Something Like Winter (24 page)

“
I do,” Eric said firmly.
Then his cheeks grew red. “Most of the time. Maybe I’m kidding
myself. I mean, I still carry his photo around with me.”

“
Really? Let me
see!”

Eric shook his head
ruefully and pulled out his wallet. In the plastic envelop that
people usually stuffed with pictures of their kids was a black and
white photo folded at the bottom. Eric handed it to Tim, and he
discovered it was from one of those novelty photo booths. Unfolding
the strip of photos, he saw the same two faces repeating. Eric’s
hair was darker, his face tighter. Next to him was a handsome black
man with a pencil-thin mustache. Their expressions changed slightly
from each photo, all of them happy, except in one where Eric
appeared slightly surprised. Tim wondered if that’s the way he
looked when finding out about Gabriel’s new lover.

“
You guys made a cute
couple,” he said, handing back the photos.

“
Thank you.” Eric carefully
folded the strip and returned it to his wallet. “Even though the
relationship ended on a sour note, I don’t regret a thing. Do
you?”

“
You mean Ben? Absolutely
not. Best thing that ever happened to me.”

Their empty appetizer
plates were replaced by an entrée. Tim was happy to see this wasn’t
so dainty. A drumstick sat on one side of the plate, poultry of
some sort but too big to be chicken. Something like mashed
potatoes—which Eric soon identified as a parsnip and truffle
purée—accompanied by a side salad with so many ingredients that Tim
didn’t think any of them were repeated twice.

“
So,” Eric said between
bites, “do you carry a photo of Ben in your wallet?”

Tim snorted. “Are you
kidding? I was way too careful to have something like that. I don’t
have a single photo of him anywhere.” He frowned at his plate. “I
kind of regret that. His face gets a little fuzzier in my mind
every year that goes by. Sometimes I worry I’ll forget it
completely.”

“
You won’t,” Eric said.
“You may not remember every detail, but most of it stays with you.
Have you ever tried looking him up?”

“
No.” Tim shook his head.
“What if I found him? Nothing has changed, at least not for me, so
I wouldn’t have anything to offer.”

“
Nothing’s stopping you
from coming out,” Eric said carefully. “You aren’t living with your
parents anymore.”

Oh, yes. Eric had quite a
few things in common with Ben. Tim sunk his teeth into the
drumstick. Goose, he guessed as his mouth came alive with heavenly
seasonings. How could he ever return to eating normal food again?
“It’s not my parents I worry about. At least not as much as I used
to.”

“
The
fraternity?”

“
Yeah.”

Eric cocked his head.
“Which you joined because—”

“
Because my dad offered me
five hundred bucks if I got in.”

Eric smiled. “I’ll give you
a thousand if you leave.”

Tim laughed. “I don’t want
your money. How is the topic back on me again? Tell me about you.
When did you come out?”

“
Ages ago. And just
yesterday to you. Coming out is something you never stop doing. You
start by telling your friends and family. Then you tell new
acquaintances or coworkers who invite you out for a drink. Even the
telemarketers who call and ask if my wife is home. You don’t have
to tell everyone you meet, of course, but coming out is something
that accompanies your entire life.” Eric carefully cut the meat off
the bone with his fork and knife. “I’ve known I was gay since I was
fifteen. I told my best friend that same year, and have been coming
out ever since. When did you first know?”

“
That I was gay?” Tim’s
laugh was hollow. “The very moment I broke up with Ben.”

Eric raised an eyebrow.
“You didn’t know all those times you slept together?”

“
Well, I wondered, but Ben
was always going on about how straight guys experiment and stay
straight, but what really makes a person gay is who they love.” Tim
took a swig of champagne. “When we broke up, it hurt bad enough
that I knew it had to be love.”

Silence followed this
statement, and Tim knew the question Eric wasn’t asking. Once he
realized it was love, why didn’t he go back? Tim was glad for the
silence because he wasn’t proud of the answer.

“
I think Ben has it
half-right,” Eric said eventually. “Who we love is definitely a
strong indicator of our preference, but by no means a definitive
answer. Have you heard of the Kinsey scale?”

Tim shook his
head.

“
Basically you choose a
number from zero to six. Zero means you’re straight. Six means
you’re gay. All the numbers in between are the varying degrees. A
number one might be a straight guy who experimented as a horny
teenager or got a little too drunk one night. Likewise, a five
would be someone who mostly identifies as gay, but might have given
girls a try while figuring that out. A three, right down the
middle, is what we call bisexual.”

Tim mulled that over,
wishing he could have more champagne, but his head was already a
little light and he still had to drive them home. “I would be a
four, I guess. Honestly, there are probably more girls who catch my
eye than guys, but I never connect with them
emotionally.”

“
Fair enough.” Eric moved
his plate aside, the food half-eaten. “I suppose I would be a five.
I had a girlfriend once, and I enjoyed sex with her. But once I
discovered guys, I never looked back.”

“
Then why don’t we call
ourselves bisexual?” Tim asked, eyeing Eric’s leftovers. When Eric
gestured he should help himself, Tim nearly tackled the
food.

“
I suppose it’s easier to
simply say you’re gay, especially if you plan on mostly being with
guys. Otherwise there’s a lot of explaining to do, or the
misconception that bisexuals need to be with both genders to be
satisfied. Personally I don’t believe anyone is completely gay or
straight. There’s always an exception to the rule, be it the right
person or the right situation. In the future, I doubt we’ll use any
of these terms at all.”

“
Nhr-mrr?” Tim asked with a
mouth full of goose.

“
Never. You’ll simply ask
out the person you’re interested in, and they’ll say yes or no.
Preferring guys won’t be any more controversial than favoring
blonde hair or dark skin. We already use the right term when we say
sexual preference, but for now people treat it like an identity.”
Eric sipped at his water. “Of course, that’s only if gay people
still exist by then.”

“
Huh?”

Eric chuckled, as if
embarrassed. “It’s all this genetic research. What if they find a
gene that controls sexual orientation? If parents are allowed to
genetically design their children—which seems inevitable—then of
course they’ll want children who can give them
grandchildren.”

“
How is that inevitable?
Won’t people say it’s—I don’t know—immoral?”

“
Ah, but what a slippery
slope! Imagine a pre-birth health scan that checks for diseases and
corrects potential defects. If infertility is among them, couldn’t
a preference for the same sex be grouped in with that?
Then—boop!—the doctor flips a switch and the kid comes out straight
as an arrow.”

Tim blinked. “You’re
freaking me out.”

Eric laughed. “If it makes
you feel better, I think we’ll be okay as long as technology
doesn’t develop faster than human rights.”

“
And you made all your
money from technology,” Tim said with exaggerated disapproval.
“You’re to blame for the future being heterosexual.”

“
My money is also about to
buy a dessert that will blow your mind. How does that
sound?”

Mother-fucking
glorious!

Tim managed to contain this
reaction and civilly nod his approval. The sugar-laced dessert and
a coffee made Tim sober enough to drive Eric home. Dropping him off
seemed too cold, especially since dinner had been so expensive.
Eric did his best to hide the bill, but Tim saw the triple digits.
So he walked Eric to his door, which made it feel like a
date.

“
Thank you for a wonderful
evening,” Tim said.

Eric turned and smiled.
“Believe me, the pleasure was all mine. There’s nothing more
valuable in life than companionship.”

Hokey but true, and
something Tim had learned the hard way. “I was scared,” he blurted
out. “That’s why I never went back to Ben. I was too afraid of what
everyone would think. And that he wouldn’t want me
anymore.”

Eric considered him, house
keys in hand. “The more we love, the more we fear. Rejection, or
what others might think, these are just the beginning. In a
perfectly happy relationship, we fear losing the other person to
disease or chance.”

“
Or letting the other
person down. Or them realizing that you aren’t good enough.” Tim
laughed. “Fear and I are old friends. I could stand here all night
listing off its different guises. Ben only made it through my
barriers because of those first few weeks we spent together. I
wasn’t in school and my parents were away, so I felt safe. If only
I could do the same for Travis.”

“
Why don’t you take him on
a trip?”

Tim paused, surprised by
the simplicity of the idea. “Maybe I should on the next break. I
don’t have any money, though.”

“
I can—”

“
No!” Tim said, not wanting
Eric to think he liked him for that. No doubt countless people had
hit him up for cash over the years. Tim was determined not to be
one of them, although that’s exactly what he’d done the first time
they met. “I appreciate the offer, but I’ll get a job or something.
Really.”

Eric’s response was cut off
by a coughing fit. He waved at Tim when asked if he was okay, like
he should simply leave. “Just an old smoker’s cough,” Eric
insisted. “I need to get inside and have a drink.”

“
Okay. Thanks again for
dinner!”

Tim walked back to his car,
thinking about Eric’s idea. A trip somewhere with Travis could be
just the thing. A place for the two of them, far away from it all,
where Tim could show Travis the potential they had
together.

Chapter Fifteen

Wind picked up, sending
orange and yellow leaves—still moist from the recent change in
weather—swooping to the ground. With just a few weeks until
December, winter should be asserting its hold, but that never
seemed to happen in Texas. Most of Tim’s classmates were already
bundled up and shivering, but the weather seemed mild compared to
Kansas winters. Tim sat on the porch steps leading to the frat
house, wearing an old pair of jeans and a long-sleeved shirt, while
pushing buttons on his cell phone.

He could never get a strong
signal inside the house, but he didn’t mind going outside since it
afforded him more privacy. Tim checked the time before making the
call. Monday mornings were always the best for calling home. His
father would be at the office, but his mother always needed time to
ease back into her work week. “People say Friday night is part of
the weekend,” she would say. “Why can’t Monday morning be as
well?”

Tim greeted a frat brother
heading out for an early morning jog and considered skipping class
to do the same after the call. He pushed the send button and
counted the number of rings before the phone was picked up. This
time it was four.

“
Hello?”

“
Hey, Mom.”

“
¡Gordito!
How are you doing?”

“
Fine. Heading out to class
soon.”

“
I was just about to get to
work,” his mother said with a yawn, but he knew she would make
excuses until after lunch. “What have you been doing lately? Have
you met a girl?”

Her favorite question.
“Yeah, too many. I don’t know how I’m supposed to
choose.”

His mother laughed. “With
your heart,
Gordito.
You’ll settle down when the right one comes along.”

That one had already come
and gone, as far as Tim was concerned, but Travis had potential. He
was no Ben, but then who was? He changed the topic, like he always
did. Besides, he had a reason for calling. “Thanksgiving is this
weekend.”

“
Yes. Did I tell you that
your Aunt Emily is coming down? She’s had a terrible time with the
divorce, but met someone new she’s bringing along.”

“
Really?” A family
Thanksgiving was rarer than rare, even when they still lived in
Kansas. Usually his parents would go to a friend’s house for
cocktails or something adult-ish, but with Aunt Emily there, maybe
this year would be different. “I wouldn’t mind seeing Emily again,”
he hinted.

“
Oh, well, she’s only down
for the weekend, and I’m making your father drive us down the coast
to Matamoros. Emily still hasn’t seen Mexico, so I’m taking her
across the border.”

“
Sounds fun,” Tim tried,
but he already felt a pit in his stomach.

“
What are you going to do?
Eat with some friends? Should I send you some money so you can all
go out?”