So Much It Hurts (22 page)

Later that night I got an instant message from Chris.

ChrisRocknrollKing: They’re sending me back

Cheerchick88: I figured they would :(

ChrisRocknrollKing: U are worth it. That punk needed 2 b brought down a notch or 2. He thinks he owns this world and every1 in it but Ive got news 4 him

Cheerchick88: Thanks 4 standing up 4 me. I just wish it didnt mean that u have to leave

ChrisRocknrollKing: I know and I’m sorry

Cheerchick88: When do u leave?

ChrisRocknrollKing: In the morning :(

Sighing, I fought back the rush of tears.

Cheerchick88: Ok :(

ChrisRocknrollKing: I have to see u 2night

Cheerchick88: idk

ChrisRocknrollKing: Pls sneak out and come see me. I just want to see u…2 spend time with u before I have 2 leave. Im begging…pls Kaitlyn

I debated the idea. The thought of being alone with him, while the rest of the world slept, made me a little apprehensive. Part of me wasn’t ready to be alone with any guy, but Chris was leaving. I didn’t know if or when I’d get to see him again. I couldn’t let him be shipped off without saying goodbye. After all, he did save my life. I felt strong feelings for him that left me exhilarated and heartbroken at the same time. I needed to say goodbye. I knew I had to see him.

Cheerchick88: Ok. I will find a way

ChrisRocknrollKing: Thank you. Call my cell when u get here. And be careful!

Cheerchick88: Ok. It will be @11:30pm

ChrisRocknrollKing: I’ll b waiting ;)

Everything got quiet downstairs as I waited nervously for my parents to go to bed. I had left a note on my pillow just in case my mom came in to check on me and found me missing.

The last thing I needed was for the police to track me down at Chris’s house.

When I felt certain my parents were asleep, I crept downstairs, through the kitchen, and out the back door. Quietly, I got in my car, but I didn’t shut the door for fear it would be too loud. I shifted my car into neutral and let it roll backwards down the driveway. A car in neutral was much harder to steer, but I steered it enough that I could coast down the hill a little ways from my house before starting the engine and slamming the door shut. My plan had worked out perfectly. I was on my way to see Chris! Waves of adrenaline and excitement pulsed through my arteries, and my heart slammed in my chest.

When I had gotten close to Chris’s driveway I called his cell. He picked up on the first ring. “I’m already outside waiting,” he admitted. He was at my car door almost as soon as I pulled into his driveway. With an eager grin, he opened the car door and pulled me to my feet. “Thank you for coming,” he whispered. He held me in his arms for several seconds.

Waves of passion tore through my body as he pulled me closer; a frightening feeling welled up inside me. A panic attack threatened me, similar to that same moment of terror I felt when he had wrapped his arm around me the day before. I took a deep breath to try to control my pounding heart and inhaled his familiar spine-tingling musky scent that immediately calmed my nerves. I remembered the conversation we’d had—the meltdown where I pounded the shit out of his chest and he just held onto me, comforting me and allowing me my moment of rage.
He won’t hurt me,
I reminded myself.

“Come on,” he whispered, as he pulled me away from my car. “I’ve got somewhere to take you.”

He shuffled me through the darkness and into an open field behind his house. The moon shone brilliantly across the grass. The gentle breeze swayed the tall grass back and forth while the wind whistled through the trees lining the field. Twinkling stars flickered like tiny lightning bugs in the night sky. Crickets chirped and frogs croaked in the darkness. The gray-blue mountains in the distance served as a picturesque backdrop.

“I come out here at night sometimes when I can’t sleep,” he explained, “or when I need to think.”

“Wow,” I whispered. “It’s beautiful.”

“Will you dance with me?” he asked me quietly.

“But, there’s no music,” I said.

“Don’t worry. We don’t need any.” He turned and held his hands out to me.

I surrendered easily and let him surround me in his arms. We swayed in silence. He held me close to his body and gently placed his hand on the small of my back. My breath caught in my throat as the intense feeling of wanting to kiss him surged through my body. Somewhere deep inside me, the capsule of fear threatened to burst again. It forewarned me that it would detonate a nuclear bomb of panic, leaving a mushroom cloud of regretted words and broken spirits. I tried my best to release the valve on the expanding balloon of anxiety, while at the same time, I melted from the passion that smoldered in his dark, penetrating eyes.

“Look, Chris, I’ll go to the principal. I’ll tell him everything. I’ll tell him you were just trying to protect me. I’ll—”

“No,” he interrupted me. “I can’t let you do that. I won’t. You’ve been through enough already. Like you said, Trevor and his family have this whole damn town in their back pockets. In case you haven’t noticed, me and the good ole boy network just don’t mix. You do
not
need to get wrapped up in these shady small town politics. It would only end up hurting you more in the long run. Besides, I would have done the same thing a thousand times over if it meant I was protecting you. You are worth it…” his voice trailed off as he pulled me closer and gently kissed the top of my head.

I felt the wind gently blowing around us. Softly, he began to sing. I recognized Garth Brooks’
The Dance
immediately. The words he sang made me realize how thankful I was to have met him. Even though the thought of being ripped apart was absolutely devastating, having the chance to fall in love with him was worth it in the end. Staring at his face, I memorized every feature, every crease, and every dimple. I listened to the sweet timbre of his voice as he sang to me from what I could only imagine as the deepest depths of his soul. Tears glistened in his eyes and threatened to fall, conveying unspeakable emotions. I was losing him. He was leaving, and I was
losing
him. I squeezed him tighter as if I would never let go, and he wrapped his arms more firmly around my body. I could have stayed there in his arms all night. I breathed in the wonderful aroma of him—fresh, woodsy, and masculine. He sighed with a deep, staggering exhale as he pressed himself even closer to me.

His breath was hot on my lips. I could almost feel the electric pulses of sexual tension that radiated between our bodies. Confusion permeated my heart. I had feelings for Chris I couldn’t explain, yet at the same time I felt ugly inside. My natural reaction to the feelings I had for Chris didn’t feel natural at all; thanks to Trevor, they felt dirty. I tried to console myself.
This isn’t wrong. This isn’t bad. He’s not going to hurt me.
Tenderly, he brought his lips to mine. The supple, yet intense passion of his kiss spread a blanket of warmth throughout my body. I gently kissed him back. The desperate yearning between us gave way as we held tighter to each other and moved our lips in rhythm. The soft sensation of his velvet tongue on mine sent shivers down my spine. I held onto the feeling of his body against mine and the taste of his gentle kiss as long as he would let me. He pulled away, leaving me breathless.

“Kaitlyn, I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve tried to put you out of my mind from the minute I first saw you. I knew you were so far out of my league. I knew there was no chance that a guy like me would ever have a chance to be with a girl like you. The more I spend time with you the more I realize that I can’t help falling for you. I know we could never be together—not the way we want to be. I’m not dumb. I know what people say about me…and about you. I know that there is never going to be a chance for ‘us.’ I just want you to know that you are the most amazing girl I have ever met. I have fallen hard for you despite my efforts not to. Even if I never have the chance to be with you like I want to, at least I can say that I gave it my best shot. Just know that you will always hold a special place in my heart. Always.”

My tears slid silently down my cheeks. They fell because I knew he was right, but I didn’t want him to be right. I wanted to curl up into his arms and never let go. I wanted to have the freedom to fall in love with the guy standing right in front of me without the fear of judgment. I was tired of pretending that I didn’t have feelings for him—that I couldn’t love him. I just wished that everyone would give him the chance that he deserved and would stop being so judgmental. Chris was everything I wanted—
needed
. The thought of walking away from him at the end of the night knowing that we could never be “we” was enough to cause me to hyperventilate under the implosion of my heart. My sobs heaved as I buried myself in his chest.

“Shhhhh, baby,” Chris said, pulling me tighter against him.
“Please don’t cry. I didn’t say all that to make you cry. I just needed you to know how I felt.”

“Chris, when I am with you, I can be myself. You have made me realize how love could be—
should
be. You saved me in more ways than one. I can’t thank you enough for that.”

He stared deeply into my tear-filled eyes. “I love you, Kaitlyn.” He didn’t wait for a response. I don’t think he expected one. Instead, he gently kissed me again. That time his kiss felt sorrowful. I could taste the tears that fell from my eyes and felt the emotion that heaved from his chest as he swallowed the lump that must have been forming in his throat. We stood there in the moonlight holding each other, wishing things could be different between us. “I have had the most amazing night,” Chris said as he walked me to my car and held my car door open for me.

“Me too,” I smiled.

“Just know that no matter what happens, I will always love you. I mean that with every fiber of my being. You will always hold my heart.
Always,
” his voice cracked as a single tear escaped his eye and slid down his cheek.

I knew that feeling he was describing—that overwhelming feeling of emotion you could feel in every atom of your body; I felt it, too.
Why can’t I say it?
Instead, I whispered, “Chris, no matter what happens, I will never forget you.” My heart shattered as I said those words because I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, I meant them…and
more
.

I slunk down into the seat of my car. He shut my car door, watching me through the window as I buckled my seatbelt and started the engine. His eyes were glassy, and his lip trembled. He touched my window, holding his palm firmly against it. I placed my hand against his. The thin sheet of glass that separated us felt like a metaphor for our lives. ‘I love you,’ he mouthed the words
. Oh god I can’t do this! I can’t leave him. I just found him. I can’t let him go!
But, I had to. I blew him a kiss through the window just as another tear slid down my cheek.
Goodbye, Chris.
Reluctantly, he turned around and trudged back toward his front porch. Sadly, I watched him walk up the steps and out of my life.

Driving away in tears, I felt as though I had left the key to my
soul
sitting in Chris’s driveway.

The days passed slowly; it had been nearly three months. I still desperately yearned for Chris, but I hadn’t heard from him. I began to give up hope that I would ever see him or speak to him again. I barely managed to make it through each day. So many things had changed since Chris left for juvie again. I avoided Trevor at all costs. He had set his sights on Eva, so he barely even looked at me anymore. The other cheerleaders managed to alienate me. Thankfully, the season had ended so we didn’t have to see each other every day at practice. They avoided me like the plague
and glared at me like I was the enemy. Everyone believed Trevor’s lies. Either that, or they were too afraid that not believing him would send them straight to the bottom of social hierarchy. I rarely got phone calls on the weekends, so I spent most of my time working on homework and studying. My parents were happy that my grades were going up. At home, I could feel the division between my mother and me. She and I had barely spoken to each other since our last argument about Chris. I had never felt so alone in my life. My depression overcame me. I numbly went through the motions of my life.