So Much Closer (21 page)

The thing I’m most impressed with is a huge photo of New York City at night taken over our neighborhood. It has glittery gold streets leading downtown, midnight purple water surrounding the edge of Manhattan, and New Jersey lights shining in the distance. The Twin Towers stand proudly over everything.

“I love this poster,” I say.

“Thanks. I knew you would.”

“I had a really bad fight with my dad. I can’t go back there. I know you’re mad at me, but do you think I could stay here tonight?”

“You know you can.”

“Sweet,
thank
you.”

“That’s part of the problem. You know I can’t say no to you.”

“Um ... I wasn’t sure if it would be okay. I could go if—”

“But what pisses me off the most? Isn’t even about me. It’s about how you can disrespect yourself and not even care. You have this amazing gift that you’re just throwing away. I wish I had even one shred of your talent. Stuff that takes me hours to figure out comes so easily to you, like it’s nothing. Don’t you realize how lucky you are? It’s like ... why are you doing this to yourself? You could be so much more than you let yourself be. You
are
so much more. Why can’t you just let yourself be the real you?”

I’m completely blown away. I have no idea what to say to all that. Hailey must have been right about John liking me. Why else would he care so much?

“I didn’t know that’s why you were mad,” I say. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“I’m not mad. I’m disappointed. There’s a difference.”

“Can—”

“No, wait. I
am
mad. I’m mad that from the second I saw you, I knew I wanted to be with you, but you didn’t feel the same way. It really felt like you came here for me, but you actually came here for Scott. Then suddenly, it’s all about him and I’m like,
Where did
this
guy come from?
I couldn’t believe you asked him to go to Strawberry Fields with us.”

“Wait. Sadie and I were supposed to go alone, but then you said you wanted to come. It’s not like it was originally the three of us.”

“Dude. I’m the one who asked Sadie to set the whole thing up. I asked her to ask you to go. And the next thing I know, you’re hanging all over Scott right in front of me. I couldn’t stand it. I even had to get off the subway early. And that time on the roof when I tried to hold your hand? You didn’t even notice. That’s ... I really thought we were connecting. Then I find out you liked Scott the whole time.”

“Wow.”

“Tell me about it.”

“This is ...” How could I have been so clueless? John is the first boy I’ve ever misread. I wasn’t even sure if he liked girls. He never talked about any. And I never asked because I assumed it was part of his life he wanted to keep private. This is not at all what I expected.

John coughs. “I sort of wish I could take back everything I just said.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad you told me.”

“Really? Won’t things be weird now?”

“I don’t think so.”

There’s no way I want John out of my life just because he likes me. As long as it’s not weird for him, I’m cool with it. Actually, I’m extremely thankful that John is in my life. He’s such a good friend. It’s obvious that he wants me to be the best version of myself. He’s helped me realize my potential in a way my mom never could and my dad is never around to encourage. While Mom shoots me down and keeps saying how much of a disappointment I am, John picks me up. He helped me figure out what I want to be. He motivates me to care. He’s helping me way more than I’m helping him. He always makes me feel better, even if all we’re doing is discovering new water towers or walking around, looking up.

So how incredible is it that John was able to do all of those things without telling me how he felt? It must have been really hard for him to put my needs before his own. And that makes him even more amazing than I realized.

“It’s funny how you wore that shirt tonight,” I say. It’s like John somehow knew I’d need to come over. I can’t remember what he was wearing in tutoring before, but it wasn’t this. This, I would have remembered. “It’s new, right?”

“Yeah. I had it customized at that place on MacDougal.”

“Is being friends going to be weird for you?”

“Probably. But I’d rather get used to it than lose you. Want to know what my autumnal equinox resolution was?”

“Okay.”

“To find a way to make you realize that we belong together.”

Shut. Up. I am totally sticking that in the Of Course file. Because of course that’s the same resolution I made about Scott. I remember that day on the High Line, seeing it for the first time, overwhelmed not only by the beauty of it but by John connecting with this city the same way I do. I remember the sunset we watched. And I remember how relaxed I felt with him.

John could not be farther from relaxed right now. He’s a total wreck. He’s been pacing around his room, picking random stuff up and throwing it back down.

I feel horrible. “I’m really sorry about this,” I apologize.

“Don’t be. You either feel it or you don’t.”

“I love spending time with you. I don’t want that to change.”

“No change necessary. Let the record show that life will resume as usual.”

“Cool.”

“Sorry for all that crap I said about how you’re disrespecting yourself. You know how I get when I’m ranting.”

“You know what? You were right. I needed to hear it.”

“Happy to be of assistance.”

John is incredible. If I were him, I wouldn’t be able to even look at me, much less keep being friends with me. But we still feel like Brooke and John, same as always.

Sitting next to one of John’s Rubik’s Cubes is an origami unicorn. It looks familiar, except that it’s painted purple and has sequins for eyes.

“Is that ... ?” I go over and inspect the unicorn. It was folded from a take-out menu. “Didn’t I make this?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t remember giving it to you.”

“That’s because you didn’t. I borrowed it.”

“You borrowed it?”

“More like stole it. Semantics.”

“Why?”

“Are you mad?”

“No, it’s okay. You know I make tons of these. But why would you want it?”

“I don’t know. It dropped out of your bag and Hailey likes unicorns, so I brought it home for her. She’s the one who decorated it, not me.”

“I assumed.”

“Because I’d use googly eyes instead of sequins.”

“It’s cute.” Hailey glued a satin ribbon on its tail. She also put blue glitter on its horn.

“Oh, it’s not only cute. It’s purple, it’s sparkly, and it’s a unicorn. What more do you want?”

I want to ask why the unicorn isn’t in Hailey’s room, but John’s been through enough for one night.

When we go back out to the great room, Hailey’s not there. She’s shut herself in her room. With the space all to ourselves, I take in how vast it is. John’s so lucky to live here. And he’s the best kind of lucky—he appreciates what he has.

I look out the big windows. Surrounded by city lights and purple sky, the enormity of being here hits me all over again. It doesn’t matter if I can’t figure out which way I’m from. All that matters is that I made it to the other side.

This journey wasn’t about being with some boy. It was about discovering who I am, realizing what I could be. Moving to New York City was more important than following Scott here. Being with him felt like everything to me. But he was just a catalyst. He was a way of keeping my dream alive. I built him up as someone who would be the answer to everything I wanted.

He’s not that boy. No boy is. No one can be everything you want them to be.

The only person I can count on is myself. It’s up to me to create the life I want. I can’t blame my parents or Scott or anyone else for the way things are.

Now that I know where this life is going, it’s time to decide how I’ll get there.

“Your SAT score from
... let’s see ... November was almost perfect. That means colleges will be more lenient about your grades,” the college advisor explains.

There was only one college advisor for like 3,000 students at my old school, so after I took the SATs for the first time last May she never called me in or anything. But every senior was required to take the SATs again this fall and now things are different. This advisor is the real deal. She’s helping me put together a list of colleges I can actually get into. When I signed up for an appointment with her, I didn’t realize how nervous I’d be.

“You have lots of options,” she says. “Would you consider going out of state?”

“I don’t think so. I really love it here.”

“Well, there are plenty of colleges in the city that could work for you. You have a low C average overall, which is close to what most students graduate with. And your recent improvement is a good thing. The only problem is that most of the application deadlines have passed. But you’ve already applied to a few and we can find some more with later deadlines. There’s always community college to fall back on, although I’m sure you’ll be accepted somewhere decent. And if you maintain at least a three point eight your first two years, you can transfer to a much better college junior year.”

I can’t believe this could work out. The colleges I’ve already applied to are average or below-average ones that take students with lower GPAs like mine. The advisor thinks I have a good chance of getting into any one of them. And there are more colleges I still have time to apply to here in New York, even a few in lower Manhattan where I want to stay.

This is a lot of information. Fortunately, I have a friend who can help me break it down. But before we discuss college, I have to tell her about John.

“I can’t believe he likes me,” I say. I just told Sadie everything that happened at John’s place last night. She wanted to meet at Crumbs, but I insisted on Joe. It’s comforting here. I need comforting.

Sadie does not look surprised about John liking me. “I can’t believe you didn’t know,” she says.

“How could you not have told me?”

“How could you not have known?”

“I thought we were just hanging out.”

“Oh, please. I could tell from the day you started tutoring. He couldn’t wait to talk about you after.”

“You should have told me.”

“John swore me to secrecy.”

“Thanks a lot.”

“He has friendship dibs. Anyway, what would you have done? It’s not like you’d suddenly start liking someone who wasn’t Scott.”

Maybe that’s what happened with Espresso Boy. Who’s here, of course. I was so into telling Sadie everything that happened last night that I didn’t even notice him slip in.

“Don’t look,” I whisper, “but he’s here.”

“Who, John?”

“No! Espresso Boy.”

“This I gotta see,” Sadie goes, twisting around.

“I said don’t look!”

“Is that him over there? Against the wall?”

“Um-hm.”

“Why didn’t you tell me he looks like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like cute!”

I
tsk
. “He is not.”

“He
so
is. You must still be suffering from Scott-impaired vision.”

I steal a peek at Espresso Boy. Naturally, he’s picked up on our frenetic vibe and is busy trying to look like he’s not watching us watch him. I know Sadie’s right about him being cute. But the thought of even thinking some other boy is cute who isn’t Scott is making me nauseated.

“He even has a cupcake,” Sadie adds. They have special cupcakes made by one of the celebs who lives nearby. We never know when they’ll be here. When they are, Sadie always gets one with her caramel latte. I don’t know how she tolerates such extreme sugar overload without bouncing off the walls.

“Lots of people have cupcakes,” I say.

“No. Only people who are awesome.”

“Do you want me to introduce you?”

“I would if he wasn’t smitten with you. I’m doing this thing now where if there’s something I want to say, I say it. No more waiting for some mystical right time that never comes and then missing my chance.”

“We can find Carlos. We’ll just ask the manager.”

“That’s okay. It’s way more fun being consumed by regret.”

“I don’t get you. Why don’t you just ask what his last name is? Or I’m sure they know why he left. Maybe he got transferred to another Rite Aid a few blocks away. He could be right around the corner!”

Sadie sips her latte. “If we were meant to be together, he would have been there when I went in with my note.”

“Seriously?”

“Absolutely. Anyway, this is New York! There are plenty of guys.”

I still think Sadie should try to find him, but I’m not going to push it. Moving on, I take out my notebook. Sadie said she’d help me figure out my life. She’s really good at that kind of thing. It’s ironic how I thought she was so annoying at first and now she’s like my best friend. I’ve let April go. Maybe she’ll eventually want me back in her life. If she doesn’t, there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is hope that we’ll be friends again one day, even though things will never be the same between us.