SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (5 page)

The limbic system.
Not just SM folks, but a great many “normal” people, combine some aspects of domination and submission with their sexuality. (Many is the time, prior to my becoming interested in SM, that a straight woman would cry out “take me” or “I’ll do anything you want” to me during the heat of passion.) Clearly, there are elements of domination and submission connected with the sexuality of many people who do not identify as being into SM. What’s going on?

I have a very strong hunch that the answer may lie deep within our brains. More specifically, the answer may lie in the part of our brains known as the limbic system. This part of our brain is connected with emotions, instincts, drives, learning, and memory. Stimulating certain parts of the limbic system will result in the person feeling anger, pleasure, fear, or sexual arousal. Furthermore, stimulating certain parts of the limbic system may result in other parts of it also becoming aroused. For example, stimulating the anger part may also cause arousal in the sexual part. This is sometimes called the “fuck/fight syndrome.” It sometimes expresses itself when two members of a couple, while having a furious argument, suddenly realizing that they are terribly hot for one another and want to have sex
right then.
It also sometimes expresses itself when, after a period of very satisfying sex, one person will suddenly start an argument with the other, for no apparent reason.

Given that we see these behaviors, given that we know that the brains of men are subtly but definitely different from those of women, and given that there is at least some evidence that the brains of male homosexuals may be subtly different than the brains of male heterosexuals, it’s reasonable to wonder if the brains of SM folks are also subtly different from the brains of non-SM folks. Could there be some sort of enhanced connectivity between the sexual arousal section of the limbic system and the anger (domination) and/or the fear (submission) sections of the brain? Could arousal in one section cause above-average arousal in another section? Possibly. Actually, very possibly.

Their fantasies always bring them back.

If this is so, then a major difference between SM people and non-SM people is that SM people bring these facts out and look at them. They try to figure out how to deal with the urges and desires thus created in a safe and realistic way. They devise rules to control and contain these urges and desires, and thus give them form. In a word, they “ritualize” how these urges will be expressed. Therefore, if I had to describe SM in a very concise manner, I’d describe it as “ritualized sexual aggression and submission.”

Why are so many people against SM?
The major reason I used to be “in the closet” about my interest in SM (other than the normal reluctance to discuss the details of my sex life with anyone other than my lover) was that when I told somebody about my interest in SM, they usually had a radically different image of SM than I had.

I see SM as a caring, consensual, safe form of intense erotic play that causes no significant damage (much less than is caused by participating in many sports). Most uninformed people, on the other hand, conjure up images of rape, wife-beating, mental coercion, kidnapping, and psychopathic torture. They think that stuff turns me on! No wonder they conclude that I’m dangerously crazy.

So let me make a few things clear. I oppose rape. I oppose wife-beating. I oppose mental coercion. I oppose kidnapping. And, yes, prude that I am, I oppose psychopathic torture. I think many people feel repelled by SM because they mistakenly see it as cruelty. SM is not cruelty.

Unfortunately the media, especially, I’m sorry to say, the adult, erotic media, frequently and falsely portray nonconsensual, violent, and brutal acts as SM. Stories, photographs, videos, and so forth that depict coercion, kidnapping, rape, and torture as part of SM — and that fail to distinguish between the fantasy of nonconsent and the reality of consensual play — are all too common. Most of this crap is made by “mainstream” adult publishers who don’thave the slightest realistic understanding of SM. Thus, they mislead their customers.

We have a direct, effective remedy for this:
Don’t buy that garbage!
Better yet, contact the publishers who mislead their customers about what is and is not consensual SM. Tell them that you’re not buying their stuff, and tell them why.

It’s time that the SM community organized to oppose the representation of nonconsensual, brutal material as SM. If we see such material in magazines, books, movies, or elsewhere, we should confront it for the damaging fraud it is.

The first time I read
The Story of O
I got so wet that I soaked the chair I was sitting in.

This is absolutely not censorship. I have no opposition
per se
to the artistic depiction of rape, abuse, or other forms of violence. I don’t personally enjoy seeing that stuff, but I deeply oppose censoring it. What I
do
oppose is its being falsely labeled as SM. SM is SM. Violence is violence. No connection whatsoever exists between the two!

Also, I believe we should oppose giving the violent abuser “rationalizations” for their behavior, perhaps especially if the victim is a woman. Statements such as “Deep down inside, she really likes it,” or “She’ll learn to like it,” or “She deserves it,” are dangerous.

I don’t think people oppose SM. I think people oppose cruelty, and rightfully so. We in the SM community need to clarify that no connection exists between SM and cruelty.

The psychology of masochism. How could anybody experience pain as erotically arousing? That question stumps many people when they consider SM.

Most of us have been in powerful, dominant positions a few times. We remember how enjoyable that felt (in, perhaps, a slightly dark way), so we believe we feel some empathy for the dominant. Most of us have at least once felt angry with someone and lashed out at them. We remember how satisfying that felt, so we believe we feel some empathy for the sadist. Most of us have felt confused and overburdened at times, and wanted to turn responsibility for running things over to a competent caretaker, so we believe we feel some empathy for the submissive. But the masochist? The person who actively enjoys feeling pain? That creature confounds us.

Frankly, I don’t understand masochists all that well myself. I have enjoyed playing submissive, but I almost never enjoy receiving pain. If my dominant wants to whip me, or otherwise give me pain, I’ll strive to accept it with grace because I want to please them but, beyond the mildest levels, pain doesn’t arouse me.

Masochists, on the other hand, seem to have a different type of nervous system than the rest of us have. Levels of pain that would traumatize other people send them into ecstatic orbit. They love it, and want more.

I must emphasize one point: Masochists feel very particular about the pain they enjoy. It must be felt only under controlled, consensual circumstances. They experience the pain of an auto accident, punch in the face, bee sting, or similar treatment exactly like the rest of us, and dislike it just as much. You are not free to walk up to a masochist and slap them. Such behavior is nonconsensual, nonerotic, and
illegal.
A good dominant administers pain as carefully as a surgeon cuts. You act the same.

What’s going on inside a masochist’s mind? Possibly something important. People who respond deeply to erotic pain have a range of response that needs closer analysis. Reactions occur in them in response to erotic pain that we cannot satisfactorily explain based on simple intensity. Furthermore, these reactions cannot be fully explained by the “jaded” theory: the theory that these people are burned out on regular sex, and thus need this extra-intense stimulation to feel aroused; masochists seem to enjoy conventional sexual sensation as much as anybody else.

Many masochists report entering an altered state of consciousness. If they feel safe and secure about their situation and the people they’re with, they relax and surrender to an astonishing degree. They sometimes enter a mental state where the blows no longer feel unpleasant. One reported that the blows from a heavy wooden paddle felt like gentle drops of welcome, warm rain falling on a far-away part of his body. Masochists seem to have states of consciousness in common with yogis, fakirs, and other people who follow altered-consciousness pathways. I’ve heard talk of the intricacies of the nervous system, of endorphins and enkephalins.

One thing is certain: The old theories “explaining” masochism solely in terms of conventional western psychopathology, while no doubt true for some people, completely fail to answer the questions raised by examining these ecstatic masochists. I have seen people have out-of-body experiences while being whipped or otherwise erotically tortured. Something important is happening here, and if we insist that we already understand it, we will miss a major learning opportunity.

Should people with SM fantasies seek psychotherapy? Maybe. Maybe not. Let’s explore this further.

First, if someone is either physically or mentally suffering (and I don’t mean the special, erotic “suffering” experienced during consensual SM play; I mean real suffering) then they should get help. Many people suffer years of guilt and self-loathing because of their SM desires.

Second, psychotherapy with an SM-interested person should begin with both patient and therapist understanding that SM desires do not automatically indicate pathology. (See the Resource Guide for more information on finding such a therapist.)

Third, both therapist and patient should understand that even if an underlying cause of the SM desires is discovered and cured (and I believe this is both possible and beneficial for some people), the person might still find SM an exciting and intense form of erotic play.

Fourth, both need to understand that sexual arousal is not “rational,” at least in terms of how we usually define rationality, and differs from person to person.

Having reached those understandings, how might psychotherapist and patient proceed?

I need to feel really heavy pain about every six weeks or so, or I get really bitchy.

If you’re feeling that you might harm someone. One of the first things to consider is whether or not the patient is likely to harm or kill another person, or to seek out someone willing to harm or kill them. (I’ve heard of people who wanted to die but were unwilling to kill themselves seeking out the SM community hoping to find someone who would oblige them.)

I want to speak to the reader who feels it likely they will do something nonconsensual and damaging.

When somebody hurts us, we have a natural urge to hurt back. This urge is built into us and is a good thing. It discourages contemptible bullies (and there are millions of them in this world) from thinking they can hurt us with no fear of negative consequences. Everybody has the right of self-defense. Almost all anger has a rational origin.

However, one person shouldn’t be punished for something another person did to you. If you have an angry desire to hurt somebody who has done you no harm, or, especially, to damage them beyond their ability to self-heal, then I believe it’s in your own best interests to suspect that “old stuff” is going on regarding someone in your past. The same goes if you find yourself overreacting when somebody harms you or people you care about.

I say to you that it’s unlikely you will find peace of mind until you resolve things with the person who originally hurt you. I further say to you that such resolution
is
possible, even if the person who hurt you is dead or otherwise irreversibly gone from your life.

People get raped, abused, molested, battered, neglected, and abandoned, and all too often by those people who should have been kindest to them. This is horrible and tragic, but it’s possible, with time and a good therapist, to heal these wounds. For everyone’s sake, most especially yours, please get help.

I’ve spent time in therapy, and sometimes I’ve felt afraid to let go of thoughts and feelings I’ve held. But I’ve learned to trust the “therapeutic fall.” You must choose the time, conditions, and therapist carefully or you can be further hurt; but if everything is sound, letting go of old stuff allows better, healthier thoughts and feelings to emerge. Those wonderful results entirely justify taking an intelligently chosen risk.

Some people were put on this earth to be slaves. They’re unhappy if they’re not a slave, and they’ll keep searching until they find someplace where they can be one.

If you’re feeling that you might harm yourself. While I’m not a mental health expert, I dealt with many suicidal people during my days as an ambulance crewman. In addition, I spent many hours as a trained volunteer on a suicide hot line. (I’ve also considered suicide myself during some dark periods of my past life.) So I think I can speak to this issue with some credibility.

I think most people who want to kill themselves feel that way for one basic reason: they’re faced with a problem that they don’t know how to solve, and that they literally don’t feel they can live with. They and the problem can’t live together, and they can’t see any way to eliminate the problem, so they feel they must eliminate themselves. You aid the suicidal person by helping them find an alternative solution. In many ways, the motto of suicide prevention is, “Can you see any other way?”

I doubt that people who want to die know what they’re getting into. For one thing, nobody actually knows what happens when we die. For another, the dying process is irreversible if it proceeds beyond a certain point. If it’s not what you wanted, you’re stuck anyway. Death is final.

Few people truly want to die. On the other hand, many people want to escape terrible suffering, and they believe — sometimes validly — that dying may offer relief.

I have learned through experience, both personal and professional, that it is almost always possible to find a less traumatic solution to a problem than suicide (or killing someone else, or having someone kill you). I have found alternate solutions for myself — sometimes with help, sometimes alone — and I have helped others find solutions for themselves. And I’ll tell you, I’m now delighted that I didn’t kill myself. Please try to find another way. Talk to friends, see a shrink, write a journal. Do
something.