Slow Agony (20 page)

Christa was standing next to the bed, her nose and eyes red. She was holding her mother’s hand. Beverly had tubes in her nose. She was sleeping with her mouth open, and—for some reason—she looked so frail lying there. Like I hadn’t realized how tiny she was before. How easily broken.

Christa looked up at me. “Hey.”

I put my arm around her. “She’s gonna make it. She’s strong.” But she didn’t look strong right now.

“You really think so?”

“Yes,” I said, putting more confidence into my tone than I actually felt.

She laid her head on my shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re here, Leigh.”

I held onto her as tightly as I could.

Christa didn’t want to leave her mom, so I ended up going back to find Griffin on my own. He was still in the waiting room, but he was clutching his phone and pacing.

Oh God. Had Marcel called him again?

He saw me come in. He turned away. “Fuck you,” he whispered to the phone. And then he ripped it away from his ear.

I went to him, putting my hand on his back. “Griffin? Was that Marcel?”

“Yes,” he said, his voice strangled. “He was taunting me. He says I can’t watch everyone, and that I can’t keep everyone safe. He’s right.”

“We need to call the twins,” I said.

“How will that help anything?” said Griffin. “We don’t know where Marcel is. They’d only be two more walking targets. And they don’t deserve to be hurt anymore because of me.”

“They might have ideas on how to help. We can’t do this on our own.”

Griffin threw himself down in one of the waiting room chairs. “No.”

“We have to do something.”

He closed his eyes. “How’s my mother?”

I sighed. I sat down next to him. “The same.”

He rubbed the top of his head. “This is my fault.”

“No, it’s not,” I said. “It’s Marcel’s fault. He’s doing this, not you.”

“And Christa?”

“She’ll be okay. She didn’t want to leave in case your mom woke up, and there’s a chair for her in there, so I thought it was okay if she stayed.”

He nodded. “Well, that’s all right, then.”

I took his hand. “It’s going to be all right. It isn’t yet, but it will be.”

“How can you say that? Everything is fucked right now.”

I shrugged. “It’s, um, what you have to say to yourself when things get this bad. Because thinking too much about it going the other way only makes it worse, and it’s bad enough without that.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Never would have pinned you as an optimist, doll.”

“Glad I can still surprise you.” I kissed his cheek, his jawbone.

“Speaking of surprises,” he said, “you didn’t take the pregnancy test.”

“Well, it’s hardly the time to do it.”

“I need to know,” he said. “Don’t you want to know?”

“Well, yeah, but with your mother still recovering, and—”

“Doll, it’s important,” he said. “Where is it?”

I thought about it. “I guess it’s still in the car.” Another realization dawned. “Oh God, I guess half of the groceries we bought are ruined.”

He got up. “I’ll go get the test.”

“What’s the rush, Griffin?”

“I need to know,” he said, and he was gone.

I sat alone in the waiting room. I’d been alone before when he and Christa had been with his mother. I’d paged through most of the magazines in here already. I picked one up again half-heartedly. The front cover said that I could lose stubborn belly fat with simple exercises. I threw the magazine aside.

If I was pregnant, I was going to get really huge. And no exercising would stop it. My body would never be the same.

I knew it was wrong to worry or to care about that, but it scared me. I was frightened of the idea of morphing into something else. I didn’t remember my own mother, not really. Whenever I’d seen pregnant women as a small child, they’d always seemed somewhat monstrous and alien. I was afraid of becoming that.

I didn’t want to voice those fears to Griffin, though. I was afraid he would be disgusted by them.

Maybe the test would be negative. Maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about it, after all.

Was that what I wanted?

I picked the magazine back up again. I liked the idea of babies. I thought having my own would be nice, actually. It was the pregnant part that scared me. And the labor part. All the pain.

But having a baby? A baby that was partly Griffin and partly me? That sounded wonderful. And I thought we were responsible enough and financially secure enough to be able to take care of a baby.

So...

I wanted a baby, but I was afraid of being pregnant.

I paged through the magazine. I didn’t want to think about this anymore. I engrossed myself in an article about a celebrity’s new television show and why she found the role so expansive. And when thoughts of the pregnancy test Griffin was going to get surfaced, I squished them down to the bottom of my brain. I didn’t want to think about them. At all.

“Hey,” said Griffin’s voice, and I jumped. He was standing next to me, holding a plastic grocery bag. “You were really into that article, huh?”

I closed the magazine. “Did you find it?” I almost hoped he would say that he hadn’t.

He handed me the bag. “Yeah.”

I stood up. My mouth felt dry. “I, um, guess I should find a bathroom.”

“I’ll come with you,” he said. “I mean, not
in
the bathroom, but...
to
the bathroom.”

“I knew what you meant.” I started to move, but the muscles in my legs felt stiff, like I was forcing myself forward.

Griffin came with me, but we didn’t touch each other. We didn’t speak.

The hospital hallway looked bland. The tile floor was white with flecks of blue and green in it. The windows were letting in streams of bright Texas light. But inside here, everything was solemn and austere.

We turned the corner to another similar hallway. There was a set of elevators on the left. A sign on the wall marked them for staff use only.

We turned to the right.

There was the bathroom.

It was a one-room unisex bathroom. Handicap accessible.

I turned to Griffin. “I’ll go in now.”

“Do you, um, need something to keep time with?” he asked.

I dug out my phone from my pocket.

“Oh. Good.” He nodded. He looked at his shoes.

“I’ll just, you know, do my business on it, and then I’ll open the door, and we can time it together,” I said. “I mean, if you want.”

He looked at me. He was nervous. “Yeah, that would be good.”

“Okay.” I shut the door after myself.

I fumbled with the packaging of the pregnancy test. I remembered the last time I’d taken one of these, all alone in the apartment in Thomas. I remembered looking at the two pink lines and sobbing my eyes out. I remembered wishing that Griffin had been there.

I read the directions on the test. I did my best to follow them.

Then I recapped the wick on the plastic container, checked the time on my phone, and let Griffin into the bathroom with me.

He wouldn’t look at me. He looked down at the test. “Is it working?”

“It’s moving up the wick, see,” I said, showing him. “When it gets to this part, it will either be one line or two.”

“Which is which?”

“One line is negative,” I said. “Two is positive.”

“Okay.” He jammed his hands in his pockets and glared down at the test.

We were quiet. We were waiting.

I hugged myself. “Griffin, if you don’t want me to have a baby—”

“Shh, the line’s coming in.”

I bit my lip. I looked down at the test. My heart stuttered.

Chapter Twelve

I covered my mouth with one hand. “Oh God.”

“What did two lines mean?” Griffin asked me.

I tried to swallow, but I didn’t seem to have enough saliva in my mouth. “It’s positive,” I said hoarsely. “I’m pregnant.”

“But that line’s not as dark as the other one.”

“Doesn’t matter.” I leaned back against the wall of the bathroom. “Geez. If I’m not a Nazi with my birth control, I’m apparently ridiculously fertile.”

Griffin picked up the test. “Should we wait longer? Will it change?”

“No,” I said. “I’m pregnant.”
Oh God
. I bit down on my lower lip as hard as I could.

He set it back down on the sink.

I wished he would
say
something. Or look at me. Or both.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “Okay.”

Okay? What did that mean?

And then he turned to me, and gathered me into his arms, and kissed me hard.

I melted into his embrace, only Griffin and the wall behind me holding me up. My legs had given out beneath me. I couldn’t hold up my own weight.

His mouth left my lips. He kissed the tip of my nose. Then my forehead. “This is good, doll. It’s good news.”

“Do you really think that?”

“Yes.”

I kissed him again.

He pulled back. “Do you?”

“Yes,” I said. “But... I’m afraid.”

“That’s okay,” he said, brushing my hair away from my face. “I’m afraid too.” He clutched me tighter.

I buried my face in his chest, and we just stayed like that, holding each other, for what seemed like a very long time.

“Where have you guys been?” Christa demanded as we walked back into the waiting room, arm in arm. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“We were, um...” Griffin paused. “We have some news.”

She glared at us. “Did you guys go make out in the bathroom or something?”

“No,” I said, maybe a little too quickly.

“Whatever,” she said. “Just come on. Mom’s awake.”

“She is?” said Griffin, dropping his grip on me and starting forward.

“I already talked to her,” said Christa. “You guys go ahead.”

He grabbed his sister in a big hug and planted a kiss on top of her head. “She’s awake.”

Christa smiled up at him. “She’s talking and everything. She’s asking for you.”

He reached back for me.

I put my hand in his and he tugged me along with him.

“Oh,” said Griffin, looking back at Christa, “we’re having a baby.”

“What?” she said.

Griffin and I walked into the hallway. He hit the button to be allowed into intensive care.

Christa had followed us out there. “When did you find this out?”

I took the pregnancy test out of my pocket. “A few minutes ago.”

“Holy crap,” she said. “I’m going to be an aunt.”

The door opened. Griffin and I went through it.

“Congratulations!” she called after us.

“I’m so sorry, Ma,” said Griffin, squeezing Beverly’s hand.

She was sitting up in bed, her eyes bright. She was smiling. “Oh, hell, Griffin. I’m glad to be out of that basement, even if I did have to get shot to do it.”

“Don’t joke about it,” he said. “We were so worried.”

“Takes a lot more than that to hurt me,” she said. “But, Griffin, your sister’s right. It’s time we went to the authorities with this.”

“We can talk about that later,” he said. “You’re safe for now, and that’s all that matters.”

Suddenly, I had a horrible thought.
Was
she safe? Could Marcel get into the hospital and hurt her if he wanted? I hoped he would stay clear. The man was a monster, an unpredictable, evil, horrible man. There was no way to be sure what he would do next.

“What’s the news on my impending grandchild?” she said, eyes twinkling.

“Can’t you worry about yourself for a few minutes?” said Griffin.

“No,” she said. “Let me know the news. Are you pregnant or not? Don’t tell me you haven’t taken the test yet.”

“Um, I am,” I said quietly. I could tell she was excited about it. I was too, but I felt overwhelmed by all of it at the same time.

“Really?” A smile burst onto her face. “Oh, that’s wonderful. I’m so pleased.” She eyed me. “You two are going to have to have that wedding soon if you don’t want to be showing.”

“Oh,” I said. I hadn’t thought about that. “I don’t think so.”

Griffin raised his eyebrows. “You don’t want to get married anymore, doll?”

“Of course I do,” I said. “But not while I’m pregnant. That’s tacky.”

Griffin laughed. So did Beverly.

“What?” I said. “Like every woman on earth, I have dreamed of my wedding since I was a very little girl, and I’m not going to rush it, and I’m also not going to be fat in my wedding photos either. Those last forever.”

“That doesn’t leave you many options,” said Beverly, still chuckling at me.

“We can wait,” I said. “We can wait until after the baby is born, and I’ve exercised off all the baby fat. Then the baby can be in the wedding pictures.”

“Actually, I like that,” said Griffin. “Because when I was a kid, I always wanted to be in the pictures at my parents’ wedding.”

“Well, it’s not traditional,” said Beverly.
“We’re not traditional,” said Griffin.

“But if that’s what you want,” said Beverly. “Besides, it will give me time to recover from this gunshot. I’m in favor.”

I smiled. That was settled, then.

It felt like things were moving awfully fast.

Beverly and Griffin talked for a while longer. She tried to convince us to go home and leave her here in the hospital by herself, but Griffin wouldn’t hear of it. He said they weren’t leaving her alone. Besides, he figured we were all safer in the hospital anyway. So, there would be no leaving.

Eventually, it became clear that she was getting tired, so we left her to rest.

Christa was back in the waiting room.

She wanted to know all about the baby. “What do you want, a boy or a girl?”

I settled down next to her. “I, um, I hadn’t thought about it. A girl would be fun, I guess. But little boys are neat too.” I tried to picture them. Both the little girl and the little boy had Griffin’s dark hair and grey eyes. They were beautiful.

“What about you?” Christa asked Griffin.

“A girl,” he said with finality.

“Really?” I said. “You don’t want a boy to teach to be manly?”

He snorted. “Who says I’m manly?”

“You’re very manly,” I said. I leaned over and kissed him.

“Eww, get a room, you guys,” said Christa.

“Anyway,” I said, “since when did you know this? You said you didn’t think about having a baby.”