Some Came Desperate: A Love Saga (12 page)

        “Come on and sit down.  I’m just making breakfast.  Omelets.”

        It was tempting.  Just to see her majestic, guileless face a little longer made it incredibly tempting.  But he knew he needed to end this little charade right now, before he really hurt her.  “Can’t stay for breakfast, Simone,” he said, standing erect again, “I’m already behind schedule as it is.  Sorry.”

        The look of disappointment that suddenly crossed her face was painful for him to watch, so he quickly looked away.

        “Not even for toast and coffee?”

        “No, sorry,” he said as he began moving, heading for the living room, knowing that he’d kick his own behind if he used the word ‘sorry’ again.

        “I thought you’d want something to eat,” she said, following him, wondering why was she pressing so hard.  “Neither one of us had dinner last night.  You’ll make me seem like a really ungrateful host if you just left.”

        “Not at all,” he said, grabbing the suit coat that he had taken off, at some point, last night.  “Just that I’m—”

        “I know.  You’re a busy man.”

        “I’ve got to be in court later this morning.  I need to do some prep work.”  His first lie to her - he had assistants to do his prep work, a boatload of them.  But it would be only one lie of many lies he would undoubtedly tell her, if he didn’t end it now.

        He grabbed his cigarette case from the table and placed it inside the pocket of his suit coat, a coat he could tell Simone admired by the way she stared at the Italian silk fabric.  He looked down, at the shorts and well-worn halter top that she had on, clothes barely a step below what she normally wore.  He suddenly had an urge to give her money to buy some clothes, and to move her out of this box of an apartment she was living in.  And make her his - what?  Wife?  Impossible.  Whore, more like it.  Which, for him anyway, wasn’t about to happen, either.  He headed for the door.

        “Maybe I could cook you dinner sometime,” Simone said quickly, too desperately.  Nick looked back.  “If you have a . . . free night sometime,” she added, more slowly, uncertainly.  Nick stopped right then and there, took Simone by the arm, and escorted her to the sofa.

        “What’s the matter?” she asked.

        “Sit down, Simone.”

        “What’s wrong?” she asked as she sat down.  He sat down, too, on the low table in front of the sofa, and took both her hands in his.  He could see the sudden joy that sparkled her eyes.

        “I think we need to get a few things straight,” he said and her sparkle immediately left.  He was crestfallen.  Already he was responsible for snuffing out her light.  He hated hurting her, but now was better than later.  “You’re a wonderful person.”

        Simone frowned and tried to pull her hands away, but he wouldn’t let her.  “You don’t have to go there,” she said.

        “Listen to me.  You’re a wonderful person.  Your devotion to your sister, to both your sisters, is very noble - even if you don’t think so.”

        “You don’t have to do that.”

        “I don’t have to do what?”

        “Patronize me.  Act like I’m some clueless female who don’t get it.  I got it, all right?  You don’t wanna have breakfast, lunch, or dinner with me now or ever.  You just came over here last night out of some vague sense of decency and my crying behind kept you here, again out of that sense of decency of yours, or responsibility, or whatever it was.  But it wasn’t about me.  I got it.  Trust me on that.  I’ve got a lifetime of experience on knowing that it’s never about me.”

        Nick stared into her sad, expressive eyes.  She didn’t get a thing.  “That’s not what I’m talking about, Simone.  I’m not trying to leave you, or run away from you.  I doubt if I could even if I wanted to.”  He tried to smile and she stared at him now, as he seemed hesitant all of a sudden.  And he was, not because of what he’d just said, but of what he was about to say.  He was about to come clean.  If she still wanted a relationship with him, he thought, as the feel of her small, soft hands warmed his, then they’d have one.  But she would have to fully understand the parameters up front, of what their relationship would be and, more importantly, would not be.

        “When I first met you, in the lobby at my firm, there was something about you, something very special.”  He smiled as if it was a very fond memory.  Simone smiled, too, and relaxed her hands in his.  Which wasn’t quite what he was after.  He wasn’t trying to seduce the woman.  He gently removed his hands out of hers and placed them between his knees.  “But I also knew right away,” he went on, “that you were what my father used to call a boatload of trouble.”

        Simone’s smile faded, which was exactly what he was going for.  “Trouble? 
Me
?”

        “Oh, yeah.  Big time.”

        “How am I trouble?  You mean because I have a record?  Because I’m not some uptown—”

        “Because you’re demanding, Simone.  Exacting.  Will not settle for anything less than your man’s complete and undivided attention.  Which isn’t a fault.”

        “But it’s trouble?”  Simone sounded hurt, which hurt him.

        Nick exhaled.  “It requires more than I’m able to give right now.”  Or ever, he should have added, but couldn’t.

        “I see,” Simone said, nodding.  “That’s why you didn’t call me after my birthday when I thought we had made a connection?”

        “That’s exactly why I didn’t call.  I wanted to a hundred times, believe me I did, but I knew it wouldn’t be fair to you.  Not the kind of relationship I had in mind.”

        “You mean a relationship without any kind of commitment?”

        He exhaled, but nodded.  “Yes.”

        “So what you’re saying is that I have to pay for what somebody else did?”

        Nick looked at her.  The notes were all in tune, they were in total sync.  Until now.  “Somebody else?”

        “But it’s always that way, Nick, don’t you see that?  Somebody else breaks your heart, somebody else does the damage, but the next girl has to suffer for it.  That’s always it.”

        That wasn’t it at all, Nick wanted to say.  But when she added, “at least that’s what I’ve been told,” as if her inexperience rendered her at the mercy of other people’s testimonies, he couldn’t say a thing.  He would lose her if he told her the truth, if he so much as mentioned that it wasn’t a past girlfriend that had him cautious now, but Delia.  A very present girlfriend.  An innocent like Simone wouldn’t be his lover, his “casual” affair.  Not Simone.  And, to his shock, he wasn’t going to let her be.  He wasn’t going to try to cheapen her that way.  But he couldn’t lose her, either.  Not yet. 

        “I wish there could be something more between us, Simone, but—”

        “—but you refuse to be hurt again,” she finished inaccurately for him.  “And I get where you’re coming from, don’t get me wrong.  I understand what you’re saying.  But I’m not like that, Nick.  I’ll never break your heart.  I’ll never—”

        “Simone—”

        “Over time, after you’ve had a chance–”

        He immediately grabbed her hands again.  “Simone, listen to me.  You’re a wonderful woman—”

        “Stop saying that!”  she said, snatching her hands away.   The tears were beginning to show now.  “I don’t want to be wonderful and noble and all of those pretty words.  I want to be loved, Nick.  I want somebody to love me the way—”

        Her bottom lip started quivering and she angrily wiped away tears with the back of her hand.  “I just want to be special to somebody.”

        “You will be special to somebody, Simone—”

        “Not anybody!  You.  I want to be special to you.  I’ve seen all of these guys around here, the way they hit on me as soon as their wives or girlfriends turn their backs, and I hate what I see.  I’ll never be with any of them.  But you’re different, Nick.”

        Nick immediately started shaking his head.  “No, I’m not.”

        “Yes, you are!  How many guys would have taken me home the night of my birthday and didn’t try to take advantage?  How many guys would have checked on me last night and stayed all night with me, just to be there with me, without wanting some special favors in return?  Come on now.  You
are
different, Nick.  Trust.  I know what I’m talking about.”

        The scary thing, Nick thought, was how little she did know what she was talking about.  He was no saint, not by a long shot, yet she was convinced that he was.  Part of him wanted to believe that she was right, that maybe there was something extraordinary there.  But the better part of him, the part that knew better, decided to keep it real.  “Simone, I’m no different than any—”

        “Yes, you are.  Look at you!”  She said this with a smile, a smile that caused him to smile, too.  It was hopeless.  He was not ready to let her go.

        “Whatever you understand that I am,” he continued, “I need you to understand this:  I care about you, and I have a high regard for you, but over time, no matter what you believe, that’s as far as it can go with me.  A friendship.  Nothing more.”

        Simone just sat there, unsure what to say, and Nick could tell by that look on her face, that almost whimsical,
so you say
look, that she didn’t believe him.  She’d go along with it - for now- but over time, she was convinced that he’d come around.  He’d see what a magnificent catch she was and be more than willing to give her a chance.

        “Okay,” she said, as he knew she would.  “I’ll be very proud to have you as my friend.”

        He stood, looking down at Simone a moment longer, and then began walking toward the door.  “Thanks again for coming by last night,” she said, following him.  He glanced back at her.

        “You’re okay then?”

        “I’m good now.”

        “Not just about us, Simone,” he said a little irritably, “but about that court decision?”

        “Oh that.”

        “Yes, that.”

        “I’ll be okay.  I’ll just have to hope and pray that Shay will forgive me when she turns eighteen.”

        Nick stopped and turned to her.  He couldn’t believe she was back on that again.  “Didn’t you hear anything I said to you last night?”

        “Yes, I heard it.”

        “There’s nothing to forgive, Simone.  You were fourteen years old!  How could you rescue her without getting yourself caught?  Now stop being impractical and face facts.  That girl’s life is not your fault and it’s not your responsibility.  It’s unfortunate she had to end up separated from her family, but your mother put that sequence of events in motion, not you.  You understand me?  It’s not your fault.”

        She nodded her head.  “I know it’s not.  I mean, I will know it.  It’ll take some time, that’s all.  You weren’t there, Nick.  You didn’t see how Shay’s big eyes were looking all around for me.  I was like a mother to her.  I took care of her since she was a baby.  And I wasn’t there when she needed me most.  That’s what so hard.  The fact that she never knew the truth.”

        Nick’s heart squeezed.  He placed his hand on the side of her face.  “She will, one day.  It won’t be long now.  Just a couple more years.”

        Simone nodded.  He didn’t know how long that still sounded to her.  “I know.”

        He stared at her.  Then leaned down and kissed her on the lips.  He wanted to deepen the kiss, and to throw his arms around her, but he knew it wouldn’t be wise.  He removed his mouth from hers and looked into her eyes, his breathing irregular.  “If you start feeling rotten again, Simone,” he said before he realized he was saying it, “pick up that phone and call me.  You hear me?”