So Much More
Authors: Kim Holden
Hope your day is as awesome as you are
It hurt like hell and we named him Kai
Forgotten and discarded, that pisses me off
Your knees are attractive; it’s a shame to bloody them
Uneventful and normal, I want to be that guy
My body was busy deconstructing itself
The unwelcome invader invites new obsessions
A lovely shade of I will annihilate your soul
Sulking in the cesspool of villainy
Shedding regret like snakeskin
Sometimes a blessing is disguised as despair
Compressed wood pulp and bad intention
French onion dip and damage control compost
Time yields results, even against the defiant
I want to tear my pages out and run away with them
Miserably imperfect saccharin happiness
I wouldn’t wipe my ass with your distorted perspective
Sick and tired of feeling the ugliness
You don’t get a medal for trying
Were you sent straight from hell to destroy my life
What an unbelievably beautiful circumstance to be in
Miranda's Motherfucking Monkey Bread
Published by Do Epic, LLC
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locale is entirely coincidental.
So Much More Copyright © 2016
ISBN (Kindle): 978-0-9911402-6-8
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages for review purposes only.
Cover photography by Andi Hando
Cover design by Brandon Hando
Editing by Amy Donnelly at Alchemy and Words and Monica Stockbridge
Interior design by Amy Donnelly at Alchemy and Words
Early praise for So Much More
“The story has interwoven layers of emotion that you can’t help but feel deep in your heart as you read, and complex character development that can make you go from hating a character to hoping for their redemption in the breadth of just a few chapters. You’ll feel everything: love, hate, joy, anger, pain, healing… This book is intricately crafted and rich in detail; an emotionally intelligent story.” –Aestas Book Blog
“I felt like I was inside Seamus and Miranda’s heads, hearing the things we never say out loud to a spouse.” –
Renée
Carlino,
USA Today
bestselling author
“Kim intricately entwines words to create beautifully fragile, yet resilient, souls…each needing to be loved. And I love them all.” –Rebecca Donovan,
USA Today
bestselling author of The Breathing Series
Other books by Kim Holden
All of It
Bright Side
Gus
Dedication
B.,
We.
What an unbelievably beautiful circumstance to be in.
You’ve always been my so much more.
I love you.
Mom,
Brave.
That’s you.
For thirty-six years you’ve fought Multiple Sclerosis with badass grace.
I love you.
Prologue
Love explained…or denied
Ask one hundred people to explain love.
And you’ll get one hundred different answers.
Because love is like art, it’s subjective.
Fluid.
Ever-changing.
Evolving.
Case in point…
Love isn’t real.
It’s make believe, like Santa Claus or Vegas. All sparkle and fluff, until you look closely, and it’s just a sham under the guise of overinflated, wish-granting potential.
Only fools believe in love.
And I am no fool.
Love is strange. It comes out of nowhere. There’s no logic to it. It’s not methodical. It’s not scientific. It’s pure emotion and passion. And emotion and passion can be dangerous because they fuel love…and hate.
I’m now a reluctant connoisseur of both—an expert through immersion. I know them intimately.
When I fell in love with Miranda, it was swift and blind. We were both young. She was smart, beautiful, witty, and elusive. Rumors surrounded her like a legend that’s repeated in hushed whispers for generations based on hearsay and speculation. People said she was cruel, I saw strong willed. People said she was aloof, I saw independent. People said she was cunning, I saw goal-oriented. For every warning I was given, I put on rose-colored glasses and looked at her through my own warped, but discriminating, perspective. That is perhaps my biggest flaw, as well as my saving grace; I tend to only see the best in people. I had visions of grandeur. I didn’t want to change her—I didn’t think she needed changing. She was the person I’d elevated to mythical status in my head, in my dreams.
Here’s the thing about dreams, they’re smoke. They’re spun as thoughts until they become something we think we want. Something we think we need. That was Miranda. She was smoke. I thought I wanted her. I thought I needed her. Over time reality crept in and slowly dissected and disemboweled my dreams like a predator, leaving behind a rotting carcass.
Reality can be a fierce bitch.
So can Miranda.
And I can be a fool...
who believes in dreams.
And people.
And love.
There are a lot of things I’ve done without during my twenty-two years. You can’t miss what you never had, right? That holds true for everything in my life, except one. Love.
I miss it, even though we’ve never met.
It’s not something I’ve idealized into unobtainable perfection. Humans are messy and I’m sure love is too.
I think love is instinct driven, with the heart ruling over mind. It can’t be defined. I’ll just know it when I feel it, because it will be so bone-jarringly beautiful.
I want that someday, bone-jarringly beautiful.
Get out of hell free card
