So Much Closer (24 page)

“Too bad colleges don’t think like that.”

“If they don’t take you, it’s their loss.”

“You really believe that?”

“Totally.” It’s so weird how this whole time I thought John had some secret to success that he wasn’t sharing with anyone. He’s never let his guard down before, which I didn’t even know he had. I thought I was the only one with armor. It’s surprising that he has hidden insecurities and doubts, too, but it’s also comforting. It makes me feel less alone.

When I hear the front door open, I can’t believe John’s been here long enough for Dad to get home. We’ve just been talking this whole time, but it doesn’t feel like he’s even been here for an hour. The clock says he’s been here for almost three.

Dad must have seen John’s coat and bag near the door because he comes right back to my room. He never does that. He usually comes home, puts some takeout on the kitchen counter, and heads for his laptop in the living room. But here he is. Dad. Hovering in my doorway. Staring at John sprawled on my bed.

“Hey, Mr. Greene!” John jumps up and goes over to my dad. “Awesome to finally meet you, sir. I’m John Dalton. Of the High Line Daltons.” John extends his hand for Dad to shake. “Sorry. Joke. Horrocious brain fry.”

Dad stares at John. They shake hands.

“You should really know that Brooke is the best tutor I’ve ever had. Seriously, the girl has changed my life. I’d be a mess without her.”

“Stop,” I say. He’s so embarrassing.

Then we’re all just standing around, waiting for someone else to say something.

Eventually, Dad says, “Brooke, I need to talk to you.”

That chips away a piece of John’s confidence. “Oh, should I—I can go. Yeah, I’ll go.” I follow John to the front door. As he’s putting on his coat he whispers, “Call me if you need anything.”

“I will.”

“You can always stay at my place again. You know that, right?”

“I do.”

Back in my room, Dad’s sitting at my desk. I straighten the comforter, then sit on my bed. I don’t know why I’m so nervous.

“It’s occurred to me that you require more structure,” he says.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning you can’t just run around like this. I was trying to give you some space. I know what it’s like living with your mother and I wanted you to have more freedom here. But you’re staying out late ... I didn’t even know where you went that night you didn’t come home—”

“I didn’t think you’d care.”

“Of course I cared. That’s why I kept calling you. You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care. I thought that with you living here, I’d be in your life more.”

“Things can’t just suddenly change because you want them to, Dad. You have to make them change.”

“I know. That’s what I’m doing.” Dad takes one of my Gelly Roll pens out of their glass jar. He taps it against my calculus book. “No boys in your room. I was that age once. I know how they think. They shouldn’t be in here.”

“Fine.”

“No staying out all night. You have to get permission if you want to sleep over at a friend’s house. And I don’t want you out so late on school nights. You need to be home by ... let’s say nine thirty. No, nine.”

“Okay.”

Dad looks as sad as Mom sounded on the phone last time I talked to her.

“Sorry I’m not around more,” he says. “My plan was to get home earlier and have dinner with you every night. I know it’s not fair for you to be here alone. But I don’t know if things will change. They probably won’t. Are you okay with that?”

“I’ll have to be.”

Dad sighs. “Guess I kind of suck at this, huh?”

“You’re not that bad. I mean ... there’s always room for improvement.”

He laughs. “You’re right about that.”

After the night I stormed out, I was so afraid Dad would send me back to New Jersey. That week he didn’t talk to me was the worst. But it sounds like he was afraid, too. Afraid of what he might hear if he asked for the truth. Maybe even afraid that I didn’t want to live with him anymore. Because if everything he’s told me is true, then he really does want me here. He’s just not ready to overhaul his life for me the way I did for Scott. Plus, he did the whole rule thing backward. It’s not the best that he’s so clueless, but it’s not the worst, either.

“By the way,” Dad says, “if you stay in New York for college, your room will always be here. You’re welcome anytime.”

“You mean you’re not turning it back into an office?”

“I have enough office at the office. Anyway, you know I prefer working in the living room.”

“True. Um ... can we maybe go running on Sundays? Like we were supposed to?”

“Absolutely. Should we wait until it gets warmer?”

“Sure.” I don’t know if we’ll ever go running every week. But it’s okay. Whatever happens, I know that right in this moment, Dad means it and he’s trying.

“Did you eat yet?” he says.

“No, I’m starving.”

“How do you feel about pizza?”

“Extra cheese and garlic?”

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll make the call.”

It’s cool that we’re eating dinner together for once, but I’m not deluded. I know that tomorrow things will probably go back to the way they’ve been. It’s too soon for any big changes to happen, if they’re ever going to happen at all. But the possibility of change makes me happy. It gives me hope again.

The Zen garden
was so desolate all winter. I only came out here a few times, wrapped up in my puffy coat, watching the city lights sparkle in the cold night. I haven’t seen Ree in a while. I wonder how she’s doing, if she still comes out here to sketch the moon.

I love being back in the garden now that it’s warmer. I can’t wait for the sunflowers to grow again. And I’m excited about this walk we’re about to go on. I’m just waiting for everyone to get here.

Looking around for John, I find him crossing the street. I can tell it’s him even from this far away. I like being able to watch him when he doesn’t know I’m watching. Whenever we have plans to do something, I always get this happy feeling of anticipation. I love spending time with John. He’s the first person I’ve ever felt totally comfortable with. I don’t have to think about how to act when I’m with him. It’s such a relief to just relax and be myself, especially since I’m starting to understand who that is. He makes me feel like nothing I could do would make him like me any less. And that’s an amazing feeling.

When John finds me he says, “Wanna go for a walk?”

“Like I’d miss our vernal equinox walk.”

“And vernal equinox resolution. It’s kind of like an autumnal equinox resolution, only better.”

“Do you know what your resolution is?”

“You know what it is.” He looks at me with intense eyes.

I feel my cheeks get hot. It didn’t used to bother me when John said stuff like that back when I found out he liked me. But now it affects me. Not to the point where I’d want to stop being friends or anything. We’re better friends than ever. It’s just ... the way he looks at me. It’s intense, is all.

Sadie has a theory that when I was infatuated with Scott, I wasn’t able to accurately process any other boy’s behavior. It was like I was perceiving all the other boys through some kind of filter. Now that filter is off and everything is much clearer.

“Happy spring!” Sadie yells from the walking path. We get up from our rock and make our way down to her, stepping on the other big rocks as we go.

“Can you believe this weather?” I say.

“I know,” she says. “It’s like spring knew we were going to celebrate it.”

“Spring totally knew,” Carlos says. The way he agrees with Sadie is so cute. He’s completely smitten.

I could not have been prouder of Sadie when she called Carlos. She lost almost all of her boy confidence after he gave her his number. She was convinced that he thought she was a complete freak and only gave her his number to be nice, so after obsessing for days over whether to call him she wasn’t even going to call. But then Sadie remembered how she promised herself she wouldn’t have any more regrets.

It’s obvious that Carlos was stoked by her decision.

As we start walking downtown in the twilight, more city lights blink on. This is the best time for a walk, with everything the night can bring just waiting to be discovered.

I take a piece of paper folded into a trapezoid out of my bag. I slip it into John’s back pocket.

“What’s that?” he says.

“Just something.”

“What is it?”

“A note. A warm fuzzy, more specifically.”

“You are so in love with those!” Sadie raves. She gazes adoringly at Carlos. “I transformed Brooke from an aloof, cynical person into someone who writes warm fuzzies.”

“Hey,” John says. “You can’t take all the credit. Let the record show that other people were involved in that transformation.”

“Sorry, John. You rule as well.”

“You guys make me sound like an extra-credit project,” I say. “Don’t listen to them, Carlos. I wasn’t aloof.”

Carlos smiles knowingly. He’s only been with Sadie for two months, but that’s more than enough time to understand how giving she is.

“Is it the warm fuzzy you promised me?” John asks.

“That would be the one. You should read it later.” We’re passing an enormous building with huge loft spaces. The lights are on in the penthouse, which has a spectacular glass wall. I tilt my head way back and look up. You can totally see in. It would be so cool to have a home like that one day.

I look up a lot more these days. To me, it feels like hope. Now I know that the chances for happiness are infinite. Anything can happen. And there are people who will stick by me even though I’ll always be a work in progress.

John is staring at me. I can feel his stare against the side of my face.

“What?” I go.

“I love watching you when you see something you like.”

“You have to quit saying things like that.”

“Why?”

“Because I know you like me.”

“So? Does that mean I can’t be honest anymore?”

“This isn’t awkward at all,” Sadie tells Carlos.

“Sorry, guys. I keep explaining to John that friends don’t say things like that to their friends.”

“No, but a friend who’s in love with a friend does.”

Pause. Did John just tell me he loves me?

Sadie and John exchange a look. No one knows how I’m going to react. Including me.

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way,” John says. “I get it. I just wanted you to know.”

One of the most amazing things that can happen is finding someone who sees everything you are and won’t let you be anything less. They see the potential of you. They see endless possibilities. And through their eyes, you start to see yourself the same way. As someone who matters. As someone who can make a difference in this world.

If you’re lucky enough to find that person, never let them go.

I grab his hand. This time, I won’t let go.

Warm fuzzies with extra sparkle go out to:

 

Kendra Levin & Regina Hayes
In the world of editing, you are gifted with The Knowing.

 

My Penguin family
The ones who make it all happen.

 

Jim Hoover & Marc Tauss
For turning my dream cover into reality.

 

David Letterman
Who sparked my passion for New York City.

 

Gillian MacKenzie & Kirsten Wolf
For always having my back.

 

Laurie Halse Anderson, Sarah Dessen, and Meg Cabot
From whom I’ve learned so much.

 

Dr. Pat Sharkey, NYU Department of Sociology
For enlightening me about neighborhood effects.

 

Paul Simon
Back in the day, you were the soundtrack of my future.

 

Jim Downs
Fellow lover of the Energy, fellow winner of the race.

 

Joe Torello
Who knows all about chasing the dream.

 

Pierre
Who understands about the High Line.

 

And especially my readers
Your excitement and support help me to always dream big.
Infinite thanks to you.