Sorrows of Adoration (29 page)

“Do I have anything to
be jealous about?”

He grumbled. “See?
Already you’re jealous, and no, you shouldn’t be. You’re the
dearest thing in my life. I’ve told you many times that your beauty
is unparalleled in my eyes. Let us talk of something else.”

“What if I promise to
not be upset?” I pressed on.

“Aenna,” he
groaned.

“Honestly, I want to
know, and I won’t be jealous unless you tell me you were with
Sashken.”

He pretended to scream
and gag in horror and disgust, and we laughed. “How could you even
suggest it? I think I shall be ill. Ugh. What a thought! I should
rightly tickle you until you scream for that,” he said, poking at
my side threateningly.

“Don’t you dare!” I
wiggled myself so that I was angled away from him. “I’m just
curious. I’m not asking because I feel threatened. You’ve done a
splendid job in convincing me against that.”

“Good. Very good, in
fact. It bothered me when you kept telling me how unworthy you
were.”

“I still feel unworthy
at times.”

“That’s understandable.
I feel unworthy at times myself. I look at my father, and he’s
everything a King ought to be. And I am not like him at all, in
attitude or behaviour. I have tried to be, but I simply am not. But
I force myself to consider that I’m not a stupid man, nor am I
foolhardy, even though I may act silly at times, and I’ve been
educated and watched and learned, so I must conclude that I’ll be
able to handle the role. I can’t bear to imagine myself failing.
It’s too frightening.”

“You won’t fail, Kurit.
But you’re changing the subject.”

“Intentionally so.”

“I want you to tell me
if you were with other women before me.”

“Why? Why do you need
to hear such things?”

“I’m insatiably
curious. Wouldn’t you want to know in my place?”

He thought about that
quietly for a moment and then replied, “I can’t decide. It never
occurred to me, because I knew you to be a maiden.”

“Kurit, by your
reluctance I can tell that you were with others. Tell me how many
there were.”

He sighed again, giving
up any hope of stopping my questions. “Two. Only two.”

“Who were they?”

“Aenna,
really …”

“I want to know who
charmed your heart.”

“Nobody but you.”

“That’s sweet, Kurit,
but they must have meant something to you.”

“If I tell you, you’ll
become angry with me and tell me what a terrible cad I am.”

“I promise to do no
such thing.”

He grumbled and said,
“Well, the first one doesn’t really count, because I don’t remember
much of it. I was just a boy. On the day to celebrate the start of
my fifteenth year, Jarik and Cael got me quite drunk. Very drunk.
Very, very, absolutely smashed drunk,” he emphasized.

“I couldn’t even stand.
They took me somewhere, it wasn’t an inn, it was somebody’s home, I
think. They dumped me in some room and left me there, and soon I
realized there was a woman there, perhaps fifteen years my senior.
She kissed me, and I was aroused by her but was unable to …
ah, well, function, as it were, being so drunk. She took off her
clothes, and all I remember was she had enormous breasts that she
kept pushing in my face. She fondled me obscenely but I was too out
of my head to stop her, and eventually she was able to arouse me
enough to, well, take me herself.

“I don’t even remember
it other than her sitting on me and being almost suffocated in her
bosom. I think I liked that. I must have, but I honestly don’t
recall what I thought or felt. I don’t remember how or when we
finished. The next thing I recalled was waking up in my bed with a
ferocious headache, and my tongue felt like cloth. I don’t even
know who she was.”

“Didn’t you ask?”

“I wanted to, but I was
too embarrassed. Cael would have teased me—he really is an awful
scoundrel, you know. Kind, but a scoundrel through and through. And
I was too ashamed to admit to Jarik that I didn’t know who she
was.”

“I’m surprised he
participated in such a thing,” I said.

“Hah, well, there’s a
great deal about his past that would shock you.”

“You’re trying to
change the subject. Tell me about the second one, then.”

“Do I have to?”

“No, but I’d like you
to.”

“Fine. But when I’m
done you’ll think I’m just awful. I didn’t even mean for it to
happen. And ironically, it was Sashken’s doing that led to it, but
don’t you even breathe the words to ask if it was her!” he groaned,
poking my ribs in jest. “She wanted me then already, though I don’t
know if Mother had chosen her at that point. I was uninterested in
her. I didn’t hate her as I do now, for she wasn’t as cold or
nasty. She was just an unattractive little stick of a thing and
didn’t seem very bright. But she pursued me, bringing me little
gifts, writing me little notes and slipping them under my door, all
that sort of thing. I didn’t want to be cruel to her, and when I
asked Jarik’s advice he only teased. So I thought perhaps if she
thought I was in love with someone else, then she’d give up on
me.

“So I chose the second
prettiest girl in the palace. Second, because the prettiest girl
had a wretchedly squeaky voice that made my jaw clench. I decided
to court Keshella—”

“Lady Keshella who is
wed to that merchant Sherston?”

“One and the same.
You’re not jealous, are you?”

“Hardly. She has the
intellectual capacity of cheese.”

He laughed so hard that
I had to raise my head off his stomach before I was bounced around.
“Cheese! Aenna, you have the strangest way of saying things!” He
chuckled. I laid my head back down as he continued. “Yes, she
wasn’t particularly bright either, but you must admit she is
pretty.”

“Very. I’m not jealous,
though.”

“Good. You shouldn’t
be,” he said sweetly, moving his hand to stroke my hair. “But I
thought if I was to court someone, it may as well be someone I
could enjoy looking at. So I brought her flowers, asked her to walk
with me in the garden, and other things that Sashken would
undoubtedly see. Well, to make the story short, one evening I saw
Sashken following us in the garden, so I kissed Keshella very
passionately. But still Sashken followed us, so I convinced
Keshella to come up to the tower with me. It actually didn’t take a
great deal of convincing, and she led the way.

“We went up to the
tower, and I waited to hear if we were followed, but it seemed
Sashken had given up. I was going to leave when suddenly Keshella
unlaced her dress and dropped it, standing there in just her
corset. My eyes widened, and I stood stunned as she turned her back
to me and asked me to unlace the corset. So I did. I don’t know
why, I just did. It came off, and she pulled off her other
underclothes and stood naked before me. I still stood there like a
fool, my jaw probably on the floor. She said, ‘Don’t you like what
you see?’ So I kissed her, because I couldn’t think of anything
suitable to say. After that it wasn’t long before …” He
trailed off, leaving the rest implied.

“The next day I avoided
her. I felt awful for having taken her when I had absolutely no
intention of ever wedding the poor girl. Mind you, I am fairly
certain she was not a maiden when I took her. But still, I felt
like an awful cad. I went to see her and overheard her telling the
other girls what I had done, how she was to be Queen, and wasn’t it
all so exciting and other such nonsense. So I took her aside to
speak with her and told her then and there that I didn’t intend at
all for her to be my Queen, rather insensitively, I admit. She
struck me hard, slapping my face with the full palm of her hand.
Then she spun and walked away. I was mortified. Jarik heard about
it and thought it quite funny. I suppose now you’ll think I’m a
wretch for it.”

“It doesn’t sound to me
as though you seduced her, Kurit.”

“Still, I should have
known better. I should have had the decency to refuse her.”

“Perhaps. But I don’t
think you’re awful for it. See, I told you I wouldn’t get angry. I
just wanted to make sure there isn’t a lost desire in your mind
somewhere.”

He ran his finger
softly down my cheek. “Hardly.
I may have experienced some
pleasure with her, but I never felt such burning desire until I
knew you. I’ll admit that if I had known other women of your
curvaceous build, I might have known greater desires than I did. I
was obsessed with the idea of making love with you from those first
days.”

I sighed happily. We
lay there quietly together for some time until we were hungry
enough for lunch. As we sorted through the basket he asked, “I want
to ask you something, but I’m not sure how to word it without
sounding awful.”

“Go ahead and ask then,
and I’ll forgive you if you say something wrong by mistake,” I said
smiling.

“Hmm. I know you were a
maiden, so don’t think I’m questioning that or any such nonsense,
but did you ever … What I want to know is, did you ever know a
man that you longed for? Before you met me?”

I considered that for a
moment but was able to quickly and confidently answer, “No. I admit
I daydreamed about an unknown man in my future, but I never saw one
that made me desirous. Most of the men I saw in the inn were tired
and in need of a bath, if not drunk as well. I might have felt
friendly towards some of the kinder, cleaner ones, but they were
always either married or so far above my station that I didn’t even
entertain the thought.”

“Of what did you
daydream?” he asked.

“Oh, you don’t want to
know that. It’s all so silly and girlish.”

“I told you my stories.
Now I want to hear yours,” he insisted.

“I suppose that’s only
fair,” I conceded. “I thought that perhaps one day a kind,
intelligent young merchant would come by the inn, and I would know
instantly that I loved him, and he would know he loved me but would
be too gentlemanly to say it. We would look at each other
longingly, but then he’d be gone, and I’d long for him alone. Then
he’d return in a month or so and be bold enough that time to
introduce himself, and we’d talk awhile. Then perhaps he’d return
again and again, each time growing bolder, until finally he would
ask me to be his wife, and I would of course say yes, and he’d take
me away with him.”

Kurit smiled at me.
“That’s not silly at all. It sounds very sweet.”

“I suppose. It was a
romantic notion. Never did I dream I’d overhear of a plot to kill a
Prince, rush to warn him, end up falling in love with him and he
with me and marrying him. That’s the sort of thing that happens in
bard’s songs and old poems, not in real life.”

He chuckled and moved
closer to me. “Are you disappointed that you didn’t meet your kind,
young merchant?”

“Of course not. You
know I love you.”

“Well, then let the
bards write a song for us, if it’s so unreal,” he said, caressing
my cheek softly, his lunch all but forgotten. He pushed mine aside
and moved closer still so he could kiss me. He pushed me gently to
lie down, kissing my lips, my cheeks, my neck.

“Kurit,” I said
breathlessly as he kissed at my bosom, “Kurit, someone could come
along and see us.”

“And? The only ones who
would do so are Leiset and Gilrin, and they both have the sense to
be discreet and go away.” He laid himself beside me and started
caressing my leg, pushing my skirt up slowly. I acquiesced,
secretly enthralled at the notion of making love outdoors in open
daylight.

It was awkward and
naughty and sensual and wonderful. I buried my face in his shoulder
when I wanted to cry out, lest it echo over the lake. That would
have been an embarrassment, even if no one had heard it!

Afterwards, he kissed
my ear and whispered into it, “Don’t ask again about any other
woman. There is no one else for me but you.”

* * *

The weeks passed
quickly, no doubt because we were so happy. I missed my womanly
cycle and thus assumed that I was with child. When I told Kurit
that the time for it had passed several days before, he was
ecstatic. He picked me up, spun me around, and then set me down and
covered my whole face with sweet, happy little kisses as I
laughed.

We knew it would be
time to return home in a few days, so we decided to make the most
of our remaining time at the cottage. We went for long, happy walks
together, during which we would talk and tease, laugh and kiss. He
would favour me often with that wonderful roguish smile, and I
would sometimes recall how endearing it had been when we had first
met. On more than one occasion, I felt a slight shiver to realize
just how much had happened and changed in my life since I had met
this wonderful man.

On the day before we
were to leave, we went for one last long walk in the meadows. Kurit
seemed a bit sad at the prospect of going back to the palace. I
didn’t know the specific cause, but between leaving the beautiful
area around the cottage, returning to duties, and returning also to
those who did not approve of our union, it was easy to understand
his slight gloominess.

I decided to tease him
in an effort to make him laugh again. I hurried my pace such that I
ended up a few steps ahead of him. Then I moved my hands on my hips
seductively and wiggled them in an exaggerated fashion. I glanced
over my shoulder at him and said, “Tell me, husband, is it this
that drives you mad with desire?”

Out of the corner of my
eye, I saw him stop walking. I glanced at him again, still wiggling
my hips. He was watching me, eyebrows raised, a faint rascal’s
smile upon his lips.

“Don’t tempt me,
Aenna,” he warned in a playful tone. “I don’t have the excuse of
not being wed to you anymore to hold me back.”

I continued walking
slowly, swaying my hips for him. I turned my head to purr, “But we
are rather far from a bedchamber, my love.”