Sorrows of Adoration (51 page)

I could not speak of
it. I closed my eyes and began to sob in fear and depression.
Leiset ushered the guard out of the room and said, “I’ll fetch
Jarik. Don’t cry, Aenna. Everything will be fine.” Her voice
wavered, and I knew she believed nothing of the sort.

When Jarik burst into
my bedchamber a few moments later, he found me curled up in a chair
hugging my knees and sobbing pitifully. I hadn’t bothered to cover
myself beyond what my folded limbs hid, and the split of the dress
was no doubt revealing part of my backside. I didn’t care.

He grabbed a sheet from
the bed and put it over me gently. I didn’t move or even look at
him but continued to cry into my knees. Jarik spoke soft little
words of comfort as he wrapped the sheet around me and lifted me
out of the chair. He carried me into my receiving room and sat on
the couch, cradling me in his arms.

He rocked me slowly,
caressing my hair and whispering into my ear. “Hush, now, Aenna. I
won’t let him hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” He kissed my
forehead and held me tight. If Leiset was in the room, I was
unaware of it. All I knew in that moment was the sweet comfort of
Jarik’s strong arms around me. And still he whispered, “There now,
Aenna. Don’t cry. Hush, hush …”

When my sobs finally
subsided, I opened my eyes and looked at him. His eyes were so
tender and loving that I silently cursed the Gods for being so
cruel as to taunt me with them when Kurit’s eyes had held me with
such disdain.

Jarik lifted me and
moved me so I was no longer in his lap but instead sitting on the
couch beside him. As he did so, I caught sight of Leiset. Her face
was very pale, and she wrung her hands in worry.

I looked at her and
said, “Kurit doesn’t even want me anymore.”

Jarik’s face became
pained. He embraced me again as I heard Leiset begin to weep for
me. Then I heard her gasp. I lifted my head from Jarik’s shoulder
to see Kurit standing in the open door to my bedchamber. He was
glaring at Jarik’s back.

“I came to make sure
you were all right,” Kurit muttered, “but I see that has been taken
care of, as usual.”

Jarik turned to look at
Kurit as he walked into the middle of the room. I had seen Jarik
angry before, even furious, but the steely look of rage on his face
in that moment was so terrible that it frightened me. They stared
at each other in what looked like hatred. These men who had grown
up as brothers and loved each other well now regarded each other in
jealous wrath.

Unable to stand their
silent glares, I said, “Kurit, am I to understand that you
condemned me cruelly for seeking your love, and now you condemn me
for seeking the comfort of a friend?”

Without taking his eyes
off Jarik’s, Kurit spat, “A friend? Is that all this is?
Friendship?”

Jarik sprang to his
feet and clenched his fists. “How dare you question Aenna’s
loyalty!” he snarled. Kurit said nothing, but his eyes narrowed in
accusation.

Like a flash of
lightning, Jarik’s arm reached out and grabbed Kurit by the back
collar of his shirt. Caught completely off guard, Kurit was unable
to prevent his larger cousin from dragging him off his feet. As
Kurit stumbled, Jarik caught another part of his shirt with his
other hand and lifted him from the ground. Jarik started carting
him through my bedchamber to Kurit’s own.

I rose and chased after
them, crying out for Jarik to stop. “No!” I cried. “Jarik, don’t!
He’s half mad from his drunkenness. He doesn’t know what he’s
saying. Don’t hurt him!”

Jarik paused in the
doorway between the bedchambers, standing right in the puddle of
alcohol. Kurit wriggled in the big warrior’s grasp but could not
escape. “I shall not hurt him, Aenna, because it would break your
heart,” Jarik said in a tone that was both angry and sad. “But this
has gone on long enough. I promise not to harm him. Go, let me
remind this wretch of his wedding vows and how to properly address
a lady.”

Jarik hauled Kurit to a
chair and dumped him in it, his boots crunching bits of broken
glass along the way. He looked at me with great sorrow and closed
the door.

I clutched the sheet
around myself and went back out to the receiving room. I fell onto
the couch there and began sobbing anew, feeling completely
helpless. Leiset sat with me, and we held each other, crying.

After nearly an hour,
Leiset and I sat silently in each other’s arms, tear stains on our
cheeks but no more to fall. We could hear nothing of what was
occurring next door, for which I was thankful. Had Jarik been
thrashing Kurit as I know he wanted to, there would have been a
great deal of noise. Then Jarik was back in the room. I didn’t look
at him. I just sat shivering in the sheet, feeling like a lost
child.

Leiset slipped out of
our embrace, rose to allow Jarik to sit beside me, and then left
the room. I still couldn’t look at Jarik. He put his hand on my
head and caressed my hair.

“Aenna,” he said
softly, “I didn’t do anything to him. I didn’t so much as touch him
once I closed that door.” He put his other hand under my chin and
turned my head to face him. “All I did was tell him bluntly that
he’s behaving abominably. I reminded him of honour, of duty, and
even recited his wedding vows back to him. I made no threat nor
curse. As furious as I am, I would not do anything to him that
would cause you pain or worry.” He rubbed his thumbs against the
streaks of my tears.

“So what am I to do
now?” I asked. My throat was so sore from crying that the words
came out as a harsh whisper.

“Come,” he said and
pulled me into a loving embrace. His strong hands were comforting
on my back. “He won’t see you again tonight. I told him not to. I
sent him to go sleep in a guest room and told Gilrin to fetch some
maids to clean up the mess of glass and drink. Your room reeks of
it as well. I’ll carry you to another bed anywhere else in the
palace, if you like.”

I shook my head. “It
won’t take long to clean up the spill on my floor, and the smell
will be there for days, so I may as well get used to it.”

He placed a tender kiss
on my forehead and said, “It’s going to get better, Aenna. I think
I got through to him this time. And you know that I am always here
for you. You should try to sleep now. Your poor face is lined with
fatigue. But if you cannot sleep and you need me to sit with you or
talk to you or hold you or anything else, you need only summon me
and I’ll be here in a moment.” He forced a tired smile and said,
“I’ll even come sing you a lullaby if that’s what you need.”

I smiled sadly at him.
“You’re very good to me. Thank you.”

“I care very much about
you, Aenna. Not just because I’m your Champion.” My heart fluttered
as I suspected he was about to admit the love I knew he had for me.
Instead, he said, “I care for you because you are my Queen, you are
the wife of my cousin, and most of all because you are my dear
friend. Promise me that you’ll summon me if you need me.”

I nodded. He offered to
carry me to my bed, but I said I had to change into a more
appropriate nightdress. He nodded, held me again, and quietly
left.

I tossed and turned all
night in alternating fits of sadness and anger. A thousand
potential conversations and lonely daydreams cluttered my mind. As
a result, I was in a particularly foul temper when Kurit found
Jarik and me the next morning in my workroom. He asked to speak
with me alone. Jarik eyed him warily, but I agreed. Jarik left the
room.

Kurit watched him go
and then said, “He protects you well.”

“Yes, he does.”

Kurit ran his hands
through his hair and sighed as he sat down across from me. “It’s
rather pathetic that he has to protect you from me.” I said
nothing, so he continued. “Aenna, the things I said to you last
night were cruel and inexcusable. I’m sorry.”

I didn’t believe him. I
suspected that he wanted to be sorry, but I could not believe that
he actually was. “Where does this end?” I asked. “You lash out at
me and then come to apologize. When will your apologies actually
hold meaning?”

He looked at me with
obvious guilt on his face and said, “This one does.”

“For how long, Kurit?
Until the next time you’re angry? Until the next time your mother
irritates you? Until the next time you’re pressured for some other
reason?”

He sighed again. “What
do you want of me, Aenna?”

I smacked my open hand
on the desk. It hurt, and I was sorry for having done it but
refused to let him see that. “I want my husband back!” I said
through clenched teeth. I managed to compose myself enough to add,
in a gentler tone, “I want the man who held me and loved me before
I was abducted. I want you to be that man again.”

He no longer looked
sorrowful. Bitterly, he said, “People change, Aenna.”

I felt cold inside and
made sure he heard that in my voice. “Yes, well, you just keep on
pushing me away, then. Perhaps I’ll make changes of my own.”

His face grew dark.
“Are you threatening to leave me?”

“That would be
difficult since you’ve already left me. You may be here in body,
but your soul is drowned somewhere so far inside you that I can’t
see it. I meant that I’m going to stop fighting to hold onto you. I
love you, Kurit. You just continue stomping angrily on that, and
we’ll see what happens.”

“I can’t understand why
you would still love me,” he moped.

I shook my head and
crossed my arms over my chest. “I’m not going to play your games of
self-pity, so you can stop right there. I love you, Kurit. I shall
always love you. But if you don’t love me anymore, at least have
the decency to tell me that I might stop waiting for you to return
my affections.”

“And that’s your
favourite game, you know,” he spat. “You accuse me constantly of
not loving you just so I’ll have to say it.” He rose angrily from
his seat and began to pace about the room.

“It shouldn’t be
something you say because you feel you have to!”

“You should know that I
love you. I shouldn’t have to tell you all the time.”

I closed my eyes and
laughed a bitter, sad laugh. “I’m not saying you have to tell me so
all the time. But you never say it unless you’re apologizing for
something.”

“That’s because you
always have me apologizing.”

My tone became very
sarcastic. “Oh, fine. I am forcing you to have to apologize. I lead
you by your little hand and make you do all these things and move
your lips for you to say those nasty, cruel things that you
do.”

“Look,” he shouted,
“I’ve said I’m sorry for how I behaved last night. And I am. But
I’m not going to stand here while you mock me.”

“Then go, Kurit,” I
said, pointing to the door. “Your mother undoubtedly awaits you to
speak more words against me. Then come back when you’re ready to
lash out at someone. Your target shall be sitting right here as I
always have been.”

He kicked the chair and
shouted out a curse and then stormed out.

Moments later, Jarik
tentatively opened the door. “May I come in?” he asked.

I nodded. When he had
closed the door behind him he said, “That did not go well, did it?”
When I didn’t answer, he swore and sighed. “Curse it, Aenna, I
honestly thought he’d apologize.”

“He did. I just wasn’t
willing to accept another meaningless apology.” I looked at Jarik’s
sad face and said, “I’m glad you spoke to him last night, but it
didn’t help. I don’t imagine anything will at this point.”

“Tell me what I can do
to help you,” he said.

“At the moment,
nothing. I want to get some things done this morning, and I will
push him out of my mind as I do so. Then I shall spend the
afternoon with my son and let him cheer me. If you wish, you can
join us then. Raelik likes it when you hold him up high. You’re the
tallest person he knows.” I smiled at the thought.

“I shall await you
then. I’ll be right out here in the Great Hall.”

I nodded. “I shall find
you there when I am ready to go to the nursery.”

He forced a little
smile and left.

KURIT AND I AVOIDED
each other for the rest of the winter, which meant he also avoided
being near his son. When he did grace us with his presence, he was
surly and morose.

When we celebrated
Raelik’s third birthday, Kurit sat at the back of the room, annoyed
that he hadn’t had a drink all day. Jarik stood near him.

I chased my little boy
around the parlour as he ran with ribbons trailing from his sweet
little hands. I caught him up in my arms and tickled his tummy,
making him giggle in delight.

When I set Raelik back
on the ground with the ribbons tangled in his fingers, he turned to
face his father. Kurit neither beckoned to nor smiled at the boy,
so I was not surprised when Raelik ran to Jarik to untangle the
ribbons. Kurit was, however, quite taken aback as Jarik scooped up
the giggling child and began to pull the ribbons away
playfully.

Thankfully, Raelik was
so entertained by Jarik’s teasing and games that he did not see his
father rise and storm from the room. Jarik glanced at me to let me
know that he had noticed Kurit’s abrupt exit but remained intent on
keeping my son entertained.

Kasha rose silently and
left as well, which didn’t bother me in the least. I don’t imagine
she had spoken more than ten words to me since Tarken’s death. I
overheard her belittling me still, but because I avoided her she
rarely had the chance to do so to my own face.

I refused to let the
sullen duo ruin Raelik’s day. I laughed and played with my precious
boy and my dear Jarik for the remainder of the afternoon.

In the evening, Kurit
came to my rooms, ready to fight. I took a deep breath to calm
myself, knowing that losing my temper with this man would
accomplish nothing.