So Much to Learn (48 page)

This seemed to
break the spell he'd momentarily fallen under and he whirled
angrily back round to face me. "I don't want to hear it," he
hissed. "Didn’t I make that plain enough? Give me my bloody keys
and sod off."

I put my hand
holding his keys and wallet behind my back and persisted with, "But
Jack and I, we-"

Hearing Jack's name seemed to spur my brother onto new levels
of anger and he said, so menacingly I shivered, "Don't try and
defend him. He knew about your problems with touching, he
fucking
knew
but
he went ahead and did it, did
you
, anyway. Don't you dare try and
pretend that this is somehow not his fault because I have had
enough bloody lies thrown in my face today."

"But it
wasn't-" My last desperate attempt to get him to listen to me
failed as he grabbed me by the shoulder, pulled me forward and
effortlessly plucked his keys and wallet from my hand.

"Enough." His
tone brooked no argument. "Go back inside and tell Jack to pack up
his things. I'm going to be away from here for a couple of days and
when I come back I don't want there to be any sign of him in the
flat, understand me?"

"You can't do
that!" I protested, pulling at his arm as he turned away to unlock
his car.

He pulled his
arm away from me effortlessly and climbed into the car before
looking up at me. "He can take his rent money back, I don't care,
just make sure he's gone."

"Are you going to Tommo's?" I asked before he slammed the car
door, I wanted him to at least be somewhere I knew with someone I
trusted to look after him. But he shook his head and when I asked
him where he
was
going he wouldn't tell me, he just pushed me out of the way of
the door and shut it quickly before starting the engine and roaring
off. I stood there for a moment in the cloud of exhaust fumes and
wondered how I was ever going to make him see that the whole thing
was my fault.
Mine
!

I couldn't
stand there long, however, Jack was still up in the flat and I had
to make sure he was alright. Releasing a long sigh I turned and
headed back for the building, thinking as I did so that with all
the running up and down of those bloody steps the only consolation
of this whole big mess was that I was probably getting fit.

~*~

Back up in the
flat Jack was nowhere to be seen in the main room, but the door to
his bedroom was open and I could see him moving about in there.
Crossing over to his doorway my stomach dropped like a stone when I
saw what he was doing.

"Jack, no," I
groaned as he stuffed another shirt into an already bulging bag.
Another full backpack sat ready for departure on his bed and for a
moment I contemplated going over to it and emptying it onto the
floor to delay him leaving, but I knew it was useless.

He looked up
and tried to give me a reassuring smile, but it was tainted and
didn’t make me feel better at all. My breath hitched as I saw the
dark red mark, already leaning towards purple, across his jaw and I
knew that the one on his stomach would be even worse.

"I've got to
go, Tally," Jack was saying. "You get that, right?"

"No," I said,
stubbornly refusing to believe that throwing Jack out of his life
was going to make things any better for Matt. "I think you should
stay and help me convince him that this whole thing is down to
me."

Jack stopped
what he was doing then and looked at me very seriously. "I can't do
that. I'm done lying to him."

Why oh why wasn't anyone letting me talk about how this whole
thing had started? Jack was
there
, he knew that it was my fault
but he was still covering for me. It was infuriating.

"But it wouldn't be a lie, that's the point," I said
forcefully. "I
made
you teach me and it all spiralled from there." I was
momentarily tickled that 'spiralled' covered everything that had
happened in the last couple of months, from losing my virginity to
realising that I had properly deep romantic feelings for someone
for the first time in my life.

"Come on,
Talia, be serious." He returned to his packing, but I had the
feeling that it wasn't just because he felt it needed to get done
but rather because he didn't want to look at me. "You can't
actually think that you didn't leave me with any other choice but
to do as you asked."

"But I didn't."
What was he on about? It wasn't as if he chose to help me out…did
he? When there was no reply from Jack and as he continued to shovel
his possessions into the bag, I left the doorway and went over to
him, putting my hand hesitantly on his arm. "Jack?" I asked and he
released a deep sigh and fastened the bag before he set it aside
and looked at me seriously.

"It never even
occurred to you that on that first night I could have just
restrained you until you calmed down and then talked you out it? Or
if I'd really wanted to sort it out I could have just told Matt,
but I didn't, did I? It was my choice to do this thing with you and
I'm just as much, if not more, to blame for how things have turned
out."

Did Jack not
realise that chivalry was dead? He seemed to be the only guy in the
world who had not received that particular message.

I knew I
wouldn't be able to convince him that the blame was mine alone so I
abandoned that line of argument…for the moment. Instead I hung my
head and muttered, "I hate that he's so angry." My voice wavered
with emotion and I heard Jack sigh before he wrapped his arms
securely around me.

"Me too," he
said seriously as I rested my cheek against his shoulder, wrapping
my arms loosely around his waist and breathing his scent deeply.
Jack kissed the top of my head lightly then gave one of my pigtails
a gentle tug. "You know, it's not you he's really angry at. Give
him a couple of days and things will be as they were with you
two."

I opened my
mouth to protest, but when I thought about it, I realised he was
right. Matt would forgive me because he's never managed to stay mad
at me for long and because he clearly had decided that I was the
victim in the circumstances. But as for forgiving Jack…

It made me kind
of angry actually. What, because I'm a girl I'm not responsible for
my actions? What century are we in again?

I looked up at
him and frowned my displeasure. "I'll make him understand," I
vowed. "I'll give him some time to rant and rave, but after that
he's going to sit down and listen to me because we haven't done
anything wrong, not really. On the scale of crimes in the world two
consenting adults having sex and not telling someone is hardly up
there with genocide, is it?"

Jack smiled
slightly and then winced as it pulled at his bruised skin. "Well
the Hague would probably not be that interested in us, no. But to
Matt it was a pretty significant piece of information to exclude
him from."

His arms
tightened about me momentarily and then he pulled away, kind of
reluctantly it seemed to me, and picked up his bags. "I should go,
I don't want to piss him off anymore than I have already." He moved
past me out of his room and I whirled and followed him feeling as I
did so that it seemed like I didn't have to wait for the end of the
year when he went to England to lose him, I was losing him now.

"Where are you
going to stay?" I asked him as he pulled on his jacket.

"Tommo's. He'll
let me crash at his until semester ends, it's only a few weeks away
anyway."

I wondered then
whether Matt had known that Jack would have needed to go to Tommo's
and had deliberately not gone there so Jack would have somewhere to
go. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that
Matt was still probably looking out for Jack in his own way. Being
the stubborn boy that he is he would never admit it of course.

Never? That
word startled me and I tried to imagine life without Jack and Matt
together. The images wouldn't come, after all I didn't have many
reference points for life without them as they'd become inseparable
when I was 6. How could I even begin to comprehend it?

My horror and
confusion must have registered on my face because Jack looked
pained and murmured, "Don't look like that."

I shook my
head; I refused to pretend that this was OK with me. It hurt and I
was so bloody sick of feeling this awful. I knew that at that
moment Jack felt as if he had to choose between me and Matt and it
seemed that he was choosing me because he thought he had a duty
towards me.

Well bugger
that!

I was
not
going to continue to ruin things for the two people I cared
most about in the world. Jack was just going to have to change his
allegiance back to Matt, where it had always been before I came
along and forced him to switch.

"It's not fair that you and Matt should be screwed up like
this just for some stupid thing between you and me," I said
petulantly, feeling a little twinge in my chest as I forced myself
to pretend that my time with Jack hadn't meant anything. "The
lessons have been over for a while now and sure we've occasionally
kissed or whatever-" I reddened thinking about the day before, both
at how good it had been to feel his lips on mine and how I'd ruined
it by saying sheep, "but nothing significant. The main stuff is in
the past, in fact, if you think about it, Matt really has nothing
to be angry at you for
now
."

Jack folded his
arms a strange look crossing his face. "You think so?" He asked,
his voice a study in careful neutrality.

"Well yes," I
barged on, feeling my palms beginning to get a little bit sweaty at
the energy I was having to expend to keep an encouraging smile on
my face when all I wanted to do was snivel pathetically that I
didn't want him to go. "Like you said, he won't be cross at me for
long and when he's cooled down I'll go to him and tell him that
what happened with us was a mistake and that we both regret it and
are very sorry. Then you can back me up and then…why are you
shaking your head?" I asked crossly.

"It won't
work," Jack informed me.

"Why?" I
demanded. "Why won't it work?"

"Because-" He
sighed deeply, "I believed you when you told me back at your
parent's place that you had no regrets."

"And what does
that
mean?" I moved forwards, threading through the
overturned chairs and table and leaning back against the counter.
Something told me that when he answered it would be good to have
something solid at my back.

"Right." Jack
seemed to suddenly decide on something and the next second he
slammed his hands down on the counter on either side of me,
trapping me between his arms and leaving me squirming as I could
feel the heat from his body pulsing against me. "Look at me,
Tally."

His voice was
so commanding I did, tilting my head and gazing obediently into the
depths of his brilliant blue eyes.

"Somebody
called Matt, I don't know who and at this moment I couldn't really
give a damn. They told him that we had slept together, whoever they
were, and when he hung up Matt asked me straight out if it was
true. Now I know that I told you I would wait and face him with
you, but I had to tell him."

"I understand,"
I said quietly, and I honestly did. It seemed extraordinary to
contemplate given the circumstances but if Jack had lied to him
then, when he had asked him head on like that, things could have
been a lot worse.

"I hoped you
would." His demeanour softened for a moment but hardened again when
he continued speaking. "So anyway, he flipped and demanded to know
what had been going on behind his back."

"And what did
you tell him?" My voice was so small if he hadn't been so closely
pressed up against me I doubt he would have heard my question.

There was a
beat of silence during which my heart started beating so fast it
felt like it was going to burst right through my chest. Somehow I
knew that whatever Jack said next was going to be the last straw
needed to completely shatter any sense of normalcy left in my
life.

"I told him the
truth," Jack's voice was suddenly calm, "I told him I love
you."

I blinked.
Once. Twice. Three times.

No good, Jack
was still there, still staring at me, still perfect in every way,
and, yep, I do believe the fact still remained that he'd just told
me, albeit in a roundabout way, that he loved me.

Shit. Now
what?

"Love me?" I repeated once feeling began to gradually come
back to my face. My tongue felt heavy and I was having difficulty
getting enough oxygen into my lungs, my breaths coming in short
sharp pants. I had a crisis on my hands and I desperately had to
try and find some way to avert it, avert
him
! "But I'm horrible," was the
first thing that came into my mind and I spoke it with such a sense
of sincerity that I saw Jack smile slightly.

This was not,
however, the time for him to be indulgent of me. Not to mention too
many more of those beautiful lopsided smiles that I so adored and
my already pretty pissy courage might fail me altogether.

"I'm not joking
or fishing for compliments or anything," I rushed on, "you more
than anyone should know how selfish and irrational I am, Jack! Are
you sure there isn't someone else, someone nicer, for you to fall
in love with?"

His faint smile
was still there but I could see the understanding dawn in his eyes
that this conversation wasn’t going to be the fairytale version
he'd perhaps imagined. "Apparently not," he said dryly.