So Over It (10 page)

Until now.

He laid down his poker game. “Your mother—” He frowned, seemed to reconsider his words, and started again. “Your mother and I have never gotten along. I knew how to handle her until she was about two, but after that we never communicated well. Same for her and Leilani. Teri was always our independent girl. Your aunt Sylvie wanted us involved in every detail of her life, but not Teri. She wanted to be alone, wanted to do it herself, and begrudged us for wanting to be involved.” Papa sighed. “And maybe we were too controlling. I don’t know anymore.”

I thought of my mom, who’d erred on the side of being too hands-off. What would she have to say about this conversation? “Teri practically skipped onto the plane the day she left for college.” Papa turned to me, his eyes weary and sad. When I touched his hand, he brightened slightly. “You look so much like her. And you should understand that’s what’s so difficult for your grandma. When she sees you, she sees an opportunity for a do-over. And I think when your mother’s encouraging you to leave Kansas City, it’s because she did something very similar at your age and doesn’t want to admit it might not have been the right choice.”

Papa fixed me with a hard look. “But you’re not your mom. And you can’t be responsible for fixing what went wrong so many years ago. You need to follow the path the Lord set out for you and you alone.”

“But I don’t know what that is,” I said. “I don’t know what he wants.”

Papa frowned. “Which will take more courage? More trust? Which will grow your character? Because your character is his primary concern.”

The screen door squealed as Mom and Dad emerged from the house. “Abbie’s not out here?” Mom asked.

“Nope.” I glanced at Papa, finding him once again absorbed by his poker game, as if our conversation had never happened. “You want to come to the beach with us, Papa?” I asked.

“No thanks.” He didn’t even look up.

I caught Mom rolling her eyes at Dad. Why couldn’t Papa have said everything to Mom that he’d said to me? Why did people do that? Act like they didn’t care while inside they ached all over? Stupid pride, that’s all it was. Not wanting to admit how badly they’d been hurt. As if keeping people at bay could fix anything.

Abbie danced out the door. “He’s asleep. Let’s go.” She planted a kiss on Papa’s smooth cheek. “I gave Grammy all the instructions so you won’t have to do anything.”

“You’re an angel,” Papa said. “Have a nice time.”

As the four of us walked down the blacktop road, I realized it was the first time it’d been just us—no Owen, no one else—in a very long time. Perhaps since March.

Maybe Mom had just realized the same thing, because she said, “It’s quiet without Owen. I miss him.”

“Any more laughing?” Dad asked Abbie.

“Any
more
laughing?” I said. “Did Owen laugh?”

The three of them frowned at me. Dad said, “It must’ve happened yesterday when you were at lunch with Justin.” I gave Abbie an accusatory look. “And no one told me?”

“I didn’t think to. Sorry.”

My heart felt heavy. “I can’t believe I missed hearing him laugh the first time.”

“You should get used to it,” Abbie said, her voice flippant.

“Let’s not talk like that,” Mom said. “Let’s just enjoy our time.”

And I really tried, but Abbie’s words taunted me throughout our walk. I didn’t want to miss everything with Owen. His first bites of food, crawling, hearing his attempts to say my name. Would he even know me if I came home in August? Or would he scream and cry when Abbie left him with me, same as he did with the strangers in the church nursery?

“Are you crying?” Abbie asked.

I blinked in the glaring sunlight and found my family watching me. “I want to go home with you on Thursday.” Mom pushed her sunglasses off her face. “You
what
?” “I don’t want to miss everything.”

She frowned at this. “Skylar, you need to think this through. You don’t want to make a rash decision just because you’re scared of missing things.”

“I’m not scared of missing things, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to miss Heather’s wedding. And Abbie’s birthday.”

“I come in second?” Abbie asked.

Mom shot her a silencing look. “If anyone understands that, Skylar, it’s me. But you can’t let fears run your life.”

“But leaving home isn’t going to solve everything.” Abbie’s gaze pierced me. “Someone really smart once told me that. And she was right.”

Mom looked from me to Abbie, then back to me. “Of course it won’t
solve
everything. Who said it would?”

“Skylar thinks it will,” Abbie said. “She thinks all she needs is a new boyfriend and new friends and she’ll be good to go.”

“Shut up,” I said. “That’s not true. I really thought I was supposed to be here. Like if I came to Hawaii, God could . . .” I waved my hands. I didn’t know how to say this. “Fix me.”

“Fix you?” Dad rested a hand on my shoulder. “What’s wrong with you?”

Aaron
.

My heart thundered with the thought. Aaron?

I hadn’t allowed myself to think about him since that night at Sheridan’s, when Jodi told me he and Alexis were together now. I’d briefly worried about her safety and then focused on escaping to Hawaii, where I didn’t have anybody like Aaron or Jodi or Connor. Where nobody challenged me because nobody really knew me.

“Hawaii’s a wonderful opportunity for you,” Mom said. “This’ll be the last time in your life when you can just take off. After this, there’ll be classes or work or family. I want you to consider staying, Skylar. Think about it, okay?”

I nodded. “Okay.”

I sat on the front porch pretending to read a magazine, but really waiting for Justin to get home from work. I wanted him to talk me into staying. Somehow over at the house with the three of them, staying made sense.

Finally, about an hour later than normal, his truck struggled up the road. I made myself wait until he killed the engine, and then I danced across the street.

“Hi,” I said with a brilliant smile. “How was work?”

Justin smiled at me, but it seemed bland, as if he felt less than thrilled to see me. “I’d like to talk to you.”

“Well, good, because here I am.”

Now he didn’t smile at all. “But for how long?”

I blinked. “For how long what?”

“For how long are you here? And I want a straight answer this time.”

“Okay, what’s going on?” I asked. “Why are you acting like this?”

Justin ran a hand through his shaggy hair. “What are you doing with me, Skylar?”

More blinking. What did that even
mean
? “Well, right now I’m standing with you on your driveway feeling really confused—”

“Don’t be cute.” His eyes, which normally sparkled with friendliness, blazed. “Do you like me?”

“What? Justin, of course I like you. I—”

“I mean, do you like me, or are you just using me to kill some time? To get over someone else?”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “Where’s this coming from?”

Justin sighed and ran his hand through his hair again. “Kelli talked to your sister earlier today. I guess she wanted to hold Owen or something, I don’t know. Anyway, Abbie told Kelli you’re thinking about going home on Thursday with the rest of your family.”

I swallowed. “Okay, yeah, I’ve considered it, but—”

“You said you were praying about staying,” Justin said. As if my returning to Kansas City signaled disobedience.

“Would you let me finish a sentence?” I snapped. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, okay? I’m trying to sort stuff out. But stop yelling at me. It’s not like we were dating—”

“Of course we were! You think I take random girls out to dinner? You think I cook for just anybody?”

I took a deep breath, trying to maintain my cool. “So I guess technically we were dating, since we’d been on dates. What I meant was, I’d always talked about going home in August, and you made it clear you don’t do summer flings. I thought we were waiting to see what I decided before we agreed to anything exclusive.”

“You’re just like my ex,” Justin said. “You think you’re beautiful and can do whatever you want. You don’t care who you hurt.”

I could feel my left eye spasm, but of course Justin didn’t know to look—something I’d liked so much about him. “That’s not fair. Of course I care about hurting you. You’re my friend and—”

“We’re not
friends
, Skylar. I don’t believe in being friends with girls.”

I rolled my eyes. “What about Kelli?”

“It’s different because she’s Chase’s girlfriend. Kelli and I don’t go out for romantic dinners and then call ourselves ‘just friends.’”

“You asked me out,” I said. “Should I have said no until I figured out what my life plans were and how you figured into them?”

“If you liked me, it’d be one thing. But I’m beginning to think Kelli’s right, that you never liked me. That you were trying to get over someone else and you used me to fill space.”

“Kelli said that?”

“She said it Saturday night after you left. I told her she was just being overprotective after what happened with my last girlfriend. I told her you’re a nice girl.”

I cringed at the description. I wasn’t a nice girl, I knew that. And so had sweet, wonderful Kelli. Somehow she’d known my dirty little secret.

“Tell me what Kelli said isn’t true,” Justin said.

I opened my mouth to say the words but couldn’t. “It’s true,” I said instead. “Kelli’s right.”

Justin turned and walked away without even saying good-bye.

He left me there to clean up my shattered fantasies about starting fresh, about being a new person here. How could I have been so stupid to think it’d really be that easy? Hadn’t I learned by now that the old Skylar still followed me around like a shadow? That she pounced on every opportunity I gave her? And it didn’t matter that I’d traveled over three thousand miles from where she’d been created.

The only way I’d ever rid myself of her was to come clean. To open myself up and become so authentic, so light inside, that she had no dark refuge in which to hide.

And to do that, I had to go back.

11

“Finally,” Abbie whispered as Owen’s eyes shut. “I’m never taking him on an airplane again.”

“I’m sure he’ll get better,” I said. “And just think, if he hadn’t been screaming his head off, that rude guy wouldn’t have been so willing to switch seats with me.”

Abbie seemed in no mood for positive thinking. She reclined her seat and continued patting Owen’s back. “I’m so exhausted. Who thought taking the red-eye back home was a good idea? Like what I really need is to lose more sleep.”

“Then go to sleep.”

She gave me a cross look. “I can’t just go to sleep. I’ll drop him.”

“Then give him to me. I’m not tired.”

“But you will be in, like, an hour. And then you’ll drop him.”

“I won’t drop him.”

She sighed. “No. He’s my responsibility. I’ll take care of him.”

“Stop being cranky and hand him over. If I get too tired, I promise I’ll wake you up.”

Abbie must have been tired. On a normal day, she’d have gone ten more rounds with me, but she handed over Owen and curled onto her side as best she could. Instead of closing her eyes, she reached out and stroked Owen’s mound of hair. “I’m always hopeful for a break, but then I feel guilty when I get one.”

“Well, stop. Just get some sleep.”

She sighed and closed her eyes. Despite her awkward positioning, she fell asleep within the minute.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. My mind buzzed with thoughts of returning home. Of everything I’d be facing. Like Connor.

I grimaced. I didn’t want to think about Connor. I’d think about Owen instead. His long eyelashes and plump cheeks. The way he sucked his thumb even during sleep. The way he brought out the best and worst in all of us.

Across the aisle, Mom had leaned into Dad’s shoulder, and then he’d leaned his head against hers. They both appeared sound asleep, and it brought a smile to my face. How could Grammy not encourage my mom in her marriage? How could she say things like Dad would hurt her again, and use it as an argument for ending the relationship? Okay, so maybe I’d had kinda similar thoughts about Connor and me, but that was totally different.

Ugh. Okay, it wasn’t different at all. It was the exact same lousy reasoning.

I didn’t want to forgive him. I didn’t want to figure out how to trust him. I wanted to harbor my grudge and find a new guy who’d never even seen Jodi. Was that too much to ask?

I thought of Monday, when Justin and I had dissolved after a mere weekend of a relationship. No matter what he thought, I hadn’t
just
been using him. He’d seemed like a nice guy, and I’d liked him. I’d seen possibilities in him. And how quickly his flaws had shown.

But every guy had flaws. It came down to which flaws I could deal with and which I couldn’t. Being a super nice guy who wanted to help everyone and sometimes became vulnerable prey for beautiful girls? Maybe that was something I could get over.

I frowned. Of course, I hadn’t talked to Connor since he left me those messages about me being over him and moving on and all that. And Lisa had commented on a “vibe” or whatever between him and Jodi. Maybe I was too late. But I wasn’t going back to Kansas for Connor. I was going back for me. For healing. For character.