Sophie's Choice (31 page)

prelude to something more intimate. But perhaps it had been; he was now voicing his complaint as if he had known her for years. He struck his hand into his fist. "I can't think what they imagine I've done wrong. Those people in Berlin, they're impossible. They ask the superhuman from a mere human who has only done the best he has known how for three years. They're unreasonable! They don't know what it's like to put up with contractors who can't fulfill their schedules, lazy middlemen, suppliers who fall behind or simply never deliver. They've never dealt with idiot Poles! I've done my faithful best and this is the thanks I get. This pretense--that it's a promotion! I get kicked upstairs to Oranienburg and I have to endure the intolerable embarrassment of seeing them put Liebehenschel in my place-- Liebehenschel, that insufferable egotist with his bloated reputation for efficiency. The whole thing, it's sickening. There's not the slightest bit of gratitude left." It was strange: there was more petulance in his voice than true anger or resentment. Sophie rose from her chair and drew near him. She sensed another aperture chinking open ever so slightly. "Excuse me, sir," she said, "and forgive me for suggesting this if I am mistaken. But it may be a tribute to you instead. It may be that they fully understand your difficulties, your hardships, and how exhausted you have been made by your work. Forgive me again, but during these few days here in the office I could not help but notice the extraordinary strain you are constantly under, the amazing pressure..." How careful was her obsequious solicitude. She heard her voice trail off but meanwhile kept her eyes fixed on the back of his neck. "It may be that this is really in the nature of a reward for all your... your devotion." She fell silent and followed Höss's gaze to the field below. On the capriciously changing wind the smoke from Birkenau had blown off and away, at least momentarily, and in the clear sunlight the great glorious white stallion romped again around the fenced rim of the paddock, tossing tail and mane in a small windstorm of dust. Even through the window they could hear the thudding collision of his galloping hoofs. From the Commandant's throat came an aspirated whistle of air; he fumbled at his pocket for another cigarette. "I wish you were right," he said, "but I doubt it. If they just understood the magnitude, the complexity! They seem to have no knowledge of the incredible numbers involved in these Special Actions. The endless multitudes! These Jews, they come on and on from all the countries of Europe, countless thousands, millions, like the herring in the spring that swarm into Mecklenburg Bay. I never dreamed the earth contained so many of das Erwählte Volk." The Chosen People. His use of the phrase allowed her to press her initiative a little further, enlarging the opening where she was confident now she had secured a fragile but real hold. "Das Erwählte Volk--" her voice was edged with scorn as she echoed the Commandant--"the Chosen People, if you'll permit me to say so, sir, may only at last be paying the just price for having arrogantly set themselves apart from the rest of the human race--for having posed as the only people worthy of salvation. I honestly do not see how they could expect to escape retribution when they have committed such a blasphemy for so many years in the sight of Christians." (Suddenly the image of her father loomed, monstrous.) With anxiety she hesitated, then resumed, spinning out another of her lies, impelled forward like a splinter bobbingly afloat upon a rushing stream of fabrication and falsehood. "I am no longer Christian. Like you, sir, I have abandoned that pathetic faith with its pretexts and evasions. Yet it is easy to see why the Jews have inspired such hatred in Christians as well as in people like yourself--Gottgläubiger, as you said to me just this morning--righteous and idealistic people who are only striving for a new order, in a new world. Jews have threatened this order, and it is only just now that they finally suffer for it. Good riddance, I say." He still remained standing with his back to her when he replied evenly, "You speak with a great deal of feeling in this matter. For a woman, you talk like one who has a certain amount of knowledge of the crimes of which Jews are capable. I'm curious about this. So few women have any informed knowledge or understanding about anything." "Yes, but I do, sir!" she said, watching him swivel his shoulders ever so slightly and look at her--now for the first time--with truly attentive concern. "I have had personal knowledge, also personal experience--" "Such as what?" Impetuously then--she knew it was a risk, a gamble--she bent down and fumblingly plucked the worn and faded pamphlet from the little crevice in her boot. "There!" she said, flourishing it in front of him, spreading out the title page. "I've kept this against the rules, I know I've taken a chance. But I want you to know that these few pages represent everything I stand for. I know from working with you that the 'final solution' has been a secret. But this is one of the earliest Polish documents suggesting a 'final solution' to the Jewish problem. I collaborated with my father--whom I mentioned to you before--in writing it. Naturally, I don't expect you to read it in detail, filled with so many new worries and concerns as you are. But I do earnestly beg you to at least consider it... I know my difficulties are of no importance to you. .. but if you could only give it a glance... perhaps you could begin to see the entire injustice of my imprisonment here... I could also tell you more about my work in Warsaw on behalf of the Reich, when I revealed the hiding place of a number of Jews, intellectual Jews who had long been sought..." She had begun to babble a bit; there was a disconnected quality in her speech which warned her to stop, and she did. She prayed that she would not become unstrung. Sweltering beneath her prisoner's smock with the sweat of mingled hope and trepidation, she was aware that she had made a breach in his consciousness at last, implanted herself as fleshed reality within the scope of his perception. However imperfectly and momentarily, she had made contact; this she could tell by the look of absolute concentrated penetration he gave her when he took the pamphlet from between her fingers. Self-conscious, coquettish, she averted her eyes. And in fatuous recollection a Galician peasants' saying came back to her: I am crawling into his ear. "You maintain, then," he said, "that you are innocent." There was a distant amiability in his tone that filled her with encouragement. "Sir, to repeat," she answered quickly, "I freely admit my guilt of the minor charge which caused me to be sent here--the business about the little piece of meat. I am only asking that this misdemeanor be weighed against my record not only as a Polish sympathizer with National Socialism but as an active and involved campaigner in the sacred war against Jews and Jewry. That pamphlet in your hand, mein Kommandant, can easily be authenticated and will prove my point. I implore you--you who have the power to give clemency and freedom--to reconsider my imprisonment in the light of my past good works, and to return me to my life in Warsaw. It is such a little thing to ask of you, a fine and just man who possesses the power of mercy." Lotte had told Sophie that Höss was vulnerable to flattery, but she wondered now if she hadn't overdone it-especially when she saw his eyes narrowing slightly and heard him say, "I'm curious about your passion. Your rage. Just what is it that causes you to hate Jews with such... such intensity?" This story, too, she had squirreled away for such a moment, relying on the theory that while a pragmatic mind like that of Höss might appreciate the venom of the Antisemitismus in the abstract, that same mind's more primitive side would likely relish a touch of melodrama. "That document there, sir, contains my philosophical reasons--the ones I developed with my father at the university in Cracow. I want to emphasize that we would have expressed our enmity toward Jews even if our family had not suffered a terrible calamity." Impassively Höss smoked and waited for her to continue. "The sexual profligacy of Jews is well known, one of their ugliest traits. My father, before he met an unfortunate accident... my father was a great admirer of Julius Streicher for this reason--he applauded the way in which Herr Streicher has satirized so instructively this degenerate trait in the Jewish character. And our family had a cruel reason to be able to accept the truth of Herr Streicher's insights." She stopped and glanced as if in wretched remembrance toward the floor. "I had a younger sister who went to the convent school in Cracow, she was just a grade behind my own. One evening about ten winters ago she was walking near the ghetto and was sexually assaulted by a Jew--it turned out that he was a butcher--who dragged her into an alley and ravished her repeatedly. Physically, my sister survived the attack by this Jew, but mentally she was destroyed. Two years later she committed suicide by drowning, the tragic child. Certainly this terrible deed validated once and for all the profundity of Julius Streicher's understanding of what atrocities Jews are capable of." "Kompletter Unsinn!" Höss spat out the words. "That sounds to me like so much hogwash! Rot!" Sophie had the sensation of one who, walking along a serene woodland path, feels herself suddenly without underpinnings, plunged into a murky hole. What had she said wrong? Inadvertently she gave a small wail. "I mean--" she began. "Hogwash!" Höss repeated. "Streicher's theories are the sheerest rot. I loathe his pornographic garbage. More than any single person he has done a disservice to the Party and the Reich, and to world opinion, with his rantings about Jews and their sexual proclivities. He knows nothing about such matters. Anyone who is acquainted with Jews will attest that, if anything, in the sexual area they are meek and inhibited, unaggressive, even pathologically repressed. What happened to your sister was doubtless an aberration." "It happened!" she lied, dismayed at her unforeseen little predicament. "I swear--" He cut her off. "I don't doubt that it took place, but it was a freak, an aberration. Jews are perpetrators of many forms of gross evil but they are not rapists. What Streicher has done in his newspaper all these years has brought only the greatest ridicule. Had he told the truth in a persistent way, portraying Jews as they really are--bent upon monopolizing and dominating the world economy, poisoning morality and culture, attempting through Bolshevism and other means to bring down civilized governments--he might have performed a necessary function. But this portrayal of the Yid as a diabolical debaucher with an enormous prick"--he used the colloquial Schwanz, which rather startled her, as did the gesture he made with his hands, measuring a meter-long organ in air--"is an unwarranted compliment to Jewish masculinity. Most Jewish males I have observed are contemptibly neuter. Sexless. Soft. Weichlich. And more disgusting for all of that." She had made a dumb tactical error in regard to Streicher (she knew she was dumb about National Socialism, but how could she have been expected to be able to gauge the extent of the jealousies and resentments, the squabbles and in-fighting and disaccord which reigned among the Party members of all ranks and categories?), yet actually, now it did not seem to matter: Höss, shrouded in the lavender fumes of his fortieth Ibar cigarette of that day, suddenly broke off his tirade against the Gauleiter of Nuremberg, gave the pamphlet a flat little tap with his fingertips and said something which made her heart feel like a hot ball of lead. "This document means nothing to me. Even if you were able to demonstrate in a convincing way your collaboration in the writing, it would prove very little. Only that you despise Jews. That does not impress me, inasmuch as it seems to be a very widespread sentiment." His eyes became frosty and faraway, as if he were gazing at a point yards beyond the back of her bescarfed and frizzled skull. "Also, you seem to forget that you are a Pole, and therefore an enemy of the Reich who would remain an enemy even if you were not also judged guilty of a criminal act. Indeed, there are some in highest authority--the Reichsführer, for one--who consider you and your kind and your nation on a par with the Jews, Menschentiere, equally worthless, equally polluted in the racial sense, equally justifying righteous hatred. Poles living in the Fatherland are beginning to be marked with a P--an ominous sign for you people." He hesitated for an instant. "I myself do not wholeheartedly share this specific view; however, to be honest, some of my dealings with your countrymen have caused me such bitterness and frustration that I have often felt that there is real cause for this absolute loathing. In the men especially. There is in them an ingrained loutishness. Most of the women are merely ugly." Sophie burst into tears, although it had nothing to do with his denunciations. She had not planned to weep--it was the last thing from her mind, a display of mawkish weakness--but she could not help it. The tears spilled forth and she thrust her face into her hands. All--all!--had failed; her precarious handhold had crumbled, and she felt as if she had been hurled down the mountainside. She had made no advance, no inroads at all. She was finished. Sobbing uncontrollably, she stood there with the sticky tears leaking through her fingers, sensing the approach of doom. She gazed into the darkness of her wet cupped hands and heard the strident Tyrolean minnesingers from the salon far below, a cackling barnyard of voices propelled upward on a choir of thumping tubas, trombones, harmonicas in soggy syncopation.

Und der Adam hat Liebe erfunden,

Und der Noah den Wein, ja! Almost never shut, the attic door was closed then upon a squeak of hinges, slowly, gradually, as if by some reluctant force. She knew it could only have been Höss who closed the door and she was conscious of the sound of his boots as he returned toward her, then his fingers grasping her shoulder firmly even before she allowed herself to draw her hands away from her eyes and to look up. She forced herself to stop crying. The clamor beyond the intervening door was muffled. Und der David hat Zither erschall... "You've been flirting shamelessly with me, " she heard him say in an unsteady voice. She opened her eyes. His own eyes were distraught and the way in which they goggled about--seemingly out of control, at least for that brief moment--filled her with terror, especially since they gave her the impression somehow that he was about to raise his fist and strike her. But then with a great visceral heave he seemed to regain possession of himself, his gaze became normal or nearly so, and when next he spoke, his words were uttered with their ordinary soldierly steadiness. Even so, the manner of his breathing--rapid but deep--and a certain tremor about the lips betrayed to Sophie his inner distress, which still, with more terror, she could not help but identify as an extension of his rage at her. Rage at her for what in particular she could not fathom: for her foolish pamphlet, for being a flirt, for praising Streicher, for being born a dirty Pole, perhaps all of these. Then suddenly, to her astonishment, she realized that although his distress clearly partook of some vague and inchoate rage, it was not rage at her at all but at someone or something else. His clutch on her shoulder was hurting her. He made a nervous choking sound. Then, relaxing his grasp, he blurted out something which, in its overlay of ethnic anxiety, she perceived to be a ludicrous replica of Wilhelmine's own squeamish concern that morning. "It's hard to believe you're Polish, with your superb German and the way you look--the fair complexion of your skin and the lines of your face, so typically Aryan. It's a finer face than that of most Slavic women. And yet you are what you say you are--a Pole." Sophie now detected a tone both discontinuous and rambling enter his speech, as if his mind were prowling in evasive circles around the threatful core of whatever it was he was trying to express. "I don't like flirts, you see, it is only a way of trying to insinuate yourself into my favor, to try and seek out a few rewards. I have always detested this quality in women, this crude use of sex--so dishonest, so transparent. You have made it very difficult for me, making me think foolish thoughts, distracting me from my proper duties. This flirtatiousness has been damnably annoying, and yet--and yet it can't be all your fault, you're an extremely attractive woman. "A number of years ago when I would go from my farm up to Lübeck--I was quite young at the time--I saw a silent film version of Faust in which the woman who played Gretchen was unbelievably beautiful and made a deep impression on me. So fair, such a perfect fair face and lovely figure--I thought about her for days, weeks afterwards. She visited me in my dreams, obsessing me. Her name was Margarete Something, this actress, her last name escapes me now. I always thought of her simply as Margarete. Her voice too: I could only believe that if I could hear her speak, there would be such a purity in her German. Very much like yours. I saw the film a dozen times. I learned later that she died very young--of tuberculosis, I believe--and it saddened me terribly. Time passed and eventually I forgot about her--or at least she no longer obsessed me. I could never completely forget her." Höss paused and squeezed her shoulder once more, hard, hurting her, and she thought with shock: Strange, with that pain he is really trying to express some tenderness... The yodelers below had fallen silent. Involuntarily she closed her eyes tightly, trying not to flinch from the pain and aware now--in the dark hollow of her consciousness--of the camp's symphonic death sounds: of metal clangor, of the boxcars' remote colliding booms and the faint keening of a locomotive whistle, mournful and shrill. "I am very much conscious that in many ways I am not like most men of my calling--of men brought up in a military environment. I was never one of the fellows. I have always been aloof. Solitary. I never consorted with prostitutes. I went to a brothel only once in my life, when I was very young, in Constantinople. It was an experience that left me disgusted; I am made sick by the lewdness of whores. There is something about the pure and radiant beauty of a certain kind of woman--fair of skin and of hair, although if truly Aryan she can of course also be somewhat darker--that inspires me to idolize that beauty, to idolize it almost to the point of worship. That actress Margarete was one of these--then also a woman I knew in Munich for some years, a splendid person with whom I had a passionate relationship and a child out of wedlock. Basically I believe in monogamy. I've been unfaithful to my wife on very few occasions. But this woman, she... she was the most glorious example of this beauty--exquisite of feature and of pure Nordic blood. My attraction to her was of an intensity beyond anything so crude as mere sex, and its so-called pleasures. It had to do with a grander scheme of procreation. It was an exalted thing to deposit my seed within such a beautiful vessel. You inspire in me much the same desire." Sophie kept her eyes shut as the flow of his weird Nazi grammar, with its outlandishly overheated images of clumps of succulent Teutonic word-bloat, moved its way up through the tributaries of her mind, nearly drowning her reason. Then suddenly the mist from his sweaty torso reeked in her nostrils like rancid meat and she heard herself give a gasp at the very instant that he yanked her body up against his own. She had a sense of elbows, knees and a scratchy cheese-grater of stubble. As insistent in his ardor as his housekeeper, he was incomparably more awkward and his arms around her seemed multitudinous, like those of a huge mechanical fly. She held her breath while his hands at her back tried out some sort of massage. And his heart--his rampaging galloping heart! Never had she conceived that a single heart was capable of the riotous romantic thumping which moved against her like a drumbeat through the Commandant's damp shirt. Trembling like a very sick man, he essayed nothing so bold as a kiss, although she was certain she sensed some protuberance--his tongue or nose--mooning restlessly around her bekerchiefed ear. Then an abrupt knock at the door caused him to break apart from her swiftly and he uttered a soft, miserable "Scheiss!" It was his adjutant Scheffler again. Begging the Commandant's pardon, Scheffler said, standing in the doorway, but Frau Hossnow on the landing below--had come upstairs with a question for the Commandant. She was going to the movies at the garrison recreation center and she wanted to know if she might take Iphigenie with her. Iphigenie, the older daughter, was recovering from a week-long case of die Grippe and Madame wished to find out whether, in the Commandant's judgment, the girl was well enough to accompany her to the matinée. Or should she consult Dr. Schmidt? Höss snarled something in return which Sophie could not hear. But it was during this brief exchange that she had a desperate flash of intuition, sensing that the interruption with its jejune domestic flavor could only blot out forever the magic moment into which the Commandant, like some soul-eaten Tristan, had had the infirmity to allow himself to be lured. And when he turned again to face her she knew immediately that her presentiment was an accurate one, and that her cause was in its deepest peril yet. "When he come back toward me," Sophie said, "his face was even more twisted up and tormented than before. Again I have this strange feeling that he was going to hit me. But he didn't. Instead, he come very close to me and said, 'I long to have intercourse with you'--he used the word Verkehr, which have in German the same stupid formal sound as 'intercourse'; he said, 'Having intercourse with you would allow me to lose myself, I might find forgetfulness.' But then suddenly his face changed. It was as if Frau Höss had changed everything around in a moment. His face became very calm and sort of impersonal, you know, and he said, 'But I cannot and I will not, it is too much of a risk. It would be doomed to disaster.' He turned away from me then, turned his back to me and walked to the window. I heard him say, 'Also, pregnancy here would be out of the question.' Stingo, I thought I might faint. I felt very weak from all my emotion and this tension; also, I guess, from hunger, from not eating anything since those figs I had vomited up that morning, and only the little piece of chocolate he had given me. He turned around again and spoke to me. He said, 'If I were not leaving here, I would take the risk. Whatever your background is, I feel that in a spiritual way we could meet on common ground. I would risk a great deal to have relations with you.' I thought he was going to touch or grab me again, but he didn't. 'But they have got rid of me,' he said, 'and I must go. And so you must go too. I am sending you back to Block Two where you came from. You will go tomorrow.' Then he turned away again. "I was terrified," Sophie went on. "You see, I had tried to get close to him and I had failed, and now he was sending me away and all my hopes were destroyed. I tried to speak to him, but all I could feel was this choking in my throat and the words wouldn't come. It was like he was going to cast me back into darkness and there was nothing I could do--nothing at all. I kept looking at him and I was trying to speak. That beautiful Arabian horse was still in the field down below and Höss was leaning against the window, gazing down at it. The smoke from Birkenau had lifted up. I heard him whisper something about his transfer to Berlin again. He spoke very bitterly. I remember he used words like 'failure' and 'ingratitude,' and once he said very clearly, 'I know how well I have performed my duty.' He didn't say anything for a long while then, only kept looking at that horse, and finally I heard him say this, I am almost sure they were his exact words, "To escape the body of a man yet still dwell in Nature. To be that horse, to live within that beast. That would be freedom.'" She paused for an instant. "I have always remembered those words. They were just so..." And Sophie stopped speaking, her eyes glazed with memory, staring toward the phantasmagoric past as if in wonderment. ("They were just so...") What? After Sophie told me all this, she broke off talking for a long time. She hid her eyes behind her fingers and bent her head downward toward the table, buried in somber reflection. She had throughout the long telling kept a firm grip on herself, but now the glistening wetness between her fingers told me how bitterly she had begun to weep. I let her cry in silence. We had been sitting for hours together that rainy August afternoon, our elbows propped against one of the Formica tables at the Maple Court. It was three days after the cataclysmic breakup between Sophie and Nathan that I described many pages ago. It may be recalled that when the two of them vanished I had been on my way for a visit with my father in Manhattan. (It was an important visit for me--and in fact I had decided to return to Virginia with him--and I want to describe it in some detail later.) From this get-together I had come back unhappily to the Pink Palace, expecting to find the same abandonment and ruination I remembered from that evening--certainly not anticipating the presence of Sophie, whom I discovered, miraculously, in the shambles of her room, stuffing her last odds and ends into a dilapidated suitcase. Meanwhile Nathan was nowhere in sight--I considered this a blessing--and after our rueful and sweet reunion Sophie and I hurried in the midst of an explosive summer downpour to the Maple Court. Needless to say, I was overjoyed to note that Sophie seemed as genuinely happy to see me as I was to be simply breathing her face and body once more. To the best of my knowledge, I had been, aside from Nathan and perhaps Blackstock, the only person in the world who could claim any real closeness to Sophie, and I sensed her clutching at my presence as if it were something actually life-giving. She was still in what appeared to be a raw condition of shock over Nathan's desertion of her (she said, not without a touch of grisly humor, that she had contemplated several times hurling herself from the window of the ratty Upper West Side hotel where she had languished those three days), but if grief over his parting had obviously eroded her spirit, it was this same grief, I sensed, that allowed her to open even wider the gates of her memory in a mighty cathartic cataract. But one small impression nags. Should I have become alarmed at something about Sophie which I had never once observed before? She had begun to drink, not heavily--what she drank did not even hesitantly slur her speech--but the three or four mild glasses of whiskey and water she downed during that gray wet afternoon comprised a surprising departure for one who, like Nathan, had been relatively abstemious. Perhaps I should have been more bothered or concerned by those shot glasses of Schenley's at her elbow. At any rate, I stuck to my customary beer and only casually noted Sophie's new inclination. I would doubtless have overlooked her drinking anyway, since when Sophie resumed talking (wiping her eyes and--in as straightforward and as emotionless a voice as anyone could manage under the circumstances--starting to wind up the chronicle of that day with Rudolf Franz Höss) she spoke of something which so rocked me with astonishment that I felt the entire outer surface of my face become enveloped by a tingling frost. I drew in my breath and my limbs grew as weak as reeds. And, dear reader, at least then I knew she was not lying... "Stingo, my child was there at Auschwitz. Yes, I had a child. It was my little boy, Jan, that they have taken away from me on the day I came there. They have put him in this place called the Children's Camp, he was only ten years old. I know it must be strange to you that all this time you've known me I have never told you about my child, but this is something I have never been able to tell to anyone. It is too difficult--too much for me to ever think about. Yes, I did tell Nathan about this once, many months ago. I told him very quickly and then after that I said that we must never once talk about this again. Or tell anyone else. So now I'm telling you only because you will not
be able to understand about me and Höss unless you understood about Jan. And after this I will not talk any more about him, and you must never ask me any questions. No, never again... "Anyway, that afternoon when Höss was looking down from the window I spoke to him. I knew that I had to play my last card, reveal to him what au jour le jour I had buried even from myself--in my fear of dying of grief of it--do anything, beg, shout, scream for mercy, hoping only that I can somehow touch this man enough so that he would just show a bit of mercy--if not for me, then the only thing I had left on earth to live for. So I put my voice under control and said, 'Herr Kommandant, I know I can't ask much for myself and you must act according to the rules. But I beg of you to do one thing for me before you send me back. I have a young son in Camp D, where all the other boys are prisoners. His name is Jan Zawistowski, age ten. I have learned his number, I will give it to you. He was with me when I arrived but I have not seen him since six months. I yearn to see him. I am afraid for his health, with winter coming. I beg of you to consider some way in which he might be released. His health is frail and he is so very young.' Höss didn't reply to me, just looked straight at me without blinking. I had begun to break down a little and I felt myself going out of control. I reached out and touched his shirt, then clutched at it and said, 'Please, if you have been impressed only the slightest bit by my presence, by my being, I beg of you to do this for me. Not to release me, just to release my little boy. There is a certain way you could do this, which I will tell you about... Please do this for me. Please. Please!' "I knew then that I was once more only a worm in his life, a piece of Polish Dreck. He grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand away from his shirt and said, 'That's enough!' I'll never forget the frenzy in his voice when he said, 'Ich kann es unmoglich tun!' Which means 'It's out of the question for me to do that.' He said, 'It would be unlawful for me to release any prisoner without proper authority.' Suddenly I realized I have touched some terrible nerve in him by even mentioning what I done. He said, 'It's outrageous, your suggestion! What do you take me for, some Dümmling you hope to be able to manipulate? Only because I expressed a special feeling for you? You think you could get me to contravene proper authority because I expressed some little affection?'Then he said, 'I find this disgusting!' "Would it make sense to you, Stingo, if I said that I couldn't help myself and I threw myself against him, threw my arms around his waist and begged him again, saying 'Please' over and over? But I could tell from the way his muscles become stiff and this trembling that ran through him that he was finished with me. Even so I couldn't stop. I said, 'Then at least let me see my little boy, let me visit him, let me see him just once, please do that one thing for me. Can't you understand this? You have children of your own. Just allow me to see him, to hold him once in my arms before I go back into the camp.' And when I said this, Stingo, I couldn't help myself and I fell on my knees in front of him. I fell on my knees in front of him and pressed my face against his boots. Sophie halted, gazing again for long moments into that past which seemed now so totally, so irresistibly to have captured her; she took several sips of whiskey and swallowed once or twice abstractedly in a daze of recollection. And I realized that, as if seeking whatever semblance of present reality I was able to offer, she had taken hold of my hand in a numbing grip. "There have been so much talk about people in a place like Auschwitz and the way they acted there. In Sweden when I was in this refugee center, often agroup of us who was there--at Auschwitz or at Birkenau, where I later was sent--would talk about how these various people acted. Why this man would allow himself to become a vicious Kapo, who would be cruel to his fellow prisoners and cause many of them to die. Or why this other man or woman would do this or that brave thing, sometime lose their lives that another could live. Or give their bread or a little potato or thin nothing soup to someone starving, even though they were themselves starving. Or there would be people--men, women--who would kill or betray another prisoner just for a little food. People acted very different in the camp, some in a cowardly and selfish way, some bravely and beautifully--there was no rule. No. But such a terrible place was this Auschwitz, Stingo, terrible beyond all belief, that you really could not say that this person should have done a certain thing in a fine or noble fashion, as in the other world. If he or she done a noble thing, then you could admire them like any place else, but the Nazis were murderers and when they were not murdering they turned people into sick animals, so if what the people done was not so noble, or even was like animals, then you have to understand it, hating it maybe but pitying it at the same time, because you knew how easy it was for you to act like an animal too." Sophie paused for a few moments and locked her eyelids shut as if in savage meditation, then gazed once more out onto the baffling distances. "So there is one thing that is still a mystery to me. And that is why, since I know all this and I know the Nazis turned me into a sick animal like all the rest, I should feel so much guilt over all the things I done there. And over just being alive. This guilt is something I cannot get rid of and I think I never will." She paused again, and then said, "I suppose it's because.. ." But she hesitated, failing to round out her thought, and I heard a quaver in her voice--perhaps more because of exhaustion now than anything else--when she said, "I know I will never get rid of it. Never. And because I never get rid of it, maybe that's the worst thing the Germans left me with." Finally she relaxed her grip on my hand and turned to me, looking me full in the face as she said, "I surrounded Höss's boots with my arms. I pressed my cheek up against those cold leather boots as if they was made of fur or something warm and comforting. And do you know? I think maybe I even licked them with my tongue, licked those Nazi boots. And do you know something else? If Höss had give me a knife or a gun and told me to go kill somebody, a Jew, a Pole, it don't matter, I would have done it without thinking, with joy even, if it mean seeing my little boy for only a single minute and holding him in my arms. "Then I heard Höss say, 'Get to your feet! Demonstrations like this offend me. Get up!' But when I began to get up his voice got softer and he said, 'Certainly you may see your son, Sophie.' I realized that it was the first time he ever spoke my name. Then--oh Jesus Christ, Stingo, he actually embraced me again and I heard him say, 'Sophie, Sophie, certainly you may see your little boy.' He said, 'Do you think I could deny you that? Glaubst du, dass ich ein Ungeheuer bin? Do you think I am some kind of monster?'"