Snared (Jaded Regret #1) (35 page)

Life. How would I do life without her now?

I didn’t want to.

But what should I do about that?

I loved her. She loved me. But her life was here. Her job. Her parents. Would she want to give it all up to be the girlfriend of a drummer who spent a good portion of his life on the road?

I had to talk to her about that before we thought about heading home, but I wanted to make sure I had it straight in my head what I wanted.

My heart knew already.

I wanted her to come with me, but was I asking too much? Our relationship was still so young and fragile. Hell, what she’d been through already with me should count for some major relationship points, right?

All you can do is ask
.
The worst thing she can say is no
.

What if she
did
say no? What if she wasn’t ready to make that commitment yet? Well, I wouldn’t blame her if she wasn’t. It was huge of me to ask her to do any of this with me.

But she’d said she loved me, too.

You’re an amazing man, Beau Anderson. I love you
. I smiled. I loved her voice in my head. For so long, the only voice in my head had been one of pain and anguish. This time, it was one of love and acceptance. April’s soft, soothing voice had taken the place of the angry, abusive one that had haunted me for years.

“Beau.” Natalie’s voice broke into my thoughts. The whole band was watching me. Were they afraid of what I would do?

“I’m just thinking,” I said to them. “Can you guys not look at me like I’m a freak show?”

“We aren’t, Beau,” Bex said gently. “We want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m
more
than okay.” I put my arm around April’s shoulders. “I promise.”

They nodded and didn’t question me any further. I knew I’d scared the hell out of them, and they’d be like this for a while, but I would have to accept it. I’d done this to myself so it would come with the territory.

“I’m having the things picked up from Beats today. I’m putting them in storage at home until we can figure out where all of it is going to go.” Bex looked at me. “Are you ready to go home, Beau?”

I was afraid to see the expression on April’s face, so I avoided her gaze. “I am. More than ready.”

Bex’s eyes shifted to Robbie and then back to me with a silent question. I nodded. “I have to make sure I’m allowed to take Robbie out of the county.”

“It’ll be fine,” April said. “I can transfer the case down there. It’ll be a formality now since you’re his father, and you’re taking custody.”

“So we can go whenever we’re ready?” Bex asked April.

“Yes. Robbie will be free to go back home with you.” April didn’t look at me and my heart dropped. What did that mean?

“What do you think, Beau?” Natalie asked, noticing the shift in the room.

What did I think? I had no idea. Here I was, in the house of the woman I loved, talking about going back to my home which was hours away. I should’ve talked to her about this before.

I had to be a man. I had to show her exactly what I wanted and stand up for it right here and now, in front of everyone.

“I need to talk to April first before I decide.” I shifted my gaze so I could see her face. Her mouth was slightly agape and her eyes were wide. I guess she hadn’t expected me to say something in front of them. “You guys are welcome to go home any time you want. I’m fine. I appreciate every single one of you being here at the lowest point in my life. But something crazy happened while I was . . . well, being crazy.” I paused.

“My life changed a few months ago,” I continued, knowing I was telling the band but wanting April to know, too. “I met the most incredible woman. I didn’t think I ever wanted to be in love, but she showed me otherwise. She makes me want to be a better person, and she shows me a side of myself I didn’t know existed.” I swallowed, refusing to break my gaze from April’s, though my inclination was to shy away from anything that made me feel like my chest was ripping open. “She’s stuck by me even when it was scary and hard. I love her. The craziest part of it is that she loves me, too.”

I heard Natalie crying again, but I couldn’t stop looking at April. Tears shimmered in her eyes as I declared my love for her in front of my family. I didn’t want her to think that me wanting to go home was in any way a reflection of my lack of feelings for her.

“To be honest, I have no idea which way is up right now,” I said. “Having Robbie is something I never anticipated, but I know now I was meant to be his dad.” I felt Robbie lean his head against my arm, and I wrapped it around him, my eyes still locked on April. “I love you, April. I don’t know what you want or where we go from here. Your life is here, and I know this is a private conversation, and I’m sorry. I would never ask you to give up everything for me, but I want this. I want us. I know you and I need to figure out what we do from here, but I wanted you to know how I felt.”

She nodded, tears spilling down her cheeks. Johnny and Tanner were silent while Natalie and Bex sniffled. This was also new for Bex, who had only begun showing emotion like this in the last few years. Lennox had gone to her mom’s lap, worried about what was happening. Bex stroked her back.

“I want this, too. The rest we can figure out.” She leaned over and nestled into my neck. I could feel her tears against my skin. I had my whole world right here in my arms. I could die a happy man.

Bex sniffled. “Damn. Why did you have to make me cry and shit, Beau? Come on, now.” We all laughed, lightening the mood.

“Right? Who is this guy and what has he done with Beau?” Tanner joined in. “But, man, it’s all awesome. I know I give you shit, but you know I love ya, man. It’s good to see you happy. You deserve it.”

The band was going to start heading home tomorrow, leaving Natalie and me behind to make sure things were set with Robbie. That gave me time to talk to April privately and figure out what we were doing. I never wanted her to regret making a decision she made in regards to me, so giving us the time to think it through made me much more confident.

“We’ll see you at home.” Bex hugged me goodbye. “Bring her home with you,” she whispered into my ear.

I nodded. “I’m going to try.”

“You’re a good dad. It’s all going to be great having Robbie around. He’s a good boy, and we will all be there for anything he—or you—needs.” Bex grabbed Lennox’s hand and walked to the door.

“Thanks.” My throat was too thick to say anything else.

“See you soon,” Johnny said, smacking my back. “Get your girl, Beau. Believe me when I say it’s amazing.”

“I know. Thanks, Johnny.”

Tanner followed, shaking my hand and wiggling his eyebrows at April behind us. I laughed and shoved him out the door, shutting it behind him.

“Robbie,” Natalie said. “I had an idea. Would you like to go shopping with me and pick out some clothes and shoes? Plus, we need to decide what your room is going to be like at home if you want to find some ideas.”

Robbie looked over at me, and I nodded. “Sure! That sounds fun.”

Natalie met my gaze, and I mouthed
thank you
. She nodded, grabbing Robbie’s hand and heading for the door. The second the door clicked shut, I pulled April to me and held her, our hearts the only part of us talking.

April tipped her face back to look into mine. “Robbie did well with everyone. He’s not going to have any trouble fitting right in at home.”
At home. She didn’t say your home or my home. Or our home. Just home. What did that mean
?

I nodded. “I’m proud of him. He scared the hell out of me today, but I’m glad he was able to get it back together after we talked.”

“He wants to be loved,” she explained. “Once he understood, he forgot about it quickly. I wish I could say it would be the last of that, but you need to be prepared that it won’t.”

“I need to get him in to see a children’s therapist at home.” I’d ask Dr. Mia for a good kid’s therapist.

“Probably would be good for the two of you to go together as well.”
Would she want to go with us? Was that too presumptuous to ask? Would she even be with us, or would we try a long distance relationship?

“Good idea.” I brushed my lips against hers. She sighed, melting her body back into mine as our tongues twisted in a sensual dance. God, I loved this woman. “I love you,” I said against her lips.

“I love you, too. Are you okay today?” She’d watched me this morning taking my arsenal of medication. I’d tried to hide it but she’d stopped me, telling me not to be embarrassed about it.

I’m nervous as hell to have this conversation with you
. “Yes, thank you. I am. I feel better than I have in a long time.”

She stared at me, waiting. Did she read my mind? Probably. She was getting rather good at it. My arms were clasped behind her back, and we were pressed together, our hearts beating in tandem with each other. “What is it?”

“We need to talk,” I said. Her face dropped, and she stepped back from me. I hated I made her feel this way. “Nothing is bad, April. Come on, let’s go in the living room.” I held her hand as we walked together into the living room, settling on the couch.

“I’m scared,” she admitted.

“I’m not trying to scare you. I just want us to be on the same page as far as what we want to do now. I meant every word I said earlier. I want you to be a part of my life. But never, ever would I ask you to give up everything to come with me. This is your home. You’ve built your life here, and your family is here. That being said, I can’t live in Orlando. My band’s home is a few hours from here, and we are on the road a lot. So my question then is, do you want to date long distance and try to see each other as much as possible?”

April twisted her fingers together, looking down as I finished talking. “Beau, answer me something.”

“Anything.”

“If we lived in the same town and this was a non-issue, what would you want to have happen now?”

“I would want for us to at least be in each other’s daily lives. But honestly, I’d want you to move in with me. I’d want to wake up with you every single day, I’d want to slide in the shower behind you—once this fucker is off.” I indicated my cast. “And make love to you in the bed we’d share.”

Sometimes I still shocked myself with the quantity of words I used. Never much of a talker, every time I found myself telling April exactly how I felt, it surprised me.

April stared at me for so long I wondered if she heard me. Just when I was about to say something, she stood up. What the . . . ? Before I could think any further, she straddled me, taking my face in both of her hands. “I called this morning and asked for a transfer.”

A transfer? What did she mean? A transfer to where? When she saw my confusion, she smiled.

“I called my boss and asked to transfer offices.”

My eyes widened as I understood. “Really? You did?”

“I hoped I wasn’t being presumptuous, but I had to know.”

“And what did he or she say?”

“She said there were no openings in your area,” April explained.

I swore I stopped breathing.
Shit
. “Oh.”

April pressed her lips to mine. “So I quit.”

“What?” She couldn’t do that. Not for me, not for anyone. “April, you can’t . . .”

“Listen,” she said, putting her finger on my lips. She shifted, awakening my desire despite our serious conversation. “I talked to Bex when they were here.”

She talked to Bex? When? About what? Her finger still on my lips kept me from responding.

“She wants me to help her with the girls’ home, especially now that she wants to open this place with all the instruments. It’s a dream come true for me. I don’t have to work for a huge bureaucracy that I can’t control, but I still get to do what I love and help kids who need me.” April kissed me, my mind reeling as our lips moved together. I gripped her hips as she began grinding on me. I wanted nothing more than to take her right here on this couch, but I needed to know more. I needed to know she wasn’t going to regret this.

“Not only that.” April smiled as I adjusted myself. God, she made it so hard to think. “I want to be there for Robbie.”

She . . . wanted to be there for Robbie? “You do?” It came out little more than a whisper.

“Yes. I want to . . .” April broke eye contact, seemingly nervous about what she was going to say.

“You don’t have to be worried to say what you think. I want to hear every single thing you have to say, all the time.”

“I want to be his family,” she said. “I want us to raise him. Together. I know that’s probably too much, too soon, but I—”

I grabbed her, fisting her hair with my good hand as I took every emotion running amok in my body and poured it into kissing her. She gasped as I assaulted her mouth with mine, sucking and biting until we both started ripping at each other’s clothes, in desperation to show the other how serious we were about what was happening here.

I slid my fingers under her dress and into her wet center, groaning when she clamped down around me. She’d already ridded me of my shirt, and she was working her small hands on my pants at this moment. I sighed in relief when her hand found my hard length. I curved my fingers and pressed against her, hitting the spot I knew would send her directly over the edge. Using my mouth, I bit the strap of her dress and pulled it down, baring her chest to me. God, she was beautiful.