. I handed the phone over to Griffin, who was glowering at me. “Talk to Silas,” I told him. “Maybe he can pound some sense into you.”

Griffin took the phone. “Hi, Silas.” He listened, pacing outside the waiting room. “I didn’t want to involve you guys anymore... If anything happened, I’d never forgive myself...” He sighed heavily. “We’re in San Antonio.... Really? That quickly, huh?... But I don’t want you to come.... Yes, I think I can handle him myself.... You really don’t understand.”

“Tell him to convince you to keep yourself safe,” I said.

Griffin sighed again. “Yes, all right, you’re making sense.... I promise I won’t do anything until you guys get here.... I swear....” He rolled his eyes. “Yes, okay, I swear on the life of my mother, you dick.” He hung up the phone and slapped it back in my hand.

“Well?” I said.

“Well,” he said, “Silas says we should try a tactical approach, with him and Sloane covering me if I try to give myself up to Marcel. You heard me promise I’d wait for them, didn’t you?”

I took a deep breath, relaxing. “So, you’re not going to do anything crazy?”

“I’ll wait for Silas and Sloane.”

I threw my arms around him. “Good. If I lost you, I think I’d lose my mind. I can’t let you go, and I can’t let anything happen to you. You understand me?”

He nodded.

“When will Sloane and Silas get here?” I said.

“Probably late night tomorrow. He said they’re going to drive straight through.” He rubbed the top of his head. “We should get some rest, doll. We’ve got busy times ahead of us.”

We curled up together on one of the couches. This time, with Griffin’s arms around me, I realized I was exhausted, and I fell asleep almost immediately.

My dreams were filled with strange men chasing me. I was hugely pregnant and trying to run, but I was too large, and I couldn’t go very fast, so they were gaining on me.

When Griffin moved out from beneath me, I almost woke up, mumbling my annoyance at the absence of his warmth.

But he whispered something soothing to me, and I shifted, getting comfortable without him.

For several minutes, I thought I’d be able to go back to sleep, but I then I realized that I really had to go to the bathroom. I tried rolling onto my back, hoping that would relieve the pressure enough that it wouldn’t bother me.

It was no use.

I sat up on the couch. Griffin wasn’t in the waiting room anymore. I wondered if he’d gone to see his mother again.

I’d worry about it when I got back from the bathroom.

I made my way down there and relieved myself. Then I came back to the waiting room. Still no Griffin, but I noticed that there was a folded piece of paper lying on the table next to the couch where I’d been sleeping.

I went over and picked it up. It had my name scrawled on it in Griffin’s handwriting.

What was going on here? Griffin had left me a note?