Something Had to Give (5 page)

Grandma explained to me that Grandpa had cancer. It had started in his liver and quickly spread to other parts of his body. I wasn’t exactly sure what cancer was at that time, but I knew it was bad. It was eating grandpa up and taking its toll on Grandma as well. Her face showed sadness and fatigue, often with dark rings around her eyes. The house was no longer kept. It was appalling to see dust on the furniture, dead flowers in the front yard, and clothes piling up in the laundry room. Everything centered on his care. During the week, Grandpa would go for chemotherapy treatments. I would wait on the swing for him hoping he would feel up to joining me and talking baseball. It never happened. He was either too tired or too sick. He spent most of the time in the bed with Grandma by his side. When he would sleep, Shanna and I would often hear her crying. Shanna and I didn’t really know what to do or how to help. Shanna would do most of the cooking and we would both do our best to keep the house clean. The whole experience took a toll on us also. It was not how we imagined our summer would be. Grandpa’s health continued to get worse over the next weeks and when Mommy and Daddy arrived mid-summer, we knew it wasn’t good. Daddy was the rock for both Grandma and Mommy. He also tried his best to be there for Shanna and me. Aunt Michelle and her family arrived soon after also. The arrival of our cousins helped to keep our minds off of what was going on.

It was Fourth of July weekend when Grandpa passed away. He had been in the hospital for a few days before requesting to go home. During the last two days of his life dozens of people came by to visit and when he passed, family surrounded him. It was hard to tell who took it hardest. Grandpa had meant so much to us all. It didn’t seem real that he wouldn’t be around anymore. The day of Grandpa’s funeral was the saddest day of my life. The service was well attended by extended family, friends, and many of Grandpa’s military friends. There were flowers everywhere and it was one of the hottest days of the year. Daddy tried his best to keep it together for all of us, but he was just as devastated. Shanna held my hand as we walked up to the casket to see the body. The man in the casket didn’t look anything like our grandpa. We stood there crying for so long that we had to be ushered back to our seats. The remaining time spent in Michigan was to help Grandma adjust to living alone. Grandpa’s clothes were packed up and donated to goodwill, but his guns and model cars, Grandma refused to part with. Often in the mornings I would see her on the porch sitting in the spot grandpa would sit in. Though I was tempted to join her, I would let her have her time alone.

We left Michigan in early August. It was earlier than usual, but daddy had to get back to work. Aunt Michelle was staying with Grandma for a while and agreed to drive us to the airport. It was difficult to say goodbye to Grandma. We all cried and Daddy had to practically pull Mommy away. The ride to the airport was somber with Daddy and Aunt Michelle trying to make small talk to lighten the mood. The rest of us were silent. Mommy and Shanna stared out their windows and I leaned on Mommy’s shoulder. The flight home was pretty much the same. Daddy and Mommy sat across the aisle from Shanna and me. Mommy slept as Daddy worked on his laptop. Shanna was doing her usual, reading magazines and listening to music. After snacking on peanuts I took a chance by laying my head once again on Shanna’s shoulder and once again she allowed me to rest. As I closed my eyes I wondered what Jacob was up to and if he would be excited to see me back sooner than we expected.

When we got back home, it was close to dinnertime. It was obvious that Mommy was not yet herself since we stopped to pick up pizza on the way home. It was the first time that I could remember that we did not have a cooked meal for dinner. It was a welcomed surprise though. Domino’s pizza tasted so much better than the pizza served for school lunch. Dinner was a continuation of the somber day since no one really talked. Daddy didn’t even try to make us laugh with his lame jokes. After dinner Mommy and Shanna went to their rooms. I hung out with Daddy though. We curled up on the couch with a tub of ice cream and watched movies. Daddy woke me up some time later and told me to go to bed. I felt a sense of excitement that the next day I would be able to see Jacob. I had missed my best friend and after the ordeal in Michigan, I needed someone to make me laugh.

The next day I woke up to rain. After breakfast I wanted to grab my umbrella and head over to see Jacob, but Daddy wouldn’t allow it. I was annoyed that I had to wait. To pass time I followed Daddy around the house, watching him do random things. As we ate lunch he pointed out that it had finally stopped raining and the sun was coming out.

“Now you can go make kissy faces with your boyfriend” teased Shanna.

I figured her kindness towards me wouldn’t last for long and I was right. I tried not to let it get to me. After all, I was going to have my Jacob back. I hoped it wouldn’t be too muddy so we could sit by the creek and I could tell him about grandpa. After lunch I ran off to the bathroom to fix my hair and make sure my clothes were neat. We had been gone so long that there weren’t many options to take for a snack. I managed to find two packs of raisins and two bottles of water. I packed them in my lunch box, grabbed my umbrella just in case, and I was off.

As I rounded the corner to get to Jacob’s house, I noticed a sign was in the front yard. I thought it was odd since it looked very similar to a “For Sale” sign. Once I was in front of the driveway, I read that the sign said “For Rent,” but how could that be? How could they be renting out the house when they lived here? There was a car in the driveway but it wasn’t familiar. I stood there in a state of confusion trying to figure it all out when a lady came out the house. She noticed me pretty quickly and gave a friendly smile.

“Is there something I can help you with?”

“I-I’m looking for the Andersons. They live here.” I stammered.

“Oh, I see. The Andersons used to live here. They moved just last week due to a job transfer.”

I couldn’t even make sense of what the lady was telling me. Was this a bad dream? I heard what the lady was telling me, but she had to be mistaken.

“It all happened pretty quickly,” she continued. “They didn’t even have time to sell the house. That’s why I’m here. I’m trying to get it rented out for the time being.” After an awkward silence, she continued, “I can give you their forwarding address. I assume that you were friends with the little boy.”

She then took the time to write down the address on the notepad she was carrying and passed it to me. Somehow I was able to take the paper and stuff it in my pocket and thank her. We then said our goodbyes and as I started on my way back home, it hit me that I couldn’t go there. Everyone would ask why I was back so soon and Shanna would likely seize the moment to make fun of me. I couldn’t bear it. Instead, I made the familiar ride to the creek.

Being at the creek seemed so different being there alone. It seemed so quiet and dark. I sat on the rock that Jacob and I had sat on so many times before together and pulled the paper out my pocket. Jacob and his family had moved to Washington D.C. I wasn’t sure where that was but it just seemed like it was really far away. I was devastated to say the least. Grandpa was gone and now Jacob was gone too. With tears streaming down my face I ripped up the paper and threw the pieces into the water. I sat there by the creek for what seemed like days crying and feeling sorry for myself. As it started to rain again I was forced to make the dreaded ride home. I didn’t bother to open my umbrella. I figured if I went home wet from the rain, it would be easier to hide that I had been crying. By the time I got home it was pouring down and I was soaked, just as I expected. Mommy was finishing dinner and Daddy sent me straight to the shower. My plan worked.

By the time I got out the shower all I wanted to do was go to bed. I didn’t want to eat or talk to anyone; I just wanted to be alone. My friend was gone and I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. Who would I marry now? Who would I find that would grow up to be like Daddy, share peanut butter sandwiches with me, and watch baseball with me? Worst of all, we didn’t even get to say goodbye. I wasn’t even sure if he had gotten the picture I had drew of our wedding. Why didn’t he write me back? It was too much for me to try and figure out. As I closed my eyes, I reminded myself of all the good times I had with Grandpa before he passed. I also thought about the fun times I had with Jacob. I knew eventually things would get better, but until, they did, I was glad for my memories. I replayed them in my mind over and over until I finally drifted off to sleep.

By the time my teenage years hit, everything about me was so different from that eight-year-old kid that planned a wedding by the creek. When I turned thirteen, I was the epitome of an awkward teen. I was almost as tall as Daddy, extremely thin, and acne hit me like a freight train. It seemed like every time I looked in the mirror, a new pimple had surfaced. Shanna never missed an opportunity to make me feel worse about my awkward phase. By this time, she was close to finishing high school and had plans of attending college at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington. I think I was more excited than she was once I learned that the school was four hours away. Our relationship continued to be rocky over the years. There were times when she was supportive and thoughtful and other times when she was Shanna that hated her younger sister. I could never figure out what it was that would make her flip between the two personalities.

Shanna would find anything to tease me about. Her insults included jokes about having a “flat chest” or calling me as string bean due to my height. There were times I stood tall and traded insults with her until she backed off. However, on the days when I just didn’t have the energy or desire to go toe to toe with her, she was relentless. There was the time that we got in a silly argument over whose turn it was to clean the bathroom that we both shared. It started out with us sharing a few snide remarks and quickly escalated into a huge argument. Daddy was out of town for work so I went to Mommy and asked her to choose who should do it and she agreed that Shanna should. Feeling victorious, I went and lay on my bed grinning like the Cheshire cat. My peaceful moment was interrupted as I heard Shanna at my doorway beginning her tirade of insults. I told myself that I was going to ignore her at first, but as I laid there, her words echoed in my head and I decided I had enough. I was sick of her! As she was making her way down stairs I darted after her and got as close as possible to her letting her have it with my own parade of insults. It didn’t faze her in the least. Instead she stood there laughing. That was when I lost it. I closed my eyes started swinging wildly delivering blow after blow to her face and chest. I think she was too startled at first to defend herself allowing me to get several hits in. When she recovered she landed a single blow to my left eye that sent me back into the wall.

I’m pretty sure I saw stars that day and the pain I felt in my eye was excruciating. By this time Mommy had come out of her room and had gotten in between us. As she ushered Shanna into her room, I made my way to the bathroom to see that my eye was already turning dark and swelling up. I was so furious that I everything I looked at out of my uninjured eye was highlighted in red. As I headed to my room I heard Mommy fussing at Shanna to act like the oldest and set the example. Yeah right. I knew that was never going to happen and that it was up to me to stop her. I stood there scanning my room, looking for anything I could use as a weapon. I remembered that under my bed was a baseball bat. It had been there for years from when I briefly played when I was younger. With the bat clutched in my hand, I charged into Shanna’s room with intentions of hitting her with it until she apologized or got the hint that she wasn’t going to bully me anymore. That day Mommy was her guardian angel. As she saw me coming she positioned herself in front of me.

“No Cheryl, please don’t do it.”

The fear in her voice and tears in her eyes brought me back to reality and helped me to realize that my actions could seriously harm or kill her. As I lowered the bat and Mommy ushered me back to my room I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry. Two good things came from that experience: within a week I was at the dermatologist and Shanna stopped teasing me about my physical appearance.

Within the next few months my face started to clear up. Even though I was still tall and lanky, I gained a new confidence about myself. I wasn’t as afraid to talk to people and started making new friends. The spring of my 7
th
grade year I even joined the track team. I was pretty good at the 200m run and the relay. It felt good to be a part of a team and from this team, I met my best friend Jackie. On the first day of track practice, Jackie was sitting by herself when I sat down beside her. We were in the same English class, but had never talked to each other. She seemed pretty surprised that I had sat down beside her and started talking to her, but was friendly nonetheless. Besides Jackie and I, there were only three other 7
th
graders trying out for the team. The other three girls made it very clear that they had no intentions of socializing or making friends with us. That was fine with Jackie and me. According to Jackie, it was a group that we didn’t want to get mixed up with.

While I had my mind set on the 200m run and relay, Jackie was going to try out to run the hurdles. We were pretty much the same size, which made her argument for me to try out for hurdles as well seem pretty convincing.

“This is what we have these long legs for. We can get over these hurdles with no problem."

“I don’t know about that Jackie. I never tried hurdles and falling in front the whole school isn’t what I planned when joining the team.”

Daddy was a sprinter in both high school and college. He ran both the 200m and 400m. Shanna had also run both middle school and in high school. I really wanted to carry on this tradition. The coaches were thinking along the same lines of Jackie and encouraged me to try the 200m hurdles. I was extremely nervous as I began to work with the coaches. Jackie was also working with the hurdles coaches and I was relieved to see that her form was just as bad as mine when we started. Jackie fell numerous times and it never fazed her. She would get back up with a determination that she would get it the next time. I wanted to have that confidence, but deep down I was terrified and I kept telling myself that I was not going to be able to do it. My first attempt was as bad as I expected. I would run to the hurdle and stop before jumping. However, with each day I got a little better and began to feel more comfortable.

I thought working with the coaches was stressful, but that was nothing compared to when it came time to practice with the group. The process for choosing who would run the hurdles included all the coaches watching us run. Jackie took the opportunity to shine, as did the other girl that went before me. The last person before me was an eighth grader named Candice. This was her second year on the team and she turned out to be one of the best runners at the school. Despite breaking several school records, she was never willing to help anyone else learn proper form. Needless to say, she was very sure of herself in front of all of us who were trying out for the first time. I had watched her snicker and frown at each person that went before her. I hated that I would be the person to go behind her.

Candice took the first two hurdles with ease. It was like she had been born doing it. Something happened as she came to third hurdle. Either she got a little too confident or lost her balance, but the tip of her foot hit the hurdle causing her to trip. She hit the ground with such an emphasis that everyone outside stopped what they were doing. It took Candice several minutes to get up with the help of the coaches. She was in tears and the pain she was in was terribly evident. Seeing such a skilled hurdler fall had us all shaken up and even worse, I still hadn’t gone. My stomach was in knots, my legs felt like lead, and my mind kept replaying Candice falling. Somehow I got through it though. By the time I reached the finish line it was if I had blinked and I was done. I still had butterflies, but I was overjoyed that I didn’t fall.

The following Friday, we were to find out if we made the team and what event had been selected for us. We learned that Candice had injured her right ankle when she fell and had also hurt her shoulder from landing on it. It was expected that she would miss most, if not all of the season. Hearing about Candice’s injuries bothered me. I found it difficult to want to compete for a spot with other hurdlers. I wanted to go back to my original plan of the 200m run.

“I think I am going to tell the coaches to just consider me for the 200m run and not the hurdles anymore.” I confided in Jackie after we learned about Candice’s injuries.

“You can’t be serious Cheryl! That type of accident is like one in million. Besides, she was trying to show off. If she would’ve had more class that would have never happened”, Jackie replied. I guess she did have a point. It was obvious that Candice was trying to show off. “I think you are looking for any reason to back out and you are using this accident to help. You are really good at these hurdles. It would be a shame for you give up.”

Jackie would hear no parts of my plan to ditch the hurdles. For some reason she believed in me more than I believed in myself. I decided not to ask the coaches to take me out of consideration for the hurdles. I wish I could say I changed my mind because I believed in myself, but it was more so that I would not disappoint my friend. The night before I was to find out my fate, I couldn’t sleep to save my life. I hadn’t been able to eat dinner either.

“Do you know how many starving kids would love to have that dinner plate?” Daddy asked playfully. He knew how much the situation had been stressing me out and had an encouraging word for each day after practice.

“I’ve never known anyone to try out for an event they were scared to do,” remarked Shanna. I wanted to keep my fear of the hurdles from her, but she had managed to pick up on what was going on fairly quickly. “Why don’t you just run the 200m like me and daddy?”

It was hard to determine if Shanna was actually giving me heartfelt advice or criticizing me for trying something new. She still threw snide remarks at me from time to time, but had backed off considerably since our huge fight. I had to consider that she was right though. She made me think that maybe I should just stick to what felt comfortable despite what the coaches and Jackie thought. The track meets were heavily attended events after school. As much as I would have liked to believe that it was simply a time to converse with friends after school, I knew that there were many people who did come to actually watch the events. I had to force the little bit of dinner that I did eat until finally everyone got tired of waiting on me to finish and my food got cold. We were clearing off the table when Mommy hung back behind Daddy and Shanna.

“You know I admire you for trying something that seems scary to you. You grandfather would be proud.” Her words completely caught me off guard to the point that all I could do was smile and fight back tears. After all she was right. Grandpa would be proud of me conquering my fears. From that moment, it was settled. I wouldn’t allow myself to be afraid anymore.

The list for track events would be posted at 12pm on the gym door. Jackie was surprised at how much I had relaxed. I had been stressing over my decision so much that it felt like a load had been lifted off of me. I had received words of encouragement from so many people, but none had the effect that Mommy’s had. Maybe I would get chosen for the hurdles or maybe I would be chosen for the 200m. Either way I had decided that it was going to be OK. Jackie and I decided we would meet up after third period to check the list together. Those 50 minutes of History seemed like the longest of my life. While I did not feel nervous, I did feel anxious and impatient. I just wanted to know. When the bell rang and I made my way to the hall to wait on Jackie, I could feel my legs shaking. Anxiety turned to nervousness and I had to keep telling myself to just breathe. As Jackie and I made our way to the list hanging on the gym door we passed several people who had tried out for the team. Some had smiles, others frowns, and some tears. Finally, we got the list and I felt like my name was listed in bold print so I could easily find it. I had been chosen for the 200m hurdles and 200m relay. Jackie was on hurdles on well. We made it!

Jackie and I were on cloud nine. We were two of just three seventh graders to make the team and the only two running hurdles. There was pressure for us to perform with the older teammates, but with Candice gone, they seemed much more willing to take us under their wing. We both became really good at the hurdles. By the end of our first season on the team it was really surprising to me how much we had grown. Most importantly, we had both managed to make it through the season without falling on the hurdles. Additionally, the relay team had won several heats just missing the state qualifications. My parents came to every track meet and there were times I would see Shanna cheering us on from the bleachers. The best part of being on the team was making them proud, even if Shanna wouldn’t admit it. Jackie and I remained on the team through our eighth grade year. It felt different my second year on the team. I understood Candice’s cockiness toward us the year before. Not that it was right to feel that way, but to an extent, I believed that we had earned our stripes and there was no way the younger girls were going to show us up. We were able to take a better approach than Candice had though and embraced the younger girls. It was a really great feeling to work together as a team rather than working against them. The first year was filled with so much excitement from the unknown, but the second year was so different. The second year was so much more relaxing and enjoyable. I enjoyed so much that I found myself wanting to coach track when I got older. My desire to coach didn’t exactly match up with my plan to teach elementary school, but it I wasn’t ready to let it go that easily.

∞∞∞

My eighth grade year was when I started to notice boys. I wasn’t so sure they noticed me though. If I had to guess, I would think they went for the girls that were more developed and weren’t taller than them. Derrick was the first boy that I had my first official crush on. He had a major growth spurt the summer before our eighth grade year and was no longer the short goofy nerd he was the previous year. We had three classes together that year, but it wasn’t until we were both on the track team that we actually talked to each other. Jackie was the only person who knew that I had a crush on Derrick and was very pushy on me asking for his phone number. The thought alone almost gave me a panic attack. Derrick didn’t seem to really look at me “like that.” It always seemed to be casual conversation between us and I didn’t want to make things awkward between us if he wasn’t interested. Mostly, I was afraid of rejection. I overheard Shanna and her friends on numerous occasions saying that girls should never ask a guy out. It made them look desperate. I wasn’t sure who I should listen to: Shanna or Jackie?