Something Had to Give (12 page)

“I’m doing OK. I was calling Derrick back. Is he OK?”

“Well, he is asleep right now. I can have you call him back,” She offered.

“Could you wake him?” I realized I sounded demanding but I needed to talk to him and hear from his own mouth that he was OK.

There was silence on her end as she processed my request. “Well I know you are checking on him, but after what he has been through, I’d prefer to let him rest. I’m sure you understand.”

I heard what she was saying but it didn’t make sense. What had he been through? What was going on? By now my heart was racing and I could barely form words in my mind, let alone form them verbally. “I—I—I’m not s-s-sure what you mean. He said his grandmother was coming into town and then I don’t hear from him and now this.” I started to get frantic and had to stop talking. Breathe Cheryl. Just Breathe.

Mrs. Sims was silent. I could tell that she was also trying to figure out how I didn’t know what was going on. We were both confused. After several seconds of silence, she responded, “It is true that my mother came into town. I am just a little surprised that Derrick didn’t tell you why.”

“Can you tell me?” I desperately asked.

After a deep sigh, Mrs. Sims told me news that was the same as having someone punch me in the stomach. “I really hate to be the one to tell you this and I really think Derrick should be the one to do so. Yesterday was his first round of chemotherapy. Derrick has a brain tumor.”

I was devastated. It had to be a mistake because there was no way Derrick had cancer. Cancer in his brain at that. How could someone his age who stayed in great physical shape have cancer? It didn’t make sense that this would happen to him. He was a good person. He didn’t deserve this. My train didn’t leave to go back to Charlotte until Sunday morning but I was so distraught that Craig and Shanna drove me back that evening. I cried the whole way back home trying to figure out what I would say to Derrick and how I could stay strong for him. I had so many questions, that I didn’t know how to bring up to him without adding more stress. I knew cancer didn’t always mean death was certain, but I also knew that in more cases it did. I couldn’t think about it though. There was no way Derrick would die anytime soon. Surely God was not that cruel.

∞∞∞

It was late when we finally got to Charlotte. Daddy and Mommy were waiting up for us. They both gave me hugs and told me how sorry they were to hear about Derrick. Their words did little to console me. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep. That was definitely easier said than done, as sleep was the last thing I did that night. I tossed and turned and no matter what I did I couldn’t stop my mind from racing. I had to stop myself from calling Derrick, knowing I couldn’t call his home so late. I just wanted to know that he was OK. Thoughts of Grandpa’s battle with cancer flooded my mind, including memories of how lousy he felt after having chemotherapy. I felt helpless. I prayed that evening for Derrick. I prayed harder for him than I had ever prayed for anyone. I asked God to take the cancer away so that he wouldn’t have to have chemotherapy anymore and go back to being a normal healthy teen. When the overwhelming feeling of sadness came I didn’t fight the tears. In fact, I hoped that they would all come out so that when I went to see Derrick there would be no more to cry in front of him.

The next morning I was exhausted and was barely able to stay awake during the longest church service ever. To make matters worse, Daddy insisted I eat lunch with the family after church before going to see Derrick. In a way I felt annoyed that he was stalling, but it also dawned on me that it was also difficult for him to deal with. I had never really asked him to take me, but with Shanna and Craig having to get back to Wilmington, I just assumed he would be willing to take me. He was my rock and I needed him to be there with me. Understanding the tough spot I put him in, I gained some patience and let him take his time. We stopped at the CVS that was on the way to Derrick’s house and Mommy helped me pick out a cheesy “get well” card and bear. I was surprised that Mommy even came and while I wasn’t sure if she came for my benefit or Daddy’s, I was just glad she came to support.

We got to Derricks house and as much as I thought I had prepared myself for this visit, it hit me when we got there that I probably never could fully prepare myself. Derrick’s mother who began to tear up when I hugged her greeted us. Derrick’s father, who was military, showed no emotion as he greeted us formally with handshakes. In the living room there were several people there for Derrick, who I assumed were all family. I only recognized his grandmother and a few of his cousins that I had previously met. The mood in the house was very solemn. The boys were playing video games and everyone else chatting quietly among themselves or doing other various things. Derrick was in his room in bed watching
The Goonies
, which was his favorite movie. I stopped in the door when I saw him. I knew he wasn’t feeling well after the chemo, but I wasn’t expecting him to look so sick. I managed to smile anyway.

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

“How do I look?” Derrick responded dryly. I couldn’t remember a time that he had ever been short with me. Due to the current circumstances, I knew it was best to let it slide. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to snap at you, I’m just really tired.”

“It’s OK” I lied. I wasn’t really sure what to say to comfort him and not set him off. We sat there for several minutes in silence. Feeling awkward, I felt like I had to say something. “It’s a lot of people out there, what are you doing back here by yourself?”

“I needed some alone time. They’ve all been here all weekend feeling sorry for me and I’ve had enough of it. That’s why I didn’t tell you! I didn’t want you to feel sorry for me. It’s just a little tumor, I’ll get better soon.”

I didn’t like how he was talking to me. He was so angry and distant that I felt like I was talking to a stranger. I didn’t have the right things to say even though I wanted to say a lot. To keep from further setting him off, I opted to just stop talking. We watched the movie together only making an occasional comment. It was the most uncomfortable I had ever felt around him, yet I hated to leave him. I was able to hold it together until we got back in the car to go home. I cried the whole way home and for the rest of the day when we got home. I stayed in my room until Daddy insisted I come to dinner. For the first time I could remember we had dinner in silence. I certainly didn’t have anything to say since I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. My parents knew there really wasn’t much that could be said to make things better and didn’t even try. I went to bed right after dinner despite Daddy’s attempts to get me to watch a movie with him. I was exhausted though and knew there would be no problem falling asleep. I hoped that when I woke up it would all be bad dream.

For the next two weeks Derrick refused to take my phone calls. I felt bad that his mom had to keep coming up with excuses for him and decided to stop calling. I was past feeling sad and began to feel numb to it all. To keep my mind off things, I did anything to stay busy. When I wasn’t working, I spent time with Kristin, who I had become close friends with. I didn’t tell her the specifics about Derrick, since I knew he didn’t want a lot of people knowing that he was sick. When she asked why I wasn’t spending much time with him, I stuck to the story of him being occupied with his sick grandmother. I was pretty sure she didn’t believe a word I was saying, but being a good friend, she didn’t press the issue. Shanna called to check on me daily and though I appreciated her concern, I was relieved when she finally stopped asking if I heard from him. I had come to terms that he would come around at his own pace and that I had to be patient. It was hard though. I missed my best friend.

A few days before we were to leave for Detroit I was working a long Saturday shift. I wanted nothing more than to just go home and go to bed. In addition to being tired, my lower back hurt. I was more than annoyed when Shanna was not there to pick me up at the end of my shift. She had been home all week and would typically come inside to wait while I counted down the register. As I walked outside the mall, I noticed someone sitting on the bench outside the mall with a hat pulled down low. He had his head down and it was dark, but I could recognize that profile from anywhere. Derrick! I had to calm myself and refrain from sprinting to the bench and jumping in his arms. He greeted me with a big smile and hug. It was like nothing had been going on for the past few weeks. It was the classic “Derrick grin” I was so used to seeing and missed.

“Hey you!” He was in a surprisingly cheerful mood.

“What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I don’t know, taking a walk, enjoying the hot humid weather” He responded sarcastically. We both laughed. “I stopped by your house and Shanna said you just may need a ride home.”

“I think she’s right. Is your mom here?”

“Nah, its Saturday. She took my grandma to play bingo.”

I was confused. It would take hours to walk home and surely he didn’t expect us to ride the bus home when Shanna could come get us. “OK…well how are we going to get home then?”

“You’re in luck! I know a guy that may have just gotten a driver’s license this week and even better, just may have gotten a new car.”

“WHAT” I yelled without realizing how loud I was. I wanted to ask how that was possible given his current medical situation, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment. He seemed happy, which made me happy.

“Follow me” Derrick beamed as he took my hand. He led me to a bright orange mustang that stopped me dead in my tracks. I was speechless. “It surprised the hell out of me too when my dad surprised me with it. I thought I was lucky that they allowed me to take my driving test. I never imagined I was getting a brand new car.”

“Well what are we waiting for? You do know how to safely drive this thing right?” I teased as Derrick opened my door for me. In the passenger seat were a dozen roses and a bear that was holding a heart with the caption “missing you.”

Derrick and I took a long ride to downtown Charlotte. We talked and laughed just like old times. It was nice. It was more than nice it was amazing that for the moment, we didn’t think about Derrick being sick and enjoyed our time together. We went to eat at Mert’s Heart and Soul Restaurant, which was our favorite soul food place to eat. When we were seated, Derrick removed his hat revealing his cleanly shaved head. I didn’t want to stare and was too nervous to bring it up. He decided to address it first.

“The nurses kept telling me that I was going to lose it, so I decided I would beat the chemo to the punch.” He said with a smile. It was a forced smile so I knew it bothered him to have to do that.

“It looks nice. I mean you look good.” It was all I could think of to say. I didn’t want to make him feel worse about it so I went with the expected comment.

“Liar!”

He saw right through me and it hit me how difficult the process was going to be. I didn’t know how I would ever find the right things to say. “I wish I knew the right things to say so that you wouldn’t get mad at me.”

“I don’t think anyone can say the right thing to me. The doctors tell me that I have at most 12 months to live if the chemo doesn’t work and even though it’s their job to be brutally honest, that’s not what I want to hear. The nurses tell me that I’m a fighter and handling the chemo like a true trooper and it’s nice of them to say, but it’s not the right thing either. Then there’s my family”—Derrick’s voice began to crack and he fell silent. “Everyone wants to encourage me and tell me to stay strong and that’s not what I want to hear. What I want to hear is that the cancer is gone.”

We were both in tears when the waiter came to take our order. We managed to pull it together to place our order and as the waiter left, Derrick continued. “I’m sorry I’ve been so rude to you. It’s a lot to deal with though. It’s more than I think you should have to deal with and I understand if it’s too much.”

“I can handle it!” The fact that he thought that I would leave him because of his diagnosis was surprising to me. I figured he knew me better than that.

“For tonight, just one night maybe we can just forget about this stupid tumor that’s in my head.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me.”

For the rest of the night we didn’t mention cancer, chemo, or anything associated. We sat in the restaurant until they started turning the lights off and we realized how late it was. After leaving, we took the longest route possible for the simple fact that we didn’t want the night to end. When we got to my house, Derrick looked over at me and thanked me. I wasn’t sure why he was thanking me or what the right way to respond was. It seemed silly to thank me and I wanted to tell him, but instead, I simply smiled and responded “good night.”

I only had a few days to spend with Derrick before we left for Detroit. The day before we left I spent the whole day at the hospital while Derrick had his chemotherapy treatment. I stayed out in the waiting area since I wasn’t allowed in the actual treatment room. I stocked up on books the day before and one of the nurses would come out from time to time to tell me how he was doing. Her name was Shirley and Derrick told me she was his favorite nurse there. If she wasn’t old enough to be our grandmother, I would have been a bit jealous of how he talked about her. From the moment I met her, I instantly understood why he liked her so much. She sat with me on her lunch break like we were old friends. We shared stories about our families and she invited Derrick and me to her stables to go horseback riding.